Month: July 2024

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I gave Jack my answer today.

It’s “Not yet.”  Or, “Yes, in a few years,” if you want to be a little more positive about it.  It all comes down to the same thing in the end, really.

I didn’t want to tell him no.  I didn’t tell him no.  I have no desire to actually outright reject him, but…  it’s not the right time.  And, well, he seems to know that as well.  He said his parents had a long talk with him, and, well, he thinks it’s not quite the right time either now.

I’m still his girlfriend.  I’m not going to be with anyone else.  And if he asks me at the right time, I’ll say yes, and I’ll say it without reservations.  But… it’s just not the right time.  it’s too much.  It’s not so much that we’re too young, it’s just that when we get married, when we finally get married, I want to actually be able to live with him.  Not get married or even engaged and then head off halfway around the world.  It just feels wrong to do that.

But I’m still sad.  Isn’t this, well, what every girl wants?  And I, well…  I turned it down.  For now, anyway.

Anyway, all us girls are still practicing our dances.  I’m still working with the choreographer and Yuki is helping them do limbering exercises and stuff.  Turns out Beth has a lot of natural grace, but Diana, well, doesn’t.  but Yuki thinks everyone can do it with a little practice.  Rebecca and the others have their tickets now and will be heading to Houston a week before, and, well, it’s going to be quite a spectacle, I guess.  It’s a once-in-a-lifetime kinda thing (for most of us, anyway), and I’d say I got my revenge pretty thoroughly.  They’re still a little, no, a lot, nervous about it.  But too bad!  They started it!!!  haha!!!

And… I have my ticket, along with Emiko and Yuki, to go to Japan.  It’s a one way ticket.  I guess I’m doing this.

The apartment I got in Japan is actually really nice.  I think Yuki and I will make a good life there.  For a while, anyway.  It’s got a nice bathtub, and tatami floors, and everything.  I took pictures and showed them to Yuki and she’s actually really happy with it.  I’ve already signed the lease but it won’t be ready for a little while – I’ll start shuttling stuff over there little by little when I get it.  But as I mentioned, a few things will either have to be shipped or delivered.  Yuki likes the idea of having some nice, fluffy futons, and they are comfortable.

Today…  Sabby told me she’s proud of me.

I think that meant more to me than almost anything else she’s ever told me.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

…  what am I supposed to say?

What am I supposed to do?

I spent a lot of time today talking to a lot of people.  I even talked to Jack’s parents.  I talked to Sabby and Dave…  I even booked a little time with the pastor.

Everyone had advice.  Some of it good, some of it, well, advice…  but at the end of the day, everyone – to a one – said it was ultimately my decision, and no one could make it for me.

They’re right.  They’re very right.  And…

It’s easy to make decisions when you’re deciding simple things.  Deciding to go to school in Japan was a fairly simple thing.  It’s an easy mistake to rectify, if it turns out to be a mistake.  I can just… stop going to school in Japan.  Problem solved.  But Jack isn’t that easy.  Jack’s… another person, and another person I care about.  If I mess this up, well… I’m not the only one who’ll get hurt.  And maybe Jack’s already hurt.  I don’t know if he’d tell me, not really.  Because he cares about me, too.

And now I’m just sitting here, in my room, and the tears are threatening again, and they have been all day.  I don’t even really know why.  Isn’t it supposed to be a happy occasion?  Someone wants to marry me – and he wants to marry me.  Yes, of course his reasons are complicated, but never once have I thought that at least one of the big reasons isn’t that he loves me.  Of course he does.

And that’s what makes it more complicated, because it takes more than love to make something like this work.  That’s something nearly everyone told me today.  Love doesn’t pay the bills.  Love doesn’t keep you fed.  Love may keep you from killing each other when they annoy you, but that’s about all it really does.  It gives you a reason to stay together, but it solves nothing.  And children….  I mean, what would having a child mean, now?  I know we can wait, and probably would even if we were to, but…

I don’t want to say “no”, and I probably won’t.  But I don’t feel like saying “yes” is right either, at least not now.  We get married, and then what?  We head off to different parts of the world and then have to struggle to spend time with each other?  How could we even make it work?  That’s the question.

The question I don’t really have an answer to.

This is the life of an adult, I suppose.  When you’re a teenager the problems are simple.  Go to the mall, or to a big box store?  Get good grades, or sleep in a little, if you’re allowed to?  But there’s no good answer here.  None at all.  No matter what answer I choose, I don’t know if it’s the right one.

And maybe that’s the right answer, in itself.

But that doesn’t make this easier.

I need chocolate.  And Sabby’s chest to cry on.

On the plus side, this was a surprise to Jack’s parents.  They’re going to have a talk with him.  I hope they’re nice about it.  They’ve been good about things, so I think they will.

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Ummm.

Jack proposed last night.

I was, well, not expecting it.

At least he didn’t make a big spectacle out of it, that would be embarrassing.  We just went on a date, and after the date, he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.

I…  didn’t say yes.  But I didn’t say no either.  I said we need to have a very long talk about what that means.

He seemed disappointed, but at least he understood.  Well, he said he did, anyway.

I asked him why now?   He said it was because he loved me and wanted to marry me.  Well, yeah.  When you love someone and want to marry them, generally you’ll propose to them.  But that’s not what I was asking.  Because I have a suspicion as to “why now”.  And after talking for a while, I pried it out of him.

I’m going to Japan, he’s going to Ohio, and he’s afraid we’re going to drift apart.

The thing is, it’s not that I don’t want to marry him.  It’s not.  I’ve been thinking about that for a while, and I hope that someday I do marry him.  I want to marry him and have a nice house and a bunch of little Jack-Lilies running around.  But not for that reason, not out of fear, not out of worry, not out of, well, whatever that is that isn’t, well, pure.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose him, someday, too.  I mean it’ll be a little easier since I can travel to Ohio frequently, but that will take a toll if I do it too often, and it really puts all of the onus on me, doesn’t it?  I mean, he can come to Japan, but it’ll be a significant travel time and cost, and all I have to do is think about it.  There’s an imbalance there.  There’s a lot of things to think about.

We didn’t argue or fight or anything.  We didn’t break up or say hurtful things or anything like that either.  In fact, we shared a kiss before we went our separate ways, and it was the hot, embarrassing kind.  But…  after I got home, I just kind of flopped on my bed.  I thought for a while….  and I cried.

I didn’t cry because I was sad..  I cried because I was frustrated.

Is this what it means to be an adult?

The more I’m an adult…  the more I think I don’t really like it.  The decisions are all mine and I’m just as likely to make a wrong one as a right one… and if I make the wrong one, I get to live with the regret.  For the rest of my life, maybe.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Yeah, ummm… last night was really sad.  I don’t know what happened, but we all kind of piled together, you know, like we do… and then someone started sniffling, and then someone else started sniffling… and it didn’t take long before everyone was sobbing and head-petting and fetal-positioning and…. well… it got ugly for a while.  I don’t even know who started it, it could have been me, but…  I know how it ended.  About twenty minutes of wailing and then we all just passed out.  I’m pretty sure someone was even sobbing a little in their sleep.

Parting is difficult.  We’ve spent the last three years, give or take, together.  We lived through COVID, through Crystal trying (and thankfully failing) to kill herself, a couple of attempted assaults…  and everyone learning how to drive, and getting our first jobs, and going to Japan together, and…  all the stuff that makes us sisters.  I tried to tell everyone that we won’t stop being sisters… and we won’t… but it didn’t make it better.

We love each other.  I mean, we really, truly, love each other.  And no amount of distance will change that.

… is what I’d like to say, but can I say that for sure?  I mean, we’ll talk, and I’ll come visit, but can I say it for sure?

Emiko wants to come with me and Yuki to Japan.  How can we say no?  So she’s going to tag along.  She’ll just come and visit her relatives and go home, but I think she doesn’t want me to have no family when I leave.  Is she family?  Yes… I think she is.  I don’t know if I would have said that two years ago, but I do now.  We don’t see each other a lot, but she’s family.  Imperfect family, but family.  I forgave her a long time ago.

Am I sad?  Not as much as the others… not yet.  But I am.  I’m sad.  I’m very sad.  The life I knew is about to be over, replaced by a life I don’t know… mostly without my sisters.

Dangit… the tears are threatening again.

And it’s worse because it’s my decision that causes that.  I can always come back.  Travel around the world is instantaneous for me.  But I don’t think that’s healthy.  My sisters agree with me.  But… like Kanade said… “That and my frustration are two different things”.

But Crystal does seem to have found other friends with her band, and maybe they understand her a little more than I do.  Beth still has her vocal lessons and band stuff, and she’s kinda making more friends too.  And Diana, well, she’s never been a loner, she just likes hanging around us more than her other friends.  Everyone has friends…  but are they sisters?

I guess that’s why we all cry.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

The girls are over tonight!!!  And… we’re actually a little sad..

Liz and I are leaving in a few weeks.

Liz got accepted to a college in California, and, well, that’s where she’s going now.  And, of course, I’m going to Japan.  And even though I can come back, well…  there’s the time difference and I’ll be busy and I don’t want to travel around the world too much, and… well…  it’s all changing.

It’s ending.  Just like this diary.

I’ve spent the last three years making friends and gaining sisters, and, well…  we’re all going our separate ways.  Well, Liz and I and Jack are, anyway.

I know it’s part of growing up… we all know it’s part of growing up, but…

There’s still this air of sadness permeating the room right now.  They’re trying to keep the mood up, but, well.. it’s kinda not working..

Oh well.  I guess we’ll go to bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well, today was kind of boringly boring.  My revenge is sweet, though.  The girls are panicking a little.  Yuki and I told them everything will be fine, as long as they practice, they’re not being given really complicated stuff.  Basically just prancing or strutting around the stage and winking.

They wanted to make me a minor celebrity?  Well,  hah.  Now they get to share.

Well, to be fair, they didn’t want to, but they did anyway.

Otherwise… it’s hot.  As usual for summer in Texas.  I’ve never visited Tokyo in the winter, but I hear it snows sometimes.  That’ll be neat.  When it snows in Texas everyone starts crashing into each other and the power goes out.  Tokyo seems a little more sane about it.  Sometimes they seem a little more sane about everything, honestly.  But only sometimes.  Beth and I went out and washed the cars today.  And, well…  someone needed to tell Beth what happens when a t-shirt gets wet…. poor Beth.  But worse, poor neighborhood boys.  She ended up changing into a swimsuit tops.  Still poor boys, but at least she wasn’t embarrassed anymore.

I mean, heck, I lost my top once at the waterpark!  All she had was a translucent t-shirt!!!  Could be worse!!   It really is just a body, at the end of the day…                                  

I’ve been thinking.  I’ve been doing this diary for nearly three years now, and it’s coming time to end it.  I think I’m going to end it when I leave for Japan with Yuki at the end of August.

It’s been fun, it really has, and I like doing it and telling you about the antics of me and my friends and family, but all good things must come to an end, and…  maybe it’s time to start the next phase of my life.

So, that leaves about two months.  Maybe I’ll post some reminisces of posts and times I really like.  You know, like when I met Jack, and when I became sisters with all of my, well, sisters…  I’ll leave the diary up and maybe do some stuff to make it prettier and faster and everything… but I think I’m tired of it now.

But you still have about, what, six weeks with me or so?  Don’t worry!  I’ll still be around and Lilying!!!  Just… not here.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well, the tropical storm was a whole lot of nothing.  Didn’t even see any walking trash cans.  But considering how it was in Houston, well, I think a whole lot of nothing is fine.

Emiko doesn’t have power, so I popped over with some food.  They were very appreciative.

See?  I don’t just use it to go to Japan…

But I do use it to go to Japan.  turns out I’m a little talented at dancing.  Or at least more than I thought I was.  I’ll never be a professional dancer, but I can do simple idol dances and I’m already pretty fit and flexible.  I can’t keep up with them right now, but I can hold my own, so that’s cool.  Japanese idol dancing is pretty much just coordinated arm movements anyway, so it all works out.

Dave says the only difference between epilepsy and dancing is the number of people doing it in sync.  That’s not very nice.  Funny…. but not very nice.,  haha!!!

Well, Japanese dancing isn’t like that.  Western pop music… I guess I see his point.

Anyway…  things are quiet today.  I popped over this morning to work with Miki and the choreographer.  It’s pretty good exercise at 4 AM… well, 4 AM my time anyway.

Okay, well…  I’m going to go to bed.  More dance lessons tomorrow.  I’m actually a kind of lucky girl, who else gets taught by professional choreographers at no cost???

When I come back, I show Yuki what I learned and she runs with that and teaches the other girls.  She’s nice like that.

Oh… speaking of Yuki… I’m going to fly with her to Japan.  No, I don’t have to.  But I’m going to anyway.  I want to keep her company.  When I told her that, tears sprung out of her eyes, and I’m not even really sure why.  Aww.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

The set last night was amazing!!!  Crystal’s band wasn’t the only performers but they were one of three, and they were really good!!!  They even pulled a fast one on me and did a rendition of an anime ED I like!  “Happy Happy Friends!”  I didn’t even know they were practicing that one!!!

I clapped hard!!!  Hahaha!!!

Beth even sang it in Japanese!!!

Haha!!!

Beth can’t speak a lick of Japanese, but the diction classes took, and she can sing it phonetically.  And she has almost no accent when singing.  No idea how she pulled that off, but it’s amazing.

But they also did a few of Crystal’s unique songs, and girl’s been busy.  She wrote a song called “If I had a Time Machine”, and…  I gotta say, it’s sad.  I mean, really sad.  And when Beth sings it, you can hear the sorrow and rage and…  a little hope, too.  Beth’s had a privileged life, but she told me afterwards that she just thinks about Crystal’s life when she sings it, and it just kind of comes out.

But she wrote another song called “My sisters saved me”, and it’s kind of the opposite.  It’s a love song.  Whoever said love songs have to be romantic?  It’s a full fledged love song – but it’s to her sisters, like me.

Aww.

Beth is really good, too.  She’s got that clear, sultry voice that just runs over you like butter, and it’s even more jarring when she’s singing hard, angry metal.

There was an after party, and I asked the band members what they thought of Crystal’s music.  They said she’s amazing.  I think they’re right, she really is.  They’re happy playing their instruments and letting Crystal take the lead, because apparently, even though there’s been a few missteps and a little drama, she’s actually a decent leader.  She listens when they tell her she’s out of line, though, so it’s all good.

Maybe she found her calling.

I think I mentioned that Beth stayed in Crystal’s band?  I think I did.  Well, she did.  When we all left, she decided she wanted to keep singing, and it’s good experience for her.  She’s not sure she wants to do that after she starts college, but she’s not sure she doesn’t either.  I’m sure she’ll figure it out.

I hope someday she plays HEB Park or an even bigger place.  I’ll be there.

Anyway, otherwise, it’s been a pretty quiet weekend.  That tropical storm is supposed to track east but there might be a few walking trash bins tomorrow.   It’s supposed to move pretty quickly though so it’ll be out of here by tomorrow night.  the after party ran late so everyone slept in this morning.  We didn’t even go to church.  That’s fine, everyone needs a break sometimes.  I have it on good authority that the Boss doesn’t mind.

I think he’s far more concerned that we do his work than where we do it.

Speaking of which, for the after party last night, it was around midmorning in Japan, so the food stalls were open.  I got us a pile of Japanese food.  I didn’t mind, I’m not making a habit of that kind of thing but it was a special occasion.  I think the proprietor was confused when I kept coming back every ten or twenty minutes for another armload of food.  haha!!!

But as long as I handed over the yen, it was “irasshaimase!” and “arigatou gozaimasu!”  It’s rude to tip in Japan, but I was tempted, that was a lot of food.  It ended up being like one of those anime spreads with fish heads and everything.

Crystal’s bandmates were confused but she said “don’t ask questions, just enjoy the food.”

And, well, they did.

That’s two things I’ve noticed.  People won’t believe their eyes, and if you feed them, that covers a whole lot of questions.

Haha!!!

Anyway…. gotta go.  Got an early morning appointment with Miki and her choreographer again.  Her choreographer is a bit confused but apparently it’s a whole lot easier to get Japanese people to not ask questions.  Though you can tell she’s just burning with curiosity…

Okay!! Bye!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So today Miki had the day off, she she and I spent some time learning new dance steps, and she and I wandered around Tokyo for a bit, too.  I gotta say, this is really convenient.  But then I came back, crashed for a little bit, and then got all the girls together (that live here anyway, and we had the rest on a call) and I showed them how everything works.  They’re excited but a bit nervous.  Crystal even said that if I wanted to get them back, I did a pretty good job.

Hahaha!!!

But no one’s complaining too hard.  They’re actually practicing pretty diligently.  They’ll probably all come down a week early and we’ll practice some more before we go to Houston and spend some time with the choreographer.  I’ve got Miki on speed dial, too, and Yuki’s helping out, so it’s all good.

Usually my life’s weird, but this was my idea!  Haha!! Remember when I talked to the producer when I was in Japan?  I asked him if we could find a way to let all the girls actually perform a little.  He thought it was a good idea, and that it’ll help sell tickets to the matsuri.  More tickets means more eyes!!!  But it’s my job to make sure they’re as ready as they can be.

Tonight Crystal and her band have the grand opening at our new shop (which soft opened a couple of days ago), and they’re really looking forward to it.  I’m going to dress up a bit and go tonight as well.  I want to see how they sound.  It really looks nice!  Sabby kind of leaned into the “grungy live house” look, but also somehow made it look a little classy.  I don’t know how she does it, but I trust her a lot, and that’s why.  She’s not often wrong.  She is sometimes, but usually just about the small stuff.

We’ve got a tropical storm coming in a few days.  Dave says it shouldn’t be too bad, but we went to the store today anyway, just to be sure.  It looks like it’ll track just a bit east.

We sure do get the storms here.  We got a few boomies today, but nothing big.  Dave’s “Texan Tinkerer” friend was telling him how they still haven’t completely cleaned up from the tornado in Temple – his fences are still down and some roofs still are being worked on.  Aww.

Anyway…  guess I’m going to head down to the shop.  Crystal’s set is soon.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I didn’t post yesterday, so you get my post early today!  Lucky you!!!

Yesterday was fun.  Dave grilled, and we went to a park and played frisbee, at least until it got too hot.  The girls didn’t come over because they had their own family plans, so it was just me, Beth, and Yuki.  Still fun.  And we all still love Dave’s grilling.

We went to see a fireworks show later, and Jack came along.  It’s nice sitting there watching the fireworks and holding hands.  We didn’t snuggle much more because it was hot, but it was still nice.  I’d be lying if I said we didn’t steal a kiss or two, but we kept it discreet.

I need to decide my major.  I wonder what it will be.  It can’t really be music, so…  I dunno.  Maybe something involving foreign relations?  Seems like with  my skills I’d be pretty good at it.  Like how Mrs. X joined the military and became, well, whatever she is.

Maybe I’ll study Japanese more intensely and become a translator.  Maybe I can actually do good anime translations.

So many possibilities.. hard to choose just one.

Anyway…  I got some more dance moves to share with Yuki so we can teach everyone else.  Yuki’s here so I’m going to do that now.

Love you all!!! ❤️