This diary entry is part 20 of 28 in Lily's diary dated 31 - January 2024

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

And… ummm…

So…  the Anathema drama isn’t quite done.  She came over today to talk to me.  I had to leave for class and she needed to get ready for work, but… she wanted to talk to me.  So…  I made some time.

She wanted to know why I was so upset at the pastor.

So… I told her.  How he took advantage of me, and tricked me into going up on stage…  and how something took over and, well.. how unhappy I was with what he had done.

She thought for a bit.

“I…  see why you’d be upset,” she said.  “And he did do something similar to me.  I see why you would think he was being insensitive.  He, well… I guess he was, in a way.  You’re not wrong…”

She thought for a bit.

“But you’re kinda being selfish, aren’t you?”

Oh, that did it.  I just about went all Claire Huxtable on her.  But…  I said “just about”.

“What do you mean?”, I said.  “And you’d better make this count, because them’s fighting words.”  I don’t remember where I learned that turn of phrase.  Dave, maybe?

I guess the truth of what I said was obvious, because she gulped.  “Well,” she said, “You’re a ‘walking shrine’, or an ‘ark’, or something.  Sometimes someone, someone with apparently great power, at the very least the power to change lives with a word, talks and acts through you.  Do you know anyone else who has these abilities?”

I shook my head slowly.  “No,” I said, not liking where this was going.  “As far as I know, I’m the only one in the world.”

She sighed.  “I understand you not wanting the attention.  And you’re right to protect yourself.  I mean, if anyone knows what it’s like to get unwanted attention and have to protect yourself…  I’ve got a very, very gorgeous sergeant in the military who comes over every night after work to sweep my apartment, and… “, she got a dreamy look in her eyes.  “Where was I… oh.  Anyway, I know what that feels like.  But you’ve gone beyond protecting yourself… you’re actively withholding your abilities  You can change peoples’ lives.  Something… someone… has chosen you, given you a gift…  and you’re squandering it.  Because you don’t want to share it.”

I sighed and leaned back.  This girl was about to give me a headache.  Or a stroke.

“let me ask you this – if someone else, not the pastor, came over and asked you to do something to help them, what would you do?”

“I’d…. I’d…” I shrank.  “I’d slam the door in their face.”

“You’d…. slam the door in their face.”

I nodded.

She stood up.

“Selfish,” she said, softly, and rubbed my head.  “I can’t say I wouldn’t feel the same in your position.  But…  your abilities…  they don’t belong to you.  And you don’t have the right to hold them back like you’re doing.  You’re…  throwing something beautiful away.”  She blinked a few times.  “And I know what throwing something beautiful away, is.”

She kissed my forehead.

“Think about it, lil sis.”

And she left.

Lil sis.

Lil…  sis…


Oh my god.

I went upstairs, and I took out the Lycoris Radiata – you know, the one I found on my chest one night.  And I looked at it, I mean, really looked at it.  It was still warm, it was still kind of comforting, it still shone with an unexplainable inner light.


That word reverberated through my head all day, through class, through dinner, through everything.  Selfish.

It’s still reverberating now.  And the Lycoris Radiata is sitting on my shelf, both comforting me and silently judging me.

Well…  I guess I can’t be too mad at her.  I mean, well… I started it.

Liz is over tonight.  I’m not sure I’m very good company.  But we’re having an okay time anyway.  Yuki’s coming over tomorrow to plan our trip.  I guess she has some stuff to talk to me about.

Love you all!!! ❤️

I guess.  Not like I’m showing it.

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