This diary entry is part 10 of 25 in Lily's diary dated 27 - September 2023

Hi! It’s me! Lily!

So… yesterday was quite a day, wasn’t it?  It’s funny being me, I never really know what’s going to happen from day to day.  It’s like that anime – Toradora?  Where I just come down the stairs and say “it was all BAM… and BOING… and POW!!!!” and I get brained by a flowerpot.  Yeah, I’ve been watching YouTube clips.

And today I’ve just been kind of lost in thought.

Just because I’m not angry with the pastor doesn’t mean he wasn’t out of line.  He was very out of line.  I’ve had enough people in my life experimenting on or around me, and it never turns out well.  I don’t need him playing games with me as well.  But…  at the end of the day, his hunch was right, and who’s to say he wasn’t… ummm… led to do that?  Who’s to say he was, but I’m saying it could go either way.  And, well, something happened, and now I have to figure out what, if anything, to do with it.

Sabby and I talked a lot today.  The pastor said I was a “spiritual leader”.  I don’t think he meant I was to become a pastor and start a mission or something.  Quite frankly, I still don’t really know what I believe.  I think he meant that I have a “gift” that many people don’t and that I should use it and develop it, not sit there like a bump on a log and do nothing with it.  And when I use it, I kind of naturally lead, because that’s the nature of it.  Right?  Because if he meant anything else we’ll have words.

And Jack was surprisingly insightful last night.  I don’t mean he’s never insightful, but he’s not a really thinky person, he just kind of goes with the flow, but last night I think he was right, when he said “that’s what my memories paid for”.  Maybe my memories were a sacrifice that enables the gift?  I don’t know.  There’s a lot of talk about sacrifice in church.  I guess that would mean I’m never getting my old memories back.  But from what I’m told, maybe I don’t want them anymore.  I was a snot, now I’m not.  Well, most of the time.

But, let’s be honest.  Now I’m kind of afraid to pray.  Some people pray and nothing happens.  I pray and stuff happens.  That’s a lot to put on me, and I don’t know if I like it.  And I’m not even sure who I’m praying to!

Oh well.  I’m not going to think about it for a while.  Maybe it’s for the best I don’t go to church next week.  Maybe it’s for the best I never go to church again.  I like the pastor and it’s a nice community and, well…  I ruined that now, didn’t I?

Oh well.  It sucks to be me sometimes.  Stuff just happens around me and I have to deal.

Now…  I’d stare at a wall, I guess, but I have to go to sleep, and maybe I can go to sleep and stare at the wall.  I mean, why not?

Hey… ummm…  where did that chocolate milkshake come from?

Love you all!!! ❤️

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