Category: Diary

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

After work we took Marie to the dog park to meet all the other dogs.  She had a blast!  Some dogs weren’t the nicest, but most just wanted to play, and Marie’s all about the playing!

I.. I wonder how Marie (the dog in my dream) got her name…

Anyway, she ran herself silly.  By the time she got home she was conked out.  Went right for my bed.  Sigh.

This morning I told Sabby that I needed to go to work and someone else could take her for a walk.  David drew the short end of that straw.  But that’s okay.  He needs to learn some responsibility.  I hear he was complaining, but did it anyway.  The girls (except for Liz) stayed over to spend time with Beth.  That’s okay, they’re primarily her friends anyway, right?  I mean, I love Beth and Crystal and Diana, but Beth’s the one who really needs friends, so…

I get to be the big sister.

I’m fine with that.

Oh oh oh did I tell you? Liz has a date tonight!  With that boy she likes!  I told her to tell me all about it when she gets home!  And to BE CAREFUL!!!

Off to do hair brushing!!!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

All the girls came over tonight and it’s DOGGIE HEAVEN!!!

Crystal and Diana met her for the first time and think she’s just the cutest thing in the world!  And maybe she is!!!  I’m not even sure we’re going to play games!!  We’re just going to watch a movie and play with the dog!!!

Hopefully the four of us can wear her out enough she’ll sleep all night.

Crystal wants a dog now!

Oh, did I tell you?  I didn’t tell you!  Crystal’s dad is doing a really good job!  He was able to buy a car!!!  So now they have a house and a car, and maybe they can get a dog soon!  But her father says not now, he wants to make sure they’re a little better established first.  Crystal’s sad but understands.  She can come over and play with Marie!!!

It’s not a new car, but who needs a new car, anyway?

Crystal’s mother is going to go back to work too, soon.  But first they have to make sure Crystal is ready to return to school.  They’re talking about having her come over and school with us, but…  nothing’s solid yet.

Oh oh oh.  Remember how we talked a while ago about how Sabby should open a cookie place?  She’s starting to kind of take that idea seriously!  We’re not sure where that’s going to go, but she’s been working on cookie recipes!  Thankfully just a few small batches.  We told her that we’re happy to taste test, but only a few at a time.

I think my favorite is the chocolate chocolate chunk with chocolate icing and chocolate sprinkles, with a bit of whipped cream.  I wonder why.

Oh well, we’re going to brush each others’ hair and tell stories, and then make a girl pile!!!  I love girl piles!!!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

GRRR Marie is FRUSTRATING!!! She kept me up way too late whining!  She wanted to be let out of her crate!  I just told her to go to sleep and put in my earbuds so I didn’t have to hear her!!!

I hate having to do that but it’s bedtime!!!

And then when it was morning and time to go for a walk she was asleep and didn’t want to wake up!!!  But I made her anyway!!!  Doodies whether she has to or not!!!

Is this what having a kid is like???  OMG Jack better pay attention!!!  I guess he has his own puppy troubles too!!!  Grace’s dog is kind of the same!

After we got back she crawled up on the bed and went back to sleep, but oh well.  At least she took care of business.

Turns out… Liz doesn’t really like dogs.  She doesn’t hate them, and she doesn’t really mind Marie, but she’s also not her biggest fan either.  Marie came up and sniffed her and wanted to play, and Liz was noticeably cool to her.  But, of cours,e, dogs don’t really pay attention to annoying social cues like people being cool to them, so she brought her ball anyway.

Liz threw the ball just to get her away.

Bad idea.  Liz said “get away from me.” Marie heard “Oh, she’ll throw the ball!!!”  So, naturally, Liz had to throw the ball.

I don’t know if Liz warmed much to her, but Marie put her chin on Liz’s lap and started to doze, and Liz was absently scratching her head, so I guess it works out.  I don’t think it was really fondness, just… there was something soft to scratch and the soft thing didn’t mind being scratched.

Still, it works out.

I haven’t had any more dreams.  But I was thinking…  you know, Marie really doesn’t get many choices either.  She was brought home, she gets the food we give her, and goes to bed when we say, and goes for walks when we say… I mean, yeah, she gets to ask, but we’re in complete control.  And she doesn’t really mind at all!! I mean, as long as she has food and water and a warm place to sleep and goes for walks a few times a day, she’s a happy camper.

Maybe I should be the same.  I’ve got a family, a boyfriend, even a dog.  Maybe I didn’t get much control over that, but it turned out okay.  Don’t you think?

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

MARIE CHEWED MY SHOES!!! GRRRR!!!!!

I won’t lie.  I was pretty upset.  I scolded her, and she at least had the decency to look guilty.  I told her no and put her in her crate for a time out.  She wasn’t happy but maybe she’ll learn NOT TO CHEW MY SHOES!!!

Dogs have no impulse control at all.  Kind of like boys!  Well, that’s not fair.  To dogs.  hahahaha!  Sorry Jack!!!  I’m kidding anyway, Jack has maddeningly good impulse control.

So, umm, life with Marie.  Lots of picking up poop and throwing things and getting things chewed and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  This evening I took a nap and there she was, a cuddly ball of fluff.  How sweet.

But other things go on than puppy stuff, right?  I guess.

I’m still a bit depressed, I guess.  but life goes on.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

SABBY GOT ME A PUPPY!!!

OMG and it’s so cute too!

She told me that she was sick of seeing me mope around the house so she was going to give me something to take care of.  And, well, I have a puppy now.  I told her that that’s great, but if she expected me to be the only one to take care of it then she should have talked to me beforehand.  Maybe she got the puppy for me, but it’s a family member and everyone gets to share.

She agreed.

But it’s CUTE!!!  It’s a little fluffy thing!!!

I…  I named it Marie.

And here’s the silly thing.  The thing I don’t understand.  She knew the name.  Her little ears stood up and she ran over to me and licked me!!!

Sabby did tell me that I go for runs in the morning so I can take her with me.  I don’t know if she can keep up, but I guess we’ll give it a try, and she does have a LOT of energy.  She loves to play.  In fact, that’s all she does.  Play and sleep.

But damned if Sabby wasn’t right.  I feel better when I’m playing with her or cuddling with her.  Maybe I just need something to take my mind off things.

Cat…  isn’t a very happy camper.  Lots of spitting and hissing and scratching.  But Sabby tells me they’ll get used to each other and be best friends in no time.

There’s a crate in my room for her to sleep in at night.  I guess I can see that.  Dogs can get into a lot of trouble when everyone’s sleeping.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I know I’m usually a happy, cheerful girl, but I’m kind of not happy and cheerful right now.  Yeah, I know.  I haven’t been happy and cheerful all week.  Ever since I had that “dream”.

I realized today that I’ve had very little control over anything in my life.  I know, I know, I’m a teenager and teenagers usually don’t have control over a whole lot, but it seems worse for me somehow.  I only remember after I was found, and I’ve had almost no control over anything.  I didn’t have control over where I was found, who I was sent to, what school I went to – nothing.  Sure, Sabby asked me if I minded being adopted, but maybe they would have anyway.  That wouldn’t have been my choice either.  I didn’t even kind of have a choice about Jack – I mean, yes, I could have said no, but everything about me wanted him so badly that there was no way I could have said any more no than I did, even if I had wanted to, which I didn’t.

I didn’t (as far as I know) have control over whether I lost my memories, and now I don’t even get control over whether they stay lost.

I just feel like I’m bouncing around from one thing in life to another with no way to change course until I hit something.

What do I get to say “no” to?  What do I get to say “yes” to?

I guess more than I think, but not a whole lot.

I just…  sigh.

I wish Jack were here.  I just want to feel something.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

Ummm.  I didn’t write last night.  I don’t want to write now.  But here I am.  I guess it’s important to write even when I don’t feel like it.

You know how usually the girls come over on the weekend and we have fun and play games and make a girl pile?  Well, not last night.  I didn’t feel like it.  Crystal and Diana did come over to spend some time with Beth, but I just kind of stayed in my room.  I wasn’t really hungry but I guess I ate something, then I went into my room and, I dunno, played on my tablet and stared at the wall.

I didn’t invite Liz, but she came over anyway.  Damn her.  She came to my room and just kind of sat with me.  She’d try to talk but I didn’t want to talk.  What was I going to say?  I might get my memories back after all and I don’t want to?

Liz is…  not a cuddly girl.  I don’t know if it’s her culture or how she was raised or her personality, but she has to work to be cuddly.  But last night she…  she told me to get into my pajamas and she crawled in with me and… just snuggled up to me.  Kind of like a nice-smelling dog (I’m not saying she’s a dog, but.. you know what I mean).

And I just started crying.

I couldn’t help it.  I didn’t want to.  Liz isn’t the kind of girl you cry in front of.  But… but just wrapped my arms around her and pulled her tightly to me and just sobbed.  And…  she didn’t say anything.  She didn’t try to make it better, she didn’t try to soothe me, she… she was just there.  She wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair and… and just let me cry.

And sometimes that’s all you need, is for someone to be there.

I love Liz so much.

But that’s why I don’t want my memories to come back!  I have a family now that loves me and I love them!  I have a best friend who will cuddle up to me and let me ugly cry!  I have a sister and a brother and other sisters and my life is good!  I hate that I might find out that my life wasn’t all that good!  And… and will I be able to keep them?  Will my memories coming back mean that I’ll remember things that might get in the way of what I have with them???

I don’t WANT it!!!

Easter is tomorrow.  Sabby told me that it’s supposed to celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus.  It’s one of the holy days that she celebrates.  And…  and I’m glad I have to work tomorrow.  Because I know she’d make me go to church, and quite honestly, I’m not in much of a mood to deal with that right now.

After I got home from work today Sabby came up to my room and we talked.  A lot.  She had me snuggle up to her and stroked my hair, and told me that no matter what I learn, no matter what I remember, no matter what, I’m still and will always be her daughter.

I cried again.  Life’s not fair.  But sometimes all you need is someone who wants to help make it fair.  Right?

I guess.

I love Sabby so much.

I’m not quite as depressed tonight, but I’m still depressed.  I guess I’ll get over it.  Until the next revelation.

No one’s coming over tonight, but Beth is making a mini-pile with me.  We don’t do that often but sometimes one of us just doesn’t want to be alone.  I love her so much.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

I’ll be honest.  I’m a little depressed.  I don’t know if you noticed last night, but I am.  I didn’t feel much like talking.  I still don’t.  It feels a little like my world is being uprooted, right when I was starting to feel okay with everything.

Honestly, it rather hurts.

But, on the bright side, there’s a new episode of Dave’s favorite British TV show tonight!!!  TASKMASTER!!!  Dave loves it.  When it dropped, he put it up on the TV.  He said “you don’t have to watch it, but let me.”

I watched it with him.  It was pretty funny.  Especially when that lady told Alex to stop talking.  Hahaha!!!

I really don’t know if it was a dream.  I don’t.  But if it wasn’t… well, not really anyway… does it mean they’re dead?

Is that why I have the trust fund???

I…  I don’t know what to do.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m…  umm…  I don’t know, today.  Marie. A little dog.  Seems like such a little thing, right?  When put up against my entire childhood?  But…  but it’s all I have.  That and Emiko.  I remembered something.  A little dog.  Named Marie.

But what do I do with it?  I can’t make the memories come back.  And even if I remember Marie, what happened to her?  Did anything happen to her?  Is she still alive?  Was she ever alive?  Or was it just a really realistic dream and I’m making too much out of it?  Am I just hoping that I got a memory back?

I was just getting used to the idea of never getting my memories back!  I was just getting used to it, and then drip drip, out comes a possible memory, and now I’m thinking about it again!  It’s not fair!  Nothing’s fair!  Either just let me live my life how it is, or not.  But not like this!

Lycoris Radiata.  Spider lily.  Death and rebirth.

I…  I just don’t want to, tonight.  Anything. I’m going to bed.

Love you all!!! ❤