Month: July 2024

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s funny, you know?  It seems like ever since I met Yuki my life has become much more music focused than it used to be.  Well, maybe ever since that time in Orlando when I learned I could play the piano, but that’s kind of when it took off.  I guess that’s what happens when you’re friends with a former idol, a couple of current idols (Minami is still having a blast, I see her every now and then when I’m working with Miki, but she’s really busy), and a friend who’s pretty much a musical prodigy.  And me, who’s an accomplished musician in my own way, but I have no idea how I got that way.  I mean, yes, I’m sure I practiced a lot, but I don’t really remember any of that.  Mrs. Doily told me a few things, but it’s still mostly a blank.

Apparently, as spoiled and hard to get along with as I was, I was a studious worker and practiced diligently.  Even then I didn’t like to coast, I was just insufferable about it.

But music is important.  It’s a language that can pierce all words and run right through your heart in a way that many other things, well, can’t.  My piano teacher explained it like this:  music is about how it makes you feel.  And that’s pretty much it.  A composer’s greatest skill is making you feel what they want you to.

Crystal seems to understand that instinctively, and it’s amazing to see.

But I know I talk about it a lot, like I talk about some other things a lot.

I’m starting to wind things down here, emotionally, I mean.  I’m leaving soon.  In a month, pretty much exactly.  I’m going to hop a plane with Yuki and Emiko, and when I get off that plane, I’m going to start a new life, with new friends, new school, new apartment, even a new language.  Yuki and I are going to room in an apartment, and she’s going to learn how to do anime voice acting, and I’m going to, well, learn to do whatever it is I’m going to do.  We’ll go to the konbini and spend weekends in Akihabara and maybe Yuki will even find a boyfriend and get married someday.  And everything I know here, well…  kinda won’t be mine anymore.  Even when I come back.

Sabby has promised to keep my room the way I left it, but I don’t really believe her.  It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s that it’s a lot to ask.  I didn’t even ask.

Liz and Jack are preparing to go off to college too.  We’re… we’re all leaving.  Leaving each other.  Leaving Round Rock.  Just… leaving.

I’m glad I’m not taking Jack with me.

It’s not that I don’t want to spend time with him, or even live with him.  Of course I do!  But if I were to take him with me to Japan, well, he’d have nothing.  He can’t speak the language, he’d be pretty much entirely dependent on me, and that’s really no way at all to keep a relationship going, is it?  I mean, he’d put on a brave face, and maybe he’d even enjoy himself, but I’d always have that nagging feeling that I’m holding him back… or maybe even that he’s holding me back.  I dunno.  It’s complicated.  People are complicated.

I hope we still feel the same about each other when we graduate.  Because if we do and he proposes then, I’ll say “yes, yes, a thousand times yes” like in those stupid fanfictions.

But four years is a long time.

It’s a really long time.

And I think I did hurt him.

But again, what am I to do?  Really, what am I to do?  I couldn’t not.  It’s not like he discussed it with me in advance, he just sprang it on me.  He didn’t even talk to his parents.  I could have spared his feelings, but at what cost?  I know he knows in his mind that it’s the right thing, waiting, I mean, but in his heart?

And I just can’t blame him, I really can’t.  I feel awful about it.

But I don’t regret it.  It was the right call.

So anyway…  I guess things will fall where they may.

Do you think I’d make a good teacher?

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s coming up fast, isn’t it?  The next stage of my life.

It doesn’t feel like it’s been this short a time, does it?  Or this long a time…

Jack’s been a little quiet lately.  He’s himself, he’s not angry or acting out or anything, he’s himself and not putting on airs or fake smiles, he’s just… quiet.  I think I hurt him.  I didn’t mean to and it was never meant to be a permanent “no”, but…  maybe that doesn’t really matter.  Maybe I’d be hurt, too.  But what else could I do?  Say “yes” when I didn’t think it was the right time or the right reasons?

Maybe I should take him some food.  Maybe I should make it myself.  I’m not the best cook but I need to show him I still love him, I think.  Because I do.

There are other ways, but, it doesn’t feel like a good time.  Like I’m just buying him with my body.  That’s not what bodies are for.

I don’t really know what to do.  People don’t come with an instruction manual.

We’ve all got our reservations in Houston, which is nice.  I’m going to stay with Emiko for the week with Beth, but the other girls are going to have to find their own way.  They don’t mind.  Miki wanted to let someone stay with her or one of the other idols, but there’s going to be camera crews around so that doesn’t really work.  They’re going to do a mini-documentary, and also about us as well, so that’ll be interesting.  Girls wanted to make me famous?  Hahah!!!  

Well… to be fair, they didn’t.  It just kinda happened.

Crystal and Diana are going to hole up with Rebecca (Emiko doesn’t really want Rebecca staying over, and that’s understandable, she’s a reminder of wounds of the past), and the LA girls are going to get a room of their own, so it’ll all work out.

Emiko doesn’t hate Rebecca.  Don’t get the wrong idea  They get along alright.  Emiko even asks about her sometimes.  It’s just…  there’s still some history there, and Emiko doesn’t want to be put in a position where she’ll take anything out on Rebecca.

Emiko’s not a bad woman.  She just…. has her past, too.

We’re going to put Yuki’s and my big stuff into a crate and send it off to Japan this weekend.  It’ll take a month or so to get there by boat, so…  I’m going to buy some Japanese style furniture when I get there, but there’s still a few things we want to send along.  Fortunately not a lot.

Hmm, what else…  oh, Yuki might have something lined up when she gets there.  there’s a prestigious voice acting school she wants to attend and when they found out it was her applying there was a lot of virtual bowing and “yoroshiku onegaishimasu” and “tuition?  What tuition!  Just let us use your name and image in our promotional materials” and, well, she’s going to learn how to voice act anime.  That’s cool, really.  she’s got a good and expressive voice, I think she’ll do well.  She has the “huh?” down.  Haha!!!

Heck, that sounds like fun.  Maybe I’ll join her in my off hours.

Okay!!!  Gotta go!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me1 Lily!!!

It wasn’t a very exciting weekend.  We did a lot of practicing and exercising and stuffs.  Yuki is really working us out.  She says that if we screw up we’re giving idols a bad name – even if we aren’t one, and we’re not going to screw up.  So she’s working us hard.

It’s fine, though.  It’s actually a little fun.  It think Beth and Crystal are really taking their lessons to heart.  Diana just seems happy to go along with everyone, and, well…  it seems to be working out.  I showed Miki a video of all the girls rehearsing and she was almost giddy, she says it’ll be a lot of fun.

The Houston organizers want professional headshots of everyone.  And, well, none of us have them.  So I said you can’t have professional, but you can have pretty good, and I went around and got photos of everyone.  She said fine, whatever, and they’ll work with it.  I’m not a terrible photographer, and it all worked out.

So, yeah.   I guess this is happening.

Other than that, it wasn’t a busy weekend.  Dave grilled, but we got rained out a bit.  But it wasn’t a heavy rain, so we recovered well.  I brought Miki some of Dave’s grilling, and she was so thankful I thought she was going to kiss me.  But, none of that, she just grabbed a chicken wing, said a remarkably cheerful “ITADAKIMASU”,  and dug in.  And then was going “oishii!!!” with sauce all over her mouth.  It was strangely cute.  Idols sure do know how to do “cute”.

I wouldn’t say we’re best friends, but we’re pretty good friends.  I’m friends with several idols!  How did that happen???

I brought Ai some too.  She was a little more reserved but enjoyed it just as much.  I didn’t have enough for everyone but I’ll try to fix that when i go to Japan.

Miki will probably tell the rest of the idols, and then I’ll have to at some point.  Dave’s grilling is just that good.

Well, time to go now.  Liz is staying over tonight even though everyone else went home, and we’re going to make a mini-pile..

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

The girls are over tonight.  We’re trying to spend as much time together as we can, because, well…  it’s going away soon.  I mean, yes, Beth, Crystal, and Diana will still be around, it won’t be the same… for any of us.

Sometimes we’re sad, but…  we’re also trying to just enjoy our time together while it lasts.

Yuki’s giving idol lessons to the girls.  Some of the non-local ones are listening in via facetime.  It’s not like they’re going to make a career of it, so she’s just telling stories and helping them learn how to fake a beautiful smile.  Crystal needs the most work.  She’s pretty intense, but her smile is a little creepy when she’s trying too hard.

Beth’s kinda soaking it up, though.  She’s thinking about becoming a model, and she’s really thinking of becoming a singer, at least for a hobby, so being able to fake a good mood is a good skill to have.  That’s a little sad, but I guess I can understand it.  Crystal also thinks she can use some of these lessons for her band.   I mean, yeah, it’s not like her band is supposed to be some cheerful idol group, but a little stage presence never hurts, and Yuki IS a pro.  She’d be a fool to not take the free coaching, and she knows it.  Heck, even I’m learning a few things.  Being a pianist is a very different skillset than being an idol, but a few things do track.

Oh, did I mention?  Some folks saw her band perform at our grand opening, and they have gigs now!  Nothing at the HEB center, but I guess some cafe wanted her to play, and they get to play every now and then at the MT as well (it’s an asian supermarket with a stage for a live band).

Anyway, we’re full of pizza and chocolate, and we have some fun stuff planned for tomorrow, so I guess it’s time for bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Not much to talk about tonight.  And I need to get up early.  Some nights I just don’t post when it’s like this, but I guess I’ll just say that, right now.

The girls are coming over tomorrow.  It should be fun.  It usually is.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

You know what?  I’m an idiot!!! And I’m not even Canadian!!!

(whose line is it anyway joke, not dissing Canadians.  Blame Canada!!!)

Liz had her Birthday on July 4th, and I didn’t say anything!!!

She was off with her parents, so we celebrated low-key, I just gave her a present and told her happy birthday.  Her parents wanted to spend some time with her, before she goes to college, so they had a special day on their own.  And we all went to the park and played frisbee and stuff, so it just kind of slipped my mind.

Liz is important to me.  I mean, very important to me.  She was my first and best friend, and we’ve gone through a lot together.  And if Jack and I ever get married, she’ll even be my cousin-in-law!  And I actually wish I could have done more with her on her birthday, but it just didn’t work out.  Sometimes these things just don’t work out.  But I told her how much I love her, and, well…  she’s okay.  She knows.  She doesn’t need a lavish party or an expensive gift to know.  She knows I’d give my life for her if she needed it.

But she’d better not need it.  Apparently, I can’t be killed, so that’s an empty promise anyway.

I don’t always talk about things that happen in my life here.  Sometimes I don’t even talk about important things!  But it’s almost always just because I forgot or had other things to talk about and wanted to keep my diary short.  It’s already at, wow.  530,000 words?  That’s a lot.  I’ve done a lot of typing over the last three years or so.

I have a neat little word count plugin on this site I can use to see how many words it has.  It’s not perfect but pretty accurate.

Wow.  530,000 words.

Anyway, yeah.  I feel bad sometimes when I don’t talk about things I meant to talk about, but you know, I’m not perfect.  I’m just Lily.  An imperfect, only a little smart, sometimes really dumb and gullible eighteen year old girl… woman…  girl-woman?  I don’t know what to call myself.  Technically I’m a woman but I don’t feel like one most of the time.  I still feel like that fourteen year old girl who was sitting in an unfamiliar guest room crying her eyes out because she couldn’t even remember her name.

I’ve come so far over the past three years, but I’m still not perfect.  My sisters know that about me.  In fact, sometimes they’ll make jokes about how, well, not perfect I am.  But they love me anyway, and that’s what matters.  Sometimes they give me chocolate, sometimes they write me songs, sometimes they write me poems, sometimes they just look me in the eyes and tell me they love me, and sometimes…  we make a girl pile and they snuggle up close, close their eyes, and we drift off to sleep with our arms around each other.  Not often, and not that way, silly billies, it’s all about sisterhood, nothing else… but… they do love me.  And even when they get boyfriends and husbands and children and grandchildren, they will still love me.  And I’ll love them just as much.

There were a couple of times when one of them had a very nice dream, though.  boy, did she get embarrassed when she woke up…  but it’s okay.  It’s not on purpose.  That’s part of being human.  And, well, at least we’re not boys.  The things they tell me…

When Liz is afraid of storms, she tells me she feels safe when I’m with her.  Crystal tells me she feels safe when I’m around.  Beth says she feels like I’m her big sister and will always look out for her and protect her.  Diana, well, she loves that I love her cooking.  And all my other friends and sisters and relatives love me too.

I’m a lucky girl.  Maybe I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

And you love me too!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So there have been some events in the news that I haven’t mentioned.  Honestly, I try to avoid talking about events in the news, particularly ones that have to do with politics.  This isn’t a political diary!!!  It’s a Lily diary!!! I don’t like talking about politics!  I don’t even like thinking about politics.

But someone tried to kill one of the candidates a week ago.

Dave doesn’t think the government had anything to do with it, but he thinks they might have taken advantage of it and hoped it succeeded.  Well, clearly, it didn’t.  I’m glad for that.  Dave thinks it would have led to civil war if it did.  I don’t know, but maybe so.

The thing that gets me is, well, I could have prevented it.  If I’d known.  I could have popped in behind him and kicked him off the roof.

But that’s something that Mrs. X. warned me about.  Doing that kind of thing isn’t my place.  Because even if I made an exception and did it just once, what about the things I couldn’t do?  It’s best to not get involved without being asked to by the Boss himself.  And with all the cameras, well, that might have been a crapshow anyway.

And besides…  Apparently his survival was an actual bona-fide miracle.  According to the boss… he doesn’t need us to make miracles, he can do just fine himself.  It’s one of those subtle miracles that you get to decide whether you think it’s one or not…  but I get to ask the boss directly.  Yay?

Sabby thinks God has a plan for him.  Maybe she’s right.  But none of us seriously think he’s like “God’s anointed” or anything like that.  I know better than anyone that sometimes God has a use for someone, in spite of themselves, not because of themselves.

The other thing is that the current president isn’t running again.

Okay, so…  I don’t really have a strong opinion about who gets to be president next time.  I’m old enough to vote now, and I will, but I haven’t looked too much into it.  Dave and Sabby usually have different ideas about who they’ll vote for anyway (though they never tell me how to vote).  But even, well, the one who didn’t want the other guy to be elected was remarking about how the current guy can’t string together two coherent sentences – and that debate was embarrassing.  So, he’s out.  No one knows who’ll replace him, though apparently the current VP will.  Sabby calls her “cackles”.  I wonder why.

How do I feel about all that?

Well, it’s not that I don’t care.  I mean, I kinda don’t, but it’s not that I don’t.  It’s just that these are two people I really don’t like anyway.  I don’t like the current guy because he’s, well…  not good at his job and I’ve heard things about how he, well…  wasn’t good with his daughter and his son got convicted of something.  I don’t like the other guy because he’s just kind of a jerk.  I mean, I get why people do, but I just don’t like him.  Will I vote for him, though?  Well, umm… maybe.  You can be a jerk and still do a good job.

I mean, the nicest people in the government tend to be the least competent, right?

Anyway, that’s all I’ll talk about with politics.  Sabby and Dave have a lot stronger opinions, but I won’t share those her.e  That’s not what this diary is for!!!

Speaking of this diary… the time of ending is fast approaching.  The time of endings, and beginnings.  We have maybe one or two big events coming up, then… well, it’s gone.

I popped over to Japan this morning to have more lessons with Miki and the choreographer.  I’m… not a great dancer, but I’m getting good enough that I don’t feel embarrassed.  So that’s something.  I’m talking to the producer about costuming, but they think the cosplay uniforms they were all wearing are sufficient.  I think so too.  This time I brought back some dango and everyone’s been chewing on it all day.  Mochi is the best!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well, it was a day, I suppose.

Jack and I did go out.  Then we talked.  A lot.  There are some times when we go out that we can’t really keep our hands off each other, but tonight wasn’t one of those nights.  We just talked.

We talked about the present, and more importantly, the future.  It’s kind of cliche to say we talked about our “hopes and dreams”, and we only kind of did.  It’s more that we talked about our hopes and dreams together.  Like, what did we want to get out of our relationship other than just finding some comfort in each other?

It turns out that… we really don’t know.  We know that we do love each other and do want each other and all that fun stuff, but at the end of the day, neither of us could say exactly what we wanted out of all of this.

And maybe that’s okay.  Maybe it’s normal.  Maybe a couple sometimes throws themselves into the deep end of a relationship and then swims out.  I guess that takes about seven years, and as often ends in divorce as not.

I do love the time we spend time together – especially that time when we do some of the things that, well, adults do.  You know, clothes on the floor and all that.  (we don’t do everything but almost).  And it’s nice when we go on dates and spend time together.  And I love spending time with Grace (she’s getting big now!) and his family (and Lily the dog too).  I love all of it.  But what do we want?

Neither of us could answer.

And, well…  Maybe that’s a question we should answer before I say yes.

He seems to understand all this.  It’s not like he’s upset at me or anything.  He’s disappointed, but he seems to think – or at least understand – that he’s being a bit selfish.  There’s nothing wrong with selfish, but the stakes are really high on this one.

Okay… in other news.

Crystal wrote me a piano piece.

I didn’t really think she had that in her.  I really didn’t.  She’s pretty good at songwriting when it comes to the rocky kinds of music.  But she really, well…  went on a whole other level.  And it’s good, too.  Not Mozart good, but I certainly wouldn’t mind performing it.  She’s got this innate understanding of harmony that I wish I had.  I mean, I’m a good piano player and I understand what I’m playing, but she just seems to know how chords fit together and how to voice the piece that’s on a whole other level.  And she doesn’t even really know the repertoire – she’s doing it pretty much based on sound, and the few lessons she took.  I did have to give her feedback on a few chords that are pretty much impossible to play (you can make chords that require some real hand contortions), but she fixed those pretty easily.

She’s an amazing girl.  She really is.  I wish she could see that, the way the rest of us do.  She’s amazing.  All that stuff she went through, and it turns out, well, she has all this talent and feeling inside of her, and it’s just been itching to get out.

Her parents are… well, they’re supporting her, but they seem sad.  It’s like they’re beating themselves up for not noticing.  Maybe they should, but, well… they’re not really bad parents.  At least they’re well intentioned.

I ear Allison is taking up saxophone too.  Yay Allison!!  I haven’t seen her much lately, I guess her family’s having some medical issues or something.  But it seems to be getting better.  They’ve had their share of problems over the past few years, unfortunately.

Anyway…  other than church today, which was mostly uneventful, not much going on.  Maybe some storms tomorrow.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So I got news today!  We’re going to be doing a handshake event in Houston!!! Me and all the girls!!!

Haha!!!

I don’t mind, but a couple of the girls are freaking out a bit.  They don’t know how to idol!!!  But I told them it’s okay, Yuki and Miki will teach them.  It’s pretty much just about letting them clasp your hand, smiling, and telling them it’s nice to see them until they get herded out.  And they get to sign merch and stuff, too.

I have a feeling Crystal’s just going to be all tsundere, but I think that’s fine, as long as she’s consistent about it.

I have no sympathy at all.  They played a prank on me in a Japanese train.  It’s good for them, anyway.

Otherwise, it was a pretty quiet day.  No storms or anything, a little hot but not excessively so, particularly for the middle of July, and we might get storms in a couple of days.  This is unusual for July, but hey.  I guess we’ll have our drought next month, or something.

Well, I don’t have a lot to say right now, I guess.  I have a date with Jack tomorrow night.  We’re going to talk about a lot of stuff.  I hope it turns out alright.  It usually does, though.  He’s not a bad guy at all.  Men have feelings too.  Sabby told me that’s the most important thing to remember, and they’re not always the same feelings I have.  As long as I remember that, it should turn out alright.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I asked Sabby today why she thinks her marriage lasted as long as it has.

She didn’t even hesitate.  “Because we came into our marriage already fully formed,” she said, looking a little wistful.   “Some couples meet as children or teenagers or even young adults and grow together… and sometimes they can even survive and have a happy marriage, but it’s just so much trouble to try to grow up into your own people while still, well, not being your own person.  I mean.. if you change like this, will he leave you?  If you want to do that, will he be mad at you?”  She looked pensive.  “Dave and I met young, and in some ways he and I grew up together, but…  we didn’t marry too soon.  I had a lot of growing up to do…  and so did he, but in a different way.”

“What way did he have to grow up?”

“He had to learn to accept me.”  She looked sad.  “I mean, I had a past.  He… didn’t trust me for a very long time.”  She sighed, like she was deflating.  “I don’t blame him.  I didn’t trust me, either.”

“But… you made it work, right?”

“Well, duh,” she said, a little of the Sabby spitfire I know in her voice.  “We’re still married, aren’t we?  But… it wasn’t always easy.  The only thing we had sometimes was the promise we made to each other.  That meant something to both of us.  We made it work.  We… waited until we could keep our promises.”  She looked sad.  “Or… when we could believe the other person would keep theirs.”  She looked uncharacteristically vulnerable.  “I knew he could keep his.  But he… well…”

I remembered the very first piece of advice Jack and I got, back when I took that fateful trip to Orlando with Liz’s family.  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

If I were to say yes to Jack right now, could I keep the promise?  Well, probably.  I mean, I don’t have any reason to think I couldn’t, right?  We’ve been together for nearly, what, three years now?  I love him.  But…  is that a promise we can’t keep?

I don’t think either of us know, not really.  And until we’re sure, or at least a little sure…

Anyway, what’s done is done.  For now, anyway.  He’s not upset.  He’s a little disappointed and sad.  I can tell.  I know that a part of his reason was that he was afraid.. but that wasn’t the whole reason.  I think he really does want to make me his, to make a family with me…  and I understand.  Family is important.  But a family that will last is even more important.

Diana’s parents aren’t together.  She lives with her mother.  She, well… the scars are still there.

But, Crystal’s parents are still together, and she has a lot of scars too.

Life is complicated, isn’t it?

Miki’s choreographer is happy with my progress, but she wants to see videos of the other girls.  I’ll try to get everyone (that I can) together this weekend.  The aidols are making occasional trips to Tokyo too to work with me and the choreographer.  They seem really excited.  And sometimes we get ramen after.  They’re in college now so it’s a bit harder, finding time for everyone.

Love you all!!! ❤️