This diary entry is part 20 of 27 in Lily's diary dated 20 - February 2023

Hi! It’s me! Lily!

I’m not a very.. thinky… girl.  Not like Beth is. Beth thinks a lot.  She reads, and thinks, and has a lot of interesting thoughts that I don’t always understand.  I just kind of do, and feel, and only think when I have to.  Sabby tells me I’m… experiential, whatever that means.

But sometimes I do think.  I’m not a dumb girl!  I think about things, sometimes even important things!  I think about life, and happiness, and…  sometimes sadness too.  I’m giggly and bubbly and love chocolate!  And…  and my life isn’t perfect.

I don’t always talk about how it’s not perfect, but it’s not!

The biggest reason is the one that’s always hanging over everything, you know?  Where are my memories?  I mean, it’s clearly not all bad!  Like I’ve said, would I have the good life I have if I had all my memories?  But…  everyone has memories, right?  They’re kind of the one thing that we get of our own, the one thing that no one can take away from you.  Well..  the one thing that most of the time no one can take away from you.  But…  maybe someone found a way to take them from me.

If they did…  they weren’t theirs to take!!!

But I don’t even know how they’d do it.  I’ve looked it up, and there’s no technology that’s able to do that.  Either there’s some super-secret classified technology that no one knows about (and considering how high up my “benefactor” is, maybe I shouldn’t speculate on that), or it was just a horrible, very unlucky accident.

And how did I end up on the side of the road, too?  I mean, wasn’t someone around when I lost my memories?  It’s hard to be on the side of the road if… if someone didn’t actually drop me there!  Was I left on the side of the road like an abandoned kitten?  I… I don’t like that thought very much.  I don’t like it at all.

And someone knows, too!  My “benefactor” has dropped some really strong hints, that people know what happened to me!  And someone left me quite a bit of money, and they know where it came from!  Why do they keep it from me?  I mean, it’s nice to know I can go to any college that’ll have me, or do whatever with it, but every month when I get my trust statement it just reminds me that I have no idea where it came from.

Sometimes Beth gets jealous.  I think Liz does, a little bit.  I ask them if they would trade their memories for everything I have, because that’s exactly what I did.  Except I didn’t get a choice.  That usually works.  I wish it didn’t have to.

I’m better off not thinking.  I’m better off being a happy, bubbly girl who likes chocolate and keeps any important thoughts out of my pretty little head.  Because all my important thoughts just leads to questions, and then to sadness, and then, to wondering why people ever bother thinking in the first place.  It just leads to problems and sadness.

I’m a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world…  la la la  Clothes! Sugary treats! The mall!!! Makeup!  Shiny things!  Delicious things!  Pretty things!

…  tears.  Running down your face and splashing on the ground and smearing all the makeup and… and then you fix your makeup and keep going because that’s what you do.

Love you all!!! ❤

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