Month: October 2023

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well… Crystal got a guitar.  Nothing really fancy, but a decent enough one I guess.  I don’t know a lot about guitars.  I’m not as bad as Kita was, thinking the wooden bit was just for decoration, but I don’t know how to play one or anything.  At least as far as I know.  I’ve never tried.

… I don’t really want to.  Try, that is.  Who knows what I’ll find out.  I didn’t have calluses though when I was found, so…  probably not.

But she’s going to get lessons and everything.  It’s gonna be a while before she’s good enough to do anything but make dogs howl, but it’s something she really seems to want to do, and, honestly… it kinda fits her.  She’s got this goth emo rocker chick vibe to her, and I guess it makes perfect sense that she’d start doing stuff like playing guitar.

But if she can pull it off, more power to her.  She needs more stuff to do than think about stuff that happened to her, and maybe she can throw some of her angst into lyrics.  Don’t get me wrong – she’s a lot better, but she’s still the “wild child” of the group.

I think I draw the line as being in one myself, though.  That’d just be a pain.

It was a Wednesday today, I suppose.  Nothing really earth shattering happened today.  The usual… went to classes, etc.  But the weather was really nice again.  All the kids are out playing at night again.  Some people seem to hate the squealing of playing children, but I like it.  It’s kind of an “everything’s alright in the world” kind of sound.  Like train horns in the distance.  I almost wish I could play with them, but… it doesn’t work that way, does it?

Sigh.  Sometimes I wish I could remember what it was like to play.

Happy thoughts… happy thoughts…

Yuki and Liz are over tonight.  The three of us are actually the most musically experienced of us all, including the parents, so we’re trying to figure out what to do with our new “live music venue”.  It’s harder than it sounds.  Yuki says she always had managers and a whole production crew behind her… being just her is a little scary.  But in a fun kind of way.

It must be so weird.  Some people are always trying to break out, to make it big, to become famous and well-known.  Yuki did all that, hated it, and now she’s just going to be a two-bit idol in a two-bit venue in a two-bit American city…  and I don’t think she could be happier about that.  Life is weird.

And it’s even weirder how Yuki defers to me about musical stuff.  She’s got a lot more performance experience and knows what it’s like to be famous, but she says of the two of us, I’m the better and more experienced musician.  She even calls me “senpai” sometimes.  OMG that is so weird.  But… cool.  It’s actually pretty cool.  I’ve got an idol friend who thinks I’m a senpai.

Sabby’s working on some of those Japanese treats.  Baker seems a little resistant, but she just likes baking, so she’ll come around.  Plus she gets to keep baking all the stuff she likes to bake.  It’s just something she’s not used to – mochi, etc., is a little different to make than western treats.

Jack and I are going out tomorrow.  He’s been really studying.  I didn’t know he had it in him.  But hey, that’s what we’ve all been bugging him about, right?  I should think of a reward to give him.  Ummm… BLUSH…

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Another really pretty day!  Lots of sun, relatively cool (especially compared to the summer), it was just nice.  I didn’t even mind going to classes. I had the window down and sunglasses and everything!

But otherwise a pretty boring day, I suppose.  I like boring days but they’re terrible for diarying.

Dave got the Halloween decorations up.  He used his new ladder and we were a lot less worried, though he still managed to be clumsy and hit his finger with a hammer. Ow!  But it got better, and he finished it up.  We have lighted bats, and a skeleton.  I didn’t suggest a video of Sabby going Claire Huxtable on someone this time, though.  That’s the scariest of all!!!

Marie’s pretty happy.  We even let her outside for a while to just romp in the backyard.  She loves that, but then she gets a bit barky and we have to take her back inside.

Yuki and I are working on things she can do for her sets.  Maybe we’ll spring for a universal license just so we have the right to play whatever there.  It’s a bit expensive but maybe worth it.

Oh, and I found out why Crystal was so thinky.  She wants to start a band!  You know, like in Bocchi the Rock.  She’s already bugging her parents for a guitar and they’re probably going to get her one.  But we don’t have many other people who can play instruments.  I mean I can play piano/keyboard but I have enough to do!  But none of our friends can play drums.  Beth might be able to sing but she’s still early in her “career”, so…  I don’t know.  Good luck to her, I suppose, but I don’t know how she’ll pull it off.  I talked to Sabby about it and we agreed if she can pull it together and get people who can pass an audition with her, then we’ll let them play.  But…  she looked a little dubious.  I don’t blame her.  She knows a few of the artsy types from her school, maybe she can find some there (oh, I didn’t mention, she’s going to school again.  The homeschooling thing was only temporary while she and her family got their lives back together.  She doesn’t have many friends, but she has a couple.  She hasn’t brought them over yet, I hope she does eventually.)  And she’s a rank beginner at guitar, so unless she takes some lessons and practices really hard, all it will ever be is a dream.  Aww.

But I’m glad she found something she wants to do.

Yuki and I are pretty good at the music stuff, so maybe we can at least give her some advice and teach her stuff.

Well, we’ll see how that turns out.  I love Crystal, but I hope I don’t somehow get roped into being in her band.  I don’t have the time!

Anyway…  guess I should go to bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It was another amazing day weather-wise.  This morning was actually cold, I had to wear a track suit on my run this morning!  Marie was shivering a little too, but she still loves her walks.  I took her on an extra long one this morning because it was cool and she needs the exercise.  I guess there are lots of fun things to smell because she was smelling her little butt off.  Dave turned the heat on last night, which alarmed the cat a little.  Apparently dust or something builds up on the heating elements and it smells like something burning.

I… kinda don’t want to talk about yesterday.  Honestly it all just kind of came out, I didn’t even really know I felt that way.  Maybe on some level I feel like the pastor was just helping God screw me, but he didn’t really know it.  Oh well.  I guess it’s something I have to work out… not here.  Maybe some things shouldn’t be on this diary.

Sabby’s not angry or mad or anything.  She didn’t go Claire Huxtable on me, she didn’t yell at me, she even made me breakfast this morning… my favorite, chocolate pancakes and oatmeal with chocolate syrup.  But…  there’s a lot unsaid right now.  Maybe it’s better off unsaid.  Maybe not.  I don’t know.  Life is hard sometimes.

Life is great sometimes… and hard a lot of the time.

Word has… apparently gotten around Japan that Yuki is here now.  Yuki’s not really as worried, because anyone who comes here to see her has to really want to come here to see her.  That’s… ummm… maybe not a good thing?  But I know martial arts (apparently), so if I have to…  but Yuki’s alright.  She says she actually likes singing and dancing and being cute… she just hates all the crowds and people thinking they have a right to her.  No one’s really shown up asking for her, but we did get a couple of emails in Japanese, which I responded to.  Basically, I said politely that yes, Yuki is here, yes, she will be giving mini-concerts, yes, they’re welcome to come and visit and we’d prefer they bought some of our very delicious pastries while they’re here, but if they’re coming here just to see Yuki might we recommend some more useful things to spend their hard-earned money on.  Of course, if they’re coming as part of a larger trip, come on by, but check to see if Yuki’s around first.  She’s not going to make a special trip just for you, and she has other things to do.

They actually seem to appreciate that kind of blunt response.  Go fig.

I ran the responses past Yuki first and she just giggled her head off.

I had one email asking if the “train onee-chan” worked here though.  Geez, that’s embarrassing.  Especially since it was from a Japanese TV station…

Crystal’s been a little quiet though.  She looked a little calculating when she saw the stage Friday night but hasn’t said much.  I don’t think it’s anything bad, she just… seems a bit deep in thought.

Anyway…  I guess that’s it.  A bit warmer tomorrow but still very nice.  After this summer, I’ll take it!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Well… today was a day.

On the plus side, the weather was amazing.  We had another day of just going out and enjoying the weather.  I mean, it was like 70 degrees and breezy… how can you not like that?  So that was great.

On the minus side… the pastor came over for dinner.

He kind of invited himself, though Sabby doesn’t really mind when he comes over.  He’s not my favorite person in the world at the moment, but he’s not a bad guy, and he does care.  I guess.

After we ate, we went to the living room and he asked me why I wasn’t going to church anymore.

I just looked at him with the best “are you stupid” face I could muster, and because I’m a teenage girl (18 counts!) I can muster up a good one.  

“You really don’t know?”, I asked, with enough derision dropping from my voice that Sabby smacked my arm.

He sighed.  “No, I think I know.  But you can’t stay away forever.”

“Watch me,” I said, before I even really knew what I was saying.  That isn’t a decision I’d really made, but, well, I guess I made it after all.

“I’ve never seen you like this,” he said sadly.  “You’ve always been a cheerful, happy girl who brightens the day of everyone around you.  Why are you being like this?”

“Because I didn’t ask for any of this!”, I almost hissed.  “What you and the assistant pastor did is water under the bridge, mostly, anyway.  I’m not really angry about that.  But I’m not the happiest girl in the world, either.  You’ve met Yuki, right?”

He nodded.  Yuki’s been going pretty much every week.  She’s not really huge into the religious aspects, but she likes the ceremony and she likes the… mostly.. genuine community.  There’s not a whole lot of that in Japan.

“Well, you know she used to be a Japanese idol, right?”

“What’s an idol?”, he asked, a little confused.  “She doesn’t look like a graven image…”

I giggled a little in spite of myself.  “An idol in Japan is like a pop star, but accessible to fans in certain ways.  Some people grow to think they have a relationship with them… but they don’t.  Yuki’s a little traumatized by it.  She came to the US to get away from that world.”

He nodded, and it was quiet.  Finally he spoke.  “You think you’re going to be an idol.”

“I think I already am,” I said quietly.  “What happened that day was great for other people, but awful for me.  Now people will look at me like a prayer machine or some kind of hyper spiritual person or something, but they won’t want me around for me anymore.  And what happens if I give in and pray and the prayers don’t work?  They’ll blame me!  I didn’t ask for any of this!”

He was quiet for a moment.  “Why do you think so little of everyone?  They haven’t done anything to you.  You… haven’t given them a chance to, Lily.  You just assumed that’s how things are going to be, and…  you ran away.”

I could feel my face flushing a little.  “Do you want me to be honest with you?  Because if I do, I might yell.”

His face was impassive.   “Go ahead.”

“Why do I think so little of everyone?  It’s not everyone I think so little of.  It’s God I think so little of.  Yes, people might behave that way, and I don’t like it, and I don’t want it, but none of this would have happened if he had just minded his own business and not put me in this situation in the first place!  People are going to be people.  I don’t like how they might treat me, and maybe I do think little of them in that way, but why in ever loving heck would I go back to a place that worships a God that has done nothing at all but screw me all throughout my life?  I lost my birth mother because of a hurricane, and other things, I lost all my memories because of some kind of divine event because my adoptive parents were idiots, and now I’ve got some kind of gift that will do nothing at all but drive a wedge between me and everyone who knows I have it?  Why would I go back there?” I almost sneered.  Dang it, where was all this coming from? “Maybe he’s done some good stuff for me.  I did find Dave and Sabby after all.  But at the end of the day, I am who I am in spite of him, not because of him.  So… tell me.  Why should I go back there?”  I almost yelled the last bit.  The silence afterwards was deafening.  Sabby looked like she wanted to say something but thought better of it.

She knows I can go off on her too.  It doesn’t happen often, but it does happen sometimes.

I…  didn’t even really know I felt that way.  Not really.

The room was quiet for a minute.

Then he spoke.

“Because he’s all we have,” he said quietly.  “He’s all we have, and as much as he might screw us, or as much as he might be blamed for bad things happening…  without him, what would we have?  We’d be nothing more than animals, slaves to our baser nature, doing nothing but scavenging for food and trying to find meaning an an empty life where there really isn’t any.  He’s all we have, Lily.  Don’t throw him out because you feel like he screwed you.” He sighed.  “Maybe he did, at that.  I can’t really speak for him, and you sure have had your share of traumas.  Maybe the only reason you’re as well adjusted as you are, is that you can’t remember any of it.”  He sighed.  “I’m not a therapist.  I’m just a pastor.  I don’t have all the answers.  But give us a chance.  If we…  treat you like you think we might, then I won’t blame you if you never come back.”

I was quiet.  I didn’t have anything more to say.

He stood up.  “I guess I’ll take my leave now.  You’re welcome back when you decide to.  I hope you don’t stay away forever.”  He said his goodbyes and left.

Sabby gave me a look.  “Did you mean all of that?”

“Have you ever known me to lie, Sabby?”

She shook her head.  “I haven’t.  I don’t know if you even know how to lie.”  She sighed softly.  “I can’t really blame you, I guess.”  She wiped a tear from her eye.  “But it makes me sad.  I hurt for you, sometimes.  Don’t hate me for that.”  And before I could answer, she stood up and went to her room.  Then I heard the bathwater running.

Remember how I said I’d never seen Sabby depressed?

Well…

But nothing to be done.  Can’t be helped.

I don’t hate her, though.  I could never hate her.  I guess I’ll go get her a chocolate milkshake.

I was going to go out with Jack tonight until the pastor showed up.  I guess…  we’ll do it sometime this week.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Today there was an eclipse!!!

But it was an annular eclipse.  No one got actually dark, though the sky did get really dim.  Dave got some of those eclipse glasses for us, and we sat outside staring at the sun and watching the moon take a huge bite out of it.  It was pretty cool.  I guess the last one was in 2017, and… well…  I was still Yuriko then.

It’s amazing how much light the sun gives off even when there’s only like ten percent of it showing.

Anyway… I didn’t post yesterday.  Honestly, I haven’t posted on Friday nights very much, but that’s because that’s usually the night when we girls spend all our time together, and while sometimes I can post, girl time is more important.  Besides, I can tell you everything I want the next day, right?  Last night we all went over to the shop, which is ready for its grand opening this weekend, and Dave and team did a great job!!!  There’s a stage where a blank wall used to be, and it has all sorts of musical stuff, like amps, etc., and there’s even a lighting rig.  David might have a job, too…  we need someone to operate all the stuff!  You know, a PA-san of our own.  He actually seems excited to do that and spent some time just playing with all the sliders and stuff.  Sabby promised to pay him in game credits and stuff if he does… and to take away his games if he doesn’t.  “Time to do something to pull your weight,” she said.  Guess she made him an offer he can’t refuse.  That’s my Sabby.  Remember when she threatened to hogtie beth and drag her to the homeless shelter?  That’s how she met Crystal, so Sabby’s not often wrong, anyway.

So Yuki stood up on stage and we piped in an “off-vocal” youtube video of one of her songs and she nailed it.  Singing and dancing, and a lot of the girls were just standing there open-mouthed.  They’d never seen her in her natural habitat before, and her aura…  it’s amazing.  She had everyone eating out of the palm of her hand, and she wasn’t even trying.  I guess…  when you’ve been trained in something, and you’re famous across an entire country for it, you’re going to know a few things.  After all that, we stuffed her with some of the leftover sweets we’d probably just have to toss out anyway, and chatted for a while.  The shop has a whole different atmosphere now, and I actually like it.

Then we all went up and sang some karaoke.  That’s not necessarily something we’ll offer, but it’s nice to know we can if we want.  Dave even set up a projector!  Beth sings pretty well – her lessons have been helping.  Diana just sang some random Mexican song that sounds pretty good but no one understood.  Sabby sang some older person’s song but it turns out she’s not a bad singer.  Dave just flat out refused.  Haha!  Crystal… well, girl tried.  Liz refused too, but said she’ll bring her violin someday. I…  I tried to sing “idol”.  It wasn’t great, but of all of us, only Yuki can speak Japanese better, so I kinda pulled it off.  Then Yuki went up and… did it right.  Hahaha!  She’s actually not bad, though songs like that aren’t her specialty.

Anyway, it was lots of fun.  We should do that again sometime.

Anyway, we all went home, and were kind of wires, so we ate chocolate and watched anime until we couldn’t keep our eyes open, then went to sleep.

Other than the eclipse, today was pretty boring.  It was so nice outside though.  We all took Marie for a walk, and went over to the park and just threw stuff and let Marie catch it.  Then we all just kinda flopped over and let the cool air ruffle our hair.  What a nice way to spend an afternoon.  It’s nice that it’s not hot anymore.  Tonight’s low might be in the 40s, believe it or not!!!

The shop’s soft grand reopening was today, but we’re already working on a concert-ish thing by Yuki.  She can’t use her old group’s songs for copyright reasons, but…  we’ll figure something out.  Maybe I’ll try my hand at writing something.

Anyway…  I’m sleepy.  It was a pretty nice day but even nice days can be tiring.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Am I really feeling better?  I don’t know.  Maybe I am?  At least I’m not staring at a wall anymore.  There’s really only so long you can stay really depressed before just the depression itself becomes exhausting, isn’t it?

That’s really something I miss about Japan.  Say what you will about some things, some very nice shrines with beautiful, well taken care of gardens are always a short train ride away, and you can put on a yukata or kimono, and go down to one, and sit on a bench and listen to the birds, crickets, and cicadas, watch the colorful fishes swimming around, and if you feel like it, get a fortune and ring the bell and clap…  but there’s nothing like that here, in Texas.  Just suburban houses and dead or dying grass and flat land as far as the eye can see… I guess Lake Travis is something, but not a whole lot.  Not like Japan.

I don’t hate it here… it’s my home.  But…  it’s not Japan in that way.  There’s a lot less natural peace to be found here.  Though sometimes it’s funny when I go to the grocery store and see lots of really dumb birds hanging around the parking lot and barely avoiding getting run over.

Is it really fair that I got depressed?  I mean there’s stuff going on in the middle east right now that makes my life seem like an idyllic paradise.  But sometimes I guess you can’t help how you feel, right?  I mean, you can lecture someone till you’re blue in the face about how they should be feeling this and shouldn’t be feeling that, but at the end of the day, they’re going to feel what they feel and not feel what they don’t feel and no amount of guilt or shame or yelling or pleading or bullying is going to change that.  That’s like life 101.  Human moods are relative, not absolute.  Right?

Well… in other news.

The store is almost completely remodeled. Dave and David work fast, and it didn’t hurt that Dave pulled in some of his workers to get it done faster, and also most of the stuff we did is freestanding or superficial.  Like, we didn’t really have to redo the floors or ceilings or anything, we just built a stage and wired in some musical stuffs.  I think we’ll be doing another grand opening this weekend, and Yuki’s our headliner.  But now we’re doing live music too, and…  we’re going to have to find acts.  Or make our own, I guess.

Also, Rebecca is settling in in her new house.  At least the weather’s nice.  She’s not used to suburban Texas, it’s very different from California, but she seems to like it, and she’s already started going to school and making some new friends.  I guess the new girl from California is always going to be popular!  Well, with some people.  Sometimes Texans don’t like Californians, but I’m sure she’ll grow on them.  She’s not really out there or anything.  Just a normal California girl.

Her friends miss her, but we’re still getting on zoom calls, and still lots of fun to be had.  I guess they just have to do their shopping trips by themselves now.

I’m trying to round the girls up for a trip up there in a couple of weeks.  That should be fun.  I guess it’s up to the parents of everyone but Liz and Yuki, though, whether they’re allowed to go.  It’s a pretty long trip.

Yuki hasn’t been to Dallas yet, so she’s looking forward to that.

Dave is putting up the Halloween decorations this weekend, too.  The safety ladder arrived.  Maybe he’ll stay on it.

Marie wants to go out before bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Umm…  why is life like this?

Life is so full of wonderful highs, and crushing lows, and the worst thing is sometimes those come from exactly the same event.

I remember when I first met Jack.  It was in Orlando, and I was attracted to him at first sight.  It was actually a little maddening, I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t felt the same way about me.  Every glance, every little touch, it drove me absolutely nuts, and I’d never experienced something like that before.  He had the power to completely fell me with a word.  He still does.  I’m not going to talk like some lovestruck teenager and say I’d follow him anywhere or anything like that…  but he has a lot of power over me, and sometimes I don’t even know if he realizes it.  Maybe he does.  The power doesn’t come from anything bad…  I just love him.  Isn’t that kind of what love is?  A little, anyway.  When you give someone your heart so completely that they could crush it, and you allow them that power, because the only way you can express it is to give them your heart for safekeeping, and trust that they’ll put it in a little velvet box and store it somewhere safe and climate-controlled and sometimes take it out and just gaze at it…  maybe feed it some chocolate.  Do hearts eat chocolate?

But sometimes life goes in, guns a-blazing, and steals that box with your heart in it, and then crushes it right in front of both of you, and neither can really do anything about it, because that’s just how life works.  Isn’t it?

Yuki is over tonight.  She knows something’s wrong but she’s not prying.  Thankfully.  Liz actually really annoyed me last night.  I still love her, she’s my best friend, but when she’s actively trying to get me to cry like that, it just pisses me off.  Thankfully, she backed off and fed me chocolate.  Good Liz.

You know how they say “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”?  “They” are full of crap.

I guess…  no matter what happens, I’ve still got at least a few months with him.  Might as well make the best of it.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I’m… still depressed.

I did my classes and homework and everything today, but I feel like a dried out husk that could get blown away if a gust of wind comes along.

Sabby got a little upset with me about it.  I don’t care.  I’ve seen her a lot of ways, but never depressed.  Or at least not that she’s shown me.  Maybe she doesn’t understand.  Maybe she does.  Whatever.

I know I’m just eighteen and that there could be many “fish in the sea”.  I’m pretty cute and have a nice body and I bet I could attract any man I really wanted – but I want Jack!  I wanted him ever since the first time I laid eyes on him, and I want him now!  How am I supposed to just turn that off?

Shikataganai I guess.  Can’t be helped.

The only thing I think Sabby was maybe right about is that it would be months before I have to really really choose, and a lot of things can happen before now and then.  But that doesn’t really matter, does it?

Maybe I just need to go shopping and buy some cute shoes.  Retail therapy does work… sometimes.  Maybe not now, but at least it would be a good distraction, right?

Liz is a little worried, too.  She’s over now.  I think she’s trying to get me to cry.  It’s annoying…  but bless her anyway.  Maybe she’s right after all.

Love you all!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I’m depressed.

I’ve been depressed all day yesterday and all day today.

Not even chocolate fixed it.  And chocolate fixes everything.  Sabby bought me a chocolate milkshake, which was nice of her.  Of course I drank it – maybe chocolate doesn’t fix this, but not drinking chocolate isn’t really an option, is it?

It’s…  like all of the color in the world just disappeared, for me.  I went outside and the sky is this awful shade of blue and everything’s this sickly yellow, and…  at least the air still feels kind of nice, so there’s that.  It’s not 100 degrees anymore, anyway.  Small favors, I guess.

It’s not Jack’s fault.  None of this is his fault.  If there’s blame, it’s on both of us.  It’s not like I didn’t agree to be his girlfriend, is it?

I slept most of the day.  I’m going back to sleep.

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

OMG the weather was so nice today!  It was low 70s and breezy.  I said we were going to go out and do stuff… but it was even better than that!!! We got everyone together and had a party!  Well… sort of a party.  An outdoor party!  We took over a park, and played outdoor games like frisbee and volleyball and stuffs, and then Dave and Jack’s and Liz’s parents grilled!!!  It was the best!!!

It was kind of bittersweet though, in a way.

Jack and I had a chance to sit down and talk for a while.  We haven’t really done that in a long time.  It was perfect… and it wasn’t perfect.  All at the same time.

He’s…  nervous about us.  And…  I don’t think I really blame him.

I’m nervous about us too.

I love the boy.  I really do.  He’s maybe the best thing to happen to me, since.. since… well, a lot.  I met him two years ago and he’s been great.  He’s always treated me well, we’ve never really fought (though we do sometimes annoy each other, but Sabby says that’s pretty normal, Dave annoys her all the time), he’s…  taken care of me in a lot of other ways too (BLUSH) but…  but…  it feels like adulthood is racing at us like a freight train… and how will we survive it?  How???

I mean, I want to go to school in Japan.  It’s not just because it’s Japan, it’s because that’s where half of my heritage is.  I went to Japan before the… umm… event, and I don’t remember it at all!  Is it fair to take that away from me?  Well… it’s not.

It’s not fair at all.

But it’s also not fair to him to go off to a place where he can’t really follow, for years, and then come back and say “ta-da!  Let’s start again where we left off!” and then just expect him to say “Welcome back!  Let’s get married and have kids!!!”  It’s not fair to him!  It’s not!!! And I know it isn’t!

If we’re going to stay together, I may have to forego a dream.

But that might not work either.  I mean, would I resent him for it?  Would I go through the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I went to school in Japan?  Would I look at him every night and see the man who I gave up my dreams for… the man who destroyed my dreams?

None of this would be news to him, by the way.  We discussed all of this.  It took a couple of hours.

One of us is going to have to make a very huge super mega mechakucha sacrifice and it’s not at all fair to either of us.

I don’t know what to do, and neither does he.

I guess it comes down to who gets to make the sacrifice…  or if either of us is willing to.

If we’re looking at it objectively, I guess…  he would be sacrificing “less”, I suppose.  I’d be sacrificing something that cannot ever be replaced.  He’d be sacrificing a few years with me at ready access, but…  I’d be back eventually and we could pick up where we left off.  But four years apart most of the time is asking an awful lot.  And that shouldn’t be a part of the equation anyway.

It’s not fair!  It’s not fair!!!

IT’S NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!!!

I won’t lie.  I cried today.  He comforted me the best he could…  but what could he say?  It’ll be alright?  He never lies to me.  He didn’t this time.  He didn’t say that.

I almost wish he had.

I wanna cry some more.

I hate being an adult.  Not if it means you have to hurt people, or people have to hurt you, and especially when it’s really no one’s fault and it’s just how things are.

Sabby tried to warn me.  About everything.  I didn’t listen.  I couldn’t listen.  I…  I…

I…