This diary entry is part 29 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I had a wonderful time in Orlando.  It was the best time ever, and I am so grateful to Liz’s parents for bringing me along.  No matter how much I’m hurting right now, I wouldn’t have traded any of it for the world.  Not anything.  But that doesn’t change how I’m feeling right now.

I didn’t sleep very well.  This morning I went to run, and my heart wasn’t in it.  Jack came around, and I stopped running.  We just went to an unused corner of the lobby and cried and kissed and said goodbye and my heart just shattered into little tiny pieces.  I didn’t eat much breakfast.  After breakfast, Jack and his family had to go – they were driving back to Ohio.  I hugged Grace and told her I was sooo happy to meet her.  She saw the tears in my eyes.

“Why cry, auntie Lily?”, she said.

I sniffed and wiped my eyes.  “I’ll miss you all.”

She sniffed.  “I’ll mith you too.”

I hugged her parents as well and told them it was nice to meet them.  I haven’t mentioned them much here but they’re nice people.

I walked over to Jack and took his hand.   My lower lip was trembling, and it was all I could do not to cry.  “Don’t forget your promise,” I said.

“I won’t,” he said quietly.  He kissed me softly.  Then they walked out the door.

I waited until he was out of sight. I kept it together.  Somehow.

We all went and packed up.  I felt like a robot.  We took the car back to the airport, and I couldn’t even enjoy the flight.  But I kept it together.  We all took a car back to our houses.  I walked in the door, and there was Sabby.  She said nothing but extended her arms.

I couldn’t help it.  I grabbed her like my life depended on it and started to wail.

She just patted my back and let me cry it out.  I couldn’t say one coherent word.  I just blubbered and babbled and I was lucky if I got any words out before I just started to wail again.  My heart was shattered, just as I thought it would be.  Into little tiny pieces that tinkled on the floor and made discordant noises and I didn’t think it would ever be put back together again.

Sabby just said, simply.  “I warned you.”

I sniffled.  “You did, I didn’t understand, I thought I did but I didn’t and now I do and it hurts worse than anything I’ve ever felt and I don’t know how it’s ever going to be any better and I love him Sabby!  I love him I love him and it hurts!”  I started wailing again.

She helped me to my room and put me under the covers.  I felt someone crawl in with me and wrap their arms around me.  It was Beth.  I turned around and buried my head in her chest, and cried and cried.  She didn’t say anything, but I was soooo grateful for her presence.

Soon, I had no more tears left. And I still cried.

I finally fell asleep.  Still crying.

I woke a couple of hours later and the room was quiet.  Beth had left.  There was a chocolate milkshake next to me, on the nightstand.  And a note in Sabby’s handwriting.

“When you want to talk, I’m here.”

I sniffled and went downstairs.  Sabby was at the kitchen table.

I sat down and sipped on my milkshake.  Sometimes chocolate really did help.  This was one of those times.

“This is when it’s really hard to be a parent,” she said softly.  “There are times when you want nothing more than to be able to take the pain away, or even take it on yourself, and sometimes you can’t. This is one of those times where I can’t.”

I just looked down at the table.

“I tried to warn you,” she said.  “I tried to prepare you.  I think I did as good a job as I could have.  But…  you had to learn this one on your own.  I could only do what I did.”

“Are you upset at me, Sabby?”

“Oh, no, Lily.  Not at all.  You made better decisions than I did at your age.  I just…  I hurt for you, Lily.”

I took another sip.  “Be my rock, Sabby.  Please.  I need a rock right now.”

“Always,” she said.  I gave her a hug, grabbed my milkshake and went upstairs.

There was a text on my phone.


It was Jack.


It seemed such a silly response.

We’re staying over in Charlotte tonight.  I miss you so much.

I miss you too, Jack.  I will always remember our promise.

I paused.

Lycoris Radiata, I said.


Red Spider Lily.  Maybe we’ll meet again.  Maybe what we have together will die.  But maybe it will grow.  Become something different.  Be better.

There was a pause.

Let’s keep our hearts open.

I’d like that.  How are you holding up?  I cried my eyes out when I got home but I think I got it out of my system.

My parents and I had a long talk in the car.  We had nothing but time and Grace was asleep.  I guess my uncle had a long talk with my parents.  They said they had made a lot of mistakes with Zhi Ruo, I mean Liz.  He was afraid they were making the same mistakes.  With me.


They asked me how things were at school, and wanted me to be honest this time.  So I told them.  I told them everything.  I think they listened this time.

I hope it gets better for you.

Me too.  Thank you, Lily.

For what?

There was a pause.  No matter what happens with us, my life will always be better because of you.

And that has to be the sweetest thing anyone’s ever said to me.  Boy, girl, cat, whatever.  I melted, but for a whole different reason than the last week.

Keep talking like that and I might make some promises I won’t regret.

There was a pause.  Promise?

I giggled.  The first time I’d giggled since last night.  I love you, I typed back.  And I meant it.

There was another pause.  A longer one.  I love you too, Lily.

I sniffed.  It still hurt.  It hurt terribly.  I would have given anything to be back in his arms.  But life went on.  That chapter of our relationship is closed, but maybe a different, better chapter just opened.  Maybe.  But one thing is for sure.  My life will never be the same.  Ever.

There was a knock at my door.  It was Beth.  She opened it slowly and walked in.  She sat down on the bed next to where I was laying.  I put down my phone.

“I was jealous,” she said without preamble.  “But then you walked in the door and fell apart.  I’ve only seen you like this one or two times.  What happened?”

I sniffed.  “I fell in love.”  I paused.  “My heart is broken.”

She was quiet.  “Is that what Mom was warning us about?”

I nodded.  “I didn’t understand.  I thought I understood.  I thought I had it under control.  I thought with her warning I could keep it under control.”  I sniffed again.  “I was wrong.  That boy…  by the end that boy had utter control of my heart and I was glad to give it to him.  Beth,”  I said, “Falling in love is the most wonderful and awful and maddening and beautiful and incredible and terrible thing ever.  You’re too young.  I’m too young.  Sabby was right.  About all of it.  She was sooo right…”

“What does it feel like?,” She asked.  “To love, and…  this?”

“It’s the most wonderful feeling in the world,” I said wistfully.  “It’s like there’s a piece of my heart that I didn’t know was missing, and he holds that piece, and when it fit in I was finally complete.  When he touched me, it was… it was like it was just him and me and nothing else in the world mattered.”

Beth looked wistful too.

“And now I’d give anything, anything at all, to feel his touch again.  It hurts sooo much that he’s gone and I may never see him again.”  I sniffled.  “I can’t describe the pain.  It’s like a piece of myself is gone.”

“But you’re no stranger to having pieces of yourself gone,” Beth said slowly. “And why so dramatic?  His relatives live just down the street.  You think he’ll never come to visit?”

My jaw dropped. Why didn’t I think of that?! OMG am I being an overdramatic teenager?  What’s wrong with me!  He has a reason to come here someday!!!  And about the pieces…  She was right.  Everything turned out alright.  And maybe I’ll even get those pieces of myself back someday.  My memories.  Maybe even Jack.  The future’s not written yet.

“I guess I was being a bit dramatic, ” I said, my face beet red.  “I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.  That really helps. Thank you.”  I gave her a big hug, then I sipped on my milkshake.  “Tell me about your trip with Sabby.”

And she did.  She showed off her makeover, and showed me some of the new outfits she got, and she chattered and jabbered and if it were a movie the voices would fade out and the music would swell as the camera view receded out the window.  It’s not a movie.   I mean, who’d write this?  But thank God that Beth brings a sense of normalcy back to my life.  She looks very good with her makeover, and I think she and Sabby bonded a bit more.  I’m happy for her.

Oh, and it’s fish for dinner tonight.  Apparently Dave and David had a banner trip fishing.  They brought home what seemed to be the entire lake.  That’s alright.  Sabby makes wonderful fish.

I know Jack reads this.  At least I hope he keeps reading this.  I love you, Jack.  I’ll always love you.  I’ll never not love you.  I hope someday it all works out.  But even if it doesn’t, never, ever forget that.  Maybe someday you’ll meet Beth, and Dave, and Sabby, and Dave will give you that famous talk about not hurting his daughter, and Sabby will stuff you full of comfort food, and Beth will be jealous until she grows to like you and sees you like a brother.  And maybe we’ll get married someday and have a house and children and all of the things that a girl like me and a boy like you dream about.  Maybe all that will happen.  Maybe it won’t.  But I’ll never, ever not love you.

But even if it doesn’t work out and we go our separate ways, It was a wonderful week.  The most wonderful, amazing, incredible week a girl could ever hope for, and thank you (and Liz and her parents, of course) for giving it to me.

On to the next adventure.  Whatever that is.  I hope this one is quiet and relaxing.

Love you all!!! ❤️


This diary entry is part 28 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

 Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

There is subscriber only content in this post.

OMG what a day it was!

So as I mentioned, today we went to Universal Studios.  It was fun.  I don’t think it was quite as fun for Grace as Disney was – she kept asking where all her favorite characters were, and we had to tell her they all hung out at Disney and Universal was a different park.  After a while she seemed to accept it.  We got her some choc’late ice cream, and that seemed to mollify her.  I really liked Diagon Alley.  Jack and I made up our own spells, and by the end we were just falling over laughing.  Liz just smirked.  That girl has such a great sense of comedic timing.  She just waited until we were all done, and then waved her fake wand at us and shouted “Sappius Lovicus”, and we fell over laughing again.  It was hilarious.  There was so much to see we could have spent a whole week there, but I guess that will have to wait for another time.

At dinnertime we went to Universal Citywalk and ate at an Italian place.  I love Italian food!  It’s not really heavy on the chocolate, but it’s still delicious!

After dinner we got back to the hotel, and Liz went off to practice violin.  I told her not to come back for a couple of hours, and asked Jack to come over.  He did, and I sat down with him on the couch, and we snuggled up together.

“I’m going to miss you,” I said quietly.  “We’re going to say goodbye and you’ll leave and I’ll cry and my heart will break and I don’t know how I’m going to get through the next week.”

He was silent for a moment.  “You’re still an amazing girl,” he said, softly.  “You’ll have Sabby and Beth and Liz and they’ll help you get through it.  And we’ll still talk.  Either we’ll get out of touch and I’ll find someone else and you’ll find someone else… or we won’t and someday we’ll meet again and then we won’t have to worry about being apart anymore.”  My breath hitched.  “I read your site last night.  Sabby was right.  We shouldn’t make promises we can’t keep.  I would have promised you things too, things I couldn’t deliver.  At least not right now.”

I felt a tear leak out of my eye.  He wiped it away.

“But there are promises we can keep.”

I laid my head against his chest.  I could hear his heart beat.

“I promise….”, he said..  “I promise to never forget you.”  I could hear his voice shaking.  “No matter what happens, no matter if we end up together, or apart, no matter if both of us end up with different partners, no matter how old I am and how old you are, no matter anything… anything at all…” his voice took on a tone that involuntarily made me start to cry,  “I won’t forget you.  And you will always, always, be my first love.”

I couldn’t help it.  I was blubbering.  All of the emotions were warring inside me, and all I could to was reach up and kiss him, kiss him with everything I had, everything that was inside me, nothing held back, nothing reserved.

“I…  I promise the same, Jack.  I can keep that promise.  Because you will always be my first love.”

He and I just laid there, my head on his chest, his hand on my back, and we forgot about everything but each other.  Until we both woke up, there was a blanket over us, and Liz was sitting in her bed reading a book.  I looked at her drowsily, and stretched.  Jack woke up to my movement.

“Finally awake, lovebirds?,” she said amusedly.

We both blushed.

She closed her book and walked over to sit next to us.  “I’m happy for the both of you.  Jack, you’re family, and Lily, you’re my best friend, and I love both of you.”  She sighed.  “Honestly, I’m a bit jealous.  I got a few nice kisses out of the guy at the front desk but there’s nothing there.  You two…  there’s something else there.  Something I really wish I had.”  She looked wistful.

I sat up, rubbing my eyes a bit.  Thankfully not too much time had passed.

“Jack, you need to go back to your room.  I won’t tell anyone.  You have to say goodbye tomorrow.  I understand.  But your parents probably wouldn’t like that you two were alone together.”

Jack gave me a quick kiss, and left.

I sighed.

Liz sat down next to me.  “I don’t know what it’s like, Lily.  You’re obviously completely and utterly besotted.  Are you going to be okay?”  She touched my shoulder.

“No,” I said, softly.  “I won’t.  I’ll never be okay again.”

She took my in her arms and put my head against her chest.  “I’m sorry, Lily.  I’m sooo sorry.”

And I cried.  And cried.  And cried.

We hadn’t even said goodbye yet and I was already feeling my heart breaking.



“Who does he have?  To support him?”

Liz frowned.

“Remember what you said about him being family?”

She nodded.

“And remember what I said about him teaching me how to love?”

Realization dawned on her face.

“He’s lonely, Liz.  I have you and Sabby and Dave and Beth.  Who does he have?  He doesn’t think his parents understand.  I don’t know if he’ll go to them.  Who’s going to help him with this?”

She sighed.  “I need to go talk to my parents.”

The door opened, and Liz was gone.

I was sitting there.  Alone.

And I put my head in my hands.

And cried.

This diary entry is part 26 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021


As with every other post in this part of my diary, there is a PG13 post that is available to subscribers that contains significantly more detail that is appropriate for teenagers and young adults, but not younger readers.  This post is safe for younger readers.  Still, as always, parents, please read first!


Well, nothing traditional this year, I think.  It’s a “free day” here today – nothing’s really scheduled except for meals.  We got to swim in the pool, or use the hot tub, or take walks, or read, or whatever we want.  There wasn’t even a “family” breakfast, we could just go eat whenever.  It’s nice to have one or two days during a vacation to just… vacay?  

I did my run in the morning as usual.  Jack wasn’t there, I guess he took a break.  Don’t blame him.  After which I got a shower and breakfast.  I texted Jack after.  He didn’t respond.  I guess he was sleeping in.  Don’t blame him for that either.  Liz was getting in some early violin practice.

So I just decided to do a little research for this site, and do some reading, and just kind of relax.  I love going places, but it’s nice to just… not… for a bit.  Finally, a little while later, Jack texted me.

Can I come by?

I paused.

Okay.  We shouldn’t be alone.  Behave.  Please.

Promise, he said.  I just want to talk.

OK, I said.

Soon I heard a knock on the door and he came in.  Finally he sat on the little sofa.  He looked pensive.

I sat down next to him and he lifted his arm, wordlessly inviting me to come cuddle with him.  You didn’t have to tell me twice!  I tucked my legs under my body, he pulled me tight and it was the best feeling in the world.  We just stayed like that for a bit.

Finally he spoke.

“This is nice,” he said, softly.  I had to agree.  “Let’s talk.”

“What about?”, I asked.  I shifted to be a little more comfortable, and his arm tightened around me.  Oh, this was nice.

“I told you were amazing.  But I couldn’t tell you why.  Not there.”

I reached up and booped his nose.  “Okay.  So tell me why I’m amazing.” I mimed a notepad, and he laughed.

“So let me see if I understand your story.  You were found on the side of the road a year ago.  You had no memories, nothing but the clothes off your back, nowhere to go, no friends, no family.  Nothing.  They found you a foster family.  They took you in.  The kids hated you, you spent at least a week just crying your eyes out.  I can’t imagine how lonely that must have been.”  He chucked darkly.  “And I know lonely.”

I nodded.  A tear started to form.  When you put it that way…

“And yet, here you are. On a vacation with your best friend and her family, cuddled up with a boy you.. like?”  He looked at me questioningly.  I nodded.  “You’ve won over Beth, and even David, Dave and Sabby have adopted you, it looks like Liz’s parents have unofficially adopted you, you’ve found skills you didn’t know you had, and…  you still somehow manage to be happy and bubbly through it all.”  He sighed.  “I think that makes you the most amazing girl I’ve ever met.  Even if I weren’t attracted to you, I’d think that.  The fact that you’re so incredibly cute is just icing on the cake, to me.”

I was quiet.  I had to process what he was saying.

“When I first met you, yes, I thought you were very cute.  You said your legs were freakishly long, but I think that is gorgeous.  You said your face is too round, but I love it just the way it is.  But…  then I read your story, and now I don’t just think you’re cute.  I think you’re amazing.  I don’t think you’re amazing because you’re cute.  I think you’re amazing because you’re amazing.”

And I think it was right then that I actually fell for him.  Head over heels.  I almost felt my heart go “thoomp” as something fell into the emptiness that I didn’t know was there and it shone with completeness.

“This is one of the problems with having my site,” I said softly.  “You know so much about me and I know so little about you.”

“What do you want to know?”, he said.

“How you got to be so amazing,” I murmured.

He chuckled darkly.  “Lily, you’re not the only one who’s struggled.  After reading your site, I think that’s the only thing I’d even come close to criticizing about you.  You’ve struggled mightily, and you have had a lot of pain.  And I would too!  But other people struggle too, Lily.  Everyone has their own pains and their own troubles and their own problems, and some of them are pretty bad.  Other people cry themselves to sleep, other people hurt, and some people,” did he actually sniffle, “would give everything to have what you have.  I don’t mean just Dave and Sabby… but I mean freedom.  From the memories…”

And that’s when I learned, for the first time, that boys cry.

I kind of knew it before, academically.  But Dave is always so reserved, and David is nine, of course he’s going to cry every now and then.  But this was a sixteen year old boy, and the tears started streaming down his face, and what was I going to do?  Well, the only thing I could do.  I took him in my arms and I held him and I let him cry it out.  I stroked his hair and my heart broke for him.

“I’m so embarrassed,” he said finally, wiping his nose with a tissue I pulled out of a box next to the sofa.  “Boys aren’t supposed to…”

“Ssssh,” I said softly.  “It’s alright.  Are your parents -?”

“No,” he said.  “They love me.  They just don’t understand.  They think everything’s alright.  They always have.”

“Tell them,” I said.  “If you trust them.”

He nodded. “I do.  I think.”

“Then tell them.  And if they don’t, tell someone.  Don’t hold this inside.”

“You are amazing,” he said softly.

“Let’s go for a walk,” I said.

And we did.  It was different now.  We walked around outside the hotel in the Florida heat and humidity, and we held hands, and we talked.  We talked about everything.  Sometimes we were just quiet and stole looks at each other, and it was perfect.  Absolutely perfect.

It was only five days and I’d fallen for him.  Completely and utterly, head over heels, fallen for him.  Oh no.  Oh no oh no.  We’re going to have to split in a few days, and I already know my heart is going to shatter into little tiny pieces.  Oh no.

For lunch, the hotel put out a Thanksgiving feast.  They had all the fixins.  Turkey, cranberry sauce, gravy, mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie, the works.  We all sat in the dining area and got ourselves some heaping plates of food.  Their tradition, apparently, was to go around the table and to say things they were thankful for.

Grace didn’t really understand the concept.  It was hard to explain it.  Finally she said “I’m thankful for Dithney an’ my daddy and my mommy an’ auntie Lily an’ choc’late!!!”  Girl after my own heart.

When it came Jack’s turn he said “I’m thankful for…” he was quiet.  “For my family and…  Lily.  Every boy needs to meet an amazing girl like her at least once in his life.”

Everyone went “awwww” and he blushed mightily.  But he didn’t take it back.

Finally it came around to me.

I was quiet for a moment.  “I’m thankful for…  for Dave and Sabby and my new sister Beth and David and… and my best friend Liz and her parents.  And for my new friend Grace.”  She grinned broadly and said “Friendth, auntie Lily!”. 

I continued, “I’m thankful for having new memories to replace the ones I’ve lost, and new family to replace the family I lost, and…”  and I paused for just a second.  “And for Jack, who…  who taught me how to love.”

I blushed so hard… and Jack’s breath hitched.  I’m not sure anyone else was expecting that, but Grace again to the rescue.  “CAN WE EAT NOW?”  she said loudly, and I chuckled.  “Thank you Grace,” I whispered.  She just grinned broadly.  And we ate.  We ate well, and heartily.  I didn’t see any reason to steal glances at Jack anymore.  I knew he was there, and that was plenty for me.

Later, Liz’s mother took me aside.  “You’ve fallen for him, haven’t you?”

I sighed.  “Head over heels,” I said, blushing.

She smiled. “He’s a good boy.  And you’re a good girl.  I hope it works out.  But long distance is hard.  Very hard.  And you’re both still so young.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”  She gave me a hug.

I hugged her back, but I was already lost in thought.  Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

Oh no.

I talked to Sabby.  Everyone was home from their trips.  Dave and David caught a few fishes, Beth looked amazing with her makeover and she and Sabby talked about a lot of stuff.  Sabby asked me about Jack and I told her everything.

She was happy for me.  She repeated that every girl needs a vacation romance once in her life, and she completely understood why I’d fallen so hard for him.  But she had a warning that matched Liz’s mother, and I was again lost in thought.  “Don’t make promises you can’t keep”.

They were soooo right.  I would have promised him almost anything.  I would have promised him that I’d wait for him, and that we’d get together in the future, and that we’d be a happy family with two kids and a white picket fence and everything that both of us was missing. But we’re still young.  That’s a promise I can’t keep, and neither can he.  Oh my God, Sabby is soooo wise.

But it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve fallen hard for Jack.  The fact that I’d even want to make those promises…  no.  Oh no oh no oh no.


This diary entry is part 25 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

HI!  IT’S ME!  LILY!!!

As with the past couple of days, a version of this entry that is only available to subscribers is up.  While this entry is as safe as possible for younger viewers, that entry is most definitely PG13.  Please sign up if you want to read it.  And as always, parents, please read first!

This morning everything was the same, but different.  I got kissed yesterday!  Not just a little kiss, but properly kissed!  Like in the movies!  I don’t feel any different today, but I feel very different at the same time.  Jack is such a nice boy and he kisses well too!

I went down for my run and Jack was there.  But I decided to just ignore him and run.  I think I attacked that treadmill like Grace did her waffle yesterday.  I just ran and ran until I lost track of time.  Until I felt a gentle touch on the small of my back.

I looked back, and there was Jack.  I removed my earbud.

“We’re getting breakfast soon.”

I nodded and started my cool down routine.  He looked at me with a look I couldn’t quite read.  It was a different look than yesterday.  There was a… sadness… in it I haven’t seen before.  Without another word, he sauntered out of the room.

Y’know, it’s funny.  When you first arrive at a new place everything’s so fresh and new, but eventually even the best things get old… or at least normal.  At breakfast, I went to the buffet, and actually got some stuff without chocolate.  I love chocolate!  I don’t want it to think I’m cheating on it!  But sometimes you just feel like eating something else.  I did get some hot chocolate, but I had some scrambled eggs and syrup, some sausage, and a couple of pancakes with fruit.  Still delicious.

Grace had a cut up waffle and a sliced up piece of sausage.  She was chattering about how great a time she had yesterday.

I was eating, and Jack said, quietly, “I read your site last night.”

I turned red.  I couldn’t help it.  “All of it?”

“All of it.  I even signed up as a subscriber.  I read that too.  Nice pic of you in your swimsuit, by the way.”

I blushed harder, and gulped.  “And…?”

“And I was right.  You’re amazing.”

Oh God I melted.  I just melted.  I turned into a little Lily puddle and felt like I was going to slide out of my chair and oh my God.

“I’m…  amazing?”, I said, not quite trusting my ears.

He nodded.  “You’re amazing.  You’ve been through so much.  So many tears,” he said quietly.  Everyone else at the table had stopped speaking and was listening to him, even if they were trying to pretend they weren’t.  He blushed a little, but soldiered on.  “So many tears, and you’re still amazing.”

I felt flustered.  “I…  I don’t know what to say.”

Liz’s mother spoke up.  “I think ‘thank you’ would be in order, dear.”

I lowered my head, not really embarrassed but just flattered at his words.  “Thank you,” I murmured.

Grace, thank GOD, spoke up right at that moment.  ‘I GOTTA POOP!”  The huge smile on her face completely belied the earth shattering importance of her statement.

We all laughed.  The tension was broken.  Her mother came and got her and took her to the bathroom.  I couldn’t look at Jack anymore.  I just couldn’t.  Every time I did, I blushed.

After breakfast, we packed up our swimsuits and beach stuff and packed ourselves into the car.  Jack and Liz traded places, so we could sit together.  Liz is being soooo nice about the whole thing, it’s amazing.  I asked her about that last night, and all she’d say was “You’ve been through a lot.  You need some good things in your life.  I don’t want to take this away from you.”

I love Liz.

Turns out Florida has lots of lakes, and quite a few around Orlando.  We drove to one of the larger ones.  The adults had all chipped in and rented a boat, and a nice one too.  Jack and I spent the entire trip there talking and holding hands.  He asked me about some of the stuff I’d talked about here, and I answered.  I couldn’t quite read the look on his face, but it was softer than yesterday, somehow.  Like there was some emotion that neither of us quite understood.  Every now and then he’d rub my hand with his thumb and I’d just melt.  He was just looking ahead and out the window and sometimes at me with that look that made me just crumble all over again…

Oh God, Sabby was right.  Sabby was soooooo right.  Liz’s mother was right.  Everyone was right.  I didn’t think I wanted a boyfriend but I’d give a lot to have this every day.

Oh no.  I’m in soooo much trouble.

Finally we got on the boat.  the lake was soooo beautiful and the air smelled soooo good!  I even forgot about Jack for a while!  We made our way back to the beach and I stripped down to my swimsuit and waded into the lake.  Liz and Jack and Grace and I splashed and swam and had such a great time!  Finally everything calmed down, and I laid in one of the sunbeds soaking up some sun.  I know the sun can be dangerous but it’s sooo nice.  Jack was near but he wasn’t within touching distance.  I flipped over, and suddenly I heard the squirting of suntan lotion and felt hands on my back.  I struggled to look and heard Jack’s voice.

“Ssssh,” he said.  “Your back needs sunscreen.”

Oh no oh no oh no oh… yes.  Oh yes.  I relaxed into the sunbed and turned to putty.  I think he kept going a little longer than he had to, but finally he stopped.  Why didn’t anyone tell me it was so nice to have your crush put suntan lotion on you?

“Do you need your legs done?,” he asked innocently.

“No.  Thank you.  I’m okay.”  He audibly shrugged and went off to catch some rays of his own.

After an hour or so, after I’d drifted off into a sleepy haze, he came over and said that it was time for dinner.  I got up and put my street clothes on, and we packed up and piled into the car.  He held my hand some more and it was the nicest thing ever.

After dinner we went back to the hotel.  Jack and I shared a goodnight kiss.  We both went back into our rooms.  Liz was practicing violin and would be for about an hour, and I…  I couldn’t think straight. I just kept thinking bout Jack, and how it made me feel when he was holding my hands.  I sighed and laid there, just trying to get a handle on how I felt.

It wasn’t love.  At least not really love.  I think we had gotten to know each other and we really liked each other and I think it could be something if we weren’t a thousand miles apart most of the time.  And that look he was giving me all day, it wasn’t just about my body, I’m sure of it.  He read this site and still thought I was amazing.  But today…  he held my hand and rubbed suntan lotion on my back and kissed me, and I loved it.  It made me want a boyfriend for the first time in my life.  That I can remember, anyway.

I hope he reads this tonight.  I hope he does.  We need to talk about it.

Edit:  He read it.  He texted me just two words before I went to sleep.  “I agree.”


This diary entry is part 19 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Two days!  Can you believe it?  I’m soooo excited!  I’ve never even been out of state before – that I can remember, anyway.  I’ve never been on an airplane, that I can remember.  I’ve never been to Disney World, that I can remember.  I’m not just excited to go to Orlando, I’m just excited to make a memory.  I have so few of my own.

People don’t understand.  They take their memories for granted.  They remember things – good things, bad things.  They know who they are.  They even know their name!  How precious is a name?  I mean, I did get to choose mine, but a name is a gift that someone gives you when you’re born!  I don’t know what mine is!  It makes me sad sometimes.

Even if I were to choose to keep “Lily”, at least I’d know what my parents wanted me to be named.  That means something.  Don’t you think?

I imagine it’s easy for all of you readers to forget that Lily isn’t my real name.  Well, I guess it is legally.  And it’s what everyone calls me.  But I chose it.  I had to name myself, because no one else knew.  That’s such an awful thing.  I think so, anyway.  No one else knew.

But this isn’t a time for sadness!  I’m going to make a memory next week!  Maybe lots of memories!  Liz told me that her cousin has a little sister and she’ll be there too.  Maybe we’ll get along too!  Liz has a kind of smirk, though, when she talks about her cousin.  I wonder why.  Is she a little weird?

Tomorrow I’m going to work, then tomorrow night I’m going to make sure everything’s all packed up.  The flight leaves at 8:15 AM so we have to be there early!  I mean sooooo early!  I may not even sleep!  But it’ll be worth it!  Sooo fun!!!  Liz tells me we’re just going to relax on Sunday, and then on Monday comes the fun stuff!  YAAAAY!!!  I can sleep!!!

Oh oh oh…   I mentioned that a potential friend for Beth was coming over today!  Yeah, that worked.  NOT.  The family was nice enough, the parents were, well, parents, there was a boy about David’s age and they actually kinda hit it off, but the girl was kind of a prissy… umm… I mean…  she wasn’t very nice.  She was not bad looking for a fourteen year old, blonde hair, pretty face, and attitude for ages.  Beth mentioned she liked science and reading and Little Miss Priss said “Science?  Ewww!  Are you a nerd?”  Well, as you can imagine, that was pretty much the end of that.  Dave and Sabby and the parents got along pretty well, but Little Miss Priss was a dud.

She started on me, though.  Told me that I was weird for being adopted, that kind of thing.  I just looked at her and told her I may be weird, but at least I don’t make people hate me just by opening my mouth.  Her parents kinda smirked, I guess they know.  But they didn’t say anything.  I guess that’s why she’s Little Miss Priss.  It was a little awkward after that.  I guess David has a new friend, though.  That’s a good thing.

After they left, Sabby looked a little embarrassed.  Beth just looked at Sabby with the most disdainful look I’ve seen on her face ever since she stopped hating me, and told her if those are the kinds of friends she wants her to make, well, at least her old friends didn’t insult her to her face.  Then she stomped up to her room and slammed the door.

Sabby looked a little more than embarrassed then.  Poor Sabby.  Good intentions backfire again.  She just announced she was going to take a bath, went up to her room, and that was that.

Truthfully, Beth kinda had a point.  Sabby might need to refine her approach a bit.  I’m not sure having a revolving door of potential new friends every Friday is going to work out too great.  But it’s between Sabby and Beth, so oh well.

Anyway, I’ve got to work tomorrow.  Since I’m leaving on Sunday, Liz isn’t staying over tonight.  I guess Beth and Sabby leave for whatever they’re going to do on Monday or Tuesday, and same with Dave and David going fishing.  Hope they catch lots of fish!  Fish is tasty!  Especially when Sabby prepares it!

Fish is one of the few things you can’t put chocolate on!  Ewww!

Anyway, I’ve got to sleep.  Love you all!!! ❤️


This diary entry is part 18 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Three days till we go to Orlando!  Yay!  I can’t wait!!!  I hear the airports will be really busy on that weekend so we’ll have to get there early!  Sabby’s helping me to figure out what to pack – I can’t take too much but lots of light summer clothing, sunscreen, that kinda stuff.  I hear it gets pretty warm and humid in Florida, even though it’s a lot cooler here now.  Oh, and can’t forget swimsuits!  I have that one Sabby bought me, and it’s kind of one piece and kind of not, it’s very flattering and the top will not come off!!  That’s important!  Show the girls once, shame on you!  Show them twice, shame on me!  Or something like that!!!

Swimsuits are for swimming!  Not for losing!  I want to post a picture, but Sabby’s really insistent that I don’t.  Maybe I can figure something out.  We’ll see!!

So things have been quiet in the Smith household. There’s some political or legal thing going on in Wisconsin, and things are just a mite bit tense.  I don’t know what it is, and I really don’t want to know.  I hate politics!  It’s not because they’re not important, and it’s not that I shouldn’t care, but people just get so worked up about it, and for what?  You speak up when you need to speak up, you vote when you can vote, and generally things will just take care of themselves.  Why get all worked up about stuff you can’t control?

But then I was found in the middle of the election zoo last year, so maybe my views are a bit warped.  All I’ve ever seen is the mess.  It’s normal for me.

Liz is looking forward to Orlando too.  She got a new swimsuit too.  It’s a little more revealing than mine but not much – her parents are pretty strict about that too.  She doesn’t really like it but she accepts it – it’s their way of caring.  But we’ve been talking back and forth about what to pack, and it’s hard to decide!  I wish we fit each others’ clothing, but we don’t, so we just have to make do.  Honestly, she and Beth are more alike in physique than she and I.

So I have schoolwork to do – Sabby’s really been laying it on because next week is a week off and she wants to make sure I’ve learned everything I need to.  Extra sessions with teachers and all that stuff.  But it’s okay.  It’s a lot of fun stuff to learn!  And I’m getting better at Japanese too!  I know enough to know how much I don’t know!

Anyway, gots to go!  Love you all!!!  YAAAAAAY ORLANDO!!!! ❤️