Hi! It’s me! Lily!!!
OMG the weather was so nice today! It was low 70s and breezy. I said we were going to go out and do stuff… but it was even better than that!!! We got everyone together and had a party! Well… sort of a party. An outdoor party! We took over a park, and played outdoor games like frisbee and volleyball and stuffs, and then Dave and Jack’s and Liz’s parents grilled!!! It was the best!!!
It was kind of bittersweet though, in a way.
Jack and I had a chance to sit down and talk for a while. We haven’t really done that in a long time. It was perfect… and it wasn’t perfect. All at the same time.
He’s… nervous about us. And… I don’t think I really blame him.
I’m nervous about us too.
I love the boy. I really do. He’s maybe the best thing to happen to me, since.. since… well, a lot. I met him two years ago and he’s been great. He’s always treated me well, we’ve never really fought (though we do sometimes annoy each other, but Sabby says that’s pretty normal, Dave annoys her all the time), he’s… taken care of me in a lot of other ways too (BLUSH) but… but… it feels like adulthood is racing at us like a freight train… and how will we survive it? How???
I mean, I want to go to school in Japan. It’s not just because it’s Japan, it’s because that’s where half of my heritage is. I went to Japan before the… umm… event, and I don’t remember it at all! Is it fair to take that away from me? Well… it’s not.
It’s not fair at all.
But it’s also not fair to him to go off to a place where he can’t really follow, for years, and then come back and say “ta-da! Let’s start again where we left off!” and then just expect him to say “Welcome back! Let’s get married and have kids!!!” It’s not fair to him! It’s not!!! And I know it isn’t!
If we’re going to stay together, I may have to forego a dream.
But that might not work either. I mean, would I resent him for it? Would I go through the rest of my life wondering what could have been if I went to school in Japan? Would I look at him every night and see the man who I gave up my dreams for… the man who destroyed my dreams?
None of this would be news to him, by the way. We discussed all of this. It took a couple of hours.
One of us is going to have to make a very huge super mega mechakucha sacrifice and it’s not at all fair to either of us.
I don’t know what to do, and neither does he.
I guess it comes down to who gets to make the sacrifice… or if either of us is willing to.
If we’re looking at it objectively, I guess… he would be sacrificing “less”, I suppose. I’d be sacrificing something that cannot ever be replaced. He’d be sacrificing a few years with me at ready access, but… I’d be back eventually and we could pick up where we left off. But four years apart most of the time is asking an awful lot. And that shouldn’t be a part of the equation anyway.
It’s not fair! It’s not fair!!!
IT’S NOT FAIR AT ALL!!!!!
I won’t lie. I cried today. He comforted me the best he could… but what could he say? It’ll be alright? He never lies to me. He didn’t this time. He didn’t say that.
I almost wish he had.
I wanna cry some more.
I hate being an adult. Not if it means you have to hurt people, or people have to hurt you, and especially when it’s really no one’s fault and it’s just how things are.
Sabby tried to warn me. About everything. I didn’t listen. I couldn’t listen. I… I…