This diary entry is part 25 of 28 in Lily's diary dated 04 - October 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Oh I forgot to mention we got storms the other night!  In the middle of the night!  But I slept right through and the temperature was so nice the next day!  My run went really well!!!

So the drama continues, but it seems to be heading towards a resolution.  I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that Beth is fourteen.  She has her mature moments, where she acts like an amazing young woman, but she also has her moments where she acts like a child too.  And I guess it’s normal to be a little jealous.  Particularly when a girl goes from being the oldest to being the middle child.  I think we all forget that that can’t be an easy adjustment.  I guess I’m the oldest now, but even though I’m a sister, I’m the older sister.  She’s used to being the older sister, I guess, and now she’s not.

But I don’t want to take her place!  I just want to be Lily!  And a Smith!  I don’t really care if I’m the older or the middle or the younger, I just like having a family!  But I ended up being the older, and what am I to do?  I can’t change any of it.

Beth was calmer today.  I guess the eruption last night spent a lot of the energy.  Sabby and Dave and Beth talked for a couple of hours.  She’s grounded right now – I guess you can’t almost come to blows with your mother without expecting some kind of consequences, but they’re pretty light considering.

Sabby came to talk to me afterwards.  She wasn’t upset, in fact she was smirking a bit.

“So….  Malicious Compliance, huh?”

“I have no idea what you could be talking about,” I tried to look innocent.

“‘She’s you’re daughter'”.

I sighed.  “Well, she is, Sabby.  You made that clear, and you were right.  I’m just sixteen.  I can’t be everyone’s rock all the time.”

She looked thoughtful.  “Is that how you feel?”

“Sometimes, yes.”

She frowned.  “I’ve been leaning on you too much.”

“No!  I… well… maybe a little.  I don’t mind that!  Really I don’t!  But I’m not your mother either.  You’re my mother.  Be my rock sometimes too!”

She hugged me.  “You’re right,” she said, sighing softly.  “I put too much on you sometimes.”

“Only sometimes,” I said.  “I love it when we spend time together!  And I love it when you share with me!  I…  I just want to share too.”

“What do you want to share?”

I frowned.  “Like this.”

She reached over and hugged me.  “I’m always your rock, Lily.  Always.”

I wiped away a tear and returned her hug.  “I know, Sabby.  And I’ll try to be there for you too.”

I withdrew.  “Is Beth ready to talk?”

“I think so.  Just… try to be understanding.”

“I will.  I know it can’t be easy to not be the oldest anymore.”

“Not be the oldest…  I never thought of that.  Why didn’t I think of that.  Lily, you did it again.”

“Did what?”, I asked, confused.

She ruffled my hair.  “Don’t change, Lily.  Don’t ever change.  Beth is still up if you want to talk to her.”

She left my room, and I walked over to Beth’s door and hesitantly knocked on it.  She told me to enter.  I opened it, slowly.  She was sitting on her bed reading a book.  What else would Beth do?

I sat on the side of her bed, but didn’t say anything.  I just kind of twiddled my thumbs.

“So…,” she said, quietly.

“Why were you angry?,” I asked, quietly.  “I didn’t ask for any of this.  I didn’t ask to lose my memory, or to be found, or to live here, or to be adopted, or to be invited on a vacation with Liz.  I didn’t ask for any of it.  I love that it happened, but…  but I didn’t do any of it!”

She put her book down and glomped me.  “I know, Lily.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”

“I missed you, sister.”

“I just…  I just get so jealous!  And upset!  Why do all the good things always happen to you?”

“Good things?  Happen to me???”  I chuckled darkly and disentangled myself from her.  “Are you listening to yourself, girl?  I’d trade it all for just one of your memories!”  I wiped a tear away.  “I don’t know what it’s like to be a little girl, or get my owies kissed, or play in a playground, or wear a pretty dress to church…  I don’t know any of it!  You made me your family and I made you mine, but I don’t know who they are!  Why do you think all the good things happen to me?  That’s not fair, Beth!”

I sniffled.  Beth handed me a tissue from the box on the nightstand.  I accepted it and honked.

She sighed.  “I know I wasn’t being fair.  But I couldn’t help it.”

“You feel what you feel.”

“What now?”, she asked quietly.

I kissed her forehead.  “You’ll always be my sister, Beth.  Always and forever.”

She accepted the kiss, and I tucked her into bed.  I turned out the light and closed the door.

And ran over to my room, and cried.

I really would trade everything for even a small amount of what she has.

Anyway, I think we’re okay for right now.  Sabby isn’t angry, Beth isn’t angry, we’ve talked a bit…  maybe the drama is over. For now.

Love you all!!!  ❤️

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