This diary entry is part 5 of 18 in Lily's diary dated 32 - February 2024

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Lily is introspective today.

I guess I have those days.

There are some days when I’m really happy and bouncing around and life is just the best.  There are days when I’m sad and all I want to do is stare at a wall, or take advantage of Sabby’s chest (no not that way you silly-billies).  And there are days, like today.

When I’m just thinky.

I’m not a thinky girl.  I’ve told you that before.  I’m at my best when I just kind of float through life.  I mean, I’m driven where I need to be, but life really tends to throw me curveballs and I usually don’t mind.

But have you noticed the curveballs life tends to throw me are broken people?

I don’t know anyone who really, truly has it together.  Not even me.

Crystal, well, you know about her.  She’s been through more than I think all the rest of us combined.  And sometimes the sharp edges show through, the ones that cut.  And sometimes they cut her just as much as they cut everyone else.  She’s learning guitar right now because she’s scared of what would happen if she’s homeless again.  And if we were to tell her that she’ll be fine… how can any of us say that?  Because she can just shoot back “Well, I thought that too, and then I wasn’t.”  And what do you say to that?  “I won’t let that happen to you?”  Empty promises.  I know it, and she knows it.  But what can we do?  We have to say it.  And if she disagrees, it seems rude.  But why does it seem rude?  Maybe she’s the rational one.

Even Liz.  Outwardly, she’s such a put together person.  She gets really good grades, always dresses nicely, is poised and demure…  and underneath is this undercurrent of loneliness that I still see sometimes, when her defenses are down and all she really wants is a hug.  Her parents gave her such an outwardly good life, and yet, underneath it all, they caused a lot of damage and didn’t even realize it.  Her life has gotten a lot better, but you can still see the scars.

Miki…. oh, Miki…. that poor girl.  I learned about what it was like to be an idol like Yuki, and…  it’s so bright and shiny and sparkly, and all those bright and shiny sparkles hide a pile of dung.  I don’t mean Miki or Yuki, I mean their world.  Even when I first met Miki, I could see her face when she thought no one was looking, she looked so sad and forlorn.  As far as I can tell, her parents care about her, even her older sister dotes on her, and yet… she’s got tens of thousands of people eating out of the palm of her hand, and…  I wonder if she actually thinks it was a good decision.  Tends of thousands of fans, and so few people that actually know her and love her that she’s still as lonely as anyone else.  I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in front of that many people who claim to love you but would reject you if they found out that you weren’t the person that they demand you be.

And then there’s me.  What a life I have, right?  I’m set in many ways.  I mean, I can go to Japan for college!  Who else can say that?  I have an ever-expanding “sister-harem” (as Liz puts it… dang her) and I’m sure when you read this you sometimes think my life is great and you wish you were me.  Right?  Don’t deny it.  I think I would even wish I were me if I weren’t me and I were reading this.

And there’s this giant hole in my life before I was fourteen.

And now I’m an… ark, “walking shrine”, whatever you want to call me, and I have this sneaking feeling that not everything that happens to me is me, and sometimes it’s whatever it is I’m enshrining or whatever… am I really me?  What’s me and what isn’t?  How am I even supposed to know?  And does it matter if I’m okay with it or not?  It’s just how it is.  My first adopted parents screwed up really badly, and then this happened to me… and I didn’t even get to choose it?

I know…  stop complaining, everything’s great, blah blah.  Is it?  Is it really?  Would you trade what I had taken from me for what I have now?

Maybe you would.  I don’t know.  Maybe I would have too.  But I didn’t even get the choice.  Just, here I am.

Broken people, broken world, just full of broken all over the place, and all we can do is move forward and try to live through the brokenness.

Maybe… maybe I should go reserve some space on Sabby’s chest anyway.  I wonder if she has a booking available.

Love you all!!! ❤️

From the creator:

Lily’s human.  She always has been.

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