Category: Diary

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Oh I forgot to mention we got storms the other night!  In the middle of the night!  But I slept right through and the temperature was so nice the next day!  My run went really well!!!

So the drama continues, but it seems to be heading towards a resolution.  I think sometimes it’s easy to forget that Beth is fourteen.  She has her mature moments, where she acts like an amazing young woman, but she also has her moments where she acts like a child too.  And I guess it’s normal to be a little jealous.  Particularly when a girl goes from being the oldest to being the middle child.  I think we all forget that that can’t be an easy adjustment.  I guess I’m the oldest now, but even though I’m a sister, I’m the older sister.  She’s used to being the older sister, I guess, and now she’s not.

But I don’t want to take her place!  I just want to be Lily!  And a Smith!  I don’t really care if I’m the older or the middle or the younger, I just like having a family!  But I ended up being the older, and what am I to do?  I can’t change any of it.

Beth was calmer today.  I guess the eruption last night spent a lot of the energy.  Sabby and Dave and Beth talked for a couple of hours.  She’s grounded right now – I guess you can’t almost come to blows with your mother without expecting some kind of consequences, but they’re pretty light considering.

Sabby came to talk to me afterwards.  She wasn’t upset, in fact she was smirking a bit.

“So….  Malicious Compliance, huh?”

“I have no idea what you could be talking about,” I tried to look innocent.

“‘She’s you’re daughter'”.

I sighed.  “Well, she is, Sabby.  You made that clear, and you were right.  I’m just sixteen.  I can’t be everyone’s rock all the time.”

She looked thoughtful.  “Is that how you feel?”

“Sometimes, yes.”

She frowned.  “I’ve been leaning on you too much.”

“No!  I… well… maybe a little.  I don’t mind that!  Really I don’t!  But I’m not your mother either.  You’re my mother.  Be my rock sometimes too!”

She hugged me.  “You’re right,” she said, sighing softly.  “I put too much on you sometimes.”

“Only sometimes,” I said.  “I love it when we spend time together!  And I love it when you share with me!  I…  I just want to share too.”

“What do you want to share?”

I frowned.  “Like this.”

She reached over and hugged me.  “I’m always your rock, Lily.  Always.”

I wiped away a tear and returned her hug.  “I know, Sabby.  And I’ll try to be there for you too.”

I withdrew.  “Is Beth ready to talk?”

“I think so.  Just… try to be understanding.”

“I will.  I know it can’t be easy to not be the oldest anymore.”

“Not be the oldest…  I never thought of that.  Why didn’t I think of that.  Lily, you did it again.”

“Did what?”, I asked, confused.

She ruffled my hair.  “Don’t change, Lily.  Don’t ever change.  Beth is still up if you want to talk to her.”

She left my room, and I walked over to Beth’s door and hesitantly knocked on it.  She told me to enter.  I opened it, slowly.  She was sitting on her bed reading a book.  What else would Beth do?

I sat on the side of her bed, but didn’t say anything.  I just kind of twiddled my thumbs.

“So…,” she said, quietly.

“Why were you angry?,” I asked, quietly.  “I didn’t ask for any of this.  I didn’t ask to lose my memory, or to be found, or to live here, or to be adopted, or to be invited on a vacation with Liz.  I didn’t ask for any of it.  I love that it happened, but…  but I didn’t do any of it!”

She put her book down and glomped me.  “I know, Lily.  I’m sorry.  I’m so sorry.”

“I missed you, sister.”

“I just…  I just get so jealous!  And upset!  Why do all the good things always happen to you?”

“Good things?  Happen to me???”  I chuckled darkly and disentangled myself from her.  “Are you listening to yourself, girl?  I’d trade it all for just one of your memories!”  I wiped a tear away.  “I don’t know what it’s like to be a little girl, or get my owies kissed, or play in a playground, or wear a pretty dress to church…  I don’t know any of it!  You made me your family and I made you mine, but I don’t know who they are!  Why do you think all the good things happen to me?  That’s not fair, Beth!”

I sniffled.  Beth handed me a tissue from the box on the nightstand.  I accepted it and honked.

She sighed.  “I know I wasn’t being fair.  But I couldn’t help it.”

“You feel what you feel.”

“What now?”, she asked quietly.

I kissed her forehead.  “You’ll always be my sister, Beth.  Always and forever.”

She accepted the kiss, and I tucked her into bed.  I turned out the light and closed the door.

And ran over to my room, and cried.

I really would trade everything for even a small amount of what she has.

Anyway, I think we’re okay for right now.  Sabby isn’t angry, Beth isn’t angry, we’ve talked a bit…  maybe the drama is over. For now.

Love you all!!! 

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I love Beth.  I’ve made that clear lately.  She’s smart, and pretty, and has a good heart.  But everyone has flaws, and I think Beth’s greatest flaw is her jealousy.  She gets jealous very easy, and wants to be the center of attention wherever she is, and gets frustrated and angry if that doesn’t happen.

I’m not telling you anything she wouldn’t admit herself, maybe with a little prodding, but it’s been making life very difficult in the Smith household over the past few days.  She actually blew up at Sabby!  She called Sabby a few choice words (for a fourteen year old, anyway), ran off to her room, and slammed the door. She wouldn’t answer when Sabby knocked, then yelled, and not even threats of grounding were working.  Finally she said that if Beth didn’t want to talk, fine, her internet access was revoked until she let Sabby in to talk to her.  Well, the door opened, and another round of screaming and invective started.  Beth is usually very even, but when she gets going, well, girl gots a temper!

Well, so does Sabby, and Dave had to intervene before it literally came to blows.  Neither were (figuratively for the moment, anyway) pulling any punches, and Sabby does not like to be talked back to.  Sabby kind of looked at me balefully as she stomped over to her room, and I shrugged.  “Your daughter,” I said, not without compassion, but as I said, I’m tired.  That seemed to enrage her more and she just stomped off to her bedroom, and soon I heard the bathwater running.

Guess I can’t blame her.  Nothing like a hot bath to calm a girl down.

A half hour later, she came out in her bathrobe and wet hair, visibly calmer, but still pretty hacked off.  I guess I don’t blame her, really.  Beth is kind of being unreasonable here, in my opinion.  BUT Sabby does have a temper, and sometimes when two people start arguing who both have a temper, well, immovable object, irresistible force, and all that.

Dave and Sabby are both in Beth’s room right now, trying to have a civil discussion with her.  I love Beth.  I really do.  She’s a good girl.  But I didn’t have anything to do with Liz’s problem, and I didn’t ask to be included on their vacation, and I am just along for the ride like everyone else.  I wonder if her not being allowed to go to the convenience store anymore and probably losing her friends has anything to do with it.  She never seemed to like them, but I guess sometimes having bad friends are better than no friends at all?  I dunno.  Some girls feel that way.

I am not this house’s rock.  I am just a sixteen year old girl, trying to make her way like everyone else.  Sometimes I know the right thing to say, and sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I just want someone to be my rock, you know?  Sabby is sometimes, Dave is sometimes, Beth is sometimes, and I don’t mind returning the favor, but Sabby was right.  Beth isn’t my daughter.  It’s her job to deal with Beth when she’s in this kind of mood.  Not mine.  I absolutely don’t mind helping where I can!  Don’t misunderstand me!  I love them all!!!  But…  Sabby was still right.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Love you all!!! 

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m tired.  I mean, I’m really tired.

I love Liz, and Beth, and Sabby, and Dave, and everyone, but sometimes it feels I’m just in a whirlwind of people being people and I’m just kind of along for the ride.  Sabby’s got her issues, now Liz and her parents have their issues, and now Beth.  I’m just sixteen.

Beth is a little upset and a little jealous.  On the one hand, I really don’t blame her!  Not at all!  She’s not really upset at me, but she’s upset anyway.  And while she’s my sister and I love her, I just can’t bring myself to try to resolve this one.  She’ll get over it or she won’t, but what am I to do, really?  I’m tired of making peace with everyone, especially for things I didn’t do.

I do miss her, though.

I found out that Liz and her parents are going to Disney World.  Over in Florida.  They’d considered Disneyland but they’re kind of being really sticklers about masks and vaccines and quarantines over in California right now, and no one feels like dealing with the hassle.  I’ve never been to Disney World!  I’ve never even been out of state!  I hear it’s really fun there!  More for children, but I never got to be a child, so… maybe?  I don’t know.  We’re going to stay in a nice hotel and go to the beach and all of the fun things people do at Disney World!  It’ll be a nice memory and I get to know Liz’s parents a bit better, so… win win?

I can’t help but feel a sense of…  I don’t know.  Something unresolved.  I don’t know why.  It’s not really bad, not an omen or anything, but I’m not used to this kind of feeling, and it makes me uncomfortable.

Anyway, gotta go!  I have schoolwork to do before bed.  Love you all!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily Lily!  LILY!

So what a weekend!  Other stuff happened too.  I went to work, I doot dooted, I rode Sabby’s bike, oh hey, I got paid too!  I didn’t tell you that I opened an account!  Sabby is teaching me how to manage money – I don’t have a lot, but what I do have is mine!  I need to take a driver’s education class soon!  My car is sitting there looking pretty, but I have to learn to drive it! I’ve been so busy!

Sabby and my little game with the money has kind of escalated – I put it in her purse, she puts it in mine, I put it in an ingredients jar in the kitchen – I’m pretty sure she’s about to go Claire Huxtable on me, but then I’ll find something different.  Hear that, Sabby?  You’ll never win!  Muahahahaha!!!!!

Who am I kidding.  She’ll win.  Shes a force of nature.  But I’m going to make her work for it!

I can just see her smirking now.  No, really, she’s standing at my door with a $20 bill, waving it around, and smirking.  I wonder where I’ll find it next.

So Sabby talked to Liz’s parents, and we’re going somewhere!  YAAAAAY!  YATTA!!! Liz is excited too!  You know, she’s a good girl, but she doesn’t have many friends – she spends all her time in classes and studying, and the time she spends with me and my family is really the only time she gets to decompress.  They told me they’ll tell me where they want to go soon, but it will be in the country, and they’ll pay for my airfare and everything!  AIRFARE!!! I GET TO RIDE ON A PLANE!!!!  OMG OMG!!!!

They’re going to schedule it for Thanksgiving so it’ll match with Liz’s school vacation, and I’ll talk to the owner to see if I can get the time to do that.  I think he will!  I’m a teenager!  These things happen!!!

Liz was positively burbling!  I’ve never seen her so happy!!!

Beth is a little jealous, I think she thinks that Liz is becoming another sister, and I told her that there’s lots of room for everyone!  Maybe she should think of it as kind of gaining another sister!  She seems unconvinced, but she’s not being mean or anything, she’s just acting a little… off.  I think it’ll be alright.  But I have to schedule some sister time with Beth soon.  It’s hard juggling all these things – Beth, Liz, work, school, even David – We still have to supervise him on his hour playing outside.  I don’t mind any of it!  But it’s tiring!  I see why Dave sometimes just plops over on the couch and zones out with his favorite show!

Oh, what is his favorite show?  He really likes the British panel shows.  He’s been really into a show called Taskmaster!  There’s this comically mean guy who makes people do silly things and then judges them for it!  It’s funny!  Not really my style, but I’ll watch it with him sometimes, and I do laugh.  The things those comedians do!  Mike Wozniak is an absolute casserole!  Bahahahaha!!!

We already know that Dave’s sense of humor is a bit more… slapstick?  I mean, he liked Airplane! and Blazing Saddles.  Remember that?  I still don’t get it.  Well, I do a little.  I see why he’d find it funny.  I do!  But I like things a little more… subtle.  But it’s fun watching him flop over, whooping with laughter as one of the comedians does something dumb.

Well, I have stuff to do!  Love you all!!! 

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  I have become death, destroyer of chocolate!!!

So obviously yesterday was very eventful.  I think we’ll be feeling ripples from this one for a long long time.  But I think good ripples.

So today after work Sabby invited Liz and her parents for dinner.  I think she’s decided that she’s going to be more involved in Liz’s life, at least as much as she can.  Her parents really aren’t bad people.  They’re very strict and very Chinese and their Chinese culture is very important to them, but they really do want what’s best for Liz.  It started out a little bit strained.  Sabby didn’t even try to make something Chinese, because, as she put it, “if I can’t get it right, and I’m trying to respect their culture, I’m just insulting them instead”, she made something that was vaguely Asian-like, but with an American twist to it.

Sabby doesn’t have any problem making food from other cultures.  She says that emulating other cultures is very tasty and makes for beautiful clothes and hairstyles.  But she also thinks there’s a time to get it right, and to know when you can’t.  This was one of those times.

Liz’s parents seemed to appreciate that.  “Most Americans don’t really know what Chinese food is,” her father said.  “We understand that.  But we appreciate the gesture of respect nonetheless, and this is delicious.  What is it?”

Sabby grinned.  “A seafood medley in a light umami sauce with rice.”

They had seconds.  In fact, they cleaned the dishes.  For dessert we had something with chocolate.  What was it?  I don’t know.  It had chocolate.

Afterwards, we retired to the living room and talked for a long time.  Liz’s parents are very private people, they don’t really like to expose their family’s goings-on to outsiders.  That’s why they reacted so badly to Sabby in the beginning.  But Liz having left overnight really shocked them – they didn’t think Liz had it in her.  They had to reflect deeply on how they had treated her, and it took them a while, but they started to see it from Liz’s point of view.  So when they came over that morning, they were truly repentant.  As Liz’s mother said, “we can be forgiven many errors.  We parented her the best way we knew.  As you say, we can’t be faulted for buying her things and making sure she is well-educated.  But that we didn’t know how… lonely and hurt she was.”  She sniffed.  “That’s unforgivable.”

“You can’t change the past,” I said, quietly.  They all turned to look at me, and I blushed a little.  “But the future isn’t written yet.  Nothing is unforgivable, given time.”

“We’re planning a vacation with Zhi Ruo soon, and we’d like to take Lily along.”

Sabby frowned.  “I appreciate that, but where?  And why?”

“Where?  We’re not sure yet.  But why?”  They looked at each other.  “Because Lily is Zhi Ruo’s best friend.  And since you’ve treated Zhi Ruo as you would your own daughter…  we’d like to return the favor.”

“Can we talk about this and give you an answer soon?”, Dave said quietly.

They nodded.  Liz didn’t look like she knew quite what to say or think, her face was a combination of elated, pensive, near tears, joyful…  all of these different emotions and more were warring, and finally she just settled for a kind of cautious happiness.  “I’d love to share it with you, Lily,” she said quietly.

Soon, they all left, after Liz hugged all of us.

“How do you feel about this?”, they asked me.

I thought.  “They’re trying.  And think about what they didn’t say.  They don’t want you to stop treating her like family.  They just want to include me in theirs too.  I don’t think they completely trust themselves with Liz, and they want us to be more involved with them.  I think…  we just got included in their family.”

Sabby sighed.  “I think you’re right.  Only if you’re okay with it, so am I.  But not outside the country, not yet, okay?”

I frowned.  “Why not?”

“Because I don’t know what will happen with your passport right now, and until we get that ironed out, I don’t want to risk it.  I’ll tell them that too.”

I nodded.  It made sense.

So it looks like I’m going somewhere with Liz soon.  It’ll be fun!  YAAAAAY!!!!

Love you all!!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m not going to talk about all the doot dooting I did today.  We’ll talk about that kind of thing later  I just want to talk about Liz.  And maybe to Liz.

So Liz came back a couple of hours later.  Apparently Sabby had taken her back to her house, sat her and her parent down, and although I wasn’t there, Liz told me enough that I can paraphrase what they said.  It went something like this:

Sabby:  “Did you know that your daughter is so lonely she sometimes cries herself to sleep?”

Liz mother:  “It’s none of your business how I raise my daughter.”

Sabby (and at this point she started to channel Claire Huxtable, and that’s always a sight to behold):  “Maybe it’s not.  But If you’re not going to parent her, someone’s got to.”

Liz father:  “How dare you -“

Sabby, working up a full head of steam now:  “How dare I?  How dare YOU?  Yes, she’s your daughter, but doesn’t it say something to you that my daughter and I are the ones she came to?  She didn’t come to you!  Why didn’t you go to them, Liz?”

Liz, quietly:  “Because I knew they wouldn’t listen.”

Sabby:  “If it’s none of my business, finne.  God knows I have enough daughters, I love Liz, she’s a good girl, but I’d really rather not add another one to the list.  But then make it yours, for the love of…  this is your daughter, and it’s high time you started treating her like one!  Being a parent isn’t just about buying her things and making sure she has a good education, though no one can fault you for that!  Its about making sure she feels loved!”

Liz mother:  “We love you, Zhi Ruo.”

Liz:  “You love me?  YOU LOVE ME?  Then why don’t you ever tell me that?  Why don’t you hug me?  Why didn’t you EVER HEAR MY CRYING IN MY ROOM?”  She stood up and walked to the door, Sabby close behind.  “And you know the worst thing?  The very worst thing?”  Tears were welling up in her eyes.  “Sabby’s being a better parent to me than you ever were.”

And they were out.  Liz came back in tears.  I told her to get in her pajamas, and she spent the next two hours cuddled up to me and crying her eyes out.  Two hours!  How long has this been going on??  Finally, she passed out, still sobbing.  What could I do?

Don’t get me wrong.  I don’t think she was abused.  And I don’t think Liz would even accuse her parents of that.  I think they love her, in her own way.  And I think Liz knows that, deep down.  But they don’t pay attention to her feelings, and it hurts her.  A lot.  A very lot.

This morning, bright and early, her parents knocked at the door.  Her mother had been crying, and her father looked more defeated than I’d ever seen him look before.

“Can we… can we speak to Zhi Ruo, please?”

Liz came down the stairs, her eyes puffy, looking miserable.

Her mother scooped her up in her arms and didn’t let go.

“I’m sorry, Zhi Ruo.  I’m so sorry.  Let’s go home and talk about it.”

Liz…  Zhi Ruo…  looked at me, looked at Sabby, her lower lip trembling.  She ran over and glomped Sabby.  Then, without a word, she walked out with her parents.

After work, I asked her what they’d talked about.  She wouldn’t say, not everything.  But she did tell me that they talked for hours.  They weren’t completely apologetic, because they had been raising her the best they knew how, but they understood how terrible she was feeling, and that they knew that there would have to be some work done to repair their relationship.

But for Liz, that was enough.

That was more than enough.

Sabby is growing up, a little.  I’m growing up.  Beth is growing up.  David is growing up.  But so is Liz and her parents.  And as long as everyone is growing, everything will be alright.

Everything will be alright.

Everything will be alright.

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  Wonderful Lily!  Beautiful Lily!  Intelligent Lily!  Modest Lily!

Well, today didn’t start out too interesting.  I ran, I did all the morning stuff, I ate, I did all the afternoon stuff, but since it was Friday, after she got home from school, Liz came over.  She’s going to spend the night.  Say hi, Liz!

Hi, Liz!

Smart aleck.   Wisegirl.  hah.  Anyway, if you wonder if she knows I post here, well, this should remove all doubt.  She’s watching me post now, and I already asked her, so it’s okay if I post this.   What I’m about to post, I mean.  I don’t know why she’s letting me, but…

I’m tired of hiding

Oh, okay.

Anyway, Liz came over, and after we had a delicious Sabby dinner (which I insisted I be able to help with for once) we watched a movie.  We watched Spanglish.  It’s about a young girl and her mother, and her mother takes a job as a nanny at a wealthy family in Malibu, taking care of her good-hearted but spoiled daughter.  Her daughter starts picking up some mannerisms from the wealthy but dysfunctional family, and finally, after the little girl says “I need some space”, she says “No space between us”, and they leave.  It’s about a girl and her mother, with the subplot of hidden problems in a relationship between the husband and wife of the wealthy family.

About three quarters of the way, Liz starts sniffling, and runs up the stairs.  They pause the movie, and I go to follow her.  I find her in my bedroom, crying her eyes out.

I sat next to her put an arm around her waist, and asked what was wrong.  She leaned into my shoulder and kept crying.  I know enough about dealing with, and being, a crying person that I knew she’d answer in her own time.  Finally she sniffed and started talking.

She told me about how she loves her parents, and they love her, but they’re always so distant, and she’s not even sure why they love her.  Do they love her because she’s their daughter?  Or because she’s their ticket to being taken care of in the future?  She told me about Chinese culture, and how their families tend to be very close-knit, but with everyone knowing what their role is, and she…  her heart is broken.

That….  I don’t know why I didn’t use those words.

And when she sees Dave and Sabby, who are imperfect and clumsy and strict, but warm and loving, and how close our family is, she gets so jealous sometimes and just…

Sometimes I’ll spend hours crying until I fall asleep, and no one knows.

Liz… you didn’t tell me that.

Sorry.

No Liz, I….  hang on a moment.

Okay, I’m back.  I had to give Liz a big hug, and then I had to take her downstairs and have her talk to Sabby.  Privately.  She’s still talking to Sabby now.  I’m her friend and I love her but I think this one is for Sabby.  Oh, wait.  They just left.

Oh, I hope this works out.  I really hope this works out.

I’m going to wait for them to return, and Liz is going to snuggle with me tonight.  We are going to cuddle up and I am going to hug her and she is going to know what it feels like to have true warmth in her life.  I’m sorry, Liz.  I’m sorry I didn’t notice before.  I’m so sorry.

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Everything is so much better in the Smith house right now!  It was a hard week but sometimes I guess these things have to happen.  Right?  I’m kind of glad that Dave and Sabby see how bad David’s behavior was, even if that’s what it took to do it.  I don’t blame them, and I don’t hate David!  Not at all!   But they’re forcing David to interact with us more now, and, well, he’s not a bad kid.

This evening we went out bike riding, me, Beth, Liz, and David.  He has his own bike, but I’m the one who rides the worst, so they were nice and didn’t go too fast!  We’re not allowed to go on the frontage road yet, but every other street in the neighborhood is fine.  I know I like to run, but this exercised muscles in my legs I didn’t know I had!  When I run, it does the ones below the knee, I don’t know what they’re called, but when I ride, it does the ones above the knee.  I’m going to have such nice legs!  I know, but I’m a girl!  It’s nice to be pretty!!!  And it’s good core exercise too!

It’s such a pain shaving them, you know!  I kind of remembered how to do it right away after I was found, but it took a while to get into the habit!  But it makes them all nice and smooth, and even better, when I run, it’s less wind resistance!  I know, but every little bit counts, right?  I don’t know why us girls like smooth things, but we do!  Even our chocolate!!

But not so much our boys.  Never trust a smooth boy!  That just means they have a lot of practice being smooth!  Trust the more awkward and sweet ones!  Well, sometimes!!!  Sometimes they have practice being awkward and sweet too!  It’s confusing!  Just don’t trust any you don’t know well!!!

Otherwise, it was a boring day!  Boringly boring!  I ran, I did school, I ate, I did more school, I stopped doing school, I rode a bike with everyone!  It was fun!  After we got home, we cooled down a little, and I had a quick shower.  Then we had dinner!  Sabby always makes the best dinners!  I try to help but unless she’s actively trying to teach me how to make something, she tells me to go away and let her cook!  I think she likes it!  I asked David about his computer stuff, and he actually knows a lot more than I thought he did!  Maybe that’s how he got so good at doing naughty stuff!  I asked him to teach me how to do some things, and Sabby thought that was a great idea.  So I have a computer tutor now!  In return, I have to supervise him on playtime and teach him things I know!  It’s a fair trade!

I’m still catching Liz side-eyeing Dave and Sabby, though, when she thinks we’re not looking.  I need to ask her about that.

Off to brush Beth’s hair!!!  Bye!  Love you all!  My internet schnooky-ookums!  Too much?  Yeah, you’re right. 

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  Fancypants Lily!

Oh do I have a lot to talk about tonight!  Some of it good, some of it bad, some of it good-bad, some of it bad-good…

So Dave and Sabby and David finally patched it up.  I guess David took my advice and went to Sabby, and they spent an hour talking much more quietly than they have been.  It took them an hour.  But David was finally teachable and wanted to know what he’d done wrong.  He really didn’t know.  But I guess I gave him enough to let him know that he actually did do something wrong.  I guess they rescinded the grounding, mostly, but they’re not letting him play on the computer in his room anymore, and he has to spend an hour a day outside playing.  One of us – Dave, Sabby, Beth, or me has to supervise him while he’s playing.  I guess I don’t mind.  I wanted him to be more like a brother, and maybe it’ll start being more like that now.

Sabby and I had some words, though.

After all of this fleshed out, Sabby came by to tell me how it worked out.  She kind of wasn’t happy with me.

“Lily, why did you talk to David?”

I was confused.  “Because he asked me.”

“But that’s not your place.  You’re not his mother.”

I was a little offended.  “I’m not.  But I’m his sister.  Or did you lie about my adoption?”

“Lily -”

“No, Sabby.  No.  You’re right, I’m not his mother.  But I’ve been wanting to be his sister for a long time, and he’s finally starting to treat me like one.  I’m not going to turn him away when he asks me to be a sister to him.”

She was quiet.  It looked like she was both angry and – hurt.  Finally she deflated.

“No, you’re right.  You’re right.  You’re his sister.  You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But you’re still angry.”

“I’m not.  I’m not.  I… I guess I am.” she sighed.  “How do you do this?,” she finally said.  “How do you just march into this family, win me over, win Beth over, even now win David over, when I’m having a hard time just teaching my children how to be people?  How did you manage to get through to him what I couldn’t?”

I frowned.  “Sabby, why do you do this to yourself?”

“What do you mean?”

I was quiet for a little while.  “Why didn’t you know that David was doing all the stuff he was doing?”

She frowned.  “Don’t you dare accuse me -“

“I’m not!  You asked me a question.  I’m trying to answer it!  Stop attacking me, Sabby!”

She took a moment to calm down.  “I… I’m sorry, Lily.”

“So why didn’t you?”

“Because I… I didn’t think he could do such a thing.”

“So you were content to just let him be, because it never occurred to you.  And now you don’t know how to handle your image of him being shattered.”

She put her head in her hands at those words.

“I’m such a bad mother…”

“You’re not!!!  Sabby, that’s what mothers are supposed to do!  You’re supposed to defend your children and think the best of them.  And when you find out they’re doing something wrong, you’re supposed to put the fear of God into them!  And you did both!”

“Come here, Lily,” she said and patted the couch next to her.  I sat down, a little carefully.

“I’m so jealous of you sometimes,” she said sadly.

“Of me?,” I said, and chuckled darkly.  “You’re jealous of me?  You, who remember what it’s like to be a little girl, and who has found someone to love, and a family that’s all your own, and… and…. you’re jealous of me?”

“Silly, isn’t it?,” she said.  “But sometimes it feels like you’re a better mother -”

“I’m not!”, I interrupted.  “I’m not!  Stop saying things like that.  I’m a better sister.  But you’re not supposed to be their sister.  You’re supposed to go all Claire Huxtable when your children screw up and tell them to stop talking and why aren’t you answering and stop flinging parts from one end to the other!  You’re supposed to do what you’re doing!  And I’m supposed to be a good role model and treat them well and give them advice when they ask for us!”

“Lily -“

“Could you improve?,” I plowed on.  “Sure!  But I could be a better sister too!  I screw up with David and Beth and you and Dave and even Liz!  Maybe after this you’ll watch David and Beth a little more carefully.  But that just comes with them growing up!  And…  and with you growing up too.”

Sabby was quiet.  “Let me think about that, Lily.  I’m sorrry.  I shouldn’t have gotten angry at you.”

I glomped her.  “No, you shouldn’t.  But I love you, Sabby.  I love this family.  I love all of you.  I love you, and Dave, and Beth, and even David.  I love that you took me in and adopted me and have been so nice to me and… and…  I don’t like it when you feel so bad and start feeling like you’re a bad mother.  I wouldn’t have been nearly as happy with the adoption if I thought you were as bad a mother as you think you are!”  I grabbed her hand.  “Sabby, take me to the ice cream place.  I am going to get us some chocolate.”

“Lily -“

“No.”, I dragged her up off the couch.  “We’re getting chocolate, I’m paying, and we’ll even bring some back for the rest of the family.  But we’re getting chocolate.”  I dragged her towards the door, and she finally relented and yelled out that we were going out for a little while.

Finally, we were in the car, and as we were driving, she looked at me and smiled.  “How did you know?”

“Because chocolate fixes everything,” I said pompously.

She giggled.

Five large chocolate shakes later, we came back to the house, and distributed the chocolatey goodness.  Even Dave got in on the fun (Dave explained a while ago that while men aren’t quite as huge on chocolate as women, they still quite enjoy it, and Dave will quite willingly inhale any chocolate put in front of him).  As we sat there, David went and got a board game, Beth made popcorn and we had an impromptu family night.  And you know what?  It was one of the best family nights ever.  Because David was actually playing games with us, Sabby finally seemed to be relaxing a little, and I realized that sometimes the best families are forged in the flames of jealousy and bitterness and anger and forgiveness and playing games together and eating chocolate and popcorn and just talking to each other.  And maybe someday when I’m thirty and have children of my own, maybe, and a husband and a house and I’ll be sitting at the table playing board games and eating popcorn and drinking a chocolate shake, and I’ll remember the night when Sabby got angry at me, I fed her chocolate, and we all ended up laughing and playing together.  And maybe I’ll tell my children this story and they’ll tell the same story to their children, and, well, Sabby’s a lot better mother than she thinks sometimes.

Later I found the money I thought I’d spent on the shakes in my purse, with a note.  “I still know a few tricks, Lily.  Love, Sabby.”

I giggled and wrote “So do I, Love, Lily” and put it back in her purse.  This could be an amusing game for a little while, until she goes Claire Huxtable on me and tells me if she finds that money back in her purse again…

I love Sabby.  I mean I really love her.  And I love you all too.    But you all knew that.  And I love chocolate!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So I was talking to Beth today, and she told me something I hadn’t noticed.  A lot of girls her age don’t seem to have a sense of humor.  She tries to tell them jokes and they just look at her with that look only a teenage girl who thinks you’re an idiot can give you.  She tries to be funny and they just tell her she’s embarrassing.  They’re always worried about their parents “embarrassing” them.  I hadn’t really noticed, but now that she brings it up, I remember seeing that sometimes for myself, at school.  My friends aren’t like that but many girls are.  I don’t understand it!  I really don’t!  I mean I understand not wanting to embarrass yourself, but what fun is life if you can’t laugh at it?  Dave pranks me all the time, and I prank him, I call him a clumsy dad who has pressure-washer accidents, and he calls me a silly girl.  He wakes me up with an ice cube on my hand, and I jump scare him when he comes in the house.  It’s fun!  And he always gives as good as he gets!  Why would I think that’s embarrassing?

But even Liz sometimes apologizes for her parents, she thinks they’re too strict and it embarrasses her.  I can kind of see what she means, but at the same time, they’re her parents and I know they love her.  They buy her nice things and they’re strict because they want her to be successful and find a nice Chinese man and have lots of Chinese children.  Why be embarrassed?  Maybe it’s not what she wants, but they’re not mean or awful.

I think you should have fun with life!  If someone does something funny, just laugh at it.  If you do something embarrassing, just laugh at it.  No one will remember, they’re always more worried about what you think of them then what you do, and if they do they’re awful people anyway.  I like to laugh and have fun, and I like to be around people who laugh and have fun.  It’s fun pranking people, even if they get me back sometimes!!!

I need to go!  I haven’t pranked Dave in a while, Halloween’s coming, and I need to think of a really fun prank for him.   Not telling, Sabby!  You get to find out when he does!!!  And I’ll be nice!  I know I’m about one maid costume away from cleaning the house!  Haha!!

She wouldn’t do that, but it’s still a funny thought.  THAT is the difference between a fun prank and a humiliating prank, and Sabby would never do that.  Right Sabby?  Sabby???  Hee hee.

Oh and I learned something!  Some people think there’s a difference between a red heart and a blue heart .  The red heart is supposed to mean love and the blue heart friendship.  Well I don’t care!  So ppppbbbbbttt!! I’m going to use a red heart and I don’t want to have your babies!  So there!!!

Love you all!!!    Pbbbbbbbbt neener neener neener