Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!
Well, back to the grind.
I was looking back on more of my posts today… was I really like that? Was I that… young? Or annoying? Or… lots of things, I guess. I feel so different now. I guess I feel like an adult, with adult problems… even if you adults would say “you don’t have adult problems, you’re just a stupid young girl”.
Maybe so, but my problems are important to me.
I tried so hard to do different things. I tried doing YouTubes, I even did a twitch stream, I did lots of things to try them out… and this diary’s the only thing that stuck. Maybe it’s because with them I was trying to be something I’m not, and here… I’m never something I’m not. I’m just Lily. I’m not a streamer, I’m not a video personality, I’m… Lily.
And I seem to be at my best when I’m talking about my life… and my friends.
Maybe it’s because my friends are the only really important thing I have.
There’s Liz… my best friend ever who knows me almost as well as I know myself… has been there almost as long as my actual family… Beth… my sister in everything but name and even in name… there’s Crystal, my little sister who’s been through so much and is one of the strongest girls I know… and Diana, for whom family is so important and her culture means so much to her. There’s Rebecca, my half sister who I just got to know… she’s pretty well off but doesn’t let it go to her head… Ai, my cousin who is so Japanese and such a sweetheart too… and so many others as well… all of them my sisters and my friends… and they’ve been the only constant in my story. Every day I think I say something else about my sisters, or my parents, or someone else that’s really important to me. That’s what it’s all about, that’s what it’s always been about.
And Liz and Beth always remind me that somehow I make peoples’ lives better just by existing. I mean, look at Minami. she came here to Texas kind of a mess, and so sad because she saw how my family was and how broken hers was… and somehow she left with an audition with a Japanese recording studio… and I know I didn’t have anything really to do with it, but somehow I also had everything to do with it. And that happens all the time. Yuki gets to be an idol a little bit here and she seems so much happier than when I met her… Crystal is such a broken girl but she’s also so strong and I’ve watched her blossom since the first time I met her, when she smushed food in Beth’s face (Beth deserved it!). And Beth too… she’s learning to sing now and she wants to be in a band, and she’s gotten so much better with her jealousy…
I’m not really taking credit for it… but the aidols told me I was like a walking shrine, and maybe… maybe that’s what walking shrines do.
And of course there’s Jack, too… who I love in a very different way, but just as much. None of the girls will ever be allowed to touch me like he is allowed to.
Some days I wonder who will be there for me, when I’m there for everyone else… and then one of my sisters gives me a hug or talks about something silly with me or makes a girl pile and cuddles up to me and lets me hold them like a big teddy bear… and I know they’re there for me too and they love me too.
That’s what it’s all about, that’s what it’s always been about, ever since I started this diary, and before. I’ve done a lot of things. I helped start a business, I started going to community college classes, I performed piano in front of a lot of people… but the only thing that really matters… and ever will matter… are the people I know, the people who I love, and the people who love me too.