Hi! It’s me, Lily!
Sabby saw my post yesterday. I forgot about that. I guess that’s one of the problems with having a public diary. but it’s okay. I guess if I truly didn’t want them to know, I wouldn’t have said (or typed) it out loud.
After I wrote that post, I took a shower, got back in my pajamas, and went back to bed. I never go back to bed, but there’s nothing else I really wanted to do. A half hour later, Sabby knocked on my door and came in.
I had the blankets pulled up to my chin, and she didn’t say anything. She sat down on the side of my bed and scooped me up into her arms. I couldn’t help it. I cried it out. I think I spent like fifteen minutes just blubbering like a baby. It would have been embarrassing if it didn’t feel so good. Crying feels good, you know. It’s like you take all of your awful feelings and hurts and pains and just let them out, and everything’s so much clearer afterwards.
I don’t know what I would do without Sabby. I think she’s my second best friend. Or maybe my co-best friend. Liz would have been uncomfortable. Sabby wasn’t. Don’t worry, Liz! I love you too! But you can’t fill the same role Sabby does, and I would never ask you. I never asked her to, either. But she does.
She doesn’t understand. She knows she doesn’t. She can only guess what it’s like to be me, and probably not well, either. She doesn’t know what it’s like to have your entire life be nothing but a blank. But she was there. She held me, and let me cry. That really counts for a lot, y’know? I love her, and she loves me.
I guess all I can do is try to make the best life I can out of what I have, and hope someday that I find answers.
Anyway, Sabby gave me a kiss on the forehead, and told me I could stay in bed for a little longer, but she wanted to take me somewhere. I asked her where, and she said she didn’t care. She said that if I don’t have memories, we were going to make some together.
I know I said I loved Lily Day. I loved the presents, I loved the pancakes, I loved the waterpark. But you’ll never know how precious that gift is, the one of memories. Far more precious than anything anyone’s ever given me – that I can remember, anyway. Those of you who have good memories, I envy you so much. And those who have bad memories, I kind of envy you too. Not the memories, but the fact that you have them. They did shape you, right? They may be bad, but they’re yours. I’d even take bad memories over none at all. I know, I might feel differently otherwise, but it’s how I feel, and I get to feel how I feel!
Sabby took me to a Korean food place, just the two of us. We ate Korean BBQ and had boba tea, and we talked about a lot of different things. I actually don’t remember what we talked about. But I’ll never forget that we went. I’ll never, ever forget that we went.
I did tell Sabby that I was thinking about learning Japanese, and she’s all for it. She thinks Spanish might be more useful, but I said they already teach that in school. I told Liz later, and she asked why not Chinese? I didn’t really have an answer. Maybe Japanese is more interesting. But I told her if she wants to try to teach me some Chinese, she’s welcome to. I’m a little nervous about how enthusiastic she was about that idea. They’re both hard languages.
Later that night, at dinner, I looked around the table at everyone. I looked at Dave, such a silly, gentle, kind, middle-aged, balding man. I saw Sabby, a pretty, older woman showing her age but carrying it well. I saw Beth, a young girl who is just learning what it means to be a woman, and I saw David, a little hellian who I’m sure will grow up to be a decent man. I even saw the cat sitting on the floor washing its butt. And I ate some of the delicious food Sabby prepared, and I couldn’t help but smile. I had a tear in my eye, but I smiled too.
I saw my family.
Yes, these are my new memories. This is my home now.
And you all are my family too!
See you tomorrow! Love you all!!!! ❤️