This diary entry is part 25 of 27 in Lily's diary dated 08 - February 2022

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

No, the Emiko doesn’t strike back, but I couldn’t resist a Star Wars themed thingy!  I watched Star Wars with the family a long time ago, before I was adopted, in a galaxy far, far away.  I didn’t really understand it, but it was fun!  I still really don’t understand sci-fi, though I do like it.  I’ve never actually seen Star Trek, can you believe it?  I’ve heard a lot about it, and Kirk and Picard were kind of cute in their own way, but I’ve never actually seen it!  I should watch it!

Kirk seems like the kind of guy who’d push you up against a wall, and…  well…  you know.  Picard seems like the kind of guy who would offer you a cup of tea, talk about Shakespeare, and then light a candle and put on classical music and… well… you know.  Ends up the same in the end, I guess.  With well… you know,  eating cookies.  😁  I bet Picard would make a mean cookie.  And you know I like chocolate!!!

What did you think I was going to say?  You silly billies!  (were you right?  I’ll never tell.  HAHAHHAHHA)

I guess I’m in a mood.

Emiko and her family came over today, from Houston.  Her husband is still a little reserved, but he wasn’t as standoffish as usual, and Sabby held up to her end of the deal and had cookies.  Aika and Mika came over too, and David is still just as besotted.  They…  weren’t.  But at least he’s learned his lesson from the Allison debacle and was nice to them, so they’re at least getting along.  After dinner the four of them – Beth, David, Aika, and Mika went into the dining room and played games.  I would have joined them but I was the reason Emiko came over, so we, the adults (and near adults) sat and chatted for a while.

I don’t understand Emiko, I really don’t.  She’s an American citizen now, having married an American citizen, but she still has that Japanese sensibility about her that’s difficult for us to understand.  She’s a little hard on her kids, always wanting them to succeed, but she seems to care deeply about them as well.  What would it have been like if she’d kept me?  Would I resent her?  Or would I love her?  I don’t know.  I I guess it’s a moot point, but I do think about how things could have been… how they should have been.

She said that she’s planning on going to Japan in the summer for two weeks and wants me to come along.  I said I should have my passport by then.  She seems a little hurt that my legal name is Lily and not Yuriko, but that’s just what happens when you get adopted, especially not knowing your previous name.  She doesn’t say anything, but it’s on her face.

If she wanted me to keep the name she gave me, she could have kept me.

I’m not bitter.  I’m really not.  I said I forgave her, and I do.  I understand that she did the best she could under difficult circumstances.  Do the mothers in Ukraine have to make difficult choices right now?  I guess it’s kind of the same thing, for different reasons.  And at least she birthed me.  But even if you forgive someone, you still have to live with the things they did.  Just like she also has to live with the things she did.

But I still wonder sometimes.  Would I have my memory if she’d kept me?

I don’t know.  It makes me sad to think about.

They left a few minutes ago.  I gave her a hug.  She’s Japanese, so not a big hugger, but she hugged me back.  Hard.  And every time she does, there are tears in her eyes.  I guess I understand that.  I’m not the only one who has to bear the weight of her decisions.

Oh well!  Life goes on!  What do you think?  Kirk or Picard?  Who makes the best cookies???

Love you all!!! ❤

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