Tag: Dave

This diary entry is part 5 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 06 - December 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m gonna cry.  I’m seriously gonna cry.  But this time not out of sadness.  I’m sooo happy.

So today I did my run and went to work, and the owner asked me how it went.  I told him that I met her, and she was really regretful, and I forgave her.  He patted me on the back and said “good girl”.  Then he paused.  “In India, family is very important.  We have big families.  Mothers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, grandparents…  sometimes all under one roof.  Many people are poor and don’t have much.  But they are rich.  You are rich.  You have your family, and now your birth mother and your half sisters, and your boyfriend -” I started to protest but he smirked.  “You just don’t know it yet.  You have a big family, like in India.  A big family is a blessing.  Don’t forget.  You lost much, yes, yes, very much, but you gained much too.”  He smiled.  “Business is good.  Better than last year.  My wife and I, we want to do something nice for our employees.”  He rummaged around his desk and handed me an envelope.  “Don’t open it until you get home.  Very important.  Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.”

I protested.  “Aren’t you a Hindu?”

“Yes,” he said, smiling.  “But you’re not.  And isn’t that respect?”

I had no response to that.  I just sniffed and impulsively hugged him.  He patted my back.  “Back to work, kiddo.  You have, how do you say it, doot dooting to do.”

I frowned.  “I didn’t get you anything.”

“You’re sixteen, Lily.  You don’t have much to give.  I own a convenience store.  I have a lot to give.  That hug was gift enough.  Now shoo.”

I did.  Oh my God.  How nice is he.  I won the job lottery.

After I got home, I opened the envelope.  It was a bonus.  A huge bonus.  Even Dave and Sabby were taken aback by how much it was, at least in comparison to my hourly wage.  I could afford to get driving lessons now and start paying my insurance!!!  He is soo nice!  I have to make him and his wife a thank you card!!!

When I got home, there was a tree on top of the car.  “Oh there you are,” Dave said.  “help us get this inside.”  Liz was there too, I guess her family doesn’t really make a big deal out of Christmas and Sabby thought she’d enjoy it.

So we got the tree inside and put it in its stand.  Sabby went to the attic and got out all the ornaments and tinsel, and we started decorating the tree.  When we were done, it was all lit up and soooo pretty!  Everyone had their own special ornament that they put up.  Sabby got a box and handed it to me.  I opened it, and there was an ornament!  My very own ornament!  With my name on it!  Lily!  She must have had it done recently, because it also said “Yuriko”.

OMG!!!  I put the ornament on the tree and everyone hugged me!  Even David!

I’m a Smith!  I’m actually a real Smith!!!

And Liz got an ornament too!  She was soooo happy!  Maybe she’s not a Smith, but she’s an honorary Smith!  Just like I’m an honorary Tang!

After that, Dave got a ladder and put up the Christmas lights.  He can be a bit clumsy so we all stood outside ready to catch him, but everything went fine.  After the sun went down, we turned the lights on, and it was soo pretty!  Christmas is so pretty!  With all the lights and songs and… and family!

Oh oh oh and Jack said he had a present for me too, but I would get it around Christmastime!  I wonder what it is!  He wouldn’t say.  He wouldn’t even give me a hint!  He did promise it would be big and I would really love it!  What could it be???

The owner was right!  I have such a big family now!  I have Dave, and Sabby, and Beth, and David, and Cat, and Liz, and her parents, and Emiko, and my new half sisters, and Jack, and Grace, and even the owner, and OMG how lucky am I?  I’m gonna cry!  I’m seriously gonna cry!!!

And I have you all too!!!  Allison and everyone else who reads this and follows my life and loves me!!!  Even with the roller coaster of the last couple of weeks, how lucky I am!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 3 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 06 - December 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m feeling a little better, but let me explain why.

Today was… dark. I don’t have any word for it.  I didn’t sleep well, I didn’t eat much, I got through my schoolwork but mostly like a robot, not concentrating, not paying attention, and pretty much going to lie down as soon as it was all over.  Sabby came to check on me but I…  I didn’t want to say the wrong thing again, so I just kind of ignored her.  Not in a mean way, but in an “I’m alright leave me alone” kind of way.

I wasn’t mad at her but obviously this is a sore topic for her and, well, yeah.

I think that hurt her but I didn’t know what to say.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t, right?

So Beth’s “potential friend” and her family came over.  Yeah, that went about as well as I expected.  Wasn’t a Little Miss Priss this time, thankfully, just a girl with nothing in common with Beth.  Cheerleader, bubbly, happy, into boys and makeup and… basically just a nicer and more cheerful version of the friends she’d already had to dump.  I picked at my food and about halfway through the meal I stood up.

“I’m going to my room,” I announced, “Thanks for the meal, nice to meet you.”

Sabby said, a little abruptly, “You didn’t finish your food.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Finish your food.”

“I’m not four,” I said.  “It’s nothing personal.  I’m just not hungry.  And I can’t watch this…  this… anymore.  Like this… this friend dating service for Beth is ever going to work anyway.”

“Lily -,” she said warningly.  Dave gave her a look I couldn’t read, but she wasn’t looking at him.  “I don’t know what’s gotten into you -“

I was getting steamed and that probably showed on my face.  I think Dave saw the signs.

Dave patted her hand.  “Sabby, let it go.  Lily, you can go.  We’ll talk later.”

Sabby looked murderous, but shut up.  I went up to my room and played on my tablet.  Sabby and I have never conflicted like that, but I found myself just not caring.  I love Sabby but right then…  I kinda didn’t like her.

I heard some faint yelling through the walls a little while later.  I couldn’t make out the words, Sabby sounded peeved, and Dave sounded much more under control.

Later, after everything quieted down, there was a knock, and Dave came in. He sat down on the edge of my bed.  I noticed the door stayed partially open.  I guess I understood.  He was quiet for a moment.

“Lily,” he said, “I think Sabby made a mistake.”

“Adopting me,” I said bitterly, doot dooting on my tablet.  “Are you going to abandon me too?”

“No,” he said, calmly.  “Neither of us think that’s a mistake.”  He paused  “She’s too close to your problem.”

I set the tablet aside and sat up.  “What do you mean?”

“She lost her parents when she was little.  You know that.  But now you can’t be open with her because if you try to talk openly with her about it, it triggers her.  The whole topic just makes her angry.  I talked to her about this.  Well, I talked, anyway.”  He chuckled nervously.  “She’s not mad, well, anymore, anyway.  I don’t think she realized.”

“Well, I did,” I said, still with a trace of bitterness in my voice.  “I thought she’d be my rock.  And she…  she’s not.”

He shook his head.  “Not on this topic, she’s not.  Lily,” he said, “We’re adults.  We adopted you.  We love you.  And…” he shook his head sadly.  “We’re as human as you.”

I was quiet.

“Maybe I’m not Sabby,” he said quietly.  “But I’m still here.  Tell me what’s going on.”

“I don’t…”

“No,” he said.  “I understand why you don’t want to talk to Sabby about it.  But I have to insist you talk to me about it.  How you’re behaving is entirely unlike you and I’m not going to have you sulking around the house snapping at everything that moves.  Sabby wasn’t in the right, but neither were you.  What’s going on?”

I was quiet for a moment.  “She abandoned me,” I said in a small voice.

“Who?  Sabby?”

“No,” I said.  “Emiko.”

“Oh,” he said.  “But that doesn’t explain..”

“YES IT DOES,” I almost shouted. “She abandoned me!  I was an infant and she had me and she gave me up!  She didn’t want me!  No one wants me!”  Tears were springing to my eyes.  Dammit here I go crying again.  “I’m ANGRY dammit!  I hate her!  I hate her I hate her I hate her!  She didn’t want me and now I know who she is and I don’t want to see her but I do and I hate her!  I HATE HER!” I was punching his chest now and sobbing, I didn’t even know I was doing it.  “How could she leave me?,” I wailed.  “How could she put me through this???  Why do people abandon me!  And now Sabby!  Is she going to abandon me too???”

To his credit, he didn’t say anything.  He just wrapped his arms around me and pulled me tight to him and let me sob it out.  My crying had turned into just wails at this point.  Second time in a week, and for different reasons.

It took me a while to cry it out, and fifteen minutes later I was just hiccupping and sniffling and my nose was red and I was just a huge mess.  “How could she?,” I sniffled.  “How could she?”

I was running out of energy.  The sobs turned into sniffles and then…  and then I fell asleep.  How embarrassing!  Right on his shoulder!

I woke up under my covers a little while later, and…  and there was another chocolate milkshake next to my bed.  I choked back a sob.  Oh God after all that and they still bought me a chocolate milkshake.  I didn’t deserve them.

I picked up the milkshake and padded downstairs.  Sabby and Dave were sitting on the couch.  I sat down in the chair across from them.  I sniffled.

“I’m sorry, Lily,” Sabby finally said.  “I messed up, and I messed up badly.  I didn’t realize until Dave told me.  We’re not going to abandon you.”

“But you got so angry.”

“I did.  But like I said earlier.  That’s my problem.  I was wrong.  I should have realized that you’d think I was going to abandon you.  Especially after… after what you learned about your birth mother.”

“I messed up too,” I mumbled.

“Lily, one of us has a forty-mumble-mumble birthday coming up in a few days,” she smirked.  Oh no!  I’d forgotten!, “and one of us is sixteen years old and has memory problems.  I think of the two of us, you are the one with the better excuse.”

“How about we both messed up, but I’ll accept that I’m the sixteen year old and won’t be too hard on myself, and you can beat yourself up until you’re happy.”

Dave smirked, and Sabby frowned.  Then she chuckled.  Then she started laughing. “Deal,” she said, between chuckles, and I ran over and gave her a big hug.  She returned it, her chuckles turning to tears.  “I’m truly sorry, Lily,” she said.

“It’s okay,” I said quietly.  Then as she said “No, it’s not,” I mouthed the words.

That’s the first time I’ve ever seen her at a loss for words.  “Am I that predictable?”

“Sabby, in this house, no one can beat you at beating yourself up.”

Dave’s face was warring with itself.  He had the look of a middle aged man who knew he shouldn’t laugh if he wanted to sleep in the same bed as his wife tonight but couldn’t help it.  She just looked at him and swatted his arm, then she turned to me.

“Touche,” she said, with a smirk.  “Did Dave help?”

“A little,” I said honestly.  “I’m still angry.  Very, very angry.  But it was good to get some of it out.”

“It’s normal to be angry,” she said.  “As you can see, after all these years, I’m still angry.  But I know it’s not their fault.  It’s different in your case,” she said quickly as she saw the look in my eyes, “it was her fault.  But she wants to meet you.  At least let her explain herself.  That’s..” she sniffed, “that’s something my parents never got to do.”

She paused.  “It’s okay to tell her how you feel,” she said.  “If she can’t understand that, then she doesn’t deserve you.  But…” she thought about what to say next.  “Don’t burn your bridges.  Okay?  I’d give anything to be able to tell my parents how I feel.  And then.. and then to hug them.” She sniffed.  “Just give her a chance.  Okay?”

“I’ll give her a chance,” I said.  “But she’d better have a good explanation.”

Sabby nodded.  “I actually would like to hear it as well.  She’s definitely got some explaining to do.  From what the social worker said, maybe she can justify it.  But she’d better really sell it,” she said.  There was a little steel in her voice.  “She’s not going to hurt you again.”  She leaned forward and took my hands.  “Lily, even if I get angry, even if we yell and scream and fight with each other, even though I hate it when we fight, I’m never going to abandon you, okay?  Never, ever.  I’m your adopted mother and you’re stuck with me, for better or for worse.”

I choked back a sob.  “Promise?”

“I promise,” she said, and I wiped my eyes.

“I’m going to my room,” I said.  “I’m drained.  I’m guessing Beth doesn’t have a new friend?”

“Well, the girl liked her well enough.  Beth couldn’t run away fast enough.  I mean, really?  A cheerleader?  I can’t imagine Beth hanging around a cheerleader.”  She shuddered.  “Talk about oil and water…”  She sighed.  “You were right, Lily.”

“About what?”

“I wish you’d have put it a little nicer, and especially not in front of our company, but you were right.  I was trying to run a Beth friend dating service and it’s just a disaster.  Beth and I need to figure something else out.”

“No one can fault your intentions,” I said, “But… Beth’s a special girl.  I don’t think you’re going to find a friend for her like that.  She needs someone who’s her intellectual equal.  Like Liz, but younger.  Goodnight,” I yawned.

I grabbed my milkshake and went upstairs to see Beth for a little bit before I went to bed.  Tomorrow was a big day.  And I had no idea how it was going to turn out.

Before I went to bed I chatted with Jack.  He was worried about me.  He was right to be.  I told him things were a bit better, and he seemed relieved.  Nevermind the fact that I’m head over heels in love with him, he is such a nice boy.  And he’s an incredible kisser.  He wished me luck tomorrow.  I thanked him.  I’m gonna need every bit of luck there is.

Who knows.  But I could do lots worse than to marry him someday.

And I have to think of what to get Sabby for her birthday!

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 30 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m feeling a little better today.  I cried myself to sleep a little but I was able to sleep, and I had okay dreams.  No nightmares or anything like that.  The cat decided to crawl up and sleep next to me, and she rarely does that, so that was nice.  I don’t talk much about the cat.  We get along.  She washes her butt and plays with stuff and scratches things, and sometimes crawls on your lap and purrs.  Just a cat.  Her name is Cat.  They let David name her.

I guess it fits.

So I went to work this morning, after running.  Back to the daily grind.  The owner was very happy to see me and put me right to work.  He did see something in my eyes, though and asked me what was wrong.  I gave him a very brief version.

He thought for a bit, and said “You’re young.  Remember.  Love is a choice.  In India we had arranged marriages.  That’s how I met my wife.  And we love each other.  We have for years.  She chose to love me and I chose to love her.  It was hard work, but it happened.  If you choose to love each other, nothing will tear you apart.  Not distance, not beliefs, nothing.  But if you don’t, then everything will.  You have to decide how badly you want it.  Both of you.”

I thanked him, and went off to doot doot and stock shelves and do all the stuff that you do at that job.  He’s a little different, but he’s a nice enough guy.  He always tries to take care of us – it’s like we’re his extended family.  We take care of him, he takes care of us.  Oh, I had a little souvenir for him that I bought.  He appreciated it and put it on his desk.

It was a little harder to be cheerful and bubbly but I managed it.  I was a little meaner to the occasional karen than usual, though.  The owner just stood there and smirked.  He hates karens as much as everyone else.  Of course, there’s a limit to how mean I’m allowed to be.  And that’s fair.  Karens are people too.

Even if they try their best not to act like it sometimes.

After I got home, Sabby sat me down.

“I don’t think I’ve ever told you how I met Dave, did I?”

I shook my head.  “I figured you’d tell me when you wanted me to know.”

“You can ask me anything, Lily.  Dave too.  The worst we’ll say is we don’t want to talk about it.  But you’re always welcome to ask.”

I nodded.  She looked pensive.

“I told you I was a wild child,” she said sadly.  “When I was your age, I had a few boyfriends.  I didn’t… I didn’t make the kinds of decisions you did.  My foster parents were always there for me, but they didn’t tell me the things I told you.  I was always out, drinking, doing other things that weren’t good for me.  It was a very… dark… time of my life, Lily.  I had no reason to live and I was just trying to get from one day to the next.”

I sat and let her continue.  Emotions were warring on her face.  I guess some things don’t ever truly go away, just dull with time.

“I met this boy, though.  He seemed to have it together.  He got good grades in school, was quiet, kept to himself.  Something about him attracted me, and I wanted to make him another one of my boyfriends.”  She paused.  “He refused.”

“He refused?”

“Yeah,” she said, quietly.  “He told me he thought I was beautiful and that he was truly sorry for all the things that had happened to me, but he didn’t want the kind of life I was heading for.”  She shifted in her seat.  “Do you remember when I said I was faced with a choice?  Whether to stay with the past or to move on to the future?”

I nodded.

“He was that choice.”

My breath hitched.  “Really?”

She nodded.  “I had to choose.  Should I go for the life I had, or the life I wanted?  And what kind of life did I want anyway?  Thankfully he never completely closed the door.  He just said that he didn’t want the kind of life I was heading for.”  She sniffled a bit.  “So I dumped all of my boyfriends.  I stopped drinking and doing other things.  I started taking school seriously.  It was hard.  One of the hardest things I’ve ever done.  But…  but he noticed.  And eventually he agreed to go on a date with me.”  Her eyes were far away.  “He was wonderful.  Everything I’d ever dreamed.  And soon I’d fallen for him.  Hard.  But he hadn’t fallen for me, yet.  He was still cautious.  He didn’t know if I’d go back to the life I had before I met him.”

She sighed.  “He was right to be.  But he came around eventually.  And he was worth it.  He’s not a perfect man, Lily.  He’s got his faults, just like you and me and everyone else.  But I fell in love with him at your age, and I never fell out of love with him.  It’s been years now.  We have two… three children and a nice house and he’s still everything to me.  I love him just as deeply.  Maybe more.”

I stayed silent.  It was a nice story, but I didn’t know where she was going with it.

“He was worth everything I gave up.  Absolutely everything.  All the boyfriends, all the drinking, everything.  He was worth more than all of that.  Someday, Lily, you’re going to have to decide what someone’s worth to you.  Maybe Jack.  Maybe someone else.  But there is no relationship at all that is without sacrifice, without giving something up.  There’s always a price.  And if he’s worth the price, whoever he is, pay it.  Pay it and don’t look back.”  She sighed.  “But whether he’s worth the price, and what the price is, is something only you can decide for yourself.”

“How did you get so wise, Sabby?  You were sooo right about.. about earlier.  I didn’t know how right you were.  I couldn’t.  How?”

She sighed.  “School of hard knocks.  I did everything wrong before I did everything right.  You’ll understand that in time too.  I told you, you made better decisions than… than I did.”

I believed her.  I would have believed nearly anything she told me at that point.  Before she’d earned my respect, but now she’d earned my trust.

“I think God every day that Dave gave me a chance.  A chance to prove to him I was willing to pay the price to be with him.  And what I didn’t know was that in paying the price, I was freeing myself as well.  Sometimes that happens, Lily.”  She sighed.  “Sometimes you think you’re paying a price but what you’re giving up was already costing you far more.”

She patted my knee.

“What do you want for dinner?  Your choice.  Spaghetti, spaghetti, or spaghetti?”

I pretended to think.  “How about spaghetti?”

“That’s a great idea, Lily.  I hadn’t thought of that.”  And she went off to make spaghetti.  I didn’t mind.  She makes the best spaghetti ever.  With meat sauce and lots of parmesan and mushrooms and OMG is it good.

I had Sabby on my side.  She knows things.  She is my rock.  And I love her.  But now I more than love her.  I trust her.

After dinner I asked Dave if I could talk to him.

“Sabby told me how you two met.”

He nodded.

“I have a question.  She told me she had a bunch of boyfriends and wasn’t… behaving well.  But eventually you came around and fell for her too.  What made you give her a chance?”

He looked thoughtful.  “You don’t ask easy questions, do you, Lily?”

I chuckled.  “The easy questions aren’t worth asking, are they?”

“I suppose not,” he said.  He leaned back in his favorite chair, and thought for a bit.  “People are complicated, Lily.  Some are just rotten through and through.  You peel away their rotten layer and all you find is more rot.  But some people are just rotten on the surface.  They have this layer of horrible hurt and pain and they act out and lash out and behave in horribly irresponsible ways.  You’d think they were awful people.  But then you look deeper and you find out that they’re actually really wonderful people and no one’s bothered to dig deep enough to see that.”

I nodded.  I’d seen Sabby’s chewy center.  I wouldn’t call what she has on the surface “rot”, but then, I didn’t know her back then either.  She’d described some truly self-destructive behavior.

“You can’t ignore the rot.  It’s there and it will get you hurt.  But if they see the rot too, and if they want to work at getting rid of the rot, and you’re willing to wait for them to get their act together, well, maybe what’s underneath it is worth it.”  He paused.  “It was for Sabby.  She turned out to be this wonderful woman who just wanted what everyone else wants in life.  Someone to love, someone to love her, a little security, a little happiness…” He looked wistful.  “And when she realized that, then, well, I could work with that.”

“When did you know realize you loved her?”

He looked wistful.  “We were on a date,” he said.  “I told her she’d changed.  That she used to be this wild girl who was always out with boys and drinking and…  she wasn’t doing that anymore.  I asked her what made her change?  What made her get her act together?  She looked at me and there was the most vulnerable look in her eyes, one I’d never seen in them before.  And she said that I was worth giving all of that up for.  Sometimes people just say something, and you know they mean it with all their heart, and it just penetrates right through all your defenses and you’re left utterly speechless.”  He paused.  “That was one of those moments.  When I knew she really did love me.  Even if she didn’t know it herself, necessarily.”  He looked wistful.  “I saw something in her that night that I hadn’t seen before.  And I wanted to do anything, anything at all, to see it in her eyes again.  That’s when I knew I’d fallen for her.”

I thought of Jack, and some of the things he’d said to me, the things that made me melt and my breath hitch and my heart jump out of my chest, and I thought I knew what he meant.  It’s not what Jack said.  It’s how he said it.  When I knew he meant it with every fiber of his being, when the look in his eyes promised nothing but truth and love.

“What do you think of Jack?”, I said.

“Never met the boy,” he said.  “I hope he doesn’t hurt you.  But from what you’ve described and what Sabby’s told me, he could be the real deal.”  He paused.  “If he is the real deal – only you can decide that – but if he is…  don’t let him go.  Some things are worth fighting for.”  He leaned back in his chair.  “Sabby fought for me.  She thought I was worth it.  And years later, and two – no, three – kids later, I am so glad she did.”

I hugged Dave, thanked him, and walked up the stairs to my room, lost in thought.  Is he the real deal?  I don’t know.  It’s only been a week.  I don’t think it’s fair to either of us to try to make that call just yet.

But he could be.  He could be.  And that’s worth putting some effort into.  Dontcha think??

I’m not going to relate all of the conversations that Jack and I have from now on.  It’ll just get repetitive to talk about how we make virtual googy eyes at each other.  But we talked about what Beth had said, about him being able to come visit every now and then.  He hadn’t thought of that either.  Frankly, I think both of us were so caught up in the whole “Florida being far away from both of us” and “dramatic Romeo and Juliet” thing that we’d forgotten that Liz and her parents were just a few houses down, and they actually come to visit every now and then.  We’d still have to work at it.  It still might be difficult.  And it might not even work.  But it doesn’t seem quite as hopeless as before.  For either of us.

Maybe someday I’ll be in his arms again.  I can’t wait.

He’s not my boyfriend.  I’m not his girlfriend.  Yet.  But if that time comes…  I’d say yes without any reservation at all.

I did go over to Liz’s house for a little while to thank her parents.  Her father was getting ready for a business trip, but I told them how much I appreciated them taking me along with them.  I know that makes them a bit uncomfortable but I really had to say it.  It was one of the best times of my life and it wouldn’t have happened without them.  I gave them a hug and spent a little time with Liz, too.  She told me all about the guy behind the front desk.  He was a dud, but she did get her first kiss, and while it wasn’t earth shattering, it was about what she expected for a vacation romance.

After all, every girl needs a vacation romance once in her life, right?

Love you all! ❤️

This diary entry is part 19 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Two days!  Can you believe it?  I’m soooo excited!  I’ve never even been out of state before – that I can remember, anyway.  I’ve never been on an airplane, that I can remember.  I’ve never been to Disney World, that I can remember.  I’m not just excited to go to Orlando, I’m just excited to make a memory.  I have so few of my own.

People don’t understand.  They take their memories for granted.  They remember things – good things, bad things.  They know who they are.  They even know their name!  How precious is a name?  I mean, I did get to choose mine, but a name is a gift that someone gives you when you’re born!  I don’t know what mine is!  It makes me sad sometimes.

Even if I were to choose to keep “Lily”, at least I’d know what my parents wanted me to be named.  That means something.  Don’t you think?

I imagine it’s easy for all of you readers to forget that Lily isn’t my real name.  Well, I guess it is legally.  And it’s what everyone calls me.  But I chose it.  I had to name myself, because no one else knew.  That’s such an awful thing.  I think so, anyway.  No one else knew.

But this isn’t a time for sadness!  I’m going to make a memory next week!  Maybe lots of memories!  Liz told me that her cousin has a little sister and she’ll be there too.  Maybe we’ll get along too!  Liz has a kind of smirk, though, when she talks about her cousin.  I wonder why.  Is she a little weird?

Tomorrow I’m going to work, then tomorrow night I’m going to make sure everything’s all packed up.  The flight leaves at 8:15 AM so we have to be there early!  I mean sooooo early!  I may not even sleep!  But it’ll be worth it!  Sooo fun!!!  Liz tells me we’re just going to relax on Sunday, and then on Monday comes the fun stuff!  YAAAAY!!!  I can sleep!!!

Oh oh oh…   I mentioned that a potential friend for Beth was coming over today!  Yeah, that worked.  NOT.  The family was nice enough, the parents were, well, parents, there was a boy about David’s age and they actually kinda hit it off, but the girl was kind of a prissy… umm… I mean…  she wasn’t very nice.  She was not bad looking for a fourteen year old, blonde hair, pretty face, and attitude for ages.  Beth mentioned she liked science and reading and Little Miss Priss said “Science?  Ewww!  Are you a nerd?”  Well, as you can imagine, that was pretty much the end of that.  Dave and Sabby and the parents got along pretty well, but Little Miss Priss was a dud.

She started on me, though.  Told me that I was weird for being adopted, that kind of thing.  I just looked at her and told her I may be weird, but at least I don’t make people hate me just by opening my mouth.  Her parents kinda smirked, I guess they know.  But they didn’t say anything.  I guess that’s why she’s Little Miss Priss.  It was a little awkward after that.  I guess David has a new friend, though.  That’s a good thing.

After they left, Sabby looked a little embarrassed.  Beth just looked at Sabby with the most disdainful look I’ve seen on her face ever since she stopped hating me, and told her if those are the kinds of friends she wants her to make, well, at least her old friends didn’t insult her to her face.  Then she stomped up to her room and slammed the door.

Sabby looked a little more than embarrassed then.  Poor Sabby.  Good intentions backfire again.  She just announced she was going to take a bath, went up to her room, and that was that.

Truthfully, Beth kinda had a point.  Sabby might need to refine her approach a bit.  I’m not sure having a revolving door of potential new friends every Friday is going to work out too great.  But it’s between Sabby and Beth, so oh well.

Anyway, I’ve got to work tomorrow.  Since I’m leaving on Sunday, Liz isn’t staying over tonight.  I guess Beth and Sabby leave for whatever they’re going to do on Monday or Tuesday, and same with Dave and David going fishing.  Hope they catch lots of fish!  Fish is tasty!  Especially when Sabby prepares it!

Fish is one of the few things you can’t put chocolate on!  Ewww!

Anyway, I’ve got to sleep.  Love you all!!! ❤️

 

This diary entry is part 13 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  Eight days to Orlando!!!!!!!

I shouldn’t have done that, I got through work today with some caffeine, but even though I’m young, I’d still rather be bright eyed and figuratively bushy tailed (I don’t have a tail) than sleepwalking through the day.  After I got home from work I took a nap.  I feel a little better now.  Still, I won’t do that again.  Oh, who am I kidding.  I absolutely would.  But I’ll try not to, anyway.

We had so much fun, last night!  Beth had the bright idea to play “truth or dare”, and we all agreed.  I learned a lot more about Liz than I wanted!  I lucked out though!  I have no memories!  So I’d always choose “truth”, and then they’d ask me a question, and I’d say “I don’t know”, and it’s the truth!  Ever kissed a boy?  I don’t know!  Most embarrassing moment?  Musta been that talk Sabby gave us!  Both Beth and Liz ended up forcing a rule change that any “I don’t know” from me gets turned into a dare.  At that point it devolved into making me do silly dances and other silly stuff.  I drew the line when Beth wanted to make me do something truly embarrassing.  I don’t even have that kind of underwear!!!  And even if I did, I’m not walking down the street in it!  Thankfully, Liz took my side on that one, and told her that if she kept that up, She’d have that dare next time Liz got to ask her.  She gulped and took it back.  I just had to shout “I’m a teapot” instead, and that woke up a ticked off Sabby.  At that point it was lights out.  Fine by me, I was tired anyway.  We ended up in a big ol’ snoring girl pile.

Beth and I are gonna have to have a little talk, I think, though.  That kind of crossed the line.  Liz isn’t holding it against her, but I could see on Liz’s face.  That was a bit too much like the old Beth.  We really need to have a conversation.

After I took my nap, Dave told me he was going to teach me how to change the oil and tires in my car.  Probably past time anyway.  So he grabbed Beth and David too, and we trudged out.  Dave already had the car in the driveway.  He showed me how to lift it up (that’s a neat little machine!), remove the drain plug, change the filter, put the drain plug back, and pour in more oil.  Easy!  Changing a tire is also easy – just have to remember to loosen the little nuts before lifting the car, and tighten them again before rolling off.  I have nearly enough money in my account to pay for driving lessons!  Yay!  But we’ll do that after I get back from Orlando.

Tires are heavy!  But cars are heavier!  Still, good to know.  He also had Beth and David change a tire for good measure.  David had a bit of trouble because of how heavy the tires were, but it’s more important that he know than to be able to do it well for right now.

Afterwards, we had a nice dinner.  I love spaghetti, even though it’s sooo messy!  It tastes soooo good!  Especially with mushrooms and lots of parmesan.  Sabby can really cook!  She made garlic bread too!  OMG that’s soo good!

After dinner, Dave took me aside for a little talk.  It was kind of similar to the one Sabby gave me, but it was from a man’s point of view.  I won’t go into details because this isn’t a PG post, but it was good to know.  Men are more complicated than they look!  It’s a little awkward, but I’m glad they’re telling me all of this.  It’s better to know it when you need it.

Anyway, no staying up tonight.  I have to work tomorrow!  Then next weekend I go to Orlando!  SQUEEEEEE!!!!

Love you all!!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 8 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

 Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So yesterday, Dave did grill.  I think I was right – he grills as a way to work things out sometimes.  He’s a very emotional man, but he’s not really all that good at expressing it.  I guess a lot of men are like that.  He’s not mean about it or anything, but you can tell when he’s upset.  He’ll rarely tell you why, though.  It’s not so much that he’s private, it’s just that he’s… reserved, I guess.  So he went outside with some meat and grilled up a storm.  I gotta admit, I LOVE it when Dave grills.  He’s just so good at it!  It’s not quite as good as chocolate, but it’s almost as good, and that’s really a compliment!!!  It really does taste like summer or fall or whatever, just soooooo good.

Sabby thinks so too, I think.  When Dave gets in a grilling mood, she makes potato salad and other fixins and we have a bit of a feast, and there’s always some left over for lunch too.  It’s not the most cost effective thing, I suppose, but it works out.  At least so far, if you shop wisely, meat isn’t so bad.

This evening, Liz is staying over, but her parents came to visit too.  This time they brought food for all of us.  Liz’s mother is such a good cook!  It’s just, she cooks things a little differently.  Sabby likes pasta and rich sauces, and they like veggies and light sauces and rice.  It’s still really good, though.  Even David cleaned his plate.  For dessert we had chocolate, though.  Neither Sabby nor I are willing to give that up for a cultural exchange.  Hah!

Afterwards, we all talked for a while.  I told them how excited I was to go to Orlando (in nine days!  SQUEEEEEE OMG OMG) and they seemed a bit uncomfortable with the thanks.  The thing is, they’ve been a little concerned about Liz too.  Even though they’ve pushed her hard to excel academically, she hasn’t had many friends, and they did notice.  Now that she has me as a friend and “other family” that obviously cares about her, they want to encourage that.  They acknowledge that maybe it’s a little overkill, but I’m not going to complain!  They are just happy to do it.  Honestly, they say, it’s not all that much more of an expense (they’d have to pay for the rooms and most of the flights anyway) and they’re just happy to see Liz have a friend.  We’re not just going to Disney World too!  There are other fun places!

I’d be a friend even without!

Liz could come over before, but she just doesn’t seem as… guilty… about it.  Her parents still expect her to succeed, but they don’t want to drive her to hate them in the process.  Even Liz thinks that’s fair.  She does like doing schoolwork and music and stuff.  She just doesn’t want that to be the only reason her parents love her.

We watched a movie, but it wasn’t really an interesting movie.  I don’t even remember what it was called.  Afterwards, Liz’s parents said their goodbyes and went back to their house, but Liz got into her pajamas, she’s going to sleep over!  We’re going to stay up way too late and talk and play games and eat chocolate, and Beth’s even invited!  It’ll be fun!  So I should go do that.  Girl time is fun!

Love you all!!!!  Tomorrow is Saturday!  So I can’t stay up TOO late because I have to work.  But I’m young and caffeine is a thing, so…  on to the fun!  Liz is yelling that the game is set up and Beth just made popcorn!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 12 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  It’s Veteran’s Day, so we get school off today!  Yay!  I thought I’d write a bit early today, I just went for my run, and I’m all smelly and sweaty, but you can’t see or smell!  To you I smell like flowers and am sitting here in a formal gown with my hair all nicely done up!  But I’m not!

I bet I’d look so cute in a formal gown.  I should try one on someday.

Anyway, I’m doing a lot better today.  You might have wondered where Beth was in all of that.  Well, she was concerned, and I explained it to her the best I could.  She hugged me and asked if there was anything she could do, and I just said “be Beth”.  Honestly, though, I leaned a lot more on Sabby and Liz.  I didn’t want to put all of that on Beth, she has enough going on.  Sometimes you have to choose, not because you don’t want to share, but because you don’t want to relive it over and over with different people.  She seemed to understand.

I hope someday I find the answers I’m looking for, but I have to accept the possibility that I never will.  And if I don’t, well, life is okay.  I don’t know who I was, but I know who I am, and that’s a Smith.  I’ll never not be a Smith.  Maybe I’ll just add another name to that.  I think it’s most important to me, of all things, to just know if they loved me.  If I know that they did, if they’re alive, or dead, then that’s most important.  I just want to know I was loved.

Anyway, today’s Veteran’s Day.  It seems impactful to Dave for some reason, but I’m not sure why.  He’s never told me whether he was in the military or not, and I never asked.  I still don’t really know, I figure it’s not my business.  But for young folks like me, it’s a day off .  For him, it seems to be something different, not a happy occasion.  I asked last year on Veteran’s day why he seemed so contemplative.  He thought for a little bit, and then said, “I know a lot of people who served, Lily.  They were… never quite the same afterwards.  War is hell.  Respect that they cared enough to go through that, but never forget that war is hell.”

And that’s all he’d say.

Maybe that was enough.

It’s funny how he seemed a little less bothered by Memorial Day.  Maybe it’s because he’s more personally affected by those who lived through it.  I don’t know.  Dave is a good guy, but he’s hard to talk to sometimes.  Maybe he’ll work out some of his feelings with grilling.  It’s a win/win for everyone!

Ten days to Disney World!!!!  Oh I’m soooo excited!  But I’ve already said what I’m so excited about, so I guess I’ll just say I’m excited!  I still don’t know what Beth and Sabby are going to do, but Beth is really excited too!!!

Love you all!!!  And to all the Veterans out there…  I don’t know what it’s like.  I don’t understand any of it.  But thanks for caring enough to go through all of that. I’m sure for most of you your heart was in the right place.  ❤️

This diary entry is part 7 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  The one and only!

14 days to go to Disney World!  I’m soooo excited!  So much!  I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to it!  Roller coasters!  Lots of sugary stuff!  Chocolate that looks like mouse ears!  Liz!  Who knows what else!  It’s so much fun!  Sabby is still fussing over me a little, she’s made a list and checked it twice and is telling me not to be naughty, but nice!  I’m always nice!  I’m a good girl!  Except when I prank Dave!  Muahahaha!

But she worries anyway.  I guess I don’t blame her.  Momma Bear gonna mom.

You might wonder why I don’t call her “mom” and Dave “dad”.  Well, there’s a simple reason for that.  I love that they’ve taken me into their family, and they treat me as much like a daughter as I have any right to expect.  More, even.  And I love them, more than I’ve ever been able to express.  But they’re not my “real” parents.  I have a mom and a dad out there somewhere, though I don’t know who they are.  Are they alive?  Are they dead? Did they abandon me?  Did they want me?  I don’t know.  I wish I knew.

Maybe someday I will meet my real mom and dad and they will have had a good reason for having left me by the side of the road.  Maybe they were in the hospital, or dead, and whatever hurt or killed them is the same thing that caused me to lose my memory.  Maybe they loved me as much as Dave and Sabby, and we’ll meet and hug and I’ll have two more parents.  And if that someday happens, it kind of cheapens it to have two moms and two dads, don’t you think?

Or maybe they just abandoned me, or didn’t want me, and erased all traces of themselves just so they’d want nothing more to do with me.  I hope not, but it’s possible.  And if that happens, then, well, Sabby and Dave become mom and dad, and to hell with my real parents.  I hope it’s not the case.  I hope with everything I am that they do love me.

Sabby was an orphan too.  She understands.  She knows what it’s like to not know your real parents, and that it leaves a hole in your heart that others can’t live in.  She gets it.  That’s why she never pressures me.  She knows she’s Sabby, and Dave is Dave, and that doesn’t mean I love them any less.  I always, always will, even if I find my real parents and they love me too.  Always.

I don’t like to think about it.  I like to be a happy Lily, going to the park and twirling around with my new haircut.  I like to be bubbly and cheerful and happy and fun to be around, and I like to make new memories with the people who care about me now.  But sometimes I do lie awake in bed and wonder.  Who are they?  Who am I?  Why did they hurt me like this?  What did I do to deserve it?  Why don’t I know and why is no one telling me?  But then I look around my room at all the nice things Dave and Sabby have given me, even though they didn’t have to.  And I’ll cry.  Both at the loss, but at what I’ve found too.  Maybe losing my memory and my parents is the best thing to ever happen to me.

And that hurts just as much.

I had to work today, but the rest of the family went to watch Allison play a baseball game.  I’ve never been to a baseball game.  Is it fun?  They went to the park and Allison really whacked that ball!  It went flying and she ran and ran.  She was soooo happy!  After the game Sabby dragged David over to Allison and made him apologize to her.  She was so happy at whacking the ball that she forgave him.  I don’t think there’ll be any cute kid crushes in the near, far, distant future, or ever, but at least she doesn’t give him the stink eye anymore.  That’s something.

Then they all went to a chain restaurant and had dinner.  I was still working, but that was okay.  I still had leftover grilled meat I could put in the microwave and it’s just as good the second time around!

So we start another week.  More school…. oh!  I forgot!  Remember that $20 bill that Sabby keeps trying to give me back?  Well, somehow she got hold of my bank account info, and guess what I found in my account?  Point to Sabby.  Why is it that they’re so much better at these kinds of things?  Dave got me so good with that cayenne pepper, and Sabby is just a force of nature, I can’t keep up!  I’m not sure I want to try anymore.  Not to say I won’t jump (hah) at the chance to get Dave back if it comes up, but maybe I should just admit defeat.  Maybe next time he’ll put chocolate in a little cage, light a blowtorch, and tell me to back off or the chocolate gets it.  I wouldn’t put it past him.

I love chocolate too much.  No, I don’t.  No such thing.  I’d marry it but I don’t want kids that melt in the bathtub.  Hahaha.  Guess it’s a boy for me.  Someday.  But he’d better not get between me and my chocolate!  He can have hobbies, and prank me, and joke with me, and be a silly billy all he wants.  But he touches that chocolate and it’s the doghouse for him!  Hahah!!!

I’m only somewhat kidding.  Poor guy.

I’ve been thinking about boys.  I still feel like I’m not ready for a boyfriend or anything.  But…  there’s this emptiness inside me I can’t explain.  It’s like there’s a piece of me that’s missing and only someone who loves me that way will ever fill it.  Will someone kiss me someday?  What will it be like?  Will it be fun?  I don’t know.  Maybe someday I’ll find out.  I hope at least the first time it’s all sweet and romantic.

I should go!  Beth needs her hair brushed!  Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 6 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

OMG!  Sabby took me to the hairstylist today, and I look so cute now!!!  Kawaii!!!  I’ll post a picture.  I was sooo happy I was twirling and dancing, though I fell over dizzy and just laid there giggling!  It’s so much fun being a girl!!!  Well, sometimes.

Tonight is the end of Daylight Sabbings!  I mean Daylight Savings!  Hahah!  I get an extra hour of sleep!  And I get paid too!!!  How cool is that?  I’m having the best weekend!  And 15 days to Disney World!!!

Otherwise, it was quiet today.  I worked.  Oh, I’m getting good at riding a bicycle!  I rode it to work!  But I had to take it inside and park it near the back door because people steal bikes! Awwww! But I’m not wibbling and wobbling anymore!  I’m riding!

Anyway, short entry today.  Dave grilled today and I want some of that really good, NON CAYENNE PEPPERED chicken!  Hear that, Dave?  NO CAYENNE PEPPER!!!  haha!  Fool me once…  He is so good at it, though.  He makes the best grilled meat!  I don’t understand vegans!  I mean, meat!  Soooooo good!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I like cows and chickens and all that, and they are cool and cute and nice to have around, but so delicious too!!!

Anyway, enough.  Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 4 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me, Lily!  And I HURT!

Let’s just say cayenne pepper doesn’t just hurt going in and leave it at that.  Dave got me so good.  Credit to him.  I haven’t decide if I’m going to escalate, but he sure does give as good as he gets.  Maybe I’ll find a prank that’s a little more jokey and a little less scary.  But hey, it was Halloween.

It’s…  what, 17 days to Disney World?  I lost count but it sounds right.  My tablet should be arriving any day!  Sabby’s going to buy Beth one too!  She’s not getting David one, though.  He’s too young, and he doesn’t need another excuse to be irresponsible with his electronics.  I still don’t know what she’s going to do with Beth, but they’re both really looking forward to it.  I’m glad.  Both Sabby and Beth seem to feel like their relationship isn’t going as well as it used to, and they need this time together.  Plus, I’ll be at Disney World!!!  It’s not exactly like I’m left out!

I think Dave is going to have a fishing trip with David.  They’ll camp out somewhere and get up early and catch the fishes.  If they’re successful, we’ll have fish for dinner for days!  If they’re not, well, at least it’s bonding time for the two of them.  It makes me happy that they’re making the effort.  You know, that’s how you can tell a bad parent from a good parent.  Both good parents and bad parents make mistakes.  Sometimes a lot of mistakes.  Sometimes good parents can hurt their children deeply.  But the difference is that good parents try.  They listen to their children when they are hurt and course correct if they have to.  And both Sabby and Dave are course correcting.  That’s what makes them good parents.

I think if someone truly loves you, almost anything can be forgiven.  And if they don’t, almost nothing can.  Probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but I think it’s right.

I talked to Sabby and I think I’m going to get my hair done this weekend with a new hairstyle.  I can’t wait!  I like my hair as it is because it’s easier to maintain, but it’s kind of boring.  I like being cute!  And if I don’t like it I can always go back.  I’ll post a picture too!!!  Maybe not the same day, but soon!!!

Anyway, I need to go to bed!  Bed is so nice!  It’s soft and warm and when the sheets are freshly washed, smells so nice!  I like bed!  But I like brushing Beth’s hair too!  And when she brushes mine!  I love having a sister, did I say that??  And chocolate!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️