This diary entry is part 7 of 31 in Lily's diary dated 14 - August 2022

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It was a quiet day, finally.  Beth and I studied a little more for the TSI – I think I’m finally getting the hang of factoring.  Seems like there should be an easier way, but maybe it’s like Japanese – there are easier ways but not easier for everyone, so they just try what works for everyone, regardless of what actually works the best.  But I think I’ll pass.  I hope I’ll pass.  I haven’t had to do a real test in a long time, but I’ll have to get used to it, I guess, the tests are coming fast and hard now.

I emailed my birth father’s wife.  I told her that while I have reservations, I’m willing to talk to him, but asked her why it was her who messaged me and not him?  It felt like he didn’t want to and she was forcing the issue.  She replied back with a simple answer – he doesn’t know yet.  She found his name and put the pieces together – he was in New Orleans at the same time Emiko was, etc.  So she’s not 100% sure, but it could be him, and she wanted to discuss it with me before she opened that can of worms with him.  So I don’t even know if he wants to talk to me.  I responded back and said as much.  She just replied with two words.  “He better.”

It’s not so much that she’s on my side, as if there were sides to take anyway, but it’s more that she doesn’t seem like she wants to let him get away with shirking whatever responsibility he has.  I won’t ask for money.  Honestly, I don’t need it, and that ship has sailed a long time ago.  And any money should have been paid to the people who raised me, and I don’t even know who they are.  I won’t call him “daddy” and glomp onto him like some needy girl.  That ship’s sailed too and Dave’s all the daddy I need right now.  But…  I guess it’s as much for him as it is for me.  I want to know, and he needs to know.  He wasn’t responsible.  Just because he didn’t know how irresponsible he was doesn’t mean he was responsible.  He needs to face that irresponsibility.  If he’s even the type of person who can.

If he had known, would he have taken responsibility?  Would he have run?  Or… would he have pressured Emiko to do something… irresponsible herself?  I need to know.  That’s why I’m agreeing to meet him.  Even though I don’t, in my heart of hearts, want to.

Maybe he’ll surprise me.  I hope he does.  I fear he won’t.

But the funny thing is:  I’ve missed out on almost as much of my life as he has.  Isn’t that awful?

Anyway, I’m not going to stress about it.  I’ll stress about it when the time draws closer.  Right now I have a test to study for.

Love you all!!! ❤

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