Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!
Well… I got it out of Jack.
Don’t worry… we’re okay. Well, mostly.
I say mostly because…
Jack is generally a pretty sensitive boy. He’s usually pretty tuned into my feelings, he’s pretty gentle, but I’ve never seen him really passionate about anything. He threw himself into his studies because he wanted to be with me someday, but that’s about as passionate as I’ve ever seen him.
Until, well, tonight.
He kind of went off on me. On the phone.
No, don’t worry, he didn’t get violent (well, towards me, anyway) or anything. He didn’t even say anything hurtful. That’s not really how Jack is. but he kind of raised his voice a little, and told me that he’s pretty ticked off at me for throwing him away like I did.
I don’t think I threw him away… but that wasn’t the time to argue semantics, I guess. I just let him rant. I could hear him kicking things in the background, and then he kind of broke down. I guess the frustration finally became too much.
I can see why he’d see it that way. Quite frankly, I don’t know if I wouldn’t, in his place.
He said he knows that I’m not rejecting him in his head, but his heart feels differently, and he feels like I don’t want him. That I’m going to go off to Japan and find another boyfriend and leave him behind, and that I wasn’t willing to close that off and actually commit to being with him.
Well, the part about finding another boyfriend, he’s wrong about… but I can’t say he’s really wrong about the rest of it… at least from his point of view. That’s, well, pretty much what I did.
I wanted to explain to him how I feel, how that’s not what I meant… but I’ve already explained all of it. He knows it. He even said he knows it. But it doesn’t change how he feels.
Eventually, he calmed down, we exchanged our professions of love, and he hung up.
And now I just want to stare at a wall.
I’m a girl. I know more than anyone how much feelings don’t have anything to do with reality sometimes. He feels like I threw him away. Nothing could be farther from the truth, but… is that really true? Did I do just that? I just said “not yet”, not “no”. But… isn’t an engagement kind of a promise? Did I refuse to promise him that I’d be with him? I mean, I’ve said I want to be with him, but an engagement is a solid promise, and I wouldn’t give that to him.
I still think I was right. But, maybe… that doesn’t matter.
Yes, he was kicking things. He’d never do that do me. But he’s a boy, he has to let the frustration out somehow, I get it. Besides, he knows I know martial arts and would throw him through a wall if he tried., and then it would be a no. But… I can’t tell him not to express his frustration somehow. It’s okay. I understand that. No, I’m not with an abuser. He’s never even thought of raising a hand to me. But… an innocent pillow? Well… poor pillow, I suppose.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe… maybe I was wrong. And maybe I don’t deserve to be his girlfriend. Or wife.
Love you all!!! ❤️
From the creator:
I know there’s some of you out here that might say “Jack kicked things! He’s violent! It’s only a matter of time before he hurts Lily!”
Bullshit. No it isn’t. He’s a boy. He gets frustrated. Frustrated boys sometimes need to take it out on things. That doesn’t mean he’d ever take it out on Lily. Let me say right now, unequivocally, he wouldn’t. This is the “Voice of God” speaking, and that is a canonical statement. So lay that to rest, right now. I don’t care what your trauma is or how much you might be triggered, that’s the story, deal with it.
Besides, it’s a little out of character for him. This situation pushed him way farther than he’s used to, emotionally.
And as for Lily… maybe she’s right, maybe she’s not. Maybe she’ll change her mind, maybe she won’t. None of that matters. She’s a young woman trying to navigate a complicated situation and feelings that she’s never had to before, and maybe she’s screwing it all up. That’s life. I write humans, not some idealized version of humans. She’s taking responsibility for her decisions, and realizing, maybe for the first time in her life, that her decisions can actually hurt people.
Is Jack justified in being hurt? Doesn’t matter. He is, and now they both have to deal with it.
And no, Jack isn’t trying to manipulate her. She’s been trying to draw this out of him for a while. Lily’s pretty perceptive, some of the time. Gullible as hell, others.