This diary entry is part 7 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  The one and only!

14 days to go to Disney World!  I’m soooo excited!  So much!  I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to it!  Roller coasters!  Lots of sugary stuff!  Chocolate that looks like mouse ears!  Liz!  Who knows what else!  It’s so much fun!  Sabby is still fussing over me a little, she’s made a list and checked it twice and is telling me not to be naughty, but nice!  I’m always nice!  I’m a good girl!  Except when I prank Dave!  Muahahaha!

But she worries anyway.  I guess I don’t blame her.  Momma Bear gonna mom.

You might wonder why I don’t call her “mom” and Dave “dad”.  Well, there’s a simple reason for that.  I love that they’ve taken me into their family, and they treat me as much like a daughter as I have any right to expect.  More, even.  And I love them, more than I’ve ever been able to express.  But they’re not my “real” parents.  I have a mom and a dad out there somewhere, though I don’t know who they are.  Are they alive?  Are they dead? Did they abandon me?  Did they want me?  I don’t know.  I wish I knew.

Maybe someday I will meet my real mom and dad and they will have had a good reason for having left me by the side of the road.  Maybe they were in the hospital, or dead, and whatever hurt or killed them is the same thing that caused me to lose my memory.  Maybe they loved me as much as Dave and Sabby, and we’ll meet and hug and I’ll have two more parents.  And if that someday happens, it kind of cheapens it to have two moms and two dads, don’t you think?

Or maybe they just abandoned me, or didn’t want me, and erased all traces of themselves just so they’d want nothing more to do with me.  I hope not, but it’s possible.  And if that happens, then, well, Sabby and Dave become mom and dad, and to hell with my real parents.  I hope it’s not the case.  I hope with everything I am that they do love me.

Sabby was an orphan too.  She understands.  She knows what it’s like to not know your real parents, and that it leaves a hole in your heart that others can’t live in.  She gets it.  That’s why she never pressures me.  She knows she’s Sabby, and Dave is Dave, and that doesn’t mean I love them any less.  I always, always will, even if I find my real parents and they love me too.  Always.

I don’t like to think about it.  I like to be a happy Lily, going to the park and twirling around with my new haircut.  I like to be bubbly and cheerful and happy and fun to be around, and I like to make new memories with the people who care about me now.  But sometimes I do lie awake in bed and wonder.  Who are they?  Who am I?  Why did they hurt me like this?  What did I do to deserve it?  Why don’t I know and why is no one telling me?  But then I look around my room at all the nice things Dave and Sabby have given me, even though they didn’t have to.  And I’ll cry.  Both at the loss, but at what I’ve found too.  Maybe losing my memory and my parents is the best thing to ever happen to me.

And that hurts just as much.

I had to work today, but the rest of the family went to watch Allison play a baseball game.  I’ve never been to a baseball game.  Is it fun?  They went to the park and Allison really whacked that ball!  It went flying and she ran and ran.  She was soooo happy!  After the game Sabby dragged David over to Allison and made him apologize to her.  She was so happy at whacking the ball that she forgave him.  I don’t think there’ll be any cute kid crushes in the near, far, distant future, or ever, but at least she doesn’t give him the stink eye anymore.  That’s something.

Then they all went to a chain restaurant and had dinner.  I was still working, but that was okay.  I still had leftover grilled meat I could put in the microwave and it’s just as good the second time around!

So we start another week.  More school…. oh!  I forgot!  Remember that $20 bill that Sabby keeps trying to give me back?  Well, somehow she got hold of my bank account info, and guess what I found in my account?  Point to Sabby.  Why is it that they’re so much better at these kinds of things?  Dave got me so good with that cayenne pepper, and Sabby is just a force of nature, I can’t keep up!  I’m not sure I want to try anymore.  Not to say I won’t jump (hah) at the chance to get Dave back if it comes up, but maybe I should just admit defeat.  Maybe next time he’ll put chocolate in a little cage, light a blowtorch, and tell me to back off or the chocolate gets it.  I wouldn’t put it past him.

I love chocolate too much.  No, I don’t.  No such thing.  I’d marry it but I don’t want kids that melt in the bathtub.  Hahaha.  Guess it’s a boy for me.  Someday.  But he’d better not get between me and my chocolate!  He can have hobbies, and prank me, and joke with me, and be a silly billy all he wants.  But he touches that chocolate and it’s the doghouse for him!  Hahah!!!

I’m only somewhat kidding.  Poor guy.

I’ve been thinking about boys.  I still feel like I’m not ready for a boyfriend or anything.  But…  there’s this emptiness inside me I can’t explain.  It’s like there’s a piece of me that’s missing and only someone who loves me that way will ever fill it.  Will someone kiss me someday?  What will it be like?  Will it be fun?  I don’t know.  Maybe someday I’ll find out.  I hope at least the first time it’s all sweet and romantic.

I should go!  Beth needs her hair brushed!  Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 4 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me, Lily!  And I HURT!

Let’s just say cayenne pepper doesn’t just hurt going in and leave it at that.  Dave got me so good.  Credit to him.  I haven’t decide if I’m going to escalate, but he sure does give as good as he gets.  Maybe I’ll find a prank that’s a little more jokey and a little less scary.  But hey, it was Halloween.

It’s…  what, 17 days to Disney World?  I lost count but it sounds right.  My tablet should be arriving any day!  Sabby’s going to buy Beth one too!  She’s not getting David one, though.  He’s too young, and he doesn’t need another excuse to be irresponsible with his electronics.  I still don’t know what she’s going to do with Beth, but they’re both really looking forward to it.  I’m glad.  Both Sabby and Beth seem to feel like their relationship isn’t going as well as it used to, and they need this time together.  Plus, I’ll be at Disney World!!!  It’s not exactly like I’m left out!

I think Dave is going to have a fishing trip with David.  They’ll camp out somewhere and get up early and catch the fishes.  If they’re successful, we’ll have fish for dinner for days!  If they’re not, well, at least it’s bonding time for the two of them.  It makes me happy that they’re making the effort.  You know, that’s how you can tell a bad parent from a good parent.  Both good parents and bad parents make mistakes.  Sometimes a lot of mistakes.  Sometimes good parents can hurt their children deeply.  But the difference is that good parents try.  They listen to their children when they are hurt and course correct if they have to.  And both Sabby and Dave are course correcting.  That’s what makes them good parents.

I think if someone truly loves you, almost anything can be forgiven.  And if they don’t, almost nothing can.  Probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but I think it’s right.

I talked to Sabby and I think I’m going to get my hair done this weekend with a new hairstyle.  I can’t wait!  I like my hair as it is because it’s easier to maintain, but it’s kind of boring.  I like being cute!  And if I don’t like it I can always go back.  I’ll post a picture too!!!  Maybe not the same day, but soon!!!

Anyway, I need to go to bed!  Bed is so nice!  It’s soft and warm and when the sheets are freshly washed, smells so nice!  I like bed!  But I like brushing Beth’s hair too!  And when she brushes mine!  I love having a sister, did I say that??  And chocolate!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️