Hi! It’s me! Lily!
After I wrote the last post, I just went into my room and huddled under the blankets and cried. I guess Beth heard me because I felt someone climb in next to me and wrap their arms around me. I couldn’t help it, and I cried harder. She didn’t say anything, I don’t think I’d have wanted to, but she let me bury my head in her chest and just stroked my hair as I cried it out.
I have a sister.
And I guess that’s my answer, really. I hate not being able to remember, I hate not having the memories of being a child, of having my owies kissed, but I have a sister I wouldn’t have met otherwise. A sister who lets me bury my head in her chest and cry it out, who doesn’t say anything to me and just lets me cry, who doesn’t mind if I make her pajamas all sloppy with my ugly crying. Only afterwards did she ask me what was wrong.
I just looked up at her and made myself a little more comfortable, and said “Nothing.”
“But,” she said, “You were ugly crying, all over me. It can’t be nothing!”
I smiled at her and wiped the tears out of my eyes. “It was something, but it’s nothing now.”
She looked at me confused.
I reached up and stroked her hair. “You’re my sister,” I said, as if that explained everything.
She still looked confused.
“I was sad because I didn’t have my memories and I can’t remember my family. But… I wouldn’t know you,” I said, quietly, and cupped her face with my hand. “So nothing’s wrong anymore.”
Finally she nodded. “Are you okay?”
“I am now,” I said. I yawned. “But I’m tired.”
She sat up and let me put my head in her lap. “God knows you’ve been there for me,” she said. “Go ahead and sleep. I brought a book.” She opened the book with one hand and started reading, while she stroked my hair with her other.
I giggled. “That is so you, Beth.” She laughed quietly.
And I slept. Every now and then she’d remove her hand to flip a page, but otherwise, I was just lulled into a peaceful haze of post-cry sleepiness. And it was wonderful.
I’m still a little sad. But I have Beth. It turned out okay.
It started raining and storming a little later that night. Beth’s lap was so warm and safe. I never even noticed.
Love you all!!! And especially Beth!!! ❤️