Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!
I know I’m usually a happy, cheerful girl, but I’m kind of not happy and cheerful right now. Yeah, I know. I haven’t been happy and cheerful all week. Ever since I had that “dream”.
I realized today that I’ve had very little control over anything in my life. I know, I know, I’m a teenager and teenagers usually don’t have control over a whole lot, but it seems worse for me somehow. I only remember after I was found, and I’ve had almost no control over anything. I didn’t have control over where I was found, who I was sent to, what school I went to – nothing. Sure, Sabby asked me if I minded being adopted, but maybe they would have anyway. That wouldn’t have been my choice either. I didn’t even kind of have a choice about Jack – I mean, yes, I could have said no, but everything about me wanted him so badly that there was no way I could have said any more no than I did, even if I had wanted to, which I didn’t.
I didn’t (as far as I know) have control over whether I lost my memories, and now I don’t even get control over whether they stay lost.
I just feel like I’m bouncing around from one thing in life to another with no way to change course until I hit something.
What do I get to say “no” to? What do I get to say “yes” to?
I guess more than I think, but not a whole lot.
I just… sigh.
I wish Jack were here. I just want to feel something.