This diary entry is part 1 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 06 - December 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m just a girl.  A semi-normal, half-Japanese, mostly bubbly and cheerful and happy girl.  I don’t worry about things like politics and the stock market and taking the kids to school and all the kinds of things that people older than me deal with.  How am I supposed to deal with all of this?  It feels like every time I’ve recovered from one thing, another hits me. Just one thing after another after another.  How am I supposed to bear it?

It’s hard.  It’s really hard.  And it’s a different kind of hard.  With Jack, it was an easy kind of hard.  I fell in love and had to leave him.  Incredible joy and a waterfall of tears.  But this is more… subtle.  It just is.  I have a birth mother.  She hurt me in ways I didn’t even know, and yet, she cared enough to keep me.  Why?  Why did she only care just that much?  I guess it’s something I have to ask her.

I gave Sabby her chocolate shake.  She accepted it and thanked me.  Otherwise, she didn’t talk to me last night.  We went to bed, and I didn’t sleep very well.  I hated the fact that I hurt her so badly.  I didn’t mean to.  Of course I know that she lost her parents, and of course I know it affected her deeply.  But sometimes you don’t think of those things!  Sometimes you just get blinded by your own hurt and that’s the only thing that exists.  And you realize too late that someone else has feelings too, and you just stepped on them.  But this morning she did talk to me.  She told me that I hurt her, and she was wrong.

She told me she was wrong because even though I said something insensitive, she shouldn’t have reacted so harshly.

I said she was right to.  She said, no, she wasn’t.  She said it was understandable, but that’s a different thing from being right.Her feelings towards her parents are her problem, not mine.

Well, maybe.  I still hurt her.

Anyway, we hugged it out, and i’m still sad about it.  She was supposed to be my rock, and I find out she’s just as fragile as I am!

I’m just sad.  Just… just so sad.  I had to leave Jack and then I found out my birth mother abandoned me and… and…  and I can’t handle it.  I don’t even have any tears left.  Sabby tells me she thinks I’m depressed.  I’ve never been depressed before.  She might be right.  My birth mother abandoned me!  She didn’t want me!  How am I supposed to not be depressed??  I was prepared for a lot.  But not that.  I was never prepared for that.

I think I’m going to go stare at a wall now.

Love you all…  ❤️

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