Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Ummm.

Jack proposed last night.

I was, well, not expecting it.

At least he didn’t make a big spectacle out of it, that would be embarrassing.  We just went on a date, and after the date, he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.

I…  didn’t say yes.  But I didn’t say no either.  I said we need to have a very long talk about what that means.

He seemed disappointed, but at least he understood.  Well, he said he did, anyway.

I asked him why now?   He said it was because he loved me and wanted to marry me.  Well, yeah.  When you love someone and want to marry them, generally you’ll propose to them.  But that’s not what I was asking.  Because I have a suspicion as to “why now”.  And after talking for a while, I pried it out of him.

I’m going to Japan, he’s going to Ohio, and he’s afraid we’re going to drift apart.

The thing is, it’s not that I don’t want to marry him.  It’s not.  I’ve been thinking about that for a while, and I hope that someday I do marry him.  I want to marry him and have a nice house and a bunch of little Jack-Lilies running around.  But not for that reason, not out of fear, not out of worry, not out of, well, whatever that is that isn’t, well, pure.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose him, someday, too.  I mean it’ll be a little easier since I can travel to Ohio frequently, but that will take a toll if I do it too often, and it really puts all of the onus on me, doesn’t it?  I mean, he can come to Japan, but it’ll be a significant travel time and cost, and all I have to do is think about it.  There’s an imbalance there.  There’s a lot of things to think about.

We didn’t argue or fight or anything.  We didn’t break up or say hurtful things or anything like that either.  In fact, we shared a kiss before we went our separate ways, and it was the hot, embarrassing kind.  But…  after I got home, I just kind of flopped on my bed.  I thought for a while….  and I cried.

I didn’t cry because I was sad..  I cried because I was frustrated.

Is this what it means to be an adult?

The more I’m an adult…  the more I think I don’t really like it.  The decisions are all mine and I’m just as likely to make a wrong one as a right one… and if I make the wrong one, I get to live with the regret.  For the rest of my life, maybe.

Love you all!!! ❤️