Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!
Ummm. I didn’t write last night. I don’t want to write now. But here I am. I guess it’s important to write even when I don’t feel like it.
You know how usually the girls come over on the weekend and we have fun and play games and make a girl pile? Well, not last night. I didn’t feel like it. Crystal and Diana did come over to spend some time with Beth, but I just kind of stayed in my room. I wasn’t really hungry but I guess I ate something, then I went into my room and, I dunno, played on my tablet and stared at the wall.
I didn’t invite Liz, but she came over anyway. Damn her. She came to my room and just kind of sat with me. She’d try to talk but I didn’t want to talk. What was I going to say? I might get my memories back after all and I don’t want to?
Liz is… not a cuddly girl. I don’t know if it’s her culture or how she was raised or her personality, but she has to work to be cuddly. But last night she… she told me to get into my pajamas and she crawled in with me and… just snuggled up to me. Kind of like a nice-smelling dog (I’m not saying she’s a dog, but.. you know what I mean).
And I just started crying.
I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to. Liz isn’t the kind of girl you cry in front of. But… but just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tightly to me and just sobbed. And… she didn’t say anything. She didn’t try to make it better, she didn’t try to soothe me, she… she was just there. She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair and… and just let me cry.
And sometimes that’s all you need, is for someone to be there.
I love Liz so much.
But that’s why I don’t want my memories to come back! I have a family now that loves me and I love them! I have a best friend who will cuddle up to me and let me ugly cry! I have a sister and a brother and other sisters and my life is good! I hate that I might find out that my life wasn’t all that good! And… and will I be able to keep them? Will my memories coming back mean that I’ll remember things that might get in the way of what I have with them???
I don’t WANT it!!!
Easter is tomorrow. Sabby told me that it’s supposed to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus. It’s one of the holy days that she celebrates. And… and I’m glad I have to work tomorrow. Because I know she’d make me go to church, and quite honestly, I’m not in much of a mood to deal with that right now.
After I got home from work today Sabby came up to my room and we talked. A lot. She had me snuggle up to her and stroked my hair, and told me that no matter what I learn, no matter what I remember, no matter what, I’m still and will always be her daughter.
I cried again. Life’s not fair. But sometimes all you need is someone who wants to help make it fair. Right?
I love Sabby so much.
I’m not quite as depressed tonight, but I’m still depressed. I guess I’ll get over it. Until the next revelation.
No one’s coming over tonight, but Beth is making a mini-pile with me. We don’t do that often but sometimes one of us just doesn’t want to be alone. I love her so much.