Category: Diary

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m feeling a lot better now.  I guess I had to get that out of my system.  It’s hard for people to understand, especially because I’m such a happy and bubbly person, that I… do have problems.   Mine is a memory issue.  I don’t have it.  It is something I lost, and I miss it sometimes.  But Beth and Sabby and Dave and Liz help.  They’re my new family.  I just wish I knew my old one, sometimes.

It was a weekend.  I worked, I doot dooted, the family went to church but I went to work.  I don’t mind.  Church can be okay but I prefer working.  Even if there’s a karen or two.  After I got home yesterday I decided it was time I learn to ride a bike.  I’ve been talking about that for a long time!  So I got some kneepads that were sitting around in the garage, and Dave took me out on Sabby’s old bike, and I wibbled and wobbled all over the place.  It took an hour or two, but I think I got it!  I just need to do a bit more practice.  I want to learn how to drive, but at least I can wibble and wobble over to work and feel just a little bit safer.  Beth doesn’t like running, but maybe she and I can go riding too!

I did fall once or twice.  Sabby tells me I’m lucky I have young bones, and the kneepads kept me from getting scraped up, but owie!  And you know what?  Sabby kissed my owie!  I know I’m not little, but the thought was nice.  And the skin wasn’t broken, so it wasn’t even gross.  I guess she’d been reading my blog.  She tells me she did see me sleeping with my head on Beth’s lap, and she just smiled to herself and walked on.  She said it was adorable.  It was so like us!  Me sleeping, and Beth reading!

I don’t know if I’ve ever described Beth.  I don’t know if she wants me to post a picture of her, but she has light chocolate skin, with long, a little frizzy hair, and a pretty face.  She’s still got a bit of baby fat but she’s tall so it doesn’t look bad on her.  Not as tall as me, though.  Where I’m kinda tall and lanky, she’s just a little shorter with a little more cushion on her.  But she doesn’t mind.  She says she’s not fat and it’s nice to have a little padding, like when she’s riding a bike.  Maybe someday she’ll want to be a bit more toned but right now she’s just enjoying reading and not worrying too much about what other people think.  I’m trying to get her to run, but she refuses.  That’s why I hope I can ride a bike with her someday.  She does seem to enjoy that.  Oh, don’t get me wrong, I think she’s pretty and not fat at all!  But it never hurts to be a little more healthy, right?  But maybe I take that a little far.

Anyway, school tomorrow.  It was a boring weekend, I guess, but who needs excitement every day!

Love you all!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

After I wrote the last post, I just went into my room and huddled under the blankets and cried.  I guess Beth heard me because I felt someone climb in next to me and wrap their arms around me.  I couldn’t help it, and I cried harder.  She didn’t say anything, I don’t think I’d have wanted to, but she let me bury my head in her chest and just stroked my hair as I cried it out.

I have a sister.

And I guess that’s my answer, really.  I hate not being able to remember, I hate not having the memories of being a child, of having my owies kissed, but I have a sister I wouldn’t have met otherwise.  A sister who lets me bury my head in her chest and cry it out, who doesn’t say anything to me and just lets me cry, who doesn’t mind if I make her pajamas all sloppy with my ugly crying.  Only afterwards did she ask me what was wrong.

I just looked up at her and made myself a little more comfortable, and said “Nothing.”

“But,” she said, “You were ugly crying, all over me.  It can’t be nothing!”

I smiled at her and wiped the tears out of my eyes.  “It was something, but it’s nothing now.”

She looked at me confused.

I reached up and stroked her hair.  “You’re my sister,” I said, as if that explained everything.

She still looked confused.

“I was sad because I didn’t have my memories and I can’t remember my family.  But…  I wouldn’t know you,” I said, quietly, and cupped her face with my hand.  “So nothing’s wrong anymore.”

Finally she nodded.  “Are you okay?”

“I am now,” I said.  I yawned.  “But I’m tired.”

She sat up and let me put my head in her lap.  “God knows you’ve been there for me,” she said.  “Go ahead and sleep.  I brought a book.”  She opened the book with one hand and started reading, while she stroked my hair with her other.

I giggled.  “That is so you, Beth.”  She laughed quietly.

And I slept.  Every now and then she’d remove her hand to flip a page, but otherwise, I was just lulled into a peaceful haze of post-cry sleepiness.  And it was wonderful.

I’m still a little sad.  But I have Beth.  It turned out okay.

It started raining and storming a little later that night.  Beth’s lap was so warm and safe.  I never even noticed.

Love you all!!!  And especially Beth!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!!!

Today was boring!  Boringly boring!  David is still in deep doo-doo, he’ll be lucky to get any of his electronics back before he’s 30!  I hope he learns something!  Otherwise, it’s been cooling down a little bit!  Yay!

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have my memories!  I look at little ones like Allison, and I feel a little lost, because she is such a happy girl, and I don’t remember what it’s like to be happy like that.  And Sabby was talking about kissing Beth’s owies and putting bandaids on them, and I don’t remember my owies being kissed!  It seems like a nice thing!  Sometimes I’m glad I don’t have my memories, and sometimes I’m sad.  I wish I could remember!  It’s nice to see little ones all happy and well taken care of and loved, but did someone love me?  Did someone kiss my owies and tuck me into bed and take me on vacations that I thought I’d remember forever, and don’t?  I don’t mind most of the time, but it makes me feel cheated sometimes.  Like there’s something I had and I lost, but I don’t even remember what I lost, much less what I had.

It hurts.

But what do I do?  Do I sit here all pouty and think about everything I lost?  Or do I think about everything I’ve gained?  Would I know Sabby and Dave and Beth and Liz and even David if I hadn’t lost my memory?  Would I have a nice family I live with and who adopted me and who love me?  Maybe I would, but I don’t know!  I don’t know anything!

I wish someone would tell me, though!  I wish someone would knock on the door, who looks like me, and tell me I’m their long lost daughter and they’ve been looking for me everywhere, and they would come in, and talk to all of us, and tell me what happened to me.  And we’d hug and they’d give me pictures and promise that I could see them whenever I wanted and I’d have a whole different family, too.  And…

And.  I’m crying now.

It doesn’t bother me a lot.  But I’m human!  I’m a Lily, but I’m human!  And being human hurts sometimes!

Anyway, I need to go huddle beneath the blankets and cry it out.  I’m sorry.  I’m not a bubbly, happy Lily tonight.  Maybe tomorrow.

Love you all, anyway! 

 Hi!  It’s me!  Your favorite Lily!  Unless I’m not!  Then I’m your second favorite Lily!  If I’m your third favorite, then you know a lot of Lilies!

So today I had to go to the courthouse and take a deposition against that guy.  They took a while to get everything together, but Sabby and I went down and did it.  Apparently they don’t really need my in person testimony, as they have the cameras, and they didn’t want to force me to confront him.  I would have been happy to, but maybe it’s better that I don’t.  Apparently he had a record of this kind of thing, but this time they had more evidence than just “he said she said” and they’re able to nail him to the wall.  The other lawyer tried to hurt my credibility, but didn’t seem to be trying very hard. Also, we had the court hearing for that karen who grabbed me in the grocery store.  We did it over Zoom, which was nice.  I dressed up all professional and told them what happened, and then the other lawyer tried to poke holes in my testimony, but how can you poke holes in “she grabbed my arm”?  They tried to say that Sabby assaulted her, but that got shut down really fast, because they had video evidence.  Don’t know why I couldn’t have just signed a complaint like the other time, but I guess it worked out.  She was sentenced to community service and a suspended sentence.  If looks could kill, but oh well.

So I’m glad those things are out of the way.  Hopefully I never have to deal with them again.

David is still in so much trouble, Sabby and Dave seem intent on making a point.  They were willing to let his behavior go when they didn’t think he was getting in trouble, but now that they know he was, he’s toast.  They’ve even got Beth and me tutoring him, which, frankly, no one is happy with, but I guess I can see why.  I guess I don’t mind.  But I’m going into teacher Lily mode, and telling him he’d better listen to me or I’m going to Sabby.  I’m not his favorite person right now, but I guess I should get in line, no one in this family is his favorite person right now.  And I think the feeling is mutual.  Sabby loves him as a mother, but she’s not too keen on him right now, and is making sure he knows it.  Heck, he’s got dishes duty.  Even though we have a dishwasher, still.

Beth and I are getting the fringes of it, Sabby is really cranky, but we’re okay.

Love you all!!!

Hi! It’s me! Lily!

OH MY GOD did David get in trouble!  I mean, trouble with a capital T.  He is so screwed right now!

So today Dave got a call.  Apparently he’s been playing a multiplayer game, and he’s been being a bully, hacking, and griefing people!  I mean, really being a jerk!  He was so bad that our ISP was getting complaints, and they somehow figured out who was behind the account and called us.  They told him that if it didn’t stop, they were going to disconnect us!  Well, as you can imagine, Dave wasn’t too happy with this!  He needs Internet to work, and we need it for school!

So David was in the middle of school, and he was in so much trouble that school ended, right there.  He put David on the phone with the ISP and made him explain to them what he did and apologize.  Then, after they hung up, both Dave and Sabby spent a full half an hour just reaming him out!  I mean they ripped him a new one!  By the time they were done, his computer, his game console, every bit of electronics he had, was locked away in a closet and Sabby promised he might get them back before he graduates.  Might.

Then he was sent to his room with schoolbooks and told that if he doesn’t impress them, and I mean really impress them with how well he’s doing and what he’s learning, that they might be convinced to let him out next month.  Oh they were so angry with him!  He feebly tried to argue but Sabby was in full Claire Huxtable mode and shut him right down.  She even pulled the “don’t you talk to me when I’m yelling at you, and why aren’t you answering me?” thing!  It was glorious!

I hope I never get on Sabby’s bad side that badly!!!  I can only think of a few things I could do that would, and nope!  Not me!  I’m not even looking at a boy now!  I mean, I wasn’t going to before, but doubly so now!I

I’d say poor kid but we all know he deserves it!  Like I said, I don’t hate him, but he needs this!

He is only allowed to come out of his room now for dinner and bathroom, and he has to ask any other time.  And Sabby’s just been throwing more schoolwork at him, she says if he has time to bully people, he has time to do schoolwork.

Guess we’ll see how this turns out.  I’ve never seen a grounding here last more than a day, but I think they mean it this time!

Love you all!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I had a great day off today!  I spent some of it with Liz, some of it with Beth, some of it with Sabby, and some of it by myself!  Liz and I just hung out and chatted – we haven’t done that for a long time, and I missed her!  I even brushed her hair.  She’s not as comfortable with contact as I am, but I think she’s getting used to it, she started to zone out and she didn’t seem to want me to stop.  It was fun!  We don’t spend as much time together as we used to but I still love her just the same.  Sometimes I think she’s got this sadness inside her that even she doesn’t understand, but I guess she’ll talk about it when she’s ready.  I catch her looking at Sabby and Dave when she thinks we’re not looking, and there’s something in her eyes that I can’t quite place.

Beth and I hung out too, we played some board games and she trounced me pretty badly – that girl is wicked smart!  I mean, I’m not dumb, but she makes me look dumb!  It’s okay, I’m better at reading people than she is, so it all balances out.  After we played games, she just spent some time reading on her own, I think she actually prefers that sometimes.  I don’t mind.  A little sister time is good, but too much, maybe not.

Sabby took me and Beth to the mall for some girl time a little later, too, and we just walked around and chatted.  We didn’t buy much but that’s not why we go to the mall!  There was this place that tried to hard sell us on getting a facial – they made the mistake of telling Sabby her face was oily!  She said she didn’t care, and if they didn’t want to have to do a little more work on their face, they might be better served backing up and actually observing social distancing.  They seem to have gotten the message.  Sabby can be scary sometimes!  She’s not violent but she sure demands people respect her boundaries!

Sabby is trying to get to know Beth a little better – I can see it.  Beth commented to me about it too.  I just said that her mother was struggling to see her as a young woman, to give her time, but that she was doing her best.  Beth nodded.  She’s not upset at Sabby, she’s just a little confused.  I would be too!

Anyway, it was a good day.  Sabby made a delicious dinner, as usual, and Beth and I helped with the dishes, well, at least putting them in the dishwasher.  David didn’t get off completely free, he had to set the table.  Now it’s time to go to bed.

Love you all!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  Professional Lily!!!

So I didn’t write yesterday because I worked all day, and then I got home and I had some leftover Sabby dinner.  Sabby told me she took Beth out and had a Beth day, and they did woman stuff.  I know boys read this, so I’m not going to violate the Sacred Code of Woman Stuff and tell y’all exactly what, but it was woman stuff, and they had fun.  Sabby did teach Beth how to do tasteful makeup – her friends have been teaching her how to use makeup, but what they taught her was garish and so over the line Sabby pulled a Claire Huxtable and told her she was flinging lips from one end to the other and told her to take it OFF.  But I think Sabby decided that it was time that Beth be taught the right way, and Beth looks so nice now!  I mean, she always did, but Sabby really knows her way around makeup!  It’s not garish, it’s subtle, it says “look at me, I’m beautiful” without saying “I fell into a paint can!”.  Come to think of it, I should ask Sabby for tips.  I’ve never been big on makeup but it might be nice to know how to do it.

She also bought Beth a couple of more adult outfits.  Nothing too bad, but just something nice to wear for special occasions.  Beth showed me her new look last night and I think my Jaw hit the floor.  Beth’s always been a pretty girl but she was a beautiful young woman, and I told her so.  She blushed and ran back into her room.  I guess the girl part of her will still come out every now and then.

She’s really not interested in showing off for boys like her friends, but it’s funny what looking nice can do for a girl’s self esteem.  When she was back in her pajamas she seemed back to normal, and we did our normal routine.  I suggested maybe getting her hair done, and she thought about it.  But she said she wasn’t really ready to be too beautiful yet, and I understood that.  Boys falling over with little hearts floating out of their head doesn’t really make for good conversation.

Work is back to normal.  Lots of doot dooting and shelf stocking and delivery taking and owner answering, but it all seems to be working out.  It’s not a hard job but you kind of have to be naturally bubbly and cheerful, like me, or you’re not going to survive long – if the karens don’t smush you into little pieces, the owner will.  But the owner’s really happy with me.  He tells me he kind of reminds me of the daughter he never had, and that’s really sweet of him.  He’s an older, portly Indian guy, and he can be a little temperamental, but he’s a bit like Dave – keeps it under control and his heart’s in the right place.

Since the store is on a frontage road to a major freeway, we get a lot of touristy business – people on the way to the coast or coming through town to head somewhere else and need a snack and a fill-up.  They can be the nicest folk – and the worst karens.  It’s just the luck of the draw.  But I give them a smile, doot doot them out of there, and make sure they’re properly caffeinated and stuffed with junk food, and, well, it’s a pretty fun job.  I don’t know what I want to do for a living when I’m older, but this is okay for right now.  My job is learning.

We don’t require masks, but we recommend them.  Sometimes people come in and want to make a point, and I just ignore them.  wear a mask, don’t wear a mask, just leave me out of it.  I’m vaccinated, I don’t care.  But I wear one.  It means people can’t see my cute face, but it’s the right thing!

Aaaaaaaaanyway, I’m tired.  Tomorrow’s a school holiday and Sabby wants to keep those as much as she can, so I get a day off!  YAY!  I don’t know what I’ll spend it doing, but I’m sure it’ll be fun!  I gots to sleep now.  Lilies don’t stay cute without their sleep!  I’ll dream of rainbows and unicorns and Daniel Craig!  Aww!  I keep saying that out loud!

Love you all!!! And I don’t know what I’d do with Daniel Craig if I even got him, so I guess he’ll just stay in my dreams!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  And I’m in a Friday mood!

Tomorrow, I work, but tonight, we’re doing another movie night!  YAY! Beth seems a little better today, I talked to Sabby about it.  She sat down in a chair and put her head in her hands.

“What’s wrong?”, I asked.

“I should have figured that out,” she said quietly.  “How did I not figure that out?  Of course it would bother her.  Just because it doesn’t bother you doesn’t mean she’s going to be as… ”  she sighed.  “Sometimes I feel like I’m failing with my kids.”

I sat down next to her.  “Why?”

“I… I don’t feel like I know them anymore.”

I rubbed her back.  “You’re Beth’s mother.  You know her better than anyone.”

“I used to,” she said.  “I remember when she was a little girl and I caught her hiding in a closet with a flashlight, reading.  But I also used to kiss her owies and put bandaids on her knees and… what happened?”

“You used to have a little girl,” I said.  “Now you have a young woman.  you’ll always be her mother, but… maybe it’s time to be her friend too.”

She looked at me.  “How are you so smart?”

I shrugged.  “Sometimes you just have to look at people straight.”

She looked puzzled.  “What does that mean?”

I thought.  “Well, people are just this big tangled mess of thoughts and feelings and emotions and they don’t always know what they want or what they feel, and sometimes they lie to themselves, and… and… well, sometimes you just have to see through all of that and figure out what’s actually going on.”

She touched my cheek.  “You’re a special girl, you know that?”

I shrugged.  “So is Beth.”

She sighed.  “She is.”

“You’re not a bad mother,” I said.  “You’re human.  Just keep trying.  She’ll understand.”

She sighed.  “I need to take her out again.  And have a talk with her – woman to woman.”

I nodded.  “Sounds like a good idea.  I’m going to bed now.”

We hugged goodnight and I went up to bed.

Today was just a nice, ordinary, Friday.  YAAAAAAAY FRIDAY!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOO

Love you all!!!  Especially my family!!!  But all you silly billies too!  I hope Allison is feeling better!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So I tried to talk to Beth last night, she didn’t really want to talk.  I told her I was worried but she could talk when she was ready.  We brushed each others’ hair.  And I presented her with a mostly intact chocolate bar that Sabby and I bought for her at the convenience store.  I say mostly intact because I took a “finder’s fee”.  Beth did crack a smile at that.  She chewed on her chocolate while I brushed her hair.

Finally, after she licked her fingers clean of all the chocolate (she offered me one but Beth fingers are for Beth licking, no matter how much I like chocolate!), she seemed to start to relax and zone out a bit.  Then I heard her sniffle.  I didn’t say anything, but I just let her be.

“How do you do it?,” she said suddenly.

“Huh wha?”, I said eloquently and eruditely.

“How do you do it?,” she repeated.  “Nothing seems to bother you.  You got, well, assaulted a while ago, and you act like nothing happened.  I would…   I think I’d be upset.”

I kept brushing her hair and thought.  “I just…  I don’t know.”

“Doesn’t it bother you?”

“Well, yeah, I guess.  I mean, he shouldn’t have done that.  But he didn’t get far, and I took care of myself.”

“But…,” she sniffled.  “But what if you couldn’t?  Oh Lily, I don’t want to lose my sister!”, she said, and whipped around and clung to me like her life depended on it.  I just wrapped my arms around her and let her cry it out.

“Is that what’s bothering you?”

She nodded in my chest.

I sighed.  “Beth, these things just happen.  People do stupid stuff.  But if I let it bother me, then they have control of me, and I don’t want that guy to have control of me.  Or you.  I promise I’ll be careful!”

“But.. what if you can’t?”

I shrugged.  “Then I can’t, I guess.  I’ll deal.  Maybe it would upset me more if it happened again.”

“I hope it doesn’t!”

“Me too, Lily.  These”, and I tapped my chest, “can only take so much grabbing before they get angry.”

She giggled in spite of herself.  “They get angry?”

“Oh yes,” I said, taking on a mock smart tone as she unwrapped herself from me.  “Floppius Breastius are a protective species – what?”, I said, as she flopped down on her bed and whooped with laughter.  “Floppi- floppi – BAHAHAHA,” she said, now wheezing.

I grinned.  “Feeling better?”

She sniffled and pushed her hair out of her eyes, and picked herself up, still giggling.  “I think so.”

“Good,” I said.  “Now do mine.”  I turned around and zoned out while she brushed my hair.  I think I know what was bothering her.  I don’t know what to do, but it’s good to know.

Love you all!!!

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So things are finally starting to quiet down.  It’s Wednesday, I still have a job, a creep is off the street, my floppy bits are safe…  everything’s great!  Well, mostly.  Beth seems a bit moody and standoffish today.  I don’t know why.  It’s not just me she’s being that way with, but she’s really not a happy camper.  She’s not being mean, you know, like she used to, she’s just…  not really having it with anyone today.  I have those days!  But she usually doesn’t.  She’s not a happy, bubbly girl like people tell me I am, but she’s not usually too cranky either.  She’s pretty even.  So it’s a little worrying for her to be… like that.

Maybe she’s missing her friends?  Maybe she’s not missing her friends.  I don’t know.  I’ll have to ask her later.  If she wants to talk, that is.

Sabby doesn’t seem to be worried.  She says everyone gets an off day sometimes, and to just let her work it out, and be there if she needs me.  I can do that!  I’m Lily!  I can do anything!  Except resist chocolate!  I can’t do that!!!

I know, maybe I’ll get her some chocolate!  I’ll talk to Sabby.

Otherwise it’s just a typical Wednesday.  Read, study, eat chocolate, do lessons, eat chocolate, learn Japanese, eat chocolate, oh, did I mention eat chocolate?  I love chocolate!!!  So much!!!

Love you all!!! Not as much as chocolate, though!  MMM CHOCOLATE