Category: Diary

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Am I really feeling better?  I don’t know.  Maybe I am?  At least I’m not staring at a wall anymore.  There’s really only so long you can stay really depressed before just the depression itself becomes exhausting, isn’t it?

That’s really something I miss about Japan.  Say what you will about some things, some very nice shrines with beautiful, well taken care of gardens are always a short train ride away, and you can put on a yukata or kimono, and go down to one, and sit on a bench and listen to the birds, crickets, and cicadas, watch the colorful fishes swimming around, and if you feel like it, get a fortune and ring the bell and clap…  but there’s nothing like that here, in Texas.  Just suburban houses and dead or dying grass and flat land as far as the eye can see… I guess Lake Travis is something, but not a whole lot.  Not like Japan.

I don’t hate it here… it’s my home.  But…  it’s not Japan in that way.  There’s a lot less natural peace to be found here.  Though sometimes it’s funny when I go to the grocery store and see lots of really dumb birds hanging around the parking lot and barely avoiding getting run over.

Is it really fair that I got depressed?  I mean there’s stuff going on in the middle east right now that makes my life seem like an idyllic paradise.  But sometimes I guess you can’t help how you feel, right?  I mean, you can lecture someone till you’re blue in the face about how they should be feeling this and shouldn’t be feeling that, but at the end of the day, they’re going to feel what they feel and not feel what they don’t feel and no amount of guilt or shame or yelling or pleading or bullying is going to change that.  That’s like life 101.  Human moods are relative, not absolute.  Right?

Well… in other news.

The store is almost completely remodeled. Dave and David work fast, and it didn’t hurt that Dave pulled in some of his workers to get it done faster, and also most of the stuff we did is freestanding or superficial.  Like, we didn’t really have to redo the floors or ceilings or anything, we just built a stage and wired in some musical stuffs.  I think we’ll be doing another grand opening this weekend, and Yuki’s our headliner.  But now we’re doing live music too, and…  we’re going to have to find acts.  Or make our own, I guess.

Also, Rebecca is settling in in her new house.  At least the weather’s nice.  She’s not used to suburban Texas, it’s very different from California, but she seems to like it, and she’s already started going to school and making some new friends.  I guess the new girl from California is always going to be popular!  Well, with some people.  Sometimes Texans don’t like Californians, but I’m sure she’ll grow on them.  She’s not really out there or anything.  Just a normal California girl.

Her friends miss her, but we’re still getting on zoom calls, and still lots of fun to be had.  I guess they just have to do their shopping trips by themselves now.

I’m trying to round the girls up for a trip up there in a couple of weeks.  That should be fun.  I guess it’s up to the parents of everyone but Liz and Yuki, though, whether they’re allowed to go.  It’s a pretty long trip.

Yuki hasn’t been to Dallas yet, so she’s looking forward to that.

Dave is putting up the Halloween decorations this weekend, too.  The safety ladder arrived.  Maybe he’ll stay on it.

Marie wants to go out before bed.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Umm…  why is life like this?

Life is so full of wonderful highs, and crushing lows, and the worst thing is sometimes those come from exactly the same event.

I remember when I first met Jack.  It was in Orlando, and I was attracted to him at first sight.  It was actually a little maddening, I don’t know what I would have done if he hadn’t felt the same way about me.  Every glance, every little touch, it drove me absolutely nuts, and I’d never experienced something like that before.  He had the power to completely fell me with a word.  He still does.  I’m not going to talk like some lovestruck teenager and say I’d follow him anywhere or anything like that…  but he has a lot of power over me, and sometimes I don’t even know if he realizes it.  Maybe he does.  The power doesn’t come from anything bad…  I just love him.  Isn’t that kind of what love is?  A little, anyway.  When you give someone your heart so completely that they could crush it, and you allow them that power, because the only way you can express it is to give them your heart for safekeeping, and trust that they’ll put it in a little velvet box and store it somewhere safe and climate-controlled and sometimes take it out and just gaze at it…  maybe feed it some chocolate.  Do hearts eat chocolate?

But sometimes life goes in, guns a-blazing, and steals that box with your heart in it, and then crushes it right in front of both of you, and neither can really do anything about it, because that’s just how life works.  Isn’t it?

Yuki is over tonight.  She knows something’s wrong but she’s not prying.  Thankfully.  Liz actually really annoyed me last night.  I still love her, she’s my best friend, but when she’s actively trying to get me to cry like that, it just pisses me off.  Thankfully, she backed off and fed me chocolate.  Good Liz.

You know how they say “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all”?  “They” are full of crap.

I guess…  no matter what happens, I’ve still got at least a few months with him.  Might as well make the best of it.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I’m… still depressed.

I did my classes and homework and everything today, but I feel like a dried out husk that could get blown away if a gust of wind comes along.

Sabby got a little upset with me about it.  I don’t care.  I’ve seen her a lot of ways, but never depressed.  Or at least not that she’s shown me.  Maybe she doesn’t understand.  Maybe she does.  Whatever.

I know I’m just eighteen and that there could be many “fish in the sea”.  I’m pretty cute and have a nice body and I bet I could attract any man I really wanted – but I want Jack!  I wanted him ever since the first time I laid eyes on him, and I want him now!  How am I supposed to just turn that off?

Shikataganai I guess.  Can’t be helped.

The only thing I think Sabby was maybe right about is that it would be months before I have to really really choose, and a lot of things can happen before now and then.  But that doesn’t really matter, does it?

Maybe I just need to go shopping and buy some cute shoes.  Retail therapy does work… sometimes.  Maybe not now, but at least it would be a good distraction, right?

Liz is a little worried, too.  She’s over now.  I think she’s trying to get me to cry.  It’s annoying…  but bless her anyway.  Maybe she’s right after all.

Love you all!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

I’m depressed.

I’ve been depressed all day yesterday and all day today.

Not even chocolate fixed it.  And chocolate fixes everything.  Sabby bought me a chocolate milkshake, which was nice of her.  Of course I drank it – maybe chocolate doesn’t fix this, but not drinking chocolate isn’t really an option, is it?

It’s…  like all of the color in the world just disappeared, for me.  I went outside and the sky is this awful shade of blue and everything’s this sickly yellow, and…  at least the air still feels kind of nice, so there’s that.  It’s not 100 degrees anymore, anyway.  Small favors, I guess.

It’s not Jack’s fault.  None of this is his fault.  If there’s blame, it’s on both of us.  It’s not like I didn’t agree to be his girlfriend, is it?

I slept most of the day.  I’m going back to sleep.

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

OMG the weather was so nice today!  It was low 70s and breezy.  I said we were going to go out and do stuff… but it was even better than that!!! We got everyone together and had a party!  Well… sort of a party.  An outdoor party!  We took over a park, and played outdoor games like frisbee and volleyball and stuffs, and then Dave and Jack’s and Liz’s parents grilled!!!  It was the best!!!

It was kind of bittersweet though, in a way.

Jack and I had a chance to sit down and talk for a while.  We haven’t really done that in a long time.  It was perfect… and it wasn’t perfect.  All at the same time.

He’s…  nervous about us.  And…  I don’t think I really blame him.

I’m nervous about us too.

I love the boy.  I really do.  He’s maybe the best thing to happen to me, since.. since… well, a lot.  I met him two years ago and he’s been great.  He’s always treated me well, we’ve never really fought (though we do sometimes annoy each other, but Sabby says that’s pretty normal, Dave annoys her all the time), he’s…  taken care of me in a lot of other ways too (BLUSH) but…  but…  it feels like adulthood is racing at us like a freight train… and how will we survive it?  How???

I mean, I want to go to school in Japan.  It’s not just because it’s Japan, it’s because that’s where half of my heritage is.  I went to Japan before the… umm… event, and I don’t remember it at all!  Is it fair to take that away from me?  Well… it’s not.

It’s not fair at all.

But it’s also not fair to him to go off to a place where he can’t really follow, for years, and then come back and say “ta-da!  Let’s start again where we left off!” and then just expect him to say “Welcome back!  Let’s get married and have kids!!!”  It’s not fair to him!  It’s not!!! And I know it isn’t!

If we’re going to stay together, I may have to forego a dream.

But that might not work either.  I mean, would I resent him for it?  Would I go through the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I went to school in Japan?  Would I look at him every night and see the man who I gave up my dreams for… the man who destroyed my dreams?

None of this would be news to him, by the way.  We discussed all of this.  It took a couple of hours.

One of us is going to have to make a very huge super mega mechakucha sacrifice and it’s not at all fair to either of us.

I don’t know what to do, and neither does he.

I guess it comes down to who gets to make the sacrifice…  or if either of us is willing to.

If we’re looking at it objectively, I guess…  he would be sacrificing “less”, I suppose.  I’d be sacrificing something that cannot ever be replaced.  He’d be sacrificing a few years with me at ready access, but…  I’d be back eventually and we could pick up where we left off.  But four years apart most of the time is asking an awful lot.  And that shouldn’t be a part of the equation anyway.

It’s not fair!  It’s not fair!!!

IT’S NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!!!

I won’t lie.  I cried today.  He comforted me the best he could…  but what could he say?  It’ll be alright?  He never lies to me.  He didn’t this time.  He didn’t say that.

I almost wish he had.

I wanna cry some more.

I hate being an adult.  Not if it means you have to hurt people, or people have to hurt you, and especially when it’s really no one’s fault and it’s just how things are.

Sabby tried to warn me.  About everything.  I didn’t listen.  I couldn’t listen.  I…  I…

I…

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s Friday!!!

Yay!!!

I like Fridays!!!

We had a pizza party tonight!

Those are always fun.

We chowed down on pizza and chocolate and sodas, then we watched lots of anime and played games.

Well…  I guess it sounds boring, doesn’t it?  But it’s not.  It’s always fun spending time with my sisters.

Dave and David and crew are going to start remodeling the front end of the shop this weekend.  I don’t know how Dave does it, but I guess it’s a part of his job – he already got all the permits needed.  We’re going to set up a little stage with sound equipment, and a few tables and chairs…  and add lighting and all sorts of cool stuff.  But here’s the best part – it’s not just for Yuki to do her idol stuff.  We can also do live music!

That should be fun!  Like Bocchi!!!

I didn’t post last night because we were all at the shop after it closed designing stuff.

Tomorrow is supposed to be much cooler!  We’re all planning to go outside and do stuff!!!  We haven’t decided what, but I bet Marie will have a blast too!!!  I invited Jack, he’s studying, but I told him that there’s a such thing as taking it too seriously, and to come have fun with us.  He agreed.  He’s bringing Grace and Lily too.  Everyone loves Grace!!!

Well…  time to sleep I suppose.

Love you all!!!  ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s Wednesday!!!

Ummm…  it’s Wednesday.

Weekdays can be so boring!!!

Awww.

But cooler weather is finally coming!  Some rain tonight and then the heat is hopefully gone for good!  Until next year anyway.  What’s the opposite of a teruterubouzu again?  I’m going to put one out!!!

The movers have gotten all of Rebecca’s stuff and they’re driving a couple of semi trucks across the country!!!  They’re going to fly out this weekend and…  then she’ll be a resident of Texas!!! She’s a little nervous, but she likes Texas people (she says we’re really cool and much more down to earth, yay us!) and she’s getting an even nicer house with a huge pool and movie room and everything.  She’s a little more materialistic than we are, I guess, but she was raised in wealth, so I guess I understand that.  If it’s all you know, it’s all you know, right??

She wants all of us to come up and see her new house though once she gets settled in.  Not all of the girls are, well, really excited about that idea, but they don’t mind Rebecca and her heart’s in the right place, so maybe we’ll all take a trip up someday.

She may be my half sister, but if I didn’t like her, well, I wouldn’t like her.  She really is alright, though.

She won’t be down here in Austin much, though.  The only reason her family could pull off the move is because a lot of Robert’s clients are in Dallas.

She said she might miss the beach, but we have Galveston, etc.. it’s not like a California beach, but, at least it’s a beach.

I don’t have much other news today.  Yuki and Liz are over tonight.  Everyone seems to have accepted Yuki as one of the girls.  Even Marie!!! She’s a little reserved and sometimes she seems to not trust people until she gets to know them, but she’s great, and she’s really fun too.  Sometimes she seems sad, but I kind of understand why, and that’s when we invite her into a girl-pile and cuddle with her, and the sadness seems to melt away.  Not to toot our own horn, but we’re all warm and smell nice (most of the time!) and really care about each other.  How can you not love a pile of love like that?

When she said “it’s all I ever wanted”.. I really think she meant it.  It really is all she ever wanted.  To be loved for who she is and nothing more.

And finding that as an idol is hard.

It’s funny, you know?  You think of an idol a bit like a theme park, there for your entertainment, full of bright lights and good food and cheerfulness… all there for you to consume…  but if you look behind the locked gates you find dinginess and despair and buzzing transformers and soulless fluorescent lights and machine rooms and all sorts of things that you’re not supposed to see – but they’re the way things really are.  And some people really, really hate when their illusions are popped.

Like that first episode of Oshi no ko.

Awww.

And you’d think a Japanese person would not like physical contact all that much, but she…  she can’t get enough.

I guess I get it.

Okay.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

It’s been another quiet day.  I do like quiet days but they don’t make for a good story, do they?  I just go running, I eat breakfast, I do homework, sometimes I go to class… maybe I go to the shop after, or maybe not, depending on how much work I have to do.  I practice piano, maybe go to lessons, sometimes the girls are over or do something silly…  it’s not really all that interesting is it?  But I still write every day because it’s a good habit and because you like to read what I’m up to.  At least I hope you like to read what I’m up to.  Maybe you’re rage-reading.  Maybe you hate my guts and are reading here just to tell all your friends what a jerk I am.  I don’t think I am, but..  maybe?  I mean, do jerks always know they’re jerks?

Interesting question there, I suppose.

Karens don’t always seem to know they’re karens.

So, maybe I’ll tell you all the fun stuff coming up.  Well…  kind of.

Let’s see.  Rebecca’s about to move – I think she flies up to Dallas this weekend.  She’s a little nervous and she’s going to miss her friends, but she’s really popular and she’ll make lots of friends in Texas too.  And there’s always zoom.  Maybe I’ll add a few sisters.

Dave’s trying to figure some time to remodel the front of the store to add a small stage and some audio equipment.  We’ve ordered all the maid outfits and nobody seems to mind – except Baker.  Baker cursed a little in Spanish and said no way no how is she wearing a maid outfit – it’ll just get dirty and floury anyway.

She’s too good, so we just kind of backed off and asked her to at least wear a chef’s hat.

She grumbled a bit but agreed.

Truthfully, I don’t even know why we asked.  She’s in the back, no one sees her, and she prefers it that way.

What else.  Halloween is coming up and it’s only a minor big deal at the Smith house.  Dave’s starting to pull decorations out of the garage and attic, and we told him to buy a better ladder.  He grumbled but it’s on its way.  He’s been pretty injury free lately but is still clumsy, and pressure-washer accidents are never off the table.

I’m going with Liz’s family on vacation Thanksgiving week.  I still don’t know where.

And Ai is coming over for Christmas, and she might be taking at least one of the Aidols with her.

Well, that’s all the news that’s fit to type, I suppose.  Wonder what else will happen.  Guess we’ll find out!

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

The weather is finally breaking!  Next week we’ll have highs in the 70s!  I might even have to break out my track suit or hoodie in the morning!!!  I can’t wait, it’s been a very hot summer!!!

Summers in Texas aren’t the best.  Winters are great!!!  Well…  except for maybe three days in January.

So it’s a Monday.  Mondays aren’t great.  You know, like in that movie, “sounds like someone’s got a case of the Mondays!”.  I can’t remember the name of the movie, though.  Some creepy guy with a red stapler talking about married squirrels.  Oh well.

I’m not really depressed.  I mean, I’m happy enough, I guess.  I’ve got all my sisters and we’re spending lots of time together, and everyone’s getting along pretty well.  Rebecca’s even moving to Dallas or thereabouts really soon!  (she’s been packing and getting ready for the move for a couple of weeks now – they have a lot of stuff).  I’m…  not really all that happy with some things, though.  I mean…  that thing that happened in church.  Why should I be happy about it?  I mean, some people did get helped by it, and great, but it turned me into some kind of prayer warrior or something and now I feel a little guilty that I don’t pray for people, but what if I do and nothing happens?  What if I say I’ll pray for someone and forget to pray for someone?  What if whoever prayed through me never does it again and I stand there like an idiot?  It’s too much responsibility!  I don’t want to!  I don’t want any of this!

But a lot of things have happened to me that I don’t want and didn’t choose.  None of it’s fair and sometimes I wonder whether I really like God after all.  Even though he seems to have taken a personal interest in me for some reason, I still wonder.

But…  maybe it was him that gave me that chocolate milkshake, so I guess it’s something after all.

I just want to live life as a teenage gi – I mean woman.  That’s all I want right now.  I want to spend time with my sisters and boyfriend and go shopping and buy cute shoes and eat stuff that’s way bad for me, and maybe go to class and…  do class stuff and take lessons and… just be normal.

But life doesn’t really seem to have “normal” in mind for me.

And I hate that, really.

Love you all!!! ❤️

Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!

Ummm..  Sundays are pretty cool, I guess.  You get to laze around, and… well, not with Sabby around.  But I don’t have to do go school or do homework or practice or do lessons.  I just get to do what I want.  Sabby still expects me to be useful, but otherwise I can do what I want.

I didn’t go to church though.

I don’t think I want to go to church again.

I mean, I like church well enough, but after what happened last time…  I’m not even embarrassed…  I’m…  I don’t know what to call it.  Unnerved.  Whatever it is I am, if I go back, I’m going to have to deal with a whole bunch of trouble I don’t want to deal with.  Haven’t I had enough trouble?

Anyway, enough of that, I guess.  Nothing interesting’s happened, lately.  I’m sure something will…  but I try to post every day, even when nothing’s happened and it’s boring… should I keep doing that?  We’ll see, I suppose.  At least Dave grilled this afternoon.  Yum!

Oh… did I mention that they fixed my car window?  I don’t remember.  I might have.  They did!  Yay!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️