Category: Diary

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I’ve been posting really long posts lately, and tonight I want a break.

So…  I’m going to!

Besides, there’s nothing to talk about tonight.  Everything’s just going along as usual.  For now, anyway.

Bye!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So, yes, Sabby had a little time available to book her chest, and, well, I used it.  She just did her Sabby thing, you know, just letting me cry.  It helped a little.

I don’t know why I get this way, sometimes.  It’s like sometimes the world just hits me and I don’t know what to do with it.  I look at all my sisters and I just want what’s best, and, well, I can’t always do much.  It seems sometimes that I can do more than most, but that’s still not a lot.  I think their lives are a lot different because of me, but… Crystal is still very damaged, Liz is sometimes still very lonely, Yuki is still very disillusioned, Miki is very…  well, I don’t know how to describe what she is, but I don’t think happy  is a good word for it.  I guess… it’s like those people who think they have everything they want, and then they wake up in the morning and while everything around them has changed, they haven’t.  Right?  Miki wanted to be an idol, she became and idol, and, well, it’s not like it’s better.  Just different. Like I’ve done many things that people could (and maybe should) be very envious of, but to me, it’s all the same.  I’m still the same Lily I was before I went to make an idol video, before I went to the Oscars, before I had that concert, before I met Jack…  I’m still the same Lily, just some things are different around me.

But I’m still Lily.

But I’m not always the same Lily, either, right?  I mean, I’m a little different because of Crystal, because of Liz, even because of Beth and David.  I’m still the same me, but… they did affect my life, a little.  Maybe it’s that it’s not the things you have or the things you do or all the things that people think they should be envious of, but instead it’s about the things that can actually change you, that can actually heal you.  And things really can’t do that.  I mean, not having some things can certainly cause damage, but beyond that, having more or different things isn’t going to help much.

Like with Miki.  Yuki was very wise when she told the girls to hang on the things that really are to be treasured.  Like each other.  And that evening they were different.  They seemed to be getting along a little better, seemed to be just a little happier.  I think that’s because they forgot they were idols.  They were just a bunch of girls who liked, or at least mostly tolerated, each other, eating hot pot and chattering about stuff girls (in any culture) talk about.

People can cause damage… but they can heal too.  And they’re the only thing that can heal, really.  Spa days are nice.  They can’t heal.  Not unless you’re going with a bunch of girls and can share the experience.  Right?

Don’t envy what I have, people.  Seriously.  Don’t.  Don’t want to be me, don’t wish you were me, don’t think I have everything perfect and all put together, because I don’t.  But I have family, and I have sisters.  If you want to envy something, envy that.  And then go find some of your own.  It’s the only thing that can heal.

Speaking of sisters, Yuki is over tonight.  We just made a quick video for Miki.  A couple of Miki’s coworkers are in touch with us too, they’re asking Yuki for advice.  I think that’s pretty cool.  Yuki doesn’t feel quite as put upon, and she still feels like she’s giving fellow idols support.

Apparently one or two of the after-school friends idol light music club are still not too keen on me, but I don’t care.  Not everyone can be a sister.  But they’d better not pull some crap or I’ll take a trip back to Japan and deal with it myself.  I’ll take the longest trip anyone has ever taken to give someone an anime bump on the head.

And don’t think I’m kidding.  I’m not.

Well, about the bump, maybe.  Everything else?  Dead serious.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Lily is introspective today.

I guess I have those days.

There are some days when I’m really happy and bouncing around and life is just the best.  There are days when I’m sad and all I want to do is stare at a wall, or take advantage of Sabby’s chest (no not that way you silly-billies).  And there are days, like today.

When I’m just thinky.

I’m not a thinky girl.  I’ve told you that before.  I’m at my best when I just kind of float through life.  I mean, I’m driven where I need to be, but life really tends to throw me curveballs and I usually don’t mind.

But have you noticed the curveballs life tends to throw me are broken people?

I don’t know anyone who really, truly has it together.  Not even me.

Crystal, well, you know about her.  She’s been through more than I think all the rest of us combined.  And sometimes the sharp edges show through, the ones that cut.  And sometimes they cut her just as much as they cut everyone else.  She’s learning guitar right now because she’s scared of what would happen if she’s homeless again.  And if we were to tell her that she’ll be fine… how can any of us say that?  Because she can just shoot back “Well, I thought that too, and then I wasn’t.”  And what do you say to that?  “I won’t let that happen to you?”  Empty promises.  I know it, and she knows it.  But what can we do?  We have to say it.  And if she disagrees, it seems rude.  But why does it seem rude?  Maybe she’s the rational one.

Even Liz.  Outwardly, she’s such a put together person.  She gets really good grades, always dresses nicely, is poised and demure…  and underneath is this undercurrent of loneliness that I still see sometimes, when her defenses are down and all she really wants is a hug.  Her parents gave her such an outwardly good life, and yet, underneath it all, they caused a lot of damage and didn’t even realize it.  Her life has gotten a lot better, but you can still see the scars.

Miki…. oh, Miki…. that poor girl.  I learned about what it was like to be an idol like Yuki, and…  it’s so bright and shiny and sparkly, and all those bright and shiny sparkles hide a pile of dung.  I don’t mean Miki or Yuki, I mean their world.  Even when I first met Miki, I could see her face when she thought no one was looking, she looked so sad and forlorn.  As far as I can tell, her parents care about her, even her older sister dotes on her, and yet… she’s got tens of thousands of people eating out of the palm of her hand, and…  I wonder if she actually thinks it was a good decision.  Tends of thousands of fans, and so few people that actually know her and love her that she’s still as lonely as anyone else.  I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be in front of that many people who claim to love you but would reject you if they found out that you weren’t the person that they demand you be.

And then there’s me.  What a life I have, right?  I’m set in many ways.  I mean, I can go to Japan for college!  Who else can say that?  I have an ever-expanding “sister-harem” (as Liz puts it… dang her) and I’m sure when you read this you sometimes think my life is great and you wish you were me.  Right?  Don’t deny it.  I think I would even wish I were me if I weren’t me and I were reading this.

And there’s this giant hole in my life before I was fourteen.

And now I’m an… ark, “walking shrine”, whatever you want to call me, and I have this sneaking feeling that not everything that happens to me is me, and sometimes it’s whatever it is I’m enshrining or whatever… am I really me?  What’s me and what isn’t?  How am I even supposed to know?  And does it matter if I’m okay with it or not?  It’s just how it is.  My first adopted parents screwed up really badly, and then this happened to me… and I didn’t even get to choose it?

I know…  stop complaining, everything’s great, blah blah.  Is it?  Is it really?  Would you trade what I had taken from me for what I have now?

Maybe you would.  I don’t know.  Maybe I would have too.  But I didn’t even get the choice.  Just, here I am.

Broken people, broken world, just full of broken all over the place, and all we can do is move forward and try to live through the brokenness.

Maybe… maybe I should go reserve some space on Sabby’s chest anyway.  I wonder if she has a booking available.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So, I went to church this morning.  For the first time in a long time.  I figured after our “chat” (and the supernatural beatdown the pastor got) I’d give it another try.

By the way, I don’t really think I’m blameless.  I was used to give the pastor a really important, and pretty hard to hear message, but I get my share – it’s just they’re delivered differently.  I mean, would I have gone to see the pastor otherwise?  I dunno.   It’s not like I was told to, I just felt like it was the right thing.

Anyway, the pastor pulled me into his office before services, and he said he had a proposal for me.  He said he’d give me a few minutes at every service I attended to say anything I wanted.  I mean, it was pretty clear that sometimes I had an important message.  But even if I didn’t, well, maybe I had something else interesting to say.  Or I could just talk about my trip to Japan.  Or something.  He said I should keep it a little theological if I can, but even so…  he’ll keep his word.

I just have to not be actually blasphemous.

I told him I’d think about it.  I wasn’t going to do it today, regardless.  I just wanted to keep a low profile.

Anathema and Joe attended with us as well.  They’re…  well, it’s clear they really like each other.  They’re behaving a little bit like a couple.  He’s opening doors for her and doing little things, and well, the doe eyes coming from her are almost sickening.  Haha!!! I think she’d do anything he asked her at this point, but, well, he’s Joe.  He’s, well, sticking to his guns, and I think secretly she’s really happy about that.  He’s showing her he can be trusted.  Now… she has to find ways to do the same, I guess.  Oh, and she did get a chance to talk to the pastor.  I never found out what they talked about.  I guess it’s not really my business anyway, she is a grown woman.

Anyway, otherwise, church was uneventful.  Apparently the guy who confronted Anathema a couple of weeks ago?   Well, his (soon to be ex) wife was there today.  He, well, wasn’t.  She was kind of glaring at Anathema, but she was civil.  I guess, at the end of the day, there’s no way Anathema could have known who was on the other side of that screen, right?  But the wounds are still fresh.  Anyway, Anathema didn’t push.  She knows that even though she didn’t know, and she’s not really responsible for any of it, she’s… a convenient target.

For me, well, a couple of old ladies had some questions for me.  I didn’t really get any “messages”, so I answered as best I can.  Hope it was good enough.  That’s kind of what I was afraid of, but I figure as long as I tell them what’s “real” and what isn’t, well, they get what they get.

After church, the girls came over and we had a practice.  Crystal is really doing great!  She picked up another chord or two, and is starting to understand a bit about music theory.  She doesn’t get to correct me yet (I mean, she can do that when she’s performed in a packed auditorium as the soloist) but she’s giving the other girls tips, and she’s usually right.  So… there’s that.  Beth’s starting to get more confidence and is belting out some bangers, and Diana, well…  she’s getting a few bass licks going.  She’s not nearly as driven as Crystal, but I she’ll hold her own.  Me, well…  I’m drumming.  It’s not really all that hard.  I just have to be a rock and let them use me as I’m intended.

I think she’s about a month from being good enough to play in front of a crowd at the shop.  Sabby thinks so too.  But she’s also not cutting her any slack.  If she’s not good enough, she doesn’t play.  That’s important to Sabby, and I’m in full agreement.  She’s gonna earn it.  But…  that’s the great part.  I think she will.

I am learning a few interesting rhythms though.  It’s kinda fun.  But I can’t devote near as much time to it as I want.  I’ve got other, far more important things to practice for.  Plus, I’ve got some tests coming up.  Meiji wants to see some SAT scores, so I have to, well, take an SAT test.  I guess for most students it wouldn’t be as important, but I’m home schooled, and they need something to show I’m capable of handling the coursework.  So, of course, I’m studying for that too.

I’m a busy Lily!!! A very busy Lily!!!

I did chat some with the admissions folks at Meiji, though, and they were really impressed by the concert I gave, and I mentioned that I was over in Japan to do an idol video.  They weren’t quite as impressed by that, but they did say that if my scores were as good as the rest of my accomplishments, I’m the kinda girl they want at Meiji.

Plus the fact that I can speak Japanese somewhat doesn’t hurt either.  They quizzed me a little on that and were happy.  They said that some students don’t speak any Japanese at all, so knowing any at all is a big leg up for me.

It was just an informal chat, though.  I’ll be applying formally once I have some SAT results.

I’m considering taking JLPT as well, but maybe I’ll do that in Japan!!!

Okay… bedtime.  It’s going to be a busy week… full of lots and lots of practicing.

And… one more thing.  Don’t worry too much about the girls who didn’t get their spa day.  Even if I do nothing else… I’ve got another surprise in store.  And it’s a whopper, and the kind of thing they can’t buy.  Haha!!! But it’s still a secret.  In fact, I probably won’t mention it again for a few months.  But it’ll come up!  I promise!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

So…  haha!  I took the girls to a spa day today!!! And not a cheap little “do nails and done”, I mean the whole thing.  Cucumbers on eyes, all that stuff.  We all got massages and mani-pedis and all sorts of stuff that girls love and boys don’t give a toss about!!!

Well, most boys.

My post last night was misdirection!  They thought we were going to the mall!  They didn’t think “manicurist” was closer to the right answer!!!  And they thought they were so smart.  Haha!!!

Actually, I did think about taking them on a shopping trip to the mall, but I only had the amount I made in Japan to play with, and that would get much more expensive.  The spa was just about right.  Remember that promise I made to Sabby that I wouldn’t spend that trust money on anyone else?  I haven’t.  But… that’s not trust money.  And besides, if it weren’t for them none of this would have happened anyway.

The girls in California and Dallas… I have to think of something for them.  They’re different – they all have lots of money, so there’s not much I can buy them that will be special to them.  Not even a spa trip.  But I’ll think of something.

I haven’t seen Crystal that happy in a long time.

I took Yuki too, even though she wasn’t there for the whole train debacle.  What the heck, she came with me to Japan and supported me, even spending her own money (which she did make back, but still…).

Well, I’m sleepy.  Funny how a day of doing nothing but having people knead and pamper you can tire you out.  So I’m going to bed.

I’m going to try going to church tomorrow.  I have no idea how that’s going to turn out.  We’ll see I suppose.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

One of the girls’ surprises (well, the ones that are here in Austin, anyway) is tomorrow!! I didn’t tell them what is was but I told them to let their parents know they’d be staying over tomorrow!!!

They’re really curious now.  They’re almost begging me to tell them but I just shook my head.  I told them to wear some cute clothes, though.  You know, the kind you’d go to the ma… oops.  Haha!!!

Go to the manucurist!  That’s what I mean!!! Hahaha!!!

Well, if they read this, then they deserve that hint.

Anyway, today I went to see the conductor.  He says he thinks I’m coming along okay, but I have a lot of work to do.  That’s okay, I knew that.  I’m still practicing a lot.  He gave me some tips which were helpful.  He’s not a concert pianist or anything but he’s seen things, and he knows where pianists have problems with this piece.

I told him I went to Japan to be in an idol video, and he asked, “what’s an idol?”  So I showed him some of the after-school friends idol light music club, and he just shook his head.  “Well, at least they’re cute,” he said.  They are.  But I see his point.  They’re not exactly intended to be talented.  If they’re too talented then they seem unapproachable.

I hope that works out for Minami.  I think it will.  Maybe not as a member of that group, but the smart ones know that it’s only a springboard.  There was this ruckus I heard about in Japan a few years ago where two idols were arguing – one really loved her group, and the other one just saw it as a springboard to bigger and better things.  The one who loved her group was offended when the other one said something pragmatic.  But the pragmatic one had the right of it, I think.  You do what you need until it’s not useful anymore, and then move on.  I think Minami has that attitude, too.  Especially after Yuki’s talk…

Anyway, the girls are here, and they’ve started a coordinated front to try to extract the secret from me, so

TELL US LILY!!!ASDRFGagfasgjaijg;lakjfg;iuj oi4j5tro;i42j5lakwrejj;olakjjtralkjf;lakjd;lfkasjdf;lakdja;dlkfja;kadfjaSTOP IT GIRLS!!!!

heeheehee

Sigh.

Now I have to go get my chocolate back.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s February!!!

Lots of fun stuff happens in February!  Like…  Valentine’s day!  My favorite day, not because of love, but because of chocolate!  You know me!  Chocolate girl!  It’s the best!!!

Maybe I’ll get a lot of chocolate this year, but if I don’t, I will anyway, because I’ll buy it for myself!!  Don’t think I won’t!!!

Anyway, pretty quiet day.  Lots of practicing, lots of… practicing.  And did I mention lots of practicing?  I need to make up for lost time.  There’s a lot to get right.  It’s starting to sound good, but it’s still really hard, and sometimes I get on a chat with my piano teacher and say “what am I doing wrong?” and she says “try this” and it’s suddenly a hundred times better.  Aww.  I hate it when that happens.  But I like it when I’m better!!!

I don’t really have lessons weekly.  I just call her when I need to and she gets some money for it.  It all works out for everyone.

I sent Miki a link of that video of me performing that Schumann concerto, and she was legit impressed.  She showed it around to some of her fellow idols, and apparently a couple got a little jealous.  I mean they’re famous and good at singing and dancing, but only a couple of them can do that.  But heck, I couldn’t dance to save my life, I’m a klutz.  Yeah, I have nice long legs and I look graceful, but I’ll trip over a cheerio.  Or nothing at all.  I have to be careful when I’m wearing heels!  I haven’t fallen yet.  Jack tells me I’m smooth and graceful when I’m walking in heels, but actually, I’m just being very careful how I walk so I don’t fall on my face or my tushy!!!

I wonder if that’s the trick of heels – make it so dangerous you have to walk slow and carefully.

But those idols just move around on stage like it’s breathing!  It’s amazing to watch!  And they can sing too while prancing around the stage!  I mean, maybe their voices aren’t always the best, but to do that while dancing around and your voice not breaking at all?  That does take some skill.

I guess that’s a lot of words to say they’re better than me at some things, and I’m better than them at some things, and at the end of the day, all that really matters is that we can make it work for us.

I mean, Minami… that girl can sing.  She’s still learning how to dance like the other idols, it requires a lot of stamina and fitness that she has to work up to, but when she grabs that microphone and belts out a soulful song like she did at the shop…  that’s what attracted the agency to her in the first place.  It would not surprise me if she were… well, not center someday, but standing at the front of the stage singing her heart out while everyone dances around her.  Or maybe she just gets a solo.  That’s not usual for an idol, but… she’s that good.  I hope she gets some voice training – she told me that most of that is natural talent.  That’s amazing.

I don’t know how that works, though.  Idols don’t quite work that way.  But it’ll be interesting to see how they use her.

Well, anyway.  Thursdays aren’t always the most interesting days, and this one isn’t an exception.  But I’m done practicing.  Maybe I should study or watch anime.  Or maybe both.  Haha!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️