Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So… ummm…. I did go to Japan.  For dinner.   I poked away on Google maps until I found an out of the way place that looked like there wouldn’t be many people, and popped over.  I think someone saw me pop in, but it turns out if you just act like nothing happened, they won’t actually believe their own eyes.  And who could blame them?

You know, that’s actually pretty jarring.  I mean, really jarring.  The angle of the sun changed, it’s morning there when it’s night here, and, well…  you know the word “liminal”?  It kind of felt like that.  Like it wasn’t supposed to be something I was supposed to be doing.  But I found a food stall, bought some okonomiyaki and taiyaki for everyone, and popped back.

And you know… I don’t really want to do that too often.  I actually don’t.  It doesn’t hurt or feel bad or anything, but it’s kind of not emotionally pleasant in a way and I don’t really like it.

And now I have to find a way to tell the girls, too.  I think some are already a little jealous, will this just make it worse?  I just want to be one of the girls.  I don’t want to be a walking shrine or whatever it is I am.  And every time something like this happens, it just sets me apart more.  I wouldn’t blame them if they were jealous or didn’t like me anymore – I might feel the same way if the roles were reversed.

They liked the taiyaki though… so I guess there’s that.

Maybe I’ll just do that next time the girls are over.  “Here, have some taiyaki!” “It’s warm, where did you get it?”  “A little street stall in Osaka”.  “It’s… still warm.”  “Yeah, about that…”

You know…  I’m not usually a depressed girl.  I’m really not.  Crystal can get depressed pretty often, and she deals with it by learning guitar.  But I usually don’t get depressed.  I’m usually pretty happy, and cheerful, and like life.

But right now…

I think I might be depressed.  Or nearly so.  It’s not really fair!!!   All I want, all I ever want, is to have fun and spend time with my friends! but something always happens to make my life all serious and not fun, and… I don’t like it.  In fact, I hate it.  I hate it a lot.

I think I’m going to tell Liz tomorrow.

Or maybe tonight.

Maybe she’ll still be my best friend after. I need a hug.

You know what the worst thing is?  There are so many ways I could abuse this.  I can think of about ten right now without even trying.  But even if I wanted to, I dare not.  And isn’t the only thing worse than not being able to do anything you want, being able to do almost anything you want, and not being allowed?  Not that I want to, really, but still.  I doubt I’d have been given this if I did.

At least if I could take other people with me, I could share it, but I can’t even do that.  I don’t want to be selfish, but I have to be selfish.

Love you all!!! ❤️