Category: Diary

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well, it was a day, I suppose.

Jack and I did go out.  Then we talked.  A lot.  There are some times when we go out that we can’t really keep our hands off each other, but tonight wasn’t one of those nights.  We just talked.

We talked about the present, and more importantly, the future.  It’s kind of cliche to say we talked about our “hopes and dreams”, and we only kind of did.  It’s more that we talked about our hopes and dreams together.  Like, what did we want to get out of our relationship other than just finding some comfort in each other?

It turns out that… we really don’t know.  We know that we do love each other and do want each other and all that fun stuff, but at the end of the day, neither of us could say exactly what we wanted out of all of this.

And maybe that’s okay.  Maybe it’s normal.  Maybe a couple sometimes throws themselves into the deep end of a relationship and then swims out.  I guess that takes about seven years, and as often ends in divorce as not.

I do love the time we spend time together – especially that time when we do some of the things that, well, adults do.  You know, clothes on the floor and all that.  (we don’t do everything but almost).  And it’s nice when we go on dates and spend time together.  And I love spending time with Grace (she’s getting big now!) and his family (and Lily the dog too).  I love all of it.  But what do we want?

Neither of us could answer.

And, well…  Maybe that’s a question we should answer before I say yes.

He seems to understand all this.  It’s not like he’s upset at me or anything.  He’s disappointed, but he seems to think – or at least understand – that he’s being a bit selfish.  There’s nothing wrong with selfish, but the stakes are really high on this one.

Okay… in other news.

Crystal wrote me a piano piece.

I didn’t really think she had that in her.  I really didn’t.  She’s pretty good at songwriting when it comes to the rocky kinds of music.  But she really, well…  went on a whole other level.  And it’s good, too.  Not Mozart good, but I certainly wouldn’t mind performing it.  She’s got this innate understanding of harmony that I wish I had.  I mean, I’m a good piano player and I understand what I’m playing, but she just seems to know how chords fit together and how to voice the piece that’s on a whole other level.  And she doesn’t even really know the repertoire – she’s doing it pretty much based on sound, and the few lessons she took.  I did have to give her feedback on a few chords that are pretty much impossible to play (you can make chords that require some real hand contortions), but she fixed those pretty easily.

She’s an amazing girl.  She really is.  I wish she could see that, the way the rest of us do.  She’s amazing.  All that stuff she went through, and it turns out, well, she has all this talent and feeling inside of her, and it’s just been itching to get out.

Her parents are… well, they’re supporting her, but they seem sad.  It’s like they’re beating themselves up for not noticing.  Maybe they should, but, well… they’re not really bad parents.  At least they’re well intentioned.

I ear Allison is taking up saxophone too.  Yay Allison!!  I haven’t seen her much lately, I guess her family’s having some medical issues or something.  But it seems to be getting better.  They’ve had their share of problems over the past few years, unfortunately.

Anyway…  other than church today, which was mostly uneventful, not much going on.  Maybe some storms tomorrow.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So I got news today!  We’re going to be doing a handshake event in Houston!!! Me and all the girls!!!

Haha!!!

I don’t mind, but a couple of the girls are freaking out a bit.  They don’t know how to idol!!!  But I told them it’s okay, Yuki and Miki will teach them.  It’s pretty much just about letting them clasp your hand, smiling, and telling them it’s nice to see them until they get herded out.  And they get to sign merch and stuff, too.

I have a feeling Crystal’s just going to be all tsundere, but I think that’s fine, as long as she’s consistent about it.

I have no sympathy at all.  They played a prank on me in a Japanese train.  It’s good for them, anyway.

Otherwise, it was a pretty quiet day.  No storms or anything, a little hot but not excessively so, particularly for the middle of July, and we might get storms in a couple of days.  This is unusual for July, but hey.  I guess we’ll have our drought next month, or something.

Well, I don’t have a lot to say right now, I guess.  I have a date with Jack tomorrow night.  We’re going to talk about a lot of stuff.  I hope it turns out alright.  It usually does, though.  He’s not a bad guy at all.  Men have feelings too.  Sabby told me that’s the most important thing to remember, and they’re not always the same feelings I have.  As long as I remember that, it should turn out alright.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I asked Sabby today why she thinks her marriage lasted as long as it has.

She didn’t even hesitate.  “Because we came into our marriage already fully formed,” she said, looking a little wistful.   “Some couples meet as children or teenagers or even young adults and grow together… and sometimes they can even survive and have a happy marriage, but it’s just so much trouble to try to grow up into your own people while still, well, not being your own person.  I mean.. if you change like this, will he leave you?  If you want to do that, will he be mad at you?”  She looked pensive.  “Dave and I met young, and in some ways he and I grew up together, but…  we didn’t marry too soon.  I had a lot of growing up to do…  and so did he, but in a different way.”

“What way did he have to grow up?”

“He had to learn to accept me.”  She looked sad.  “I mean, I had a past.  He… didn’t trust me for a very long time.”  She sighed, like she was deflating.  “I don’t blame him.  I didn’t trust me, either.”

“But… you made it work, right?”

“Well, duh,” she said, a little of the Sabby spitfire I know in her voice.  “We’re still married, aren’t we?  But… it wasn’t always easy.  The only thing we had sometimes was the promise we made to each other.  That meant something to both of us.  We made it work.  We… waited until we could keep our promises.”  She looked sad.  “Or… when we could believe the other person would keep theirs.”  She looked uncharacteristically vulnerable.  “I knew he could keep his.  But he… well…”

I remembered the very first piece of advice Jack and I got, back when I took that fateful trip to Orlando with Liz’s family.  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”

If I were to say yes to Jack right now, could I keep the promise?  Well, probably.  I mean, I don’t have any reason to think I couldn’t, right?  We’ve been together for nearly, what, three years now?  I love him.  But…  is that a promise we can’t keep?

I don’t think either of us know, not really.  And until we’re sure, or at least a little sure…

Anyway, what’s done is done.  For now, anyway.  He’s not upset.  He’s a little disappointed and sad.  I can tell.  I know that a part of his reason was that he was afraid.. but that wasn’t the whole reason.  I think he really does want to make me his, to make a family with me…  and I understand.  Family is important.  But a family that will last is even more important.

Diana’s parents aren’t together.  She lives with her mother.  She, well… the scars are still there.

But, Crystal’s parents are still together, and she has a lot of scars too.

Life is complicated, isn’t it?

Miki’s choreographer is happy with my progress, but she wants to see videos of the other girls.  I’ll try to get everyone (that I can) together this weekend.  The aidols are making occasional trips to Tokyo too to work with me and the choreographer.  They seem really excited.  And sometimes we get ramen after.  They’re in college now so it’s a bit harder, finding time for everyone.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I gave Jack my answer today.

It’s “Not yet.”  Or, “Yes, in a few years,” if you want to be a little more positive about it.  It all comes down to the same thing in the end, really.

I didn’t want to tell him no.  I didn’t tell him no.  I have no desire to actually outright reject him, but…  it’s not the right time.  And, well, he seems to know that as well.  He said his parents had a long talk with him, and, well, he thinks it’s not quite the right time either now.

I’m still his girlfriend.  I’m not going to be with anyone else.  And if he asks me at the right time, I’ll say yes, and I’ll say it without reservations.  But… it’s just not the right time.  it’s too much.  It’s not so much that we’re too young, it’s just that when we get married, when we finally get married, I want to actually be able to live with him.  Not get married or even engaged and then head off halfway around the world.  It just feels wrong to do that.

But I’m still sad.  Isn’t this, well, what every girl wants?  And I, well…  I turned it down.  For now, anyway.

Anyway, all us girls are still practicing our dances.  I’m still working with the choreographer and Yuki is helping them do limbering exercises and stuff.  Turns out Beth has a lot of natural grace, but Diana, well, doesn’t.  but Yuki thinks everyone can do it with a little practice.  Rebecca and the others have their tickets now and will be heading to Houston a week before, and, well, it’s going to be quite a spectacle, I guess.  It’s a once-in-a-lifetime kinda thing (for most of us, anyway), and I’d say I got my revenge pretty thoroughly.  They’re still a little, no, a lot, nervous about it.  But too bad!  They started it!!!  haha!!!

And… I have my ticket, along with Emiko and Yuki, to go to Japan.  It’s a one way ticket.  I guess I’m doing this.

The apartment I got in Japan is actually really nice.  I think Yuki and I will make a good life there.  For a while, anyway.  It’s got a nice bathtub, and tatami floors, and everything.  I took pictures and showed them to Yuki and she’s actually really happy with it.  I’ve already signed the lease but it won’t be ready for a little while – I’ll start shuttling stuff over there little by little when I get it.  But as I mentioned, a few things will either have to be shipped or delivered.  Yuki likes the idea of having some nice, fluffy futons, and they are comfortable.

Today…  Sabby told me she’s proud of me.

I think that meant more to me than almost anything else she’s ever told me.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

…  what am I supposed to say?

What am I supposed to do?

I spent a lot of time today talking to a lot of people.  I even talked to Jack’s parents.  I talked to Sabby and Dave…  I even booked a little time with the pastor.

Everyone had advice.  Some of it good, some of it, well, advice…  but at the end of the day, everyone – to a one – said it was ultimately my decision, and no one could make it for me.

They’re right.  They’re very right.  And…

It’s easy to make decisions when you’re deciding simple things.  Deciding to go to school in Japan was a fairly simple thing.  It’s an easy mistake to rectify, if it turns out to be a mistake.  I can just… stop going to school in Japan.  Problem solved.  But Jack isn’t that easy.  Jack’s… another person, and another person I care about.  If I mess this up, well… I’m not the only one who’ll get hurt.  And maybe Jack’s already hurt.  I don’t know if he’d tell me, not really.  Because he cares about me, too.

And now I’m just sitting here, in my room, and the tears are threatening again, and they have been all day.  I don’t even really know why.  Isn’t it supposed to be a happy occasion?  Someone wants to marry me – and he wants to marry me.  Yes, of course his reasons are complicated, but never once have I thought that at least one of the big reasons isn’t that he loves me.  Of course he does.

And that’s what makes it more complicated, because it takes more than love to make something like this work.  That’s something nearly everyone told me today.  Love doesn’t pay the bills.  Love doesn’t keep you fed.  Love may keep you from killing each other when they annoy you, but that’s about all it really does.  It gives you a reason to stay together, but it solves nothing.  And children….  I mean, what would having a child mean, now?  I know we can wait, and probably would even if we were to, but…

I don’t want to say “no”, and I probably won’t.  But I don’t feel like saying “yes” is right either, at least not now.  We get married, and then what?  We head off to different parts of the world and then have to struggle to spend time with each other?  How could we even make it work?  That’s the question.

The question I don’t really have an answer to.

This is the life of an adult, I suppose.  When you’re a teenager the problems are simple.  Go to the mall, or to a big box store?  Get good grades, or sleep in a little, if you’re allowed to?  But there’s no good answer here.  None at all.  No matter what answer I choose, I don’t know if it’s the right one.

And maybe that’s the right answer, in itself.

But that doesn’t make this easier.

I need chocolate.  And Sabby’s chest to cry on.

On the plus side, this was a surprise to Jack’s parents.  They’re going to have a talk with him.  I hope they’re nice about it.  They’ve been good about things, so I think they will.

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Ummm.

Jack proposed last night.

I was, well, not expecting it.

At least he didn’t make a big spectacle out of it, that would be embarrassing.  We just went on a date, and after the date, he pulled out a ring and asked me to marry him.

I…  didn’t say yes.  But I didn’t say no either.  I said we need to have a very long talk about what that means.

He seemed disappointed, but at least he understood.  Well, he said he did, anyway.

I asked him why now?   He said it was because he loved me and wanted to marry me.  Well, yeah.  When you love someone and want to marry them, generally you’ll propose to them.  But that’s not what I was asking.  Because I have a suspicion as to “why now”.  And after talking for a while, I pried it out of him.

I’m going to Japan, he’s going to Ohio, and he’s afraid we’re going to drift apart.

The thing is, it’s not that I don’t want to marry him.  It’s not.  I’ve been thinking about that for a while, and I hope that someday I do marry him.  I want to marry him and have a nice house and a bunch of little Jack-Lilies running around.  But not for that reason, not out of fear, not out of worry, not out of, well, whatever that is that isn’t, well, pure.

I’m afraid I’m going to lose him, someday, too.  I mean it’ll be a little easier since I can travel to Ohio frequently, but that will take a toll if I do it too often, and it really puts all of the onus on me, doesn’t it?  I mean, he can come to Japan, but it’ll be a significant travel time and cost, and all I have to do is think about it.  There’s an imbalance there.  There’s a lot of things to think about.

We didn’t argue or fight or anything.  We didn’t break up or say hurtful things or anything like that either.  In fact, we shared a kiss before we went our separate ways, and it was the hot, embarrassing kind.  But…  after I got home, I just kind of flopped on my bed.  I thought for a while….  and I cried.

I didn’t cry because I was sad..  I cried because I was frustrated.

Is this what it means to be an adult?

The more I’m an adult…  the more I think I don’t really like it.  The decisions are all mine and I’m just as likely to make a wrong one as a right one… and if I make the wrong one, I get to live with the regret.  For the rest of my life, maybe.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Yeah, ummm… last night was really sad.  I don’t know what happened, but we all kind of piled together, you know, like we do… and then someone started sniffling, and then someone else started sniffling… and it didn’t take long before everyone was sobbing and head-petting and fetal-positioning and…. well… it got ugly for a while.  I don’t even know who started it, it could have been me, but…  I know how it ended.  About twenty minutes of wailing and then we all just passed out.  I’m pretty sure someone was even sobbing a little in their sleep.

Parting is difficult.  We’ve spent the last three years, give or take, together.  We lived through COVID, through Crystal trying (and thankfully failing) to kill herself, a couple of attempted assaults…  and everyone learning how to drive, and getting our first jobs, and going to Japan together, and…  all the stuff that makes us sisters.  I tried to tell everyone that we won’t stop being sisters… and we won’t… but it didn’t make it better.

We love each other.  I mean, we really, truly, love each other.  And no amount of distance will change that.

… is what I’d like to say, but can I say that for sure?  I mean, we’ll talk, and I’ll come visit, but can I say it for sure?

Emiko wants to come with me and Yuki to Japan.  How can we say no?  So she’s going to tag along.  She’ll just come and visit her relatives and go home, but I think she doesn’t want me to have no family when I leave.  Is she family?  Yes… I think she is.  I don’t know if I would have said that two years ago, but I do now.  We don’t see each other a lot, but she’s family.  Imperfect family, but family.  I forgave her a long time ago.

Am I sad?  Not as much as the others… not yet.  But I am.  I’m sad.  I’m very sad.  The life I knew is about to be over, replaced by a life I don’t know… mostly without my sisters.

Dangit… the tears are threatening again.

And it’s worse because it’s my decision that causes that.  I can always come back.  Travel around the world is instantaneous for me.  But I don’t think that’s healthy.  My sisters agree with me.  But… like Kanade said… “That and my frustration are two different things”.

But Crystal does seem to have found other friends with her band, and maybe they understand her a little more than I do.  Beth still has her vocal lessons and band stuff, and she’s kinda making more friends too.  And Diana, well, she’s never been a loner, she just likes hanging around us more than her other friends.  Everyone has friends…  but are they sisters?

I guess that’s why we all cry.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

The girls are over tonight!!!  And… we’re actually a little sad..

Liz and I are leaving in a few weeks.

Liz got accepted to a college in California, and, well, that’s where she’s going now.  And, of course, I’m going to Japan.  And even though I can come back, well…  there’s the time difference and I’ll be busy and I don’t want to travel around the world too much, and… well…  it’s all changing.

It’s ending.  Just like this diary.

I’ve spent the last three years making friends and gaining sisters, and, well…  we’re all going our separate ways.  Well, Liz and I and Jack are, anyway.

I know it’s part of growing up… we all know it’s part of growing up, but…

There’s still this air of sadness permeating the room right now.  They’re trying to keep the mood up, but, well.. it’s kinda not working..

Oh well.  I guess we’ll go to bed.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well, today was kind of boringly boring.  My revenge is sweet, though.  The girls are panicking a little.  Yuki and I told them everything will be fine, as long as they practice, they’re not being given really complicated stuff.  Basically just prancing or strutting around the stage and winking.

They wanted to make me a minor celebrity?  Well,  hah.  Now they get to share.

Well, to be fair, they didn’t want to, but they did anyway.

Otherwise… it’s hot.  As usual for summer in Texas.  I’ve never visited Tokyo in the winter, but I hear it snows sometimes.  That’ll be neat.  When it snows in Texas everyone starts crashing into each other and the power goes out.  Tokyo seems a little more sane about it.  Sometimes they seem a little more sane about everything, honestly.  But only sometimes.  Beth and I went out and washed the cars today.  And, well…  someone needed to tell Beth what happens when a t-shirt gets wet…. poor Beth.  But worse, poor neighborhood boys.  She ended up changing into a swimsuit tops.  Still poor boys, but at least she wasn’t embarrassed anymore.

I mean, heck, I lost my top once at the waterpark!  All she had was a translucent t-shirt!!!  Could be worse!!   It really is just a body, at the end of the day…                                  

I’ve been thinking.  I’ve been doing this diary for nearly three years now, and it’s coming time to end it.  I think I’m going to end it when I leave for Japan with Yuki at the end of August.

It’s been fun, it really has, and I like doing it and telling you about the antics of me and my friends and family, but all good things must come to an end, and…  maybe it’s time to start the next phase of my life.

So, that leaves about two months.  Maybe I’ll post some reminisces of posts and times I really like.  You know, like when I met Jack, and when I became sisters with all of my, well, sisters…  I’ll leave the diary up and maybe do some stuff to make it prettier and faster and everything… but I think I’m tired of it now.

But you still have about, what, six weeks with me or so?  Don’t worry!  I’ll still be around and Lilying!!!  Just… not here.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well, the tropical storm was a whole lot of nothing.  Didn’t even see any walking trash cans.  But considering how it was in Houston, well, I think a whole lot of nothing is fine.

Emiko doesn’t have power, so I popped over with some food.  They were very appreciative.

See?  I don’t just use it to go to Japan…

But I do use it to go to Japan.  turns out I’m a little talented at dancing.  Or at least more than I thought I was.  I’ll never be a professional dancer, but I can do simple idol dances and I’m already pretty fit and flexible.  I can’t keep up with them right now, but I can hold my own, so that’s cool.  Japanese idol dancing is pretty much just coordinated arm movements anyway, so it all works out.

Dave says the only difference between epilepsy and dancing is the number of people doing it in sync.  That’s not very nice.  Funny…. but not very nice.,  haha!!!

Well, Japanese dancing isn’t like that.  Western pop music… I guess I see his point.

Anyway…  things are quiet today.  I popped over this morning to work with Miki and the choreographer.  It’s pretty good exercise at 4 AM… well, 4 AM my time anyway.

Okay, well…  I’m going to go to bed.  More dance lessons tomorrow.  I’m actually a kind of lucky girl, who else gets taught by professional choreographers at no cost???

When I come back, I show Yuki what I learned and she runs with that and teaches the other girls.  She’s nice like that.

Oh… speaking of Yuki… I’m going to fly with her to Japan.  No, I don’t have to.  But I’m going to anyway.  I want to keep her company.  When I told her that, tears sprung out of her eyes, and I’m not even really sure why.  Aww.

Love you all!!!