Category: Diary

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Last night, Jack and I did a lot more talking.  I really did screw up.  I mean, I really, really screwed up.

I didn’t treat Jack right.

I didn’t realize how badly I screwed up until Jack and I started talking so much.  He’s really hurt.  He’s mostly hurt because he really does feel like he’s just an accessory for me.  Someone I drag out when I’m in the mood, not someone I actually want to be with.  He’d be wrong about that, but it doesn’t matter, that’s how he feels.

I asked him why he didn’t take more of a lead, and he said he just didn’t feel like I’d be receptive.

Maybe he’s wrong about that.  But maybe he’s not, and that maybe is enough to make me wanna cry.  Hard.

Because I actually do care about him.  I’ve just really, really sucked at showing it.  A few fun times when his parents aren’t home isn’t showing that.  It’s fun, but not really showing that, not in the way he needs it.

I’ve spent so much more time with my sisters than him, and maybe it should have been the other way around.  Or maybe it shouldn’t, but it’s enough of an open question…

Anyway, today we worked on choreography again.  All of us.  It’s kind of controlled chaos, all the idols are in the middle of the room doing their thing, and we’re all kinda circled around doing our thing as well, and sometimes bumping into each other or falling on our faces.  We’re getting better but there’s a lot of practice and rehearsal needed.  The idols have been really nice about it, they know we’re not pros.  Except for Yuki, who’s taken to it like a duck to water.

But we’re a lot better, and the idols are very reassuring that the fans will be very supportive, especially in Houston.  There’s definitely a “hometown girls” kinda vibe to it, which they’re going to play up a little.

So tomorrow they’re doing their “Houston tour” thing, where they get on a bus and see the sights, and we’re going to do our interviews, get a lot of practice, and maybe kidnap the choreographer too.  We’ve already told her we want to do that, and she just giggled and said “oh well, I guess it can’t be helped.”  Which is a polite Japanese way of saying “I’m in!”  So maybe we’ll take her to a waterpark or something.

The producer’s all in too, but he wants us to bring along a camera crew, and he’s providing a bus, too.  So….  yeah.  It’ll be a thing.  Maybe they’ll make it a special mini-documentary “Our choreographer gets kidnapped and showed around Houston by a bunch of American girls!”.  I bet that’d actually be popular.   Yuki wants to come along too, so between her and I, there won’t be too much of a language barrier.

She protested she doesn’t have a swimsuit, so we’ll take her to buy one too, and probably have a camera crew for her to model different ones.  I don’t know how she feels about that, but the glint in the producer’s eyes when he realized the fanservice potential meant she probably won’t have much choice.  But she’ll get to choose the ones she wants to model, I’m going to make sure of that, anyway.  and the choreographer is an older lady, but she’s beautiful.  She doesn’t have anything to worry about, and the blushing will just make her cuter.

Plus she gets some extra pay for it.  You know Japanese media, never pass up a chance for fanservice…

Sadly, we’ll all probably have to model a few too, but I don’t care, as long as they pay for the ones we choose.

Never thought I’d be a gravure model, haha.  But, no, it won’t be quite like that.  It’ll just be come out, spin, say “yes or no”, and go back into the dressing room.  Anything more, and I’ll be putting my foot down, and Yuki agrees.

The producer knows not to mess with us too much, haha.

I’m sure they can make it interesting in editing, you know with the picture in picture, sound effects, Japanese text, and narrator…

I did tell the girls if they need to shave anything, well, now’s the time.  All the blushing, but they listened.  And they’ll probably have their hair done up tomorrow because some of the makeup crew won’t have anything to do, what with the idol group being out and about..

Anyway…  other than that, I’m really tired, and it’s about time to go to bed again and have more talking time with Jack.  He might come with us tomorrow, but he might not.  We’ll see.  Actually, the producer had a thoughtful look on his face when he met Jack… I wonder what that’s about.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me1 Lily!!!

What a busy day!!!

Well, Jack and I spent a lot of time last night cuddled up and talking.  He’s hurt.  I mean he’s really hurt.  I didn’t know how hurt he was but he’s hurt.  He put on a brave face because he didn’t feel like he had a right to be, but… well, he was.  And I don’t really blame him.  I think I would have been, too.

We don’t have any solutions yet.  But at least talking is happening.  Sabby and Allison’s mother tell me that’s very important.

Anyway, we got up early this morning and went over to a studio that they’d rented for the week, and, well, first everyone met all the idols.  I man, we’ve met Miki and of course Miniami, and the aidols have spent a bit of time, but everyone else hadn’t, so we spent a little time getting to know each other.  There’s a significant language barrier so Yuki and I did a lot of translation, but it all worked out.  After that, we spent pretty much the entire day rehearsing our routine.  It was fun, but exhausting, and since most of the girls have never actually been in a group like that, we’re pretty raw.  But the choreographer was patient and said she thinks we’ll do well enough.

They ordered in lunch, so we ate and talked (as much as we could).  The idols are very jet-lagged, and so afterwards they took a bit of a nap before we did afternoon rehearsal.

Basically, the idols are doing to sing their song and do their dance, but we’re all going to be doing chants (“hai! hai!”), swishing around pom poms, and basically doing some marginally athletic cheer moves in our “school uniforms”.  It’s kinda silly but I think it’ll work out well.  We mostly have to be sure to not get in their way and not flub our moves too bad.  They chose moves for us that are tolerant of mistakes (you know, jump around, kick our legs up in the air, a couple of us will do backflips…  that’s what a lot of the rehearsal’s been about, making sure we don’t hurt ourselves), but of course, they’re Japanese, if we “ganbatte” then we can’t really make mistakes.  It’ll be alright.

Not all of us are that athletic, though, so some of us are just kind of prancing around.  but, there’s a particular way to prance that we had to learn…  And the synchronized cartwheels were challenging.

They told us to get to a store and get some “spanx” though so we don’t end up flashing the audience.  Yeah, Yuki did warn me about that.

Anyway, tomorrow, we’re going to do some more work, and then the idols are going on a tour of Houston, which we won’t be going on.   We’ll get to use the studio though if we want to practice on our own, and the choreographer will be around because there’s no need for her to go on the outing with the idols.  After a couple of days of that, we’re going to have our own day out with the idols (that’s quite a few girls, that’s going to be a bit of a mess, but fun), and then we get to rehearse on the actual stage in the convention center.

We might “kidnap” the choreographer for an afternoon and take her somewhere fun, too.  She’s been really helpful.

Somewhere in there we’re all going to go to the interview with the local news, too, and probably have a crew from Japan as well.  The idols aren’t invited to that because, at least for that one brief period of time, it’s not about them.

Anyway, it’s going to be a busy week.

I did take Jack to meet the idols and he kinda hung around as we rehearsed.  He was pretty smooth, and a couple of the idols were sneaking glances and blushing.  Bad.  That’s bad.  No one needs photos of that, it could cause a scandal.

Okay, well, it’s an early day tomorrow, even if this time I don’t have to pop over to Japan at 4 AM.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

We’re in Houston.  Well, at least some of us are.  the rest of them are filtering in over the next day or so.  The LA girls already have their rooms (Britni, Kari, Yu, Chelsi), Rebecca’s coming down tomorrow, and, well, it’s happening.  We’ve got a pretty full schedule going – apparently the local news wants to do an interview with the “girls who were a sensation in Japan”.

But the news you probably are waiting for – I took Jack with me.

See, we talked with Allison’s mother, and we figured out some of the problem:  Jack feels left out.

Looking back on it, how can I blame him?  He’s been like the rent-a-boyfriend for me, I guess you could say.  There when I need him, but I’ve done all this stuff without him.  I went to Japan without him – twice.  I went to LA without him.  I went on a road trip, well…  he was there, so there’s that.  But all this fun stuff I’ve been doing, and I either didn’t include him or couldn’t include him.

And then I come up with this whole “totem” thing and can go all over the world – again… without him.

And I feel so, so bad about that.

I don’t feel bad about the fact that I “left him out”, because, well, it wasn’t on purpose, and most of the time I couldn’t take him along (not all the time, but most of the time).  But I feel bad about the fact that he feels left out, because, let’s face it, he has every friggin’ right to.

Poor guy.

I say I love him…. and I even mean it… but I’ve left him out of almost everything that means anything to me.  It’s been the girls this and the girls that and my sisters this and my sisters that, and, oh, I guess I have a boyfriend too.

The problem is, I don’t know how to fix it, because I can’t actually change much.  I’m still going to Japan, and he’s still not.  And everything I’m doing in Japan, he won’t be included.  And even if he comes to Japan, it’ll be like a completely different world for him that he has no part in except that, well, he’s with me.

I don’t think he likes that feeling, and I don’t blame him.

So…  we at least know what the problem is now.  We’re going to talk about what to do about it.  A lot.  There’s going to be a lot of talking.  And, well, Emiko has given us our own room and she, well..  doesn’t really care what we do in it.  So…  maybe we can, I don’t know…  bond a little, I guess.

She said, basically, “after how I had you, I really have no right to say anything, and you’re adults too… but remember what happened when I did have you, and why you are where and what you are now…  and be responsible, because I know you don’t want to follow my example”.  And, well, she’s right.  Jack and I agree.  Red line applies.

But that doesn’t mean we’re not going to make a not-fully-clothed girl-boy pile, because, dang it, if that’s the kind of thing it takes to save our relationship, then I’ll do it gladly.  Not just that, but…  I like it.  He’s warm and smells like boy and I feel really safe when he’s holding me.

Beth gets to sleep with Aika and Mika, and, well, I’m hoping they can bond as sisters a little.  They’re not bad girls, and maybe Beth could use some more little sisters.

So the aidols… AND the idols… come to Houston tomorrow morning.  I might meet all of them at the airport.  This is going to be an amazingly chaotic time… but fun, too, I think.  And I’m going to introduce Jack to the idol group.  I’m not sure who’s going to explode first.

Jack and I are… ok, right now, I think.  We have a lot to think about and talk about and discuss, and our future isn’t guaranteed, but… at least we have an idea now, and that’s important.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Today, while Jack was out, I went over and talked to his parents for a while.  For a long while, actually.

I won’t pretend I bared my hopes and dreams and all that, but I did tell them what’s going on and how confused and scared I am about the whole thing.

They listened patiently, and when I was done, they just kind of looked at each other.  finally his mother spoke.  “Jack’s a sensitive boy,” she said.  “He always has been.”  then she told me some somewhat hilarious story about how he rescued a worm when he was little, then found all of its friends and filled up the bathtub with worms.  He had run out of works and was starting with roly=polies when they found him.  He was so upset when he had to take the worms out, but the birds had a feast.

Yeah, that’s Jack.

Anyway, they said it’s ultimately my decision, but that they’d rather we be absolutely sure than rushing into something.  Because, they said, at the end of the day, it’s not just about me and Jack, it’s about whatever kids we have.  Do we want to have a seven year old kid and put them through a divorce?

True.

But I told them how much I hated hurting Jack, and they said it’s partly his fault for springing it on me without talking it over first.  It’s a Grand Romantic Gesture but it’s also really risky because you run a very real risk of getting rejected.  Jack was lucky in that, but only just.  They said they’ve been talking to him about that, but he’s too hurt and it’s having a hard time sinking in.

They also said they really admire me for having that, er, “red line” with Jack.  She said it’d be a lot more troublesome if I we’d crossed it.

Probably also true.

I still really don’t know what to do, but Jack and I have an appointment with Allison’s mother tomorrow, maybe she’ll have an insight or two.

Or three. maybe.

I asked Jack why he’s so afraid of me leaving…  and, well… remember what I was telling you about his old school?  Yeah.  the bullies really hurt him, and he’s afraid he’s going to lose me at any time, that I’m just going to say “just kidding” and leave.

I won’t…  but I guess I get that.  I am a catch…  I guess.

Anyway… otherwise…  we’re going to Houston this weekend, and so is the idol group.  Hopefully we’ll get a lot done.  Maybe I should take Jack along, if he wants to go.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I talked to Allison’s mother today.

She didn’t have a lot of advice, but she wanted to talk to both me and Jack.  We’re going to set up something soon.  Hopefully before the weekend because I’m heading to Houston.

She did say that we’re still young and it’s not something we should rush into…  but also that Jack’s feelings are valid, and, well, it’s a tough one I guess.

Jack’s willing, so let’s see what happens.

He’s not a bad guy, and he’s not trying to make me feel bad.  He… just… he has feelings too.

Anyway, the girls are starting to get really nervous now.  This is a whole new experience for them.  Crystal says I got my revenge.  Muahahaha.

Okay, well, it’s late, and I do need to pop over to Japan again this morning to do some more training and get some final stuff sorted out.  I might go with them to the airport for moral support.. wouldn’t that be weird.  Miki’s getting used to my rather odd form of transport… thankfully.  But if I do that, then maybe the rest will get suspicious…  there when they get on, there when they get off… yeah.  Best not.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Honestly, I don’t know if it’s going to work between me and Jack.  It’s not that I think it won’t, I just genuinely don’t know.

It’s not that we’re not talking, or that we’re being angry with each other, or being snippy, we’re not.  There’s not even too much more distance between us.  But there’s a little, and I don’t see how it’s going to get bridged.  He feels like I threw him away, there’s only one way that I can fix that, and I don’t want to, because, to be honest, that feels a bit like emotional blackmail.  I know.. I know that’s not how he means it, but that’s how it feels.  He’s not asking that of me either, he just seems… resigned.  and I hate that most of all.  He doesn’t even really want to fight for it.  Not that he ever did anyway, not that that would be the most healthy thing, but… he won’t even try, anymore.

And maybe he’s right not to.  I did kind of shut it down, didn’t I?

I didn’t throw him away!!! I didn’t!!! Or at least I didn’t mean to.  I just…  don’t feel like it’s the right time.  I don’t feel like it would be good for us to get engaged right now.  I don’t really know why I feel that way, I just… well.. do.  It’s like we’re so young and barely adults and we’re about to go off to one of the most formative experiences of our lives, and if we are stuck together like that, it might make things a lot more difficult to grow. I don’t mean finding other people and that kind of thing, not at all!  But… I mean, it’s a mindset thing.  We’ll already have our futures locked in, in our minds, and we won’t be able to see all the possibilities ahead of us.  Our minds will be on the future, and being together, and having babies, and…  well, I guess there are choices we’d have to make regardless, right?

But isn’t that what being a couple is about?  Bringing the best out of each other?  Maybe…  no.  I won’t say that, not now.  But there’s a reason I feel like it’s not the best choice… and maybe it says something more about me.  After all, most girls are upset because their men won’t commit.  But… this time, the problem is me.  He wants to commit, and I won’t let him.

That’s the thing…  I don’t blame him.  The problem might be me.  Maybe I should call up Allison’s mother or talk to the pastor or something, because I don’t know what’s going on.

Anyway I did tell him, over and over again, that I didn’t tell him no and I don’t want to tell him no.  He knows that… in his head.  His heart… well.. that’s another story.

I guess I don’t have anything else interesting to talk about.  This is really screwing with my head anyway.  And my heart too, if we’re being honest.

I did ask Dave what he thought.  He wasn’t much help… or maybe he was.  He said he thinks I’m just stringing Jack along… I should either commit or cut him loose, because it’s not going to work well in this limbo state.  Maybe he’s right.  Maybe…

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well…  I got it out of Jack.

Don’t worry… we’re okay.  Well, mostly.

I say mostly because…

Jack is generally a pretty sensitive boy.  He’s usually pretty tuned into my feelings, he’s pretty gentle, but I’ve never seen him really passionate about anything.  He threw himself into his studies because he wanted to be with me someday, but that’s about as passionate as I’ve ever seen him.

Until, well, tonight.

He kind of went off on me.  On the phone.

No, don’t worry, he didn’t get violent (well, towards me, anyway) or anything.  He didn’t even say anything hurtful.  That’s not really how Jack is.  but he kind of raised his voice a little, and told me that he’s pretty ticked off at me for throwing him away like I did.

I don’t think I threw him away…  but that wasn’t the time to argue semantics, I guess.  I just let him rant.  I could hear him kicking things in the background, and then he kind of broke down.  I guess the frustration finally became too much.

I can see why he’d see it that way.  Quite frankly, I don’t know if I wouldn’t, in his place.

He said he knows that I’m not rejecting him in his head, but his heart feels differently, and he feels like I don’t want him.  That I’m going to go off to Japan and find another boyfriend and leave him behind, and that I wasn’t willing to close that off and actually commit to being with him.

Well, the part about finding another boyfriend, he’s wrong about…  but I can’t say he’s really wrong about the rest of it… at least from his point of view.  That’s, well, pretty much what I did.

I wanted to explain to him how I feel, how that’s not what I meant… but I’ve already explained all of it.  He knows it.  He even said he knows it.  But it doesn’t change how he feels.

Eventually, he calmed down, we exchanged our professions of love, and he hung up.

And now I just want to stare at a wall.

I’m a girl.  I know more than anyone how much feelings don’t have anything to do with reality sometimes.  He feels like I threw him away.  Nothing could be farther from the truth, but…  is that really true?  Did I do just that?  I just said “not yet”, not “no”.  But…  isn’t an engagement kind of a promise?  Did I refuse to promise him that I’d be with him?  I mean, I’ve said I want to be with him, but an engagement is a solid promise, and I wouldn’t give that to him.

I still think I was right.  But, maybe…  that doesn’t matter.

Yes, he was kicking things.  He’d never do that do me.  But he’s a boy, he has to let the frustration out somehow, I get it.  Besides, he knows I know martial arts and would throw him through a wall if he tried., and then it would be a no.  But…  I can’t tell him not to express his frustration somehow.  It’s okay.  I understand that.  No, I’m not with an abuser.  He’s never even thought of raising a hand to me.  But…  an innocent pillow?  Well…  poor pillow, I suppose.

I don’t know what to do.  Maybe…  maybe I was wrong.  And maybe I don’t deserve to be his girlfriend.  Or wife.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So Yuki and I sent off a big ol’ crate.  It contained some of our bigger stuff that would be awkward for me to pop over, and a few other things we could do without.  I mean, I could pop some of it over, but I was cautioned not to overdo it because of how my “totem” works, so if we can do without whatever for a month, we just stuffed it in the container.

I’m actually starting to pack up some of the stuff I don’t usually use to put it in storage, etc.  I mean, if I need it I can just come get it, but if not, just have a small pile of boxes in the garage or attic, I suppose.

This is really happening, I guess.  I’m moving to Japan, even if temporarily.  the visas are all straightened out (even though I technically don’t need one, Mrs. X. said it’s better that I go through the motions – pretty much they can’t deny me and I could just go anyway even if they did, but they appreciate the thought anyway).  The plane tickets are purchased (again, I don’t need one, but I’m going with Yuki for emotional support), and, well… it’s happening.

It’s starting to sink in for the girls, too.  Especially Crystal.  She’s been clingier than usual lately.  She hasn’t tried to kiss me or anything (I think she would if I let her, at least on the cheek), but she’s been hanging off my arm, sitting in my lap….  just really cuddly.  She usually isn’t, well, quite like that.  She’s a little more adventurous than the rest of us but this isn’t like that.  I see tears in her eyes when she thinks I’m not looking.  She’s been getting a lot of headpats from me lately.

Aww.

Crystal has a big heart.  A wounded, nearly destroyed heart, but a big one, with a huge capacity for love that not all of us have, really.  She feels so intensely, it’s actually a little unnerving sometimes.  Diana’s a little more cheerful, Beth tends to be reserved and analytical, Liz is often guarded (not usually with me after, well, The Incident, but with most others, she is).  But crystal wears her heart on her sleeve, and I don’t know how she’s going to handle it when I leave.

That rhymed.  Heh.

I feel bad, but I don’t.  This is part of growing up.  Loving, leaving, reuniting, growing…  when I come back after I graduate, none of us will be the same.  I won’t, Crystal won’t, Diana won’t, Beth won’t…  none of the girls I know and love and consider sisters will be the same.  I hope we still consider each other sisters after.  But if not, well… that’s a part of life too.  As sad and frustrating as it is, sometimes.

I worry about Crystal the most out of all of us, but also the least.  She’s the one, out of all of us, who knows how much people can suck.  But she also knows how much life can be wonderful, too, even if she doesn’t see it sometimes through a haze of pain.  I hope she finds someone she can love and trust and can move on and have a happy life.

But that’s not an easy thing sometimes, especially for her.

I asked Miki how her group can afford to stay in Houston for as long as they’re going to – their calendar is usually packed full.  She said that they have some other events here too other than just the matsuri, and they want to take a little time to explore Houston.  I suggested maybe they’d like to come to the waterpark.  We girls do like waterparks…  at least when my top stays on.

They’re also going to make a mini-documentary DVD where they travel around Houston and see some of the sights, like the space center, and I guess they might hit up a fair too.  I hope we can go along, but some events are just for the idols.  We’re a flash in the pan, they’re what the fans come for.  She said we might take a day, though, and do a mini-documentary about “a day having fun with the train onee-chan girls”.  That does sound like fun.  Especially if they pay, haha.

When Yuki heard about that, she doubled down on the idol training.  Haha!!!

But it makes sense.  It’ll make for a good documentary if we all know how to act around a camera.

It’s been a bit challenging getting all the girls from Dallas, Houston, and LA on the same page, but we’re managing.  It’s kind of a full time job for Yuki right now, but she’s kind of in her element, and she doesn’t mind.  It’s fun for her, to feel like she’s getting back into the idol world a little.  In fact, some of the training stuff, I’ve been recording, it’ll probably go on one of the DVDs.

After it’s all done, maybe they’ll never use it again.  But I think Crystal and Beth will, at least.  And Aika and Mika are cute enough, maybe they can actually make something out of it.  They’re what, 11 and 12 now? Just at that cute age where everything’s just starting to blossom, and when Yuki’s training them, there’s “awwww!”s from everyone.  I don’t think Emiko will let them be idols, though.

Not surprising, tbh.  Don’t blame her in the slightest.  But they’re still cute.

Anyway…  gotta go.

Love you all!!! ❤️

 

Hi! It’s me1 Lily!!!

It’s August!!!

One month and I’m “moving” to Japan!!!

Awww.

i don’t know what to say or feel, so…

Jack came over last night.  He wanted to talk.  So we did.  Talk, I mean.  A lot.  You know, we haven’t ever talked as much as we do now.  I mean, we’ve gone out, and spent time together, and it’s not like we didn’t talk, but now… there’s just so much to say and neither of us really knows how to say it.

Our relationship has been pretty easy till now.  Go on dates, have fun together, talk some, snuggle a lot…  but this feels like one of those times that really tests a couple.  Jack is hurt.  I can tell he is, but he can’t or won’t come out and say it.  But what would it do if he did?  I’m not going to change my mind.  But at least I wish he’d be honest with me… or himself, maybe.  He’s an honest man, I don’t think he’d lie to me on purpose.  But maybe he doesn’t know himself.

And I keep saying, It’s not a permanent no.  I do want to marry him, someday.  I just can’t say yes right now.  I don’t want to say yes to anyone else.  I couldn’t imagine saying yes to anyone else.  But it’s so complicated right now, and would is damage us more if I said yes?  I don’t know, but I have to stick to it.

Oh well.

It was a good talk, though.  He got closer than ever to admitting how he really feels.  He just can’t quite get there.

He’s getting ready to go to Ohio.  He’s got his dorm and will be leaving about the same time I will.  Will I cry?  I don’t know.  It’s not like it’s goodbye forever, and I can still see him.  But it’ll be different.

In a little more than a week the idol group is heading for Houston.  I hope that turns out alright.

Anyway…  guess I should go.  I feel a little sad, tonight.  Not like nothing will ever get better, but… things right now look a little more bleak than I thought they would.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s funny, you know?  It seems like ever since I met Yuki my life has become much more music focused than it used to be.  Well, maybe ever since that time in Orlando when I learned I could play the piano, but that’s kind of when it took off.  I guess that’s what happens when you’re friends with a former idol, a couple of current idols (Minami is still having a blast, I see her every now and then when I’m working with Miki, but she’s really busy), and a friend who’s pretty much a musical prodigy.  And me, who’s an accomplished musician in my own way, but I have no idea how I got that way.  I mean, yes, I’m sure I practiced a lot, but I don’t really remember any of that.  Mrs. Doily told me a few things, but it’s still mostly a blank.

Apparently, as spoiled and hard to get along with as I was, I was a studious worker and practiced diligently.  Even then I didn’t like to coast, I was just insufferable about it.

But music is important.  It’s a language that can pierce all words and run right through your heart in a way that many other things, well, can’t.  My piano teacher explained it like this:  music is about how it makes you feel.  And that’s pretty much it.  A composer’s greatest skill is making you feel what they want you to.

Crystal seems to understand that instinctively, and it’s amazing to see.

But I know I talk about it a lot, like I talk about some other things a lot.

I’m starting to wind things down here, emotionally, I mean.  I’m leaving soon.  In a month, pretty much exactly.  I’m going to hop a plane with Yuki and Emiko, and when I get off that plane, I’m going to start a new life, with new friends, new school, new apartment, even a new language.  Yuki and I are going to room in an apartment, and she’s going to learn how to do anime voice acting, and I’m going to, well, learn to do whatever it is I’m going to do.  We’ll go to the konbini and spend weekends in Akihabara and maybe Yuki will even find a boyfriend and get married someday.  And everything I know here, well…  kinda won’t be mine anymore.  Even when I come back.

Sabby has promised to keep my room the way I left it, but I don’t really believe her.  It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s that it’s a lot to ask.  I didn’t even ask.

Liz and Jack are preparing to go off to college too.  We’re… we’re all leaving.  Leaving each other.  Leaving Round Rock.  Just… leaving.

I’m glad I’m not taking Jack with me.

It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with him, or even live with him.  Of course I do!  But if I were to take him with me to Japan, well, he’d have nothing.  He can’t speak the language, he’d be pretty much entirely dependent on me, and that’s really no way at all to keep a relationship going, is it?  I mean, he’d put on a brave face, and maybe he’d even enjoy himself, but I’d always have that nagging feeling that I’m holding him back… or maybe even that he’s holding me back.  I dunno.  It’s complicated.  People are complicated.

I hope we still feel the same about each other when we graduate.  Because if we do and he proposes then, I’ll say “yes, yes, a thousand times yes” like in those stupid fanfictions.

But four years is a long time.

It’s a really long time.

And I think I did hurt him.

But again, what am I to do?  Really, what am I to do?  I couldn’t not.  It’s not like he discussed it with me in advance, he just sprang it on me.  He didn’t even talk to his parents.  I could have spared his feelings, but at what cost?  I know he knows in his mind that it’s the right thing, waiting, I mean, but in his heart?

And I just can’t blame him, I really can’t.  I feel awful about it.

But I don’t regret it.  It was the right call.

So anyway…  I guess things will fall where they may.

Do you think I’d make a good teacher?

Love you all!!! ❤️