Category: Diary

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So this morning we checked out of the hotel and came home.  I didn’t spend any time in the pool.  I love the pool!  But we were there on business, kind of.  And we had to get home so I could do school.  We didn’t talk much in the car, though.  She drove and I just kind of dozed.

But my heart wasn’t in school today.

It was an okay time last night.  I cleared the air with Bill, and Emiko showed me how to wear kimono.  Aika and Mika were nice, and everyone was as nice as I could expect.

But can a girl have too much family?  Is Emiko even my family?  I mean, she’s my birth mother, and she’s trying, but is she even mine anymore?  Am I even hers?

Anyway, after school I had more driving, and this time she took me to a course and we practiced parallel parking (who even does that anymore?) and regular parking and obstacle avoidance and all that kind of thing.  It was a bit more exhausting than freeway driving, but I guess I need to know it.  She says I’m doing really well.

After I got home, I found out Sabby had made cookies.  But this time only a tray.  They were still warm and gooey from the oven, and she sat me down and gave me a couple with some chocolate milk.

“Are you okay?,” she asked.

“Why?”

“Last night seemed hard.”

“It was.”

“You don’t have to…”, she said, the last words left unsaid.

I frowned.  “She’s trying,” I said.  “And I wanted to know.”  I took a bite of the cookie.  It was very good.  And made a bit of a mess on my fingers.

“I don’t want you to get hurt,” she said softly.

“Bit late for that, don’t you think?,” I said, with just a touch of bitterness.  “That ship sailed sixteen years ago.”

She was quiet.  “What are you going to do?”

I shrugged.  “Get over it, I guess.  Nothing to be done now.  And I don’t want to lose touch with my only link…  to who I am.”

She sighed.  “I’m here if you need me.”

“Sabby?”

“Yes, Lily?”

I lowered my head.  “Who am I?”

She lifted my chin with her finger.  “My daughter.”

I lowered my head again, and the tears started to flow.

“Oh Lily,” she said, softly.

“I love you,” I said, “But I wish I could love Emiko too.”

“Maybe you will, in time,” she said.  “But don’t push it.  Just get to know her.”

“I don’t even know why I’m crying,” I said.

“You don’t have to,” she said.  “Just get it out.”

I think…  I think sometimes I think about what might have been, and maybe I’d have my memory and everything would be perfect, if Emiko hadn’t been so selfish.  And it does hurt.  It hurts that she gave me up.  On purpose.

But what’s there to do?  As she said, the past is done.  Life is what it is.  And at least she’s trying.  And my life is pretty good now.  Would it have been as good if she’d kept me?  Maybe, or maybe not.  But I wish I knew.  Maybe I’d remember what it was like to be a little girl.  Maybe I’d remember riding a little bike or playing with dolls or…  or being sang to sleep?  I wonder if Emiko sang Japanese songs to Aika and Mika when they were younger.

It doesn’t bother me most of the time.  But tonight, it bothers me.  Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m sitting in a hotel room with Sabby, we’re going to drive back in the morning.  It was a tough night.  I mean, it was nice in some ways, but tough.

The good:  I got to drive a lot!  We took a state route down to Columbus (not the same Columbus as to where Jack lives) then took the freeway into Houston.  Man, those freeways are soooooo wide!  Sabby made me pull over before we entered the city and switched drivers. I was okay with that.  So many people!  Houston is huge!!!

We got to the hotel and checked in, and I changed into something a little nicer – then we went over to Emiko’s house.

They live in a nice area, I think.  A nice suburban house, on a nice, quiet street.  Kind of like mine.  We want to the door and knocked, and Emiko seemed happy to see me, but a little reserved.  We made small talk for a little bit. Mika and Aika came down, and I greeted them.  Dinner was ready, so we sat down to eat.

The conversation was pleasant, but a little strained.  Her husband still seemed like he didn’t like me much.  Sabby and I exchanged glances.  After dinner we sat down in the living room, and I just came right out and said it.

“You don’t like me much, do you?,” I asked.

He sighed.  “It’s not you,” he said.  “I didn’t even know you existed.  I didn’t know Emiko had had a baby, I knew absolutely nothing about any of that.  And then one morning we got a call, and everything… just changed.  I was angry.  I’m still not happy.  I had a family, a family I loved, no surprises, and then… you showed up.”

“I didn’t have anything to do with any of that!,” I said.  “All I ever did was exist!”

“I know that!,” he said, a little loudly.  “It’s not your fault, but you’re still here, and I don’t know what to do with you!  You’re not my daughter!  You’re Emiko’s daughter!”

Emiko looked a little unhappy, but she sat quietly.

“I’m not your daughter,” I said quietly.  “I have a family now.  They’re all the family I could have ever wanted.  I didn’t know about Emiko either.  I found out when you did.  But… but she’s trying.  She abandoned me, but she’s trying.  Don’t mess that up.  Please.”

Emiko spoke up.  “She’s not your daughter, Bill, and she knows that.  But she’s my daughter.  There wasn’t day that went by that I didn’t wonder what happened to her, how she was, whether she was happy.  You’ve had plenty of time to tell me how awful I was.  I know how awful I was.  I wish I’d never left her.  But the past is gone now.  Don’t hold that against her.”

He sighed.  “I still don’t like it.  But all this was decided sixteen years ago.  I’ll try.”

“If it helps, Sabby here likes to make cookies.”

Sabby snickered.  He looked puzzled.

“I mean really likes to make cookies.  She made so many cookies over Christmas that we ended up filling the back of our SUV with cookies and taking them to church, and we still had some left over, and we ended up taking them to the homeless shelter.”

Bill blink-blinked.  If there’d been a cartoon sound effect, it would have been the blink-blink sound effect.

“She made buckeyes, and sugar cookies, and snickerdoodles, and fudge cookies, and brownies, and gingerbread cookies, and Christmas cookies…  it was like a cookie explosion in our kitchen.  Cookies everywhere!  And family gets cookies.  You want cookies, right?”

He smirked.  “Are you trying to bribe me with cookies?”

“Is it working?,” Sabby asked, her face the picture of innocence.

He deflated.  “Better than you think,” he said, with a smirk on his face.  “I just have to not get in the way, and I get cookies?”  There was a teasing tone in his voice, though.

“Well, we’re trying to keep Sabby from going on a cookie binge like that again, but honestly, we know it’ll happen.  And when it does, we’ll include you.  Deal?”

“Well…  who can turn down a deal like that,” he said.  “Alright.  I still don’t like it.  But you seem like a good kid.  I’ll give you a chance.”

“How about you just decide how you feel about me based on who I am, not on what Emiko did?”

He nodded.  “Were you exaggerating about the cookies?”

I giggled.  “Actually, no.  I was playing it down.  We gave like ten plates to my best friend’s family too.  And my boyfriend’s family.  And that barely made a dent in the cookie stash.”

“You know, Emiko here is a great cook, but she never figured out cookies.  You mind teaching her?”

“If she wants to learn.”  Emiko nodded.  “Then sure.”

“Thank you for the kimono,” I said, changing the subject.  “Emiko, can you teach me how to wear it?”

Her eyes lit up, and we got the kimono and went upstairs.  She fussed and fiddled and wrapped and adjusted and… OMG I look so Japanese!  I went downstairs, and Sabby just had to take a photo!  Or ten!  One’s gonna go to Jack!  Aika and Mika and Emiko put on their kimono too and we took a group picture!  Bill politely demurred.  He said “I’ll keep my promise, but I’m not related.  The rest of you are.  I’ll take the photo.”  And he did.

Emiko seemed sooo happy when she was dressing me!  It was like she got to be my mother for just a little while!  I was okay with that.  After all, I got to learn to wear kimono!

“Tell me about your boyfriend,” Emiko said.  And I gushed and gushed.  She just smirked.

We chatted for a while (Bill’s actually really smart, just a bit standoffish sometimes), and then we headed back to the hotel, where I am now.  I still don’t know how to feel about Bill.  He doesn’t know how to feel about me, either.  But maybe it’ll work out.  It’s not my fault.  None of it’s my fault.

Love you all!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Today was boring!  Boringly boring!  But I like boring!  boring is better than all sorts of drama!  And we might have that drama tomorrow!  I hope not!!!

Dave put his sign up in the garage, right over his workbench.  He’s really proud of it!  Sabby keeps giving me the stinkeye over it.  Finally I said “Sabby, if you hate that present so much, you shouldn’t have let me buy it.”

She sighed.  “I do hate it.  It’s awful.  But it’s between you and Dave.  It’s not going in the house, but…  if Dave likes it, and you wanted to buy it for him…”  She frowned.  “I do hate it though.”

“Why?”

‘It’s… ugly.  And flashy.  And gaudy.  And…”

“And it’s something that Dave doesn’t need at all.”

“I don’t understand men sometimes,” she deflated.  “They seem to like shiny and flashy and pretty things, but they have to be manly.  Can’t have pink or flowers or bows or anything like that, but give them glossy and bright and they’re all over it.”

“We should count ourselves lucky they like pretty things.”

“I suppose,” she sighed.  “I still don’t get it though.”

“And you think they understand why we get our nails done?”

“That’s different!”

“Is it really?  It’s a waste of money because they grow out anyway, and men barely even notice.”

“I hate it when you’re right, Lily,” she pouted.

“I dunno,” I said, play-thinking.  “I kinda like it.”

“Let’s go make sure the car’s all gassed up for tomorrow,” she said.  “You drive.”

So I learned how to pump gas.

Later this evening Dave grilled.  Did I mention I love it when Dave grills?  Oh yum!!!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily! 

And it’s Dave’s birthday!  Both Sabby’s and Dave’s birthdays were on a Friday!  How does that work???

So after school I had another driving lesson, and plugged around town again.  This time we drove into the city, and I stayed on the freeway!  Sooo many cars!  Especially at rush hour!  Everything slowed down!  I got practice in stop and go traffic!  You really have to pay attention!  But after the instructor was hungry, so she had me stop at a burger place, and bought me one too!  That’s sooo nice of her!  We talked a little while we ate, and then drove back!  Those interchanges are soooo high!  You have to be so careful!

But it’s good practice!

Then we spent a little time practicing parking!

After I got home, we had dinner, and then threw Dave a party!  There was cake (chocolate!!!  Did I mention I love chocolate???) and presents and everything!  He loved my present!  Apparently the way to a man’s heart is to give him shiny, gaudy stuff!!!  Sabby just facepalmed.  Of course he liked everyone else’s too, but you should have seen his eyes light up when he plugged it in, and not just from the reflection!  That’s going in his man-cave!  And Sabby said it can stay there.  She gave me the stinkeye, but you could tell she was happy that Dave was happy.  I seem to be good at gift-giving!  I think the secret is to think about what to get them, and not just to pick something at random.  If you’re doing to do that then you might as well not!

I don’t have driving lessons over the weekend, and I’m going to see Emiko and her family Sunday afternoon.  I’m not looking forward to seeing her husband.  But the conversation must be had.  You know, I love Sabby and Dave and Beth and David.  But I’m a little sad too.  That should have been my family.  It’s not fair that her husband doesn’t like me!  I didn’t do anything!  I just existed!

Sigh.  Happy thoughts, Lily.

Oh, speaking of happy thoughts!  I know when Allison’s birthday is now!!!  Hee hee!  I have an idea or two.  Maybe more books?  I dunno!  We’ll see!!!  I see her in a week!  I can’t wait!  I miss her!  Maybe she’ll bring a book and I can read to her!  Even though she’s plenty good at reading herself, isn’t it nice sometimes just to have someone read to you?

Sabby and Dave went to bed early.  I guess Dave gets an, erm, extra present too.  Time to do some hair brushing!!!  Karen-wrangling tomorrow!!!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Scared Lily!!!

So today after school I did the second day of practical driving lessons!  It was scary!  The instructor taught me how to change lanes and use the slip ramps!  I got on the freeway!  I got right off again on the next exit, but it was still sooooo scary!  All the cars zooming around next to me and ahead of me and behind me!  My knuckles were white!!!

I think the instructor’s were, too!

But I’m safe!!

It’s soooo different driving at 70 when I’m the one driving!  When Sabby’s driving I just kind of zone out and don’t notice anything, but when I’m driving, everyone’s zooming around and honking and passing and not passing and slowing down and changing lanes and soooo much stuff all happens at once!  How do people do it!

I’m glad I have that sticker that says “Student Driver – Be afraid!”  At least people know I might be unpredictable.  Actually, on the instructor’s car, there’s a big yellow sign all across the back!

But I’m glad to be learning it!

I’m tired, though!  It was scary!

Beth is a little jealous, but Sabby nipped that one in the bud right away.  There are some things that it’s understandable that Beth’s a bit jealous about.  Driving isn’t one of them.  She’s fourteen.  She’ll get to drive when she’s sixteen.  But until then, that’s one of those things that she just needs to accept as a fact of life.  I get to drive, she doesn’t.  I think sometimes she’s a little upset deep inside that she used to be the oldest, and now isn’t, but like I’ve told her before, there’s nothing to be done about that.  I didn’t choose my birthdate!  Not even when I didn’t know what it was, did I get to choose it!

My car runs really good though!  I’ve been making sure it’s not leaking anything, but so far seems to be holding up just fine!  After my lesson, Sabby and I went to the store!  I drove!  I need the practice parking anyway!

Jack’s been learning too.  Apparently the drivers are a bit crazier here than in Ohio, but he had a similar experience.  Their freeways are different though.  They don’t have frontage roads and slip ramps.  How does that work?  I guess I’ll find out someday!  He and I still talk every night.  I miss him.  But I’m kind of glad we’re apart.  It makes us talk instead of spending all our time kissing!  He’s a good kisser but it’s not good if that’s all we do!

He asked me what I want to do when I grow up.  I don’t know.  I really don’t.  I haven’t thought that far.  I have enough money to pay for college, but is that what I want to do?  What are other things I can do?  I have to think about it.  Jack thinks I could write a book.  Maybe I could.  But is that something I need to do right away?

And I don’t think he knows what he wants to do, either.  He likes computers but isn’t great at them.  He gets okay grades in school but isn’t a genius.  I don’t think he really knows what he’s good at.  I guess he has a little time to figure it out.

We both do, I guess.

Anyway, time for hair brushing and bed!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So I passed my written tests!  Yay!  One of the questions was “What does a yellow light mean?”  Multiple choice was a) slow down, then proceed, b) stop if possible, proceed if too close to the light, c) floor it, or d) talk slower.  I wonder if Ashlee got it.

So after school they came by with a car and I had my first lesson!  There’s sooooo much to know!  I actually got on the frontage road!  Soooo many cars going sooooo fast!  But I did it!  I just went to the next main street and went in a looong loop around the city, but I did well!  The instructor told me I’d be on the freeway before the lessons ended, but I wasn’t ready yet.  I agree!  I’m not ready!

This weekend I’m going to Houston to see Emiko and her family.  I’m honestly not too looking forward to that, but I’ve got to do it eventually.  I’m going to leave after work with Sabby, we’ll have dinner, stay overnight in a hotel, and come home Monday morning!  Maybe she’ll let me drive some of it!  There’s a lot of two lane road and interstate driving!  But we’ll see!

Sooo…  what else.  It’s been boring.  Boringly boring.  Oh, Allison might be coming over soon!  We’re not sure, but after the scare with the virus, her parents want to take a little time to themselves.  Sabby said we’d be glad to take her for a weekend, just not this weekend.  It’ll be fun!  Allison is a cool kid!  We’ll tell stories and play games and she can read!  She loves reading!

I’m tired!  It’s time for bed!  I’ll write again tomorrow!  With more driving time!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Dave has a saying:  think about how dumb the average person is, and then realize that 50% of the people are dumber than that.

I asked Ashley if the name “Jim Ignatowsky” meant anything to her.  She just virtually looked at me funny.   “No, why?”

She wasn’t pranking.  She truly didn’t know what a yellow light meant and just kept slowing down asking.

OMG.

Beth is smart.  Liz is smart.  Jack is pretty smart.  David is smart.  Even Allison is pretty smart.  Grace is smart.  Ashlee… well, bless her heart, as they say here.  I hope they don’t make me drive with her, the teacher might yell “STOP” and she’ll stop talking.  Oh well.

We had another written class today and they taught us the basics of how to maintain a car.  You know, change the oil, make sure the tires have air in them, check the fluids, etc.  They also told us what to do when a tire blows out.  I already knew what to do because Dave taught me.  Ashlee said “oh I know what to do!  I’ll press the little onstar button and someone will come and help me!”

“But what if onstar doesn’t work?”

“Then I’ll stand outside and show a little leg!  Someone will help me!”

I literally heard the instructor facepalm.  “Ashlee…  don’t.  Just…   don’t.”

“Why not?”

“Ask your parents.”

“My mom does that all the time!”

Oh.  That explained everything.

I’m sure she’s a nice girl.  She seems sweet.  She also seems like she’d lose an IQ contest to a rock.

Anyway, I passed all my tests.  They weren’t that hard.  Tomorrow they’ll come by with a car and I’ll practice driving for real!  These lessons will last for a couple of weeks!  Maybe they’ll let me drive on the freeway!

Do I want to drive on the freeway?

And guess what!  Leftover pizza for lunch!  OMG I love leftover pizza!

Jack’s going to take his driving lessons soon too!  Maybe we’ll drive up and see each other!!!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

OMG I’m shaking my head!

So I went to driving class tonight.  Because of the virus, they’re doing it a little differently, I guess.  The class itself is over zoom, and then they’ll come over with a car to do the one on one lessons.  Today was the zoom class.  I learned a lot!  There’s all sorts of signs and laws and different things you have to know!

Like right pedal go, left pedal stop!

There was one girl, though, well, I’m not sure how she manages to tie her shoes in the morning!  Maybe she wears heels! Perfect hair, perfect makeup, and dumb as a rock!  When they asked if there were any questions, she virtually raised her hand.

“What does a yellow light mean?”

“Slow down,” the instructor said.”

“okay,” she said, her brows furrowed.  “What…. does…. a…. yellow… light… mean?”

“It means slow down!”

“Whaaaaaaaaat…”

The instructor facepalmed and muted her.  “Ashlee”, she said, “Listen to me.  When you see a yellow light, it means that it’s about to turn red.  If you can stop safely, do it.”

“OHHHHHHHHHHH”, you could see her say, even though she was still muted.

People tell me I’m smart.  I didn’t think I was.  Now I’m not so sure.

I told Sabby what happened after the class, and she fell over laughing.  “Lily,” she said, wheezing, “that was a skit on an old comedy show.”

“Then…  she was playing a prank?”

Sabby shrugged.  “Maybe.  Probably not.  But for people my age, that’s the funniest thing ever.”  She went back to giggling.  “What does a yellow light mean…”, she said, shaking her head.

I looked it up on YouTube.  Dangit, she was right.  It was a hilarious skit.  And I’m still not sure if Ashlee was really that dumb or playing a prank on the instructor.  Maybe I’ll ask her tomorrow.

Either way, I learned a lot.  A couple more days of written instruction, and then I get practical!  Yaaay!!!!!

Sabby ordered pizza tonight!  I LOVE PIZZA!!! It’s almost as good as chocolate!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Your favorite sixteen year old Lily!  At least if you’re Jack.

It was a pretty quiet day today.  Stayed up a little too late last night but ended up in a girl-pile at a decent time.  Woke up to Liz splayed over me like a stretched out cat and Beth with her arm under my nose.  At least she doesn’t smell.  She does snore.  They’re warm, though.  I like the warmth.

Of course I worked today, like I do every Sunday.  They closed church again for a little while while this run of the virus runs its course, so Sabby made a big breakfast.  I didn’t eat too much, but I couldn’t say no to a couple of chocolate pancakes.  It’s been nice outside, a little cloudy but a little cool, so my runs have been… cold.  But that’s the thing about running, you warm up.

I’m looking forward to driving school!  YAAAAY!!!  Sabby took me out to practice driving again.  She found this out of the way place where there aren’t many things to crash into, but I’m okay at it.  I’m not the greatest at following curves yet, and I’m not really all that good at paying attention to more than one thing, but as long as too much isn’t thrown at me at once, I’ve got this!

I’m scared to go on a major road, though!  So many cars!

I’ve been watching a few of those car repair channels on YouTube too.  Sooo complicated!  All these modules and wires and coils and complicated stuff that they seem to know about!  I asked Dave about it, and he said he’ll teach me if I want, but all I really have to know is, gas makes it go, oil makes it stay going, and everything else we’ll deal with as it comes up.  He did give me my own toolkit though!  I don’t know what to do with them!  There’s long tools, and short tools, and hammery tools, and sockety tools, and all sorts of little bits and bobs that I have no idea what goes where, but he said he’d teach me.  He said I don’t have to be an expert mechanic, but no daughter of his is going to turn 18 without knowing how to use a screwdriver or wrench.

It made me all warm inside.  Not even kidding.

Anyway, I’m going to bed.  Driving school tomorrow!  YAAAAY!!!  Regular school tomorrow too!  BOOOOO!!!

Love you all!!! ❤

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So this morning I worked.  Work work work work.  Just another day of stocking and selling horrifically unhealthy stuff to people who really want horrifically unhealthy stuff.  My work doesn’t change the world.  But I guess it keeps people fueled up to be able to get to Houston or Dallas or wherever it is they’re heading.

After I got home, Sabby took Beth, me, and David to the mall.  After all, Dave’s birthday is coming up, and it’s time to get him a present!  But I still didn’t know what to get him.  Sooo many shops at the mall, and it’s still really hard to figure out what to get him.  An electric tie-holder?  A hard-hat shiner?  I was soooo confused.  Finally I went to a place called “Cool and Eclectic” and found one of those fake neon signs for his “man-cave” (that’s what he calls the garage, the silly billy).  Oops.  I shouldn’t say that here.  Oh well, he doesn’t read this.  I thought being a guy he’d like shiny, lighty things.  Sabby sighed and told me that I was probably right, it was probably a good present, and damn it all.

I asked her if something’s wrong, and she said she knew she’d get tired of seeing it, and that he’d probably want another.  I just sighed and said he was hard to shop for, and if it was a good present I was getting it.  She looked resigned but agreed.

Beth got him some cologne from the bath and body place, and David went to Brookstone and got him something there too.  I asked Sabby what she was going to get him, and she said she ordered something off of Amazon.  I smacked my forehead and told Sabby that I need to open an Amazon account.  She told me that was a terrible idea because it was way too easy to spend too much, and the mall was a pretty good idea after all.

I agreed, and I still think it’s a good idea.  Maybe I will anyway.  It’ll make it easier to send Jack a present every now and then too.  I don’t think Sabby will die on that hill.

Speaking of Jack, I still need to figure out how to “get him back” for those chocolates.   Maybe it’ll have to wait till I see him next.  And Jack knows exactly what I mean by that.  💋

So, um…  Operation Buy Dave a Present accomplished.  I guess we just have to wait for his birthday now.  I told Sabby that she probably should lay off the cookies this time.  She looked a bit offended, but then deflated.  “I guess I did go a bit overboard, didn’t I?”

“Just a bit.  I think Liz’s family still has some frozen and they didn’t even get the worst of it.”

She sighed.  “I just…  it’s just how I tell everyone I love them.”

I hugged her.  “I know.  But we don’t need cookies to know that.”

So then we went to the food court and got some goodies after our shopping.  We got home and hid our presents so Dave didn’t see.  Dave was in a grilling mood so he made us a delicious dinner.  Liz came over and ate with us, and then she, Beth and I went up and played games and brushed each other’s hair.  She stayed the night, though we had to go to bed at a decent time.  I love it when Liz stays over.  It’s so much fun!

You know, a lot of stuff happened before Christmas.  A lot.  So much.  I learned who I was, I fell in love, I met my birth mother, I found out I had money…  and I really just like these quiet family days the best.

Love you all!!! ❤