This diary entry is part 16 of 28 in Lily's diary dated 21 - March 2023

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Ummm.  Today is St. Patrick’s day.  It’s supposed to be a day about luck, I guess.  But I don’t really feel all that lucky.

Which is entirely stupid, but it’s how I feel.  Maybe I’m the luckiest girl on the planet, but I don’t feel like the luckiest girl on the planet.  I feel terrible.

Beth still isn’t talking to me.  She’s not chewing me out or being nasty, which I guess is a good sign because, you know, Beth, but she’s not talking to me.  Sabby thinks maybe I was a bit hard on her, and maybe I was, but I’m sick of it! I mean, really sick of it!  I’m so sick and tired of her not being able to be happy for me, of not being able to have anything good happen to me without knowing Beth is going to get a bit snippy about it.  She’s my sister but sometimes…  I guess maybe sisters annoy the snot out of each other sometimes.

And here’s the worst thing:  Sabby asked me today how much I’ve included Beth in any of the good things that have happened to me?  I mean, I know she’s had a part time job at the shop as a cashier or kinda-waiter or whatever, but most of the time she can’t share.  Like when I learned how to drive, she was younger so she couldn’t.  Or when I went to the Oscars, she couldn’t because she, well, wasn’t there.  And when I went to Japan, she couldn’t.  Or even Orlando.  All this stuff I’ve done and haven’t shared any of it with her.  Maybe sometimes she’s right to be jealous.  I’m not a very good sister.  I’ve never been a very good sister.  Not with David, not with Beth.

I couldn’t always control it.  Robert’s my birth father, not hers.  Liz is my best friend, not hers (though she has hers too).  Emiko is my birth mother, not hers.  So I went to LA, to Orlando, to Japan, all because of those people.  But she…  does she know anyone she can visit or go on vacations with or…

She, well, doesn’t.

But if I haven’t been a good sister, she hasn’t been a good sister either.  I mean, she could be happy for me, right?  She could be like “Lily! You got to go to the Oscars! I’m so happy for you!” but instead it’s “Why does she always get the good stuff” or “Why Lily this” or “why Lily that”…  and even though I forgive her, I still remember how she hated me when Dave and Sabby first took me in.  Forgiveness is easier than forgetting, right?

I keep saying that I’d trade it with her in a moment, if I could.  She can HAVE all of this!  She can have the trips, the birth mother, the birth father, even the semi-bratty sister… she can have all of it!  I’d give it to her!  I’d tell her to take it all and give me the normal life with two parents who love me that I can remember, and her brains, and her beauty…  I’d take it all and give it all, if she wanted it and I could.  But I can’t.  I can’t give it to her.  All I can do is take the cards I’m dealt, which were some really bad cards and some really good cards, and try to turn those lemons into lemonade.  And I keep telling her that.  I would!  She can have it!

But I can’t!!!

I can’t give it to her! I can’t trade!!!

I can’t get my memories back!!!

I…  I have to go.  I’m going to cry.  I’m really going to cry.

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