Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!
I’m kinda sad. Not “staring at the wall” sad, but.. sad. I’m sad because everything I do with my sisters, and family, and even Jack.. it feels like things aren’t going to be the same in a few days, because they aren’t. Is this what it feels like when something dies?
We all went to the mall today. I needed to get some stuff for my trip, and, well, I just want to spend as much time as I can with everyone. That’s why last weekend was so nice, everyone was together and we all just had a blast… the aidols, the idols, all of us, Rebecca, her friends, Emiko’s family… everyone was there. And all the singing and dancing was fun, but I just treasured all the time we were spending together… all of us. I wish I’d been able to say proper goodbyes but I had to support Jack. Putting my sisters before Jack is a mistake I don’t want to keep making. They’re all important to me, but my sisters are my sisters and Jack (hopefully) is my future. I’ll always be able to spend time with my sisters, but if I lose Jack I don’t know how I’m going to replace him. I mean, sure, I probably could, but, well, he’s Jack. I didn’t just choose him because he was convenient. I chose him because he’s Jack. Besides, I popped over really quick to say goodbye to everyone (at least everyone who knows my secret). And the idols/aidols, well… I’ll be in Japan soon, so it’s not goodbye at all, not really.
I’m still sad, though. I don’t know if I’m going to not be sad, at least for a while. I can’t imagine I won’t be bawling like a baby when I get on the plane with Yuki and Emiko… but… it needs to happen. I need to go. I need to look towards my future.
I just wish it didn’t feel a little like my sisters are the past.
How much my life has changed over the past three years. I remember when I was found, how lost and confused I was, how I didn’t even know my name. How every memory I have, I made here, with my new family and friends. Even the bad memories, of which there thankfully aren’t too many, I made them all here. And all the discoveries I made about myself, discoveries that changed my life and the lives of others (like Anathema), and I’ll never, ever be the same. And all because of a stupid accident my birth parents did because they couldn’t be bothered to follow protocol.
I cried so hard that week, the week I was found. I cried so hard that I ran out of tears and I still wanted to cry but I just couldn’t because there wasn’t any cry left. But Sabby always made me feel welcome, like I was part of the family, and then I officially became part of the family. And I don’t know if I’ve ever cried that hard since. I mean, I cried, and sometimes a lot, but I’ve never cried so hard that I ran out of tears and just walked around like a zombie. And then there’s the others as well, the owner, who supported me so well when I was working for him (I need to go and say goodbye), Robert (who I’ve pretty much forgiven, but he’ll never be a father to me like Dave is), and, well, the Boss, who seems to have had an outsized role in all this. It turned out well.
For some of us, well, it didn’t start out that well either. We found Crystal at a homeless shelter. She’s grown up so much too, like I said yesterday. She’s had a different set of challenges, but we all.. we’re all human. All of us. I have a few abilities most people don’t, but it doesn’t really matter, not really. I’d give them all up in a second if it meant Crystal would be happy. It wouldn’t and I can’t, but that’s how I feel.
The last three years have been so hard, but so… so… wonderful.