Category: Diary

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So… ummm….  I found out what’s going on with Crystal.

It’s never what it seems, is it, with people?

Crystal has spent the past few days basically practicing her fingers raw – literally.  She’s got bandages on them and she’s still playing through it.  I went over to her house last night – her parents are worried about her and she’s not talking to them about it.  They thought maybe she’d talk to me about it.

It’s sad that they’re right about those things.

She was practicing when I went into her room, and she didn’t even notice I was there.  Her room was a little more messy than usual and she… was a little unkempt. Aww.

“Crystal?”, I said, softly.  She didn’t even notice.  “Crystal?”, I said louder.  “CRYSTAL!”  And she jumped so hard she fell off her bed.  The guitar made an awful noise as she barely saved it from a clangy fate.

“Lily?  What are you doing here?”, she asked as she picked herself up and got back on her bed.

I looked at her fingers.  They looked painful.  “Those look like they hurt.”

She shrugged and went back to practicing.

‘Crystal, you can take a break and talk to me.”  I sat down next to her.

“Why are you worried about me?  You’re a pianist. You know how to play.  You know how much practice you need.”  strum

I reached over and turned off her amp.

She wasn’t happy with that.  “Leave that alone,” she said somewhat angrily.

“Are you going to let me answer your question?”

She sighed.  “Fine.”

“We’re worried about you because this isn’t healthy.  We all support you wanting to learn to play, but you’re being really obsessive about it.  You’re…” I peered at her.  “Have you been taking care of yourself?”

“You’re not my mother.”

“No, but I’m your sister.  Or have you forgotten that being a sister means something to me?”

She looked down and was quiet for a bit.  “You don’t know what it’s like,” she said quietly.

“What what’s like?”, I asked.  I had a sneaking feeling about how this was going to go.

“What it’s like”, she said.  “What it feels like to be homeless.  What it feels like to…  be…”  She trailed off.  “What it feels like to be in love with someone who is only using you.  What it…”  She sniffled.  “What if that happens again?  I don’t have anything,” she said sadly.  “I didn’t have anything then, and I don’t have anything now.  You remember that anime you showed me?  With the pink haired girl?  Who was really good at guitar?”

“Bocchi?”

“Yeah, her.  The guitar was all she had, and she knew it.  Remember that scene at the after party?  Where those guys were talking about his cheating wife and she had a meltdown thinking about how her life would be if she didn’t have guitar?”

I nodded.

She was quiet, but I could see her chest heaving.

“I don’t even have that,” she said.  “All I’ve… all I’ve got is my body, and even that’s… even that’s…”  She choked out a sob.  “Ruined…”

I reached out and held her to me, and let her bawl, and she was bawling so hard.  I hate seeing my sisters that way.  But I understood, I think.  Well, no,  I didn’t.  But…  maybe I did.  A little.

“So you want… to be special.”

She shook her head.  “I want to be…  safe,” she said.  “I’m not safe. I haven’t been safe since… since…” She started bawling again. You know how someone tries to hold it in and it just comes out anyway and their face screws up and they just start sobbing?

Awww.

She was trying to learn how to do something useful so she’d have something to fall back on if the crap hit the fan again.

What could I say?  There wasn’t anything I could say.  Nothing at all.  Because…  she wasn’t wrong.  I mean, she was, but she wasn’t.  She had every right to feel that way.  I mean…  everyone let her down, right?

Finally the sobs turned into hiccups, then sniffles, then she just kind of sighed and fell asleep.  Right against my chest.

I moved her under the covers, kissed her forehead, then turned out the lights.

Then I went downstairs to talk to her parents.

I didn’t say much.  What could I say?  All I said was “She doesn’t feel secure.  She’s trying to learn a skill so if things go bad again she has something to fall back on.”  I paused.  Should I say it? “She feels like all she has to offer is her body, and even that’s ruined.”  I paused.  “She thinks if she learns the guitar if she ends up homeless again at least she knows how to do something that will make money.”  I paused again, and shrugged.  “She just spent fifteen minutes crying while I held her.”

Her parents kind of recoiled, like they were struck.  Her mother started sobbing.  “Why couldn’t she tell us?”

I shrugged.  What could I say to that?  That she probably blamed them for a lot of the stuff that’s happened to her?  That she probably feels like the rug could be pulled out from her at any time?  That she feels like she has no value to anyone unless she has something to offer them?

I settled for a shrug.  There’s only so much you can twist the knife.  “You’ll have to ask her,” I said, with probably a little more bite to my voice than I’d intended.  “But it doesn’t seem too hard to figure it out.  She’s asleep upstairs.”

Her parents are nice enough people.  I don’t hate them.  I know they were trying their best.

But I just put a girl who’d spent fifteen minutes crying her eyes out to bed.  I wasn’t feeling very charitable.

I let myself out.  I didn’t even say goodbye.  Her mother started sobbing again, and I just…  left.

And that’s why I didn’t post last night.

I came home and I did the same to Sabby.  Cried my eyes out against her chest, I mean.

The world is so unfair sometimes.  And it seems like Crystal gets a double share sometimes.

I’m not depressed, not really.  I’m just sad.  Crystal hurts so much, and there’s so little I can do, except let her cry on my chest, listen when she needs me to, and hope her parents can pull their heads out of…  ummm…

okay.  I should shut up.

I did talk to Crystal today.  She thanked me for listening.  I told her it’s okay to practice and it’s even okay to practice hard, but that we love her for exactly who she is and she needs to take care of herself as well.  Apparently her parents had a very long talk with her this morning before school.  And…  during school, because they signed her out and took her on a family day.  Lucky Dave’s his boss, he knows what’s going on and is all about family.  And he knows Crystal too.  Dave’s not very big on emotional stuff but he can be a softy if needed.

Some wounds run really deep.  And I don’t blame her for holding grudges.  Even though I hope she can get past it someday.

I also sent her parents a quick apology.  I don’t regret anything I said.  But…  I wasn’t in a good place for that kind of conversation.  It’s to their credit that they understood.  They thanked me for what I did, anyway.  It wasn’t much.  But it was something.  They do care about her.  They do love her.  They also…  hurt her.  Very, very deeply.

Sometimes, I guess, healing has to take place at its own pace.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s gonna rain tomorrow!  Maybe a lot of rain!  I like rain, just not every day.  And next week it’ll be cold!  I need to find my warm clothing!!!  My sweaters!!!  My leggings!!! My cute scarfs and hats!!!

I know it’s not going to be that cold but it’s gonna be cold!!!

But I have class tomorrow, so… aww.  Sometimes here, when it rains, it rains so hard that it floods.  Especially on the freeway.

Dave doesn’t like it when I drive in that kind of rain.

He always protects me.

Yuki’s over tonight.  Our classes together are on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, so she often comes over after class and we do fun stuff.  Liz seems to get a little jealous because she has lessons and it’s a school night, but she also isn’t really possessive.  She knows I’d love to have her over if she could.  She has violin lessons and has to practice and she wants to get into a good college too so she’s really majime about her studies.  It’s a wonder she finds time for us on the weekends, but she says it’s really important to make time for friends.  I love that about her.

It’s fun to practice Japanese with her anyway.  And she tells me lots of stories.  I’m glad I’m not an idol.  It doesn’t sound fun… most of the time.

She did tell me about a boy… if they’d caught her, maybe she wouldn’t have been an idol.  I guess he was her first love.  But it didn’t work out.  Aww.

You know that one girl?  Minegishi Minami?  The one who got caught with a man and shaved her head and released a groveling apology video?  Yeah.  Yuki’s a bit more…  free-spirited than that.  I think she would have flipped everyone off and gone down fighting.  But she never had to!

And boy can she put away the pizza!!!

Anyway…  I guess it’s bedtime.  We’ve got some hair brushing to do, the three of us, then it’s time for bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! LIly!!!

This diary gets boring on weekdays sometimes.  Aww.  There was a little rain today and it was cooler, so yay for that!!!  I like winters in Texas.  Summers…  Yuck.

I didn’t write yesterday.  We all went over to the shop after it closed and did some practice and experimentation.  Yuki wanted to get a better feel for the stage.  It’s very small and she’s not used to such small stages.  But I think she can make it work, and David wanted to get more time on the soundboard and lighting boards too.  He actually managed to get the lighting to really flatter Yuki.  We took a video and showed it to her, and she actually hugged David.  He looked really embarrassed but pleased with himself.

Yuki is pretty.  You don’t become an idol by being ugly.  Well.. most of the time.

For Yuki’s part, she made a call to her old agency and asked if she could get the rights to perform her old music.  They said they’d get back to her, but they seemed happy to hear from her and didn’t see it as a problem as long as she didn’t try to do it in large venues and stayed here in the states.  They might want a token payment but we’ll do that as long as it’s not too expensive.  We can even find the off-vocal music on YouTube…  Well, we’ll see how it works.

I’m… surprised. Crystal is really digging into the guitar.  I really need to ask her why she’s so driven.  It’s like she’s a mad woman.  She’s actually hurting her fingers a bit, but she keeps playing.  Aww.  It’s going to be a while but at this rate she might have it in a few months.  I wonder if Beth’s going to take up an instrument to support her.

But… I’m just glad she found something to live for.

Anyway…  tonight, no one’s over.  It is a school night, after all.  That doesn’t matter quite as much to me, Beth, and David… but it does to everyone else.  For me and Beth, as long as we get to our community college classes and study a few other things, Sabby doesn’t really care what else we do.  And David has a teacher he works with online.  He’d still rather be playing games but he’s gotten into the groove. He’s not giving Sabby nearly as much trouble.

Sabby basically told me, “You performed a piano concerto in front of a full auditorium, and did it nearly flawlessly.  I don’t think there’s any reason to worry about your education.”  Well… I’m not quite as good at math, but I’m doing alright, I guess.

Anyway, time for bed.

Love you all!!!  ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Today was an okay day.  I did my normal morning stuff.  Took Marie for a walk, went for a run, ate breakfast…  the family went to church but I didn’t.  Sabby’s not pushing that, thankfully.  I think she realizes that’s kind of a red line for me right now.

It was pretty cloudy today.  No rain today, and it was a little hot, but cloudy can be nice sometimes, especially here in Texas where it seems we get nothing but sun, constantly.  Dave grilled this afternoon, which was really nice.  I think he’ll grill a little more because it’s less than 100 degrees.  Man, that was a tough summer.

Crystal’s… ummm…  really thrown herself into the guitar.  I mean, really thrown herself into it.  Bocchi levels of throwing herself into it.  She practiced like three hours today.  Something’s gotta be driving her, but I don’t know what, and she’s not really saying.  She just really wants to be in a band for some reason.  She says her fingers hurt but she’s doing it anyway.  Awww.

I almost want to take up drums to help her, but… no.  I just don’t have enough time for that, especially not with a potential move to Japan coming up next year.

Beth is still taking her voice lessons, though.  Maybe she’ll be a singer.  I don’t know.  She’ll do what she wants to do, I suppose, but Crystal is her best friend.  I wonder how that’ll turn out.

Otherwise, it’s just been a Sunday.  Nothing really interesting going on.

Liz’s family still hasn’t told me where they’re going, though they have some ideas.  A Grand Canyon camping trip is being tossed around.  That might be fun.  Sabby would be jealous, though…

I’ve never really been camping before.  That I can remember, anyway.

Anyway…  Goodnight.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It was a warm Saturday!!!

But not very humid, which was nice.  Hot and not humid is better than hot and humid.  We all spent some time at the shop today.  We let Crystal stand on the stage with her guitar and strum a little, but only a little.  She doesn’t get to perform until she can actually perform.  She knows this, and she understands.  She pouted a little, but she understands.

Yuki taught her a couple of chords though, which was nice of her.  She’s not an expert by any means, but she’s better than Crystal.

Baker is getting pretty good at the Japanese treats.  Like I said, she came around, and she actually seems to think it’s a bit fun.  I think she appreciates the tradition behind it.  I’ll have Emiko come down soon and taste test.  In my not so expert opinion, they’re not perfect but they’re pretty good and certainly taste just fine.

Everyone’s wearing the maid outfits now, and they don’t seem too upset about it.  Friday nights they get to cosplay as much as they want, but every other day it’s maid uniforms.  We’ve noticed a little bit of an uptick in business – I guess people like the vibe of pretty maids serving them.  I might have some qualms about one of cat-girl’s chosen careers, but she’s beautiful.  You don’t cause car crashes by being ugly…

I actually wish I could dress up a little, but I understand how Jack feels.  It seems like fun, but the girls do kind of get into it.  Remember how those “maids” sat in David’s lap and doted on him?  Yeah, there’s a little of that, too.  Maybe it just comes with the attitude.

Otherwise, we all went to the mall today and wandered around and bought some trinkets.  That’s always fun.

Bedtime!  Am I going to church tomorrow?  Probably not.  I think I’m done with that, if I’m being honest.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I didn’t post last night.  Jack and I were out.  We were actually out until late.  We went to dinner at the local TGIChiliBees, and then went to a movie.  There weren’t many movies interesting to see, but no one goes to a movie to… ummm… see the movie.   Right?  Haha!!!

We were perfectly well behaved!  That’s my story and I’m sticking with it!

After the movie we went to a scenic overlook and talked a lot and made out a little.  Aww.  I missed him.  We don’t spend as much time together as I’d like, but we’re both busy.  He seems to actually have taken a liking to the math and science stuff, so…  that’s good.  He seems to like solving puzzles, and there are lots of puzzles in math and science.  And now he knows not to stick forks in electrical sockets!

He knew that before, but it’s not funny that way.

I saw Grace too, and she’s doing well.  She’s enjoying school.  Little kids like Grace always seem to have the best time at school.  Well, most of the time.

Tonight all the girls are over.  Crystal brought her guitar and she’s strumming like a mad-girl.  She doesn’t know what she’s doing, but she’s really good at strumming!!!  And her amp has all sorts of cool effects and features.  I bet she’ll sound really good when she actually knows how to play.  We let her strum a little and she does know a couple of chords, but after a few minutes Sabby asked her to cool it.  Haha!!!

I did try to play.  I don’t know how.  But since I have a musical background, I at least understand how the chords work.  Yuki actually can play!  Not great, but she knows a few chords.  Apparently she had to learn a little for a music video her idol group did.

I love that about Japanese people.  All the haters were saying “you’re not a band!  You can’t play instruments!”  So… they learned.

Yuki isn’t good enough to go in front of Tokyo Dome pl;aying the guitar, but she’s better than Crystal.  Right now, anyway.  Crystal seems really determined.  I mean, I know she wants to play in a band… but otherwise, I wonder why.

Anyway, we’re all full of pizza and chocolate and it’s time to brush each others’ hair and make a pile.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well… Crystal got a guitar.  Nothing really fancy, but a decent enough one I guess.  I don’t know a lot about guitars.  I’m not as bad as Kita was, thinking the wooden bit was just for decoration, but I don’t know how to play one or anything.  At least as far as I know.  I’ve never tried.

… I don’t really want to.  Try, that is.  Who knows what I’ll find out.  I didn’t have calluses though when I was found, so…  probably not.

But she’s going to get lessons and everything.  It’s gonna be a while before she’s good enough to do anything but make dogs howl, but it’s something she really seems to want to do, and, honestly… it kinda fits her.  She’s got this goth emo rocker chick vibe to her, and I guess it makes perfect sense that she’d start doing stuff like playing guitar.

But if she can pull it off, more power to her.  She needs more stuff to do than think about stuff that happened to her, and maybe she can throw some of her angst into lyrics.  Don’t get me wrong – she’s a lot better, but she’s still the “wild child” of the group.

I think I draw the line as being in one myself, though.  That’d just be a pain.

It was a Wednesday today, I suppose.  Nothing really earth shattering happened today.  The usual… went to classes, etc.  But the weather was really nice again.  All the kids are out playing at night again.  Some people seem to hate the squealing of playing children, but I like it.  It’s kind of an “everything’s alright in the world” kind of sound.  Like train horns in the distance.  I almost wish I could play with them, but… it doesn’t work that way, does it?

Sigh.  Sometimes I wish I could remember what it was like to play.

Happy thoughts… happy thoughts…

Yuki and Liz are over tonight.  The three of us are actually the most musically experienced of us all, including the parents, so we’re trying to figure out what to do with our new “live music venue”.  It’s harder than it sounds.  Yuki says she always had managers and a whole production crew behind her… being just her is a little scary.  But in a fun kind of way.

It must be so weird.  Some people are always trying to break out, to make it big, to become famous and well-known.  Yuki did all that, hated it, and now she’s just going to be a two-bit idol in a two-bit venue in a two-bit American city…  and I don’t think she could be happier about that.  Life is weird.

And it’s even weirder how Yuki defers to me about musical stuff.  She’s got a lot more performance experience and knows what it’s like to be famous, but she says of the two of us, I’m the better and more experienced musician.  She even calls me “senpai” sometimes.  OMG that is so weird.  But… cool.  It’s actually pretty cool.  I’ve got an idol friend who thinks I’m a senpai.

Sabby’s working on some of those Japanese treats.  Baker seems a little resistant, but she just likes baking, so she’ll come around.  Plus she gets to keep baking all the stuff she likes to bake.  It’s just something she’s not used to – mochi, etc., is a little different to make than western treats.

Jack and I are going out tomorrow.  He’s been really studying.  I didn’t know he had it in him.  But hey, that’s what we’ve all been bugging him about, right?  I should think of a reward to give him.  Ummm… BLUSH…

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Another really pretty day!  Lots of sun, relatively cool (especially compared to the summer), it was just nice.  I didn’t even mind going to classes. I had the window down and sunglasses and everything!

But otherwise a pretty boring day, I suppose.  I like boring days but they’re terrible for diarying.

Dave got the Halloween decorations up.  He used his new ladder and we were a lot less worried, though he still managed to be clumsy and hit his finger with a hammer. Ow!  But it got better, and he finished it up.  We have lighted bats, and a skeleton.  I didn’t suggest a video of Sabby going Claire Huxtable on someone this time, though.  That’s the scariest of all!!!

Marie’s pretty happy.  We even let her outside for a while to just romp in the backyard.  She loves that, but then she gets a bit barky and we have to take her back inside.

Yuki and I are working on things she can do for her sets.  Maybe we’ll spring for a universal license just so we have the right to play whatever there.  It’s a bit expensive but maybe worth it.

Oh, and I found out why Crystal was so thinky.  She wants to start a band!  You know, like in Bocchi the Rock.  She’s already bugging her parents for a guitar and they’re probably going to get her one.  But we don’t have many other people who can play instruments.  I mean I can play piano/keyboard but I have enough to do!  But none of our friends can play drums.  Beth might be able to sing but she’s still early in her “career”, so…  I don’t know.  Good luck to her, I suppose, but I don’t know how she’ll pull it off.  I talked to Sabby about it and we agreed if she can pull it together and get people who can pass an audition with her, then we’ll let them play.  But…  she looked a little dubious.  I don’t blame her.  She knows a few of the artsy types from her school, maybe she can find some there (oh, I didn’t mention, she’s going to school again.  The homeschooling thing was only temporary while she and her family got their lives back together.  She doesn’t have many friends, but she has a couple.  She hasn’t brought them over yet, I hope she does eventually.)  And she’s a rank beginner at guitar, so unless she takes some lessons and practices really hard, all it will ever be is a dream.  Aww.

But I’m glad she found something she wants to do.

Yuki and I are pretty good at the music stuff, so maybe we can at least give her some advice and teach her stuff.

Well, we’ll see how that turns out.  I love Crystal, but I hope I don’t somehow get roped into being in her band.  I don’t have the time!

Anyway…  guess I should go to bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It was another amazing day weather-wise.  This morning was actually cold, I had to wear a track suit on my run this morning!  Marie was shivering a little too, but she still loves her walks.  I took her on an extra long one this morning because it was cool and she needs the exercise.  I guess there are lots of fun things to smell because she was smelling her little butt off.  Dave turned the heat on last night, which alarmed the cat a little.  Apparently dust or something builds up on the heating elements and it smells like something burning.

I… kinda don’t want to talk about yesterday.  Honestly it all just kind of came out, I didn’t even really know I felt that way.  Maybe on some level I feel like the pastor was just helping God screw me, but he didn’t really know it.  Oh well.  I guess it’s something I have to work out… not here.  Maybe some things shouldn’t be on this diary.

Sabby’s not angry or mad or anything.  She didn’t go Claire Huxtable on me, she didn’t yell at me, she even made me breakfast this morning… my favorite, chocolate pancakes and oatmeal with chocolate syrup.  But…  there’s a lot unsaid right now.  Maybe it’s better off unsaid.  Maybe not.  I don’t know.  Life is hard sometimes.

Life is great sometimes… and hard a lot of the time.

Word has… apparently gotten around Japan that Yuki is here now.  Yuki’s not really as worried, because anyone who comes here to see her has to really want to come here to see her.  That’s… ummm… maybe not a good thing?  But I know martial arts (apparently), so if I have to…  but Yuki’s alright.  She says she actually likes singing and dancing and being cute… she just hates all the crowds and people thinking they have a right to her.  No one’s really shown up asking for her, but we did get a couple of emails in Japanese, which I responded to.  Basically, I said politely that yes, Yuki is here, yes, she will be giving mini-concerts, yes, they’re welcome to come and visit and we’d prefer they bought some of our very delicious pastries while they’re here, but if they’re coming here just to see Yuki might we recommend some more useful things to spend their hard-earned money on.  Of course, if they’re coming as part of a larger trip, come on by, but check to see if Yuki’s around first.  She’s not going to make a special trip just for you, and she has other things to do.

They actually seem to appreciate that kind of blunt response.  Go fig.

I ran the responses past Yuki first and she just giggled her head off.

I had one email asking if the “train onee-chan” worked here though.  Geez, that’s embarrassing.  Especially since it was from a Japanese TV station…

Crystal’s been a little quiet though.  She looked a little calculating when she saw the stage Friday night but hasn’t said much.  I don’t think it’s anything bad, she just… seems a bit deep in thought.

Anyway…  I guess that’s it.  A bit warmer tomorrow but still very nice.  After this summer, I’ll take it!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well… today was a day.

On the plus side, the weather was amazing.  We had another day of just going out and enjoying the weather.  I mean, it was like 70 degrees and breezy… how can you not like that?  So that was great.

On the minus side… the pastor came over for dinner.

He kind of invited himself, though Sabby doesn’t really mind when he comes over.  He’s not my favorite person in the world at the moment, but he’s not a bad guy, and he does care.  I guess.

After we ate, we went to the living room and he asked me why I wasn’t going to church anymore.

I just looked at him with the best “are you stupid” face I could muster, and because I’m a teenage girl (18 counts!) I can muster up a good one.  

“You really don’t know?”, I asked, with enough derision dropping from my voice that Sabby smacked my arm.

He sighed.  “No, I think I know.  But you can’t stay away forever.”

“Watch me,” I said, before I even really knew what I was saying.  That isn’t a decision I’d really made, but, well, I guess I made it after all.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” he said sadly.  “You’ve always been a cheerful, happy girl who brightens the day of everyone around you.  Why are you being like this?”

“Because I didn’t ask for any of this!”, I almost hissed.  “What you and the assistant pastor did is water under the bridge, mostly, anyway.  I’m not really angry about that.  But I’m not the happiest girl in the world, either.  You’ve met Yuki, right?”

He nodded.  Yuki’s been going pretty much every week.  She’s not really huge into the religious aspects, but she likes the ceremony and she likes the… mostly.. genuine community.  There’s not a whole lot of that in Japan.

“Well, you know she used to be a Japanese idol, right?”

“What’s an idol?”, he asked, a little confused.  “She doesn’t look like a graven image…”

I giggled a little in spite of myself.  “An idol in Japan is like a pop star, but accessible to fans in certain ways.  Some people grow to think they have a relationship with them… but they don’t.  Yuki’s a little traumatized by it.  She came to the US to get away from that world.”

He nodded, and it was quiet.  Finally he spoke.  “You think you’re going to be an idol.”

“I think I already am,” I said quietly.  “What happened that day was great for other people, but awful for me.  Now people will look at me like a prayer machine or some kind of hyper spiritual person or something, but they won’t want me around for me anymore.  And what happens if I give in and pray and the prayers don’t work?  They’ll blame me!  I didn’t ask for any of this!”

He was quiet for a moment.  “Why do you think so little of everyone?  They haven’t done anything to you.  You… haven’t given them a chance to, Lily.  You just assumed that’s how things are going to be, and…  you ran away.”

I could feel my face flushing a little.  “Do you want me to be honest with you?  Because if I do, I might yell.”

His face was impassive.   “Go ahead.”

“Why do I think so little of everyone?  It’s not everyone I think so little of.  It’s God I think so little of.  Yes, people might behave that way, and I don’t like it, and I don’t want it, but none of this would have happened if he had just minded his own business and not put me in this situation in the first place!  People are going to be people.  I don’t like how they might treat me, and maybe I do think little of them in that way, but why in ever loving heck would I go back to a place that worships a God that has done nothing at all but screw me all throughout my life?  I lost my birth mother because of a hurricane, and other things, I lost all my memories because of some kind of divine event because my adoptive parents were idiots, and now I’ve got some kind of gift that will do nothing at all but drive a wedge between me and everyone who knows I have it?  Why would I go back there?” I almost sneered.  Dang it, where was all this coming from? “Maybe he’s done some good stuff for me.  I did find Dave and Sabby after all.  But at the end of the day, I am who I am in spite of him, not because of him.  So… tell me.  Why should I go back there?”  I almost yelled the last bit.  The silence afterwards was deafening.  Sabby looked like she wanted to say something but thought better of it.

She knows I can go off on her too.  It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen sometimes.

I…  didn’t even really know I felt that way.  Not really.

The room was quiet for a minute.

Then he spoke.

“Because he’s all we have,” he said quietly.  “He’s all we have, and as much as he might screw us, or as much as he might be blamed for bad things happening…  without him, what would we have?  We’d be nothing more than animals, slaves to our baser nature, doing nothing but scavenging for food and trying to find meaning an an empty life where there really isn’t any.  He’s all we have, Lily.  Don’t throw him out because you feel like he screwed you.” He sighed.  “Maybe he did, at that.  I can’t really speak for him, and you sure have had your share of traumas.  Maybe the only reason you’re as well adjusted as you are, is that you can’t remember any of it.”  He sighed.  “I’m not a therapist.  I’m just a pastor.  I don’t have all the answers.  But give us a chance.  If we…  treat you like you think we might, then I won’t blame you if you never come back.”

I was quiet.  I didn’t have anything more to say.

He stood up.  “I guess I’ll take my leave now.  You’re welcome back when you decide to.  I hope you don’t stay away forever.”  He said his goodbyes and left.

Sabby gave me a look.  “Did you mean all of that?”

“Have you ever known me to lie, Sabby?”

She shook her head.  “I haven’t.  I don’t know if you even know how to lie.”  She sighed softly.  “I can’t really blame you, I guess.”  She wiped a tear from her eye.  “But it makes me sad.  I hurt for you, sometimes.  Don’t hate me for that.”  And before I could answer, she stood up and went to her room.  Then I heard the bathwater running.

Remember how I said I’d never seen Sabby depressed?

Well…

But nothing to be done.  Can’t be helped.

I don’t hate her, though.  I could never hate her.  I guess I’ll go get her a chocolate milkshake.

I was going to go out with Jack tonight until the pastor showed up.  I guess…  we’ll do it sometime this week.

Love you all!!! ❤️