Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Honestly, I don’t know if it’s going to work between me and Jack.  It’s not that I think it won’t, I just genuinely don’t know.

It’s not that we’re not talking, or that we’re being angry with each other, or being snippy, we’re not.  There’s not even too much more distance between us.  But there’s a little, and I don’t see how it’s going to get bridged.  He feels like I threw him away, there’s only one way that I can fix that, and I don’t want to, because, to be honest, that feels a bit like emotional blackmail.  I know.. I know that’s not how he means it, but that’s how it feels.  He’s not asking that of me either, he just seems… resigned.  and I hate that most of all.  He doesn’t even really want to fight for it.  Not that he ever did anyway, not that that would be the most healthy thing, but… he won’t even try, anymore.

And maybe he’s right not to.  I did kind of shut it down, didn’t I?

I didn’t throw him away!!! I didn’t!!! Or at least I didn’t mean to.  I just…  don’t feel like it’s the right time.  I don’t feel like it would be good for us to get engaged right now.  I don’t really know why I feel that way, I just… well.. do.  It’s like we’re so young and barely adults and we’re about to go off to one of the most formative experiences of our lives, and if we are stuck together like that, it might make things a lot more difficult to grow. I don’t mean finding other people and that kind of thing, not at all!  But… I mean, it’s a mindset thing.  We’ll already have our futures locked in, in our minds, and we won’t be able to see all the possibilities ahead of us.  Our minds will be on the future, and being together, and having babies, and…  well, I guess there are choices we’d have to make regardless, right?

But isn’t that what being a couple is about?  Bringing the best out of each other?  Maybe…  no.  I won’t say that, not now.  But there’s a reason I feel like it’s not the best choice… and maybe it says something more about me.  After all, most girls are upset because their men won’t commit.  But… this time, the problem is me.  He wants to commit, and I won’t let him.

That’s the thing…  I don’t blame him.  The problem might be me.  Maybe I should call up Allison’s mother or talk to the pastor or something, because I don’t know what’s going on.

Anyway I did tell him, over and over again, that I didn’t tell him no and I don’t want to tell him no.  He knows that… in his head.  His heart… well.. that’s another story.

I guess I don’t have anything else interesting to talk about.  This is really screwing with my head anyway.  And my heart too, if we’re being honest.

I did ask Dave what he thought.  He wasn’t much help… or maybe he was.  He said he thinks I’m just stringing Jack along… I should either commit or cut him loose, because it’s not going to work well in this limbo state.  Maybe he’s right.  Maybe…

Love you all!!! ❤️