This diary entry is part 10 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me, Lily!

Sabby saw my post yesterday.  I forgot about that.  I guess that’s one of the problems with having a public diary.  but it’s okay.  I guess if I truly didn’t want them to know, I wouldn’t have said (or typed) it out loud.

After I wrote that post, I took a shower, got back in my pajamas, and went back to bed.  I never go back to bed, but there’s nothing else I really wanted to do.  A half hour later, Sabby knocked on my door and came in.

I had the blankets pulled up to my chin, and she didn’t say anything.  She sat down on the side of my bed and scooped me up into her arms.  I couldn’t help it.  I cried it out.  I think I spent like fifteen minutes just blubbering like a baby.  It would have been embarrassing if it didn’t feel so good.  Crying feels good, you know.  It’s like you take all of your awful feelings and hurts and pains and just let them out, and everything’s so much clearer afterwards.

I don’t know what I would do without Sabby.  I think she’s my second best friend.  Or maybe my co-best friend.  Liz would have been uncomfortable.  Sabby wasn’t.  Don’t worry, Liz!  I love you too!  But you can’t fill the same role Sabby does, and I would never ask you.  I never asked her to, either.  But she does.

She doesn’t understand.  She knows she doesn’t.  She can only guess what it’s like to be me, and probably not well, either.  She doesn’t know what it’s like to have your entire life be nothing but a blank.  But she was there.  She held me, and let me cry.  That really counts for a lot, y’know?  I love her, and she loves me.

I guess all I can do is try to make the best life I can out of what I have, and hope someday that I find answers.

Anyway, Sabby gave me a kiss on the forehead, and told me I could stay in bed for a little longer, but she wanted to take me somewhere.  I asked her where, and she said she didn’t care.  She said that if I don’t have memories, we were going to make some together.

I know I said I loved Lily Day.  I loved the presents, I loved the pancakes, I loved the waterpark.  But you’ll never know how precious that gift is, the one of memories.  Far more precious than anything anyone’s ever given me – that I can remember, anyway.  Those of you who have good memories, I envy you so much.  And those who have bad memories, I kind of envy you too.  Not the memories, but the fact that you have them.  They did shape you, right?  They may be bad, but they’re yours.  I’d even take bad memories over none at all.  I know, I might feel differently otherwise, but it’s how I feel, and I get to feel how I feel!

Sabby took me to a Korean food place, just the two of us.  We ate Korean BBQ and had boba tea, and we talked about a lot of different things.  I actually don’t remember what we talked about.  But I’ll never forget that we went.  I’ll never, ever forget that we went.

I did tell Sabby that I was thinking about learning Japanese, and she’s all for it.  She thinks Spanish might be more useful, but I said they already teach that in school.  I told Liz later, and she asked why not Chinese?  I didn’t really have an answer.  Maybe Japanese is more interesting.  But I told her if she wants to try to teach me some Chinese, she’s welcome to.  I’m a little nervous about how enthusiastic she was about that idea.  They’re both hard languages.

Later that night, at dinner, I looked around the table at everyone.  I looked at Dave, such a silly, gentle, kind, middle-aged, balding man.  I saw Sabby, a pretty, older woman showing her age but carrying it well.  I saw Beth, a young girl who is just learning what it means to be a woman, and I saw David, a little hellian who I’m sure will grow up to be a decent man.  I even saw the cat sitting on the floor washing its butt.  And I ate some of the delicious food Sabby prepared, and I couldn’t help but smile.  I had a tear in my eye, but I smiled too.

I saw my family.

Yes, these are my new memories.  This is my home now.

And you all are my family too!

See you tomorrow!  Love you all!!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 9 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi! It’s me again!  Lily!

I might not be as bubbly as I usually am.  I’m a little sad today.  Maybe it’s a let down after such a crazy weekend.  I’m not sad often but it does happen sometimes.  Lil’ miss exclamation point will have to save the exclamation points for another day.

I am so grateful to Dave and Sabby for taking me in, truly I am!  And I’m grateful that they want to take me into their family.  But I don’t know who I am.  I know I am Lily, but I chose that name.  I know Lily Day is July 25th.  I know… that’s all I know about me.  I don’t know who my “real” parents are.  I don’t know what my name is.  I don’t know what my birthday is.  I just… am.  Ever since they found me, that’s all I have to say.  I exist.

Existing is good!  But who am I?

In school they are teaching a little philosophy.  I think, therefore I am, an old guy named Descartes said a very long time ago.  I think, but I don’t remember.  I am, but am I?  I think, therefore I am, but I don’t remember, so who am I?

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping because I’m racking my brains for even the smallest scrap of memory, but I don’t have it.  It’s like it never existed.  It’s like I never existed.  Sometimes I cry out of frustration.  But I don’t let Dave or Sabby see.  I don’t want them to feel bad.

Who am I?

Well, maybe I’ll never know.  Maybe I just have to choose who I am, because nothing has been given to me except my body and some skills I don’t know how I got.

Sorry folks.  Maybe tomorrow I will be back to my bubbly and cheerful self.  But today I think I want to go back to bed.  Maybe Sabby won’t pick on me about being useful.  But she probably will.

I saw another stream with that dog-girl.  She’s hilarious!  She was playing a game called “Hidden Folks” and was going nuts with a bird noise!  Huuwwwwaaaaaaaa!!!! But she speaks a different language.  Japanese, I think.  Maybe I want to learn it.  Do you want to learn with me?  I did a little research and it’s a really hard language, but I have nothing but time right now!  There are some kids at school who are learning it, but I’m not sure I like them.  They act all weird about it, saying things like “kawai” and adding “des” onto the end of everything, and they wear cat ears and talk about cartoons.  I don’t understand them.  The other kids call them “weebs”.  But I don’t have to be a weeb to learn a language.  Right?

But dog-girl is funny.  I think I like dog-girl.

Anyway, I think I’ll either go back to bed or eat something disgustingly unhealthy.  Either way, catch you tomorrow.  Love you all!!! ❤️. Even if I’m sad today.

This diary entry is part 8 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi everyone!  It’s me, Lily!

First of all, my tech guy did some maintenance last night.  It’s all really complicated and I didn’t understand any of it, but I guess there were some bugs that made it so that bullies can attack me!   That sucks!  I don’t know many bullies, but I don’t want them to attack me!  So he pushed some buttons and tweaked some knobs and spat on something, and it’s all working again.  I hope!  But if you have problems, well, we’ll get it fixed!

He says this will make things faster too, and I hope so!  I mean it was fast already, but I like even faster!  I don’t know how much he’s spending on this but he assures me not much.  I hope not.  He’s so nice to set this up for me.

Can you believe I’ve been posting here for a week?  It’s amazing, isn’t it?  So much has happened!  And so much hasn’t happened, too!  I really loved the Lily Day!  Did I tell you that?  I don’t remember.  Haha!  I loved it!  It was so great!  And I got to share it with you all!

I got my computer all set up, and maybe soon I can try out a stream or video.  I don’t know how all this works.  I see streamers online who like to play games, that kind of thing.  There’s even one dog-girl!  She’s cute but I don’t understand it.  But it seems like a fun thing to try.  I’m good at sudokus, maybe I’ll do a sudoku!  Even if I mess it up, it’ll be funny!  I think I’m smart, but computers are so hard!

Maybe my tech guy will teach me some tricks.

Oh, did I tell you?  At the waterpark, Liz fell in the water!  I know it’s a waterpark and you’re supposed to get wet, but that was funny!  We were posing for a picture, Sabby was just clicking the button, and she slipped.  Her foot went up in the air, her arms whirled around, and she just went in!  It was so funny!  She was embarrassed, but then she grabbed my leg and I went in too!  We had so much fun that day!  Sabby was clutching her tummy, she was laughing so hard!

Anyway, it was a boring day yesterday, too.  I went to see the social workers.  They didn’t have anything new to tell me, but they were very happy that Sabby wants to adopt me!  They recommended a good lawyer, and we’re going to call him soon.  I hope they can do that, I would be so happy to be an officially official part of the family!  Sabby assures me that I already am, though.  I feel it!  I feel like part of the family!  We don’t fight much, though.  They don’t ask unreasonable things of me, and I’m just grateful for them.  I feel bad when I’m in a bad or grumpy mood though.  It happens!

I use so many exclamation points!  People call me bubbly.  I don’t think I am.  I’m just a happy, lucky girl!  Even though I don’t have my memory.  Maybe because I don’t have my memory!  I think some people are weighed down by their memories, their memories hurt them, their memories trap them.  But I don’t have that problem!  I can be happy and not worry!  But I do wish I knew what my name was.  That’s all I really want from my memories.  My name, and a birthday.

I just got back from a run with Liz.  It’s so hot out right now.  I guess that’s summer here.  It’s been very wet, though, and this summer probably won’t last too long.  Before we know it, we’ll get another freak ice storm and the power will go out!  Dave and Sabby assure me that that’s historically unusual here.  But I don’t know.  It was my first winter.

I sure picked an awful time to show up, didn’t I?

Oh well.  Today’s another boring day.  Maybe I’ll practice streaming.

Love you all!!! ❤️. Oh, and here’s a chocolate one too!  🤎 I love chocolate!  Chomp chomp!

This diary entry is part 5 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021


Sabby was right!  It was a big day!  After I took my shower I came downstairs and Sabby told me to get dressed to go out.  I asked her what was going on, and she smirked.

“You’ll see”, Dave said.

So I got dressed, and Liz had somehow shown up, and we went to a pancake place for breakfast.  I LOVE PANCAKES!  Almost as much as chocolate.  And chocolate pancakes!  With chocolate syrup!  So we went there and Sabby told me that today was Lily day and we would do whatever I wanted!

The children were a little upset because they don’t get days, but Dave and Sabby explained that they get birthdays but no one knows what my birthday is, and I deserve a day, and today was going to be my day.  They seemed to understand, but they got pancakes, so they knew better than to complain too hard anyway.

I’m not gonna lie.  I cried.  I cried like a little girl.  I was so happy!  I’ve never had a day of my own before!  I had chocolate pancakes and chocolate milk and chocolate EVERYTHING and it was so good!  Liz had something lighter but still enjoyed herself.  They even had the staff come over and sing “Happy Lily Day!”  It was embarrassing, but so great!

Afterwards, they asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to go to the new waterpark in the area.  It’s a huge indoor waterpark.  It was going to be a hot day anyway, and it sounded so nice.  So they took me home to get our swimsuits, and we went there, and we spent the whole day splashing and swimming and having fun!  Even the kids had a good time!  They said that if it meant they got to go to the waterpark, they would be fine with more Lily days.  I think Beth (one of the children, she’s 14) even got sweet on a boy!

After we got home, there were presents!  Everyone bought me a present!  Dave bought me a new computer, and not a cheap one too!  Now I can YouTube!  Sabby bought me a beautiful dress I can’t wait to try on!  Even the kids got me things!  It truly was the best day ever!  Then we had the best dinner ever!  I can’t wait for next year, I love Lily days!

But it’s not about the presents, or the waterpark, or even the chocolate pancakes.  They love me.  They really love me!  I’m crying again!

Love you all!!!  ❤️