This diary entry is part 16 of 29 in Lily's diary dated 07 - January 2022

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So this morning we checked out of the hotel and came home.  I didn’t spend any time in the pool.  I love the pool!  But we were there on business, kind of.  And we had to get home so I could do school.  We didn’t talk much in the car, though.  She drove and I just kind of dozed.

But my heart wasn’t in school today.

It was an okay time last night.  I cleared the air with Bill, and Emiko showed me how to wear kimono.  Aika and Mika were nice, and everyone was as nice as I could expect.

But can a girl have too much family?  Is Emiko even my family?  I mean, she’s my birth mother, and she’s trying, but is she even mine anymore?  Am I even hers?

Anyway, after school I had more driving, and this time she took me to a course and we practiced parallel parking (who even does that anymore?) and regular parking and obstacle avoidance and all that kind of thing.  It was a bit more exhausting than freeway driving, but I guess I need to know it.  She says I’m doing really well.

After I got home, I found out Sabby had made cookies.  But this time only a tray.  They were still warm and gooey from the oven, and she sat me down and gave me a couple with some chocolate milk.

“Are you okay?,” she asked.


“Last night seemed hard.”

“It was.”

“You don’t have to…”, she said, the last words left unsaid.

I frowned.  “She’s trying,” I said.  “And I wanted to know.”  I took a bite of the cookie.  It was very good.  And made a bit of a mess on my fingers.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” she said softly.

“Bit late for that, don’t you think?,” I said, with just a touch of bitterness.  “That ship sailed sixteen years ago.”

She was quiet.  “What are you going to do?”

I shrugged.  “Get over it, I guess.  Nothing to be done now.  And I don’t want to lose touch with my only link…  to who I am.”

She sighed.  “I’m here if you need me.”


“Yes, Lily?”

I lowered my head.  “Who am I?”

She lifted my chin with her finger.  “My daughter.”

I lowered my head again, and the tears started to flow.

“Oh Lily,” she said, softly.

“I love you,” I said, “But I wish I could love Emiko too.”

“Maybe you will, in time,” she said.  “But don’t push it.  Just get to know her.”

“I don’t even know why I’m crying,” I said.

“You don’t have to,” she said.  “Just get it out.”

I think…  I think sometimes I think about what might have been, and maybe I’d have my memory and everything would be perfect, if Emiko hadn’t been so selfish.  And it does hurt.  It hurts that she gave me up.  On purpose.

But what’s there to do?  As she said, the past is done.  Life is what it is.  And at least she’s trying.  And my life is pretty good now.  Would it have been as good if she’d kept me?  Maybe, or maybe not.  But I wish I knew.  Maybe I’d remember what it was like to be a little girl.  Maybe I’d remember riding a little bike or playing with dolls or…  or being sang to sleep?  I wonder if Emiko sang Japanese songs to Aika and Mika when they were younger.

It doesn’t bother me most of the time.  But tonight, it bothers me.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Love you all!!! ❤

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