This diary entry is part 16 of 29 in Lily's diary dated 10 - April 2022

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I know I’m usually a happy, cheerful girl, but I’m kind of not happy and cheerful right now.  Yeah, I know.  I haven’t been happy and cheerful all week.  Ever since I had that “dream”.

I realized today that I’ve had very little control over anything in my life.  I know, I know, I’m a teenager and teenagers usually don’t have control over a whole lot, but it seems worse for me somehow.  I only remember after I was found, and I’ve had almost no control over anything.  I didn’t have control over where I was found, who I was sent to, what school I went to – nothing.  Sure, Sabby asked me if I minded being adopted, but maybe they would have anyway.  That wouldn’t have been my choice either.  I didn’t even kind of have a choice about Jack – I mean, yes, I could have said no, but everything about me wanted him so badly that there was no way I could have said any more no than I did, even if I had wanted to, which I didn’t.

I didn’t (as far as I know) have control over whether I lost my memories, and now I don’t even get control over whether they stay lost.

I just feel like I’m bouncing around from one thing in life to another with no way to change course until I hit something.

What do I get to say “no” to?  What do I get to say “yes” to?

I guess more than I think, but not a whole lot.

I just…  sigh.

I wish Jack were here.  I just want to feel something.

Love you all!!! ❤

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