Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Yuki and I are leaving for Japan tomorrow.  No chartered flight this time, but we knew that was pretty much a once in a lifetime thing anyway.  We leave at 10AM from Houston for Haneda, and get there at about 3 PM.  So…  Yuki and I are in a hotel room tonight.  It just seemed to make sense, rather than trying to drive two hours early in the morning, and getting there right around rush hour.  It took a bit to find a hotel that would rent to us, because we’re both below 21 (Yuki is 20, I think) but we figured it out.

We got a nice, but utilitarian room.  Yuki is showering now so I thought I’d write here.

This morning Sabby wanted to talk a little.  I mean, I’m always up to talking with Sabby, but I never quite know which Sabby I’m going to get.  Will it be the comforting, mothering Sabby?  The pensive, insecure Sabby?  Or Claire Huxtable Sabby?  This morning it… was a combination of all three, actually.

It finally hit her that I’m an adult.

I mean, it’s true she hasn’t known me my whole life.  She met me when I was fourteen (even though I didn’t know it at the time), and she’s kinda tried to make up for lost time in some ways.  She loves me, a lot, but I think she feels bad sometimes that she didn’t really raise me and there’s not a whole lot she can help me with.  I mean, for as much trouble as David and even Beth can be sometimes, she did raise them.  But me… I came to her mostly fully formed, just with a lot of gaps.  It seems to bother her sometimes.

And it really bothers her that, not only do I not share her beliefs religiously, in some ways I’m… kind of beyond religion.  If that makes sense.  I don’t really need the trappings of religion in many ways because the reality is all here, in my head and heart.  I don’t always get to talk to… well, whoever I talk to, but when I do, it’s… what’s that big theological word the pastor likes to use all the time…  imanent.

(I’ll still call him the pastor.  That’s how I know him.)

She told me she’s worried about me… but also jealous in some ways.  She thinks I don’t need her.

Well, in some ways… I guess I don’t.  I don’t need her financial help, really.  I don’t really need her spiritual help… not really.  I don’t need a whole lot from her.  But I still need her.  I need her when I need someone to cry on, I need her when I need someone to tell me how stupid I’m being, I need her when I need some really delicious spaghetti, or a lot of cookies and other pastries.  I know these don’t seem like big things, but they are to me.  How would I survive if I didn’t have her chest to cry on when all the tears are coming out so hard I can barely catch my breath and all I can do is sob my heart out?  She always just presses my head to her chest and strokes my hair, and tells me to just get it all out and then we can talk about it…  and what kind of treasure is that?  All the money in the world can’t pay for that.

So, of course I need her.  I don’t tell her as often as I should, but I need her sometimes more than I can possibly tell her.  I mean, I give her chocolate when I could eat it myself.  What does that say?

But now I’m about to go off on my own.  I’m heading to Japan pretty much on my own right now, I’m about to graduate, and maybe go to Japan for “good”, and the next chapter of my life is going to start.  And I will be far away from her, maybe for extended periods of time.  But that doesn’t matter.  She’ll always be my mother.  Always.

She fussed so hard over me when we left this afternoon, but…  I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I think she asked if I had my passport like five times.  And Jack came over to, to send me off with a hug and a kiss that was far too long for Sabby’s comfort, but I didn’t care.  Not this time.

Oh, Yuki’s out of the shower.  I guess it’s my turn.  Yuki’s really looking forward to one of those deep baths, the kind they have in Japan where the water can even spill over and the overflow can drain too.  But showers have their own charm, too.  She’s not really looking forward to going back to Japan… but she feels like it’s time.  She’s ran away from it long enough.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Maybe I’ll write from the airport, but my next post will probably be from Japan.  I suspect they’re going to pick me up and take me right to the studio.  When I post, I’ll probably post in the evening in Japan, but backdate it to evening here the previous day, because prior experience taught me that’s HELLA confusing.