Series: 01 - July 2021

Posts from July 2021

This diary entry is part 1 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I’m new to blogging.  I don’t know what I’m doing, or what to write.  One of my friends set this up for me, and my doctors tell me that writing might help me to remember, so here I am!  I don’t know what to say, but Sabby (my foster mother) thought I should start by telling my story.  So, here goes.

My story starts a year ago.  The first thing I remember was walking down the side of a road.  I remember my clothing was ragged and stained, and I wasn’t feeling great.  That’s all I remember.  I didn’t know my name, where I lived, anything.  It was so scary.  I did remember how to talk, and all that important stuff, but nothing else.

A police car stopped.  They asked me for ID, but I didn’t have any, and I didn’t know who I was.  Finally they took me to the hospital.  I was fine physically, but they couldn’t just toss me out.  There were no records of me.  No one knew who I was, and I didn’t know where I was, and obviously, didn’t know anyone.

They called a family from a local church that the doctor was friends with, and I went home with them.  There was Dave, the father, Sabby, the mother, and a couple of children a little younger than me.

I had such a hard time adjusting.  The children hated me, even though the parents tried their hardest to help as much as they could.  They gave me a nice room, with a soft bed, and I will always be so grateful to them for that!  But I was still so sad.  I stayed in my room for a week, only coming out for meeting with the social workers, to eat, and to shower, and I think I cried through it all.  I had lost the most precious thing that I could possibly lose.  Myself.  They got some spare clothing from people in their church, and while it fit me, it wasn’t mine, and that made me cry even harder.

But I couldn’t cry forever, and soon they took me shopping for clothing.  They bought so many things for me!  There were dresses, and tops, and jeans, and even underwear!  Maybe not the absolute prettiest clothes, but they were nice and I liked them!  I asked Sabby why they did all those things for me.  She told me that I needed it, and they could, and do they need another reason?  I hugged her so tightly, I think her ribs are still bruised.

Soon I had to go to school.  I didn’t want to go, as I didn’t know anyone.  I didn’t even know myself.  But they told me that it was important for a girl my age to go to school and be with other children my age, especially with my lack of memory.  So I went to school, even though it was mostly online because of that virus that’s going around.  It was so overwhelming at first!  But soon I met Liz, who became my best friend.  I was a novelty at first, the girl with no memory, but most of them actually accepted me!  Yay me!  Liz and I do everything together, and I don’t know what I would do without her!  I think I love sports and I want to try out for them, but I have to wait until sports come back after summer break.

That’s my story.  I still have no more memory of who I am than I did on that day.  It hasn’t been easy.  But I met my family (even the children grew to tolerate me!), I met my friends, I have a place to sleep, food to eat, and clothing to wear, and I even got to choose my own name!

Now I am on summer break.  My family won’t let me be lazy and sleep all the time (and I love to sleep!) so I have to do something useful with my time.  Is this something useful?  I think so.  But Sabby tells me I need to keep busy.  She is going to take me and Liz to get our hair and nails done later today (my state is pretty much entirely reopened, thankfully).  She thinks girl time is important.  I really love her, did I say that before?  I do!  I love her, and Dave, and everyone else!  And I love getting my hair done!  So I will write again soon.  Love all of you!   ❤️

This diary entry is part 2 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me again!  I’m Lily!

I just got back from a run with Liz.  Running is not my favorite thing in the world, but my foster parents think it will be good for me, and I do feel better after.  And it’s fun to run with Liz.

Liz is Chinese.  That’s not her given name.  I’ve tried to pronounce it a couple of times and gave up, and she likes to be called Liz anyway.  She has long, black hair, is shorter than me, and has a very pretty face.  I think she is prettier than me.  My hair is not as long as hers, and my face is too round.  But she thinks I am prettier than she is, so maybe we both are hard on ourselves?  I could have long hair, but I keep it short because long hair is harder to keep pretty.  Boys seem to look at both of us, so maybe they think we are prettier than we do.  Or, maybe they’re just boys and think almost anything is pretty.  I don’t understand boys.  But they don’t understand us either.

My foster parents are not strict like Liz’s parents are.  Her parents are always sending her to classes and school to make sure she gets good grades.  She loves her parents and they love her, but it seems hard for her sometimes.  I hate to see her cry.

My foster parents only have a few rules for me.  I can’t be out past ten PM without their permission, which is fine with me.  I have to eat what they put on the table and eat dinner with them, which is also fine with me.  I’m grateful to have food, and Sabby is a pretty good cook.  And I have to go to church on Sundays. I don’t mind this either.  All they ask is that I go.  I can read a book or listen to music on my headphones or do whatever I want as long as it’s not disruptive.  I don’t understand most of what they teach anyway.  God is confusing to me.  They tell me He loves me, and I am well taken care of, but I lost my memory.  How can He love me if I’ve lost everything that makes me who I am?  And I have to keep my room clean and do a few chores.  Other than that, as long as I keep busy and find something useful to do, they let me do what I want.  Today I’m going to go to a museum with Liz and we will eat after.  It sounds so much fun!

I have to shower now.  Running makes me smelly.  Love you all!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 3 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi again!  It’s me!

Oh my God, yesterday was so much fun!!!  Liz and I went to a local museum, and afterwards we went to a burger place and had a burger and shake!  Normally I don’t get to eat out much, It’s very important to Sabby that we eat at home, but every now and then I’m allowed a treat.  I love chocolate!  It’s my favorite thing!  It’s like if you were to take sunshine and rainbows and skittle and kittens and mix them all up into a glass of chocolatey goodness!  OH MY GOD it’s so good!  But it’s not healthy to eat too much of that kind of food.  So it’s a treat.

Liz doesn’t really like chocolate, can you believe it??  She was raised on Chinese food (she’s very vocal that Chinese food is not “kung pao chicken”, but heavy on rice and veggies).  But every now and then she does enjoy a nice burger.  Where we live, there are lots of burger places.  She just has a plain vanilla shake.  I love her anyway.

Every Friday night Dave likes to have a movie night, where he watches movies that I haven’t seen before with the family.  Or at least I don’t remember seeing before.  He likes silly comedies, like “Airplane!” or “Blazing Saddles!”.  Everyone was laughing so hard at Blazing Saddles, but I didn’t see what was so funny.  That poor Sheriff!  And why did they end up in modern Hollywood?  The ending made no sense!  But Airplane! was funny.  Dave says that they don’t make movies like those anymore.  I don’t know if he’s right, but I hope they don’t make another like Blazing Saddles!

But just because Dave’s choice in movies is suspect doesn’t mean he’s a bad guy.  He is very family oriented.  It’s important to him and Sabby that we do things as a family, and they see me as a part of their family.  So we’ll watch a movie tonight.  Dave tells me it’s by a guy called “Monty”… ummm… Viper?  Rattlesnake?  I don’t remember.  But maybe it’ll be funny.  I know I didn’t think Blazing Saddles was funny, but I do like funny things!  Honest!  I just didn’t understand the jokes, I guess.  Sabby makes popcorn on movie nights, and some yummy things to drink, so even if the movie’s not all that great, I love just spending time with everyone.

Oh, while we were at the museum, a boy was checking Liz out!  She was so embarrassed!  She doesn’t know what to do with boys, they are almost as confusing to her as they are to me.  He even told her she was pretty, and he was really shy about it.  She said thank you and giggled like a maniac!  The boy looked disappointed for some reason, I don’t know why.  She is pretty though!  I don’t know what I would do if a boy were to do that to me!  I don’t want a boyfriend.  How can I give a boy all of me when I don’t even know what all of me is?

I want my memory back.

But if I got my memory back, what would happen?  I would remember my real parents and my real family, and would they be as nice as Dave and Sabby are?  I don’t know.  I want it back, more than anything else in the world, but it would hurt my family now.  I love them.  They are so kind to me.

Look at me, wiping tears from my face while I write.  I’m such a… girl!

Anyway, I need to shower.  Today I don’t have any real plans.  Maybe I’ll do some chores and go to the library.  Love you all!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 4 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi again!  It’s me, Lily!

I found a pic of me and Liz.  There’s not much of a background because we were in one of those photobooth things.  We took it very soon after things started to reopen.  I think it really captures us nicely!  Liz likes to dress nicely, she is always wearing a nice blouse and beautiful skirts and shoes.  Me, that’s my favorite dress, and I wear it all the time (Not when I go running, though.) Liz is the bubblier of the two of us, I’m much more steady, I think.  Maybe not having many experiences I can remember is helpful.

Last night we watched “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”.  It was funny, but very silly.  Dave thinks the reason I didn’t like “Blazing Saddles” so much was because it had a lot of old things that I didn’t understand – both because I’m young and because I don’t have memories that would help them make sense.  He explained that Mel Brooks was lampooning some things from the ’70s and earlier that were a terrible thing, and I didn’t understand that it was a parody.  So don’t be too hard on me!

After the movie and the younger children went to bed, Dave and Sabby and I talked for a while.  They said it’s okay for me to post what we talked about, so I will.  I asked them why they took me in.

They were quiet for a little while.  Finally Sabby said, “Do you know why we go to church every Sunday?”

I was confused.  “To..  worship God?”

“Well,” she said, “That’s one reason, I suppose.  But the real reason is that it’s not fair.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s not fair,” she said, with a little venom in her voice.  I’d never heard her like this.  “It’s not fair that we all have to live in this world when it sometimes sucks so badly.  It has good things, true, but…”

She was quiet.  I didn’t feel comfortable talking right then.

“We go to church because we want to know.  We want to know why life is sometimes so good and sometimes hurts so much.  We don’t have many places to go for answers, so we go to church.  We ask you to go too, because, maybe you can find an answer there for yourself.”

“But what does that have to do with why you took me in?”

Sabby was quiet again.  “Because it’s not fair to you either.  You didn’t ask to lose your memory.  You didn’t ask to be found on the side of the road.  You didn’t ask for any of this.  What would have happened to you?  Maybe you would have found a good family.  Maybe you wouldn’t have been taken advantage of.”  She smiled.  “But you’ll never know.  That’s why we took you in.  Because it wasn’t fair.”

“I don’t understand.”

She gave me a big hug.  “You don’t have to.  Maybe you will in time.  Go to bed,” she said, gently.  “You’ve got a big day tomorrow.”

“But I’ve got nothing big planned!”, I protested.

“You’re going to wake up, and you’re going to live through the day.  That seems like a big day to me.”

I couldn’t argue with that.  So I went to bed.  And I had a hard time sleeping.  I was thinking about what could have happened to me.  I don’t know why I lost my memory, and it hurts sometimes.  But I guess it all worked out.  I love Dave and Sabby with all my heart.  I hope they never break it.

Well, that’s a downer.  I can’t be a happy girl every day, right?  But she’s right.  It’s a big day.  I have all my chores done, I got in my run, so after I shower, I guess I’ll find something useful to do.  I’ve been thinking about learning how to make videos on YouTube, maybe I’ll give that a try.

Love you all!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 5 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

OH MY GOD I LOVE DAVE AND SABBY!!!!

Sabby was right!  It was a big day!  After I took my shower I came downstairs and Sabby told me to get dressed to go out.  I asked her what was going on, and she smirked.

“You’ll see”, Dave said.

So I got dressed, and Liz had somehow shown up, and we went to a pancake place for breakfast.  I LOVE PANCAKES!  Almost as much as chocolate.  And chocolate pancakes!  With chocolate syrup!  So we went there and Sabby told me that today was Lily day and we would do whatever I wanted!

The children were a little upset because they don’t get days, but Dave and Sabby explained that they get birthdays but no one knows what my birthday is, and I deserve a day, and today was going to be my day.  They seemed to understand, but they got pancakes, so they knew better than to complain too hard anyway.

I’m not gonna lie.  I cried.  I cried like a little girl.  I was so happy!  I’ve never had a day of my own before!  I had chocolate pancakes and chocolate milk and chocolate EVERYTHING and it was so good!  Liz had something lighter but still enjoyed herself.  They even had the staff come over and sing “Happy Lily Day!”  It was embarrassing, but so great!

Afterwards, they asked me what I wanted to do, and I said I wanted to go to the new waterpark in the area.  It’s a huge indoor waterpark.  It was going to be a hot day anyway, and it sounded so nice.  So they took me home to get our swimsuits, and we went there, and we spent the whole day splashing and swimming and having fun!  Even the kids had a good time!  They said that if it meant they got to go to the waterpark, they would be fine with more Lily days.  I think Beth (one of the children, she’s 14) even got sweet on a boy!

After we got home, there were presents!  Everyone bought me a present!  Dave bought me a new computer, and not a cheap one too!  Now I can YouTube!  Sabby bought me a beautiful dress I can’t wait to try on!  Even the kids got me things!  It truly was the best day ever!  Then we had the best dinner ever!  I can’t wait for next year, I love Lily days!

But it’s not about the presents, or the waterpark, or even the chocolate pancakes.  They love me.  They really love me!  I’m crying again!

Love you all!!!  ❤️

July 26, 2021

Posted 3 years ago by Lily
This diary entry is part 6 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me again!  Lily!

You know how after you have a really great day, no matter how good the next day is, it’s never as good?  That’s how today was.  But it was really good in its own way.  Today we went to church.  It was boring, but I brought a book and browsed twitter.  Twitter is a horrible awful place, but why not.  Full of lots of people who think they know what they’re talking about but don’t.  I guess that’s me too, but I know I don’t.

After church, Dave wanted to watch the Olympics, but I tried on the dress Sabby bought me.  It fit perfectly and it’s so gorgeous on me!  Maybe sometime soon I’ll post a pic.  I also got some pics of the waterpark too but I have to transfer them to the computer and upload them.  Maybe I’ll post those soon, too.  Honestly, I usually dress pretty modestly, but a swimsuit is for swimming, and who wants wet clothing!  Plus I think I look pretty good in one.  Liz looks better, though.

After I tried on the dress, Sabby and I went to the park, and we walked, and talked.  It was a little hot, but it wasn’t quite noon yet, and I think Sabby just wanted a little time with me.  She asked me if I liked the Lily day, and I hugged her so tightly!  I told her I loved it!  And I did, truly I did!  She smiled, but she seemed preoccupied.  I asked her what’s wrong.

She was quiet for a while, as we walked together.  The grackles and blue jays were making a ruckus in the trees.  I guess they were getting it out of their system before it got too hot to do anything but hunker down in the shade or try to find water.  Life must be hard as a bird.

“Lily,” she said, “I talked to the social workers this week, and…  you don’t have a birthday.  No one knows who you are or how old you are.  The state won’t let you learn how to drive or have a job without proof of who you are.  They had to pull a lot of strings just to get you into school…”

I felt sad.  “What am I going to do, Sabby?  I can’t live with you forever!”

She stopped and turned to look at me, and grabbed my hands.  “A situation like yours is not just unusual, it’s almost unheard of.  A girl, just appearing out of nowhere, with no documentation, no missing person’s report, no memories, no accent, even.  You could even be a citizen, they just don’t know.  They don’t know what to do.  We’re going to hire a lawyer and see if we can find a way to get around this.”

Her eyes pierced into me.  “But Lily, I don’t want you to worry.  You have a home with us for as long as you need… or want… it.”

I couldn’t help it.  The tears started flowing and I clung to her like my life depended on it.  “I love you, Sabby,” I almost wailed.  “I love you!”

Sabby returned my hug.  “I love you, too,” she whispered.  She’d never said that to me before!  I cried even harder.  What is it with me and crying?  Finally I disentangled myself from her and we started walking again.

“One of the solutions might involve legally adopting you.  Would you…  be okay with that?”

I sniffled.  “I’d… be more than okay with that.”

She smiled.  “Let’s see what the lawyer says.  Did you like the cake?,” she changed the subject.

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone I like anything more ebulliently (how do you like that big word?  I wonder how I learned it) than I told her I loved the cake.  I positively gushed.  And I’m not a gushy girl!  And then I told her I loved the pancakes, and the waterpark, and the dinner, but most of all I just loved spending time with… my family.

“Sabby?”, I asked.

“Yes, Lily?”

“If I ever remember who I am…  I won’t forget you.  You’ll still be my family.”  I sniffled.  “You’ll always be my family.”  My lip quivered.  “Always and forever.”

Now the tears were in Sabby’s eyes.  I’ve never seen her cry before.  I didn’t this time either, but it was a close thing.  She grabbed my hand and squeezed, and not much more was said until our walk was done.

It was a quiet day otherwise.  Dave enjoyed his sports, I set up my new computer, Sabby made a wonderful dinner, Beth was out with friends, and David was quietly (for once) playing video games in his room.  I am such a lucky girl, even though I still wish with everything I had to have my memories back.  If I ever had them at all.

But what a weekend this was!  What a wonderful weekend this was!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 7 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi everyone!  It’s me again!  Lily!

I say that every day, but it’s true every day!  I’m Lily!  And my teachers tell me that having something unique to identity your posts is a good thing.  So that’s what I post.  I tell you I’m Lily, and at the end I tell you I love you all.  Because I do!  I love you because you took the time to read what I have to say, even if it’s the ramblings of a teenage girl who cries too much.

Besides, I got to choose my name, and I like it. It’s really the only identity I have.  Why not shout it to the world?

Yesterday was boring.  But boring isn’t bad.  The weekend was not boring.  A lot happened, and too much happening at once can really cause problems.  That’s what my therapist tells me, anyway.  Sometimes big things happen, and then you have to take a break to let things to back to normal, and then more big things happen.  And so many big things happen to me!  It’s like a movie!

So because it was boring, I thought I’d tell you a bit about how my memory works.

I am a really strange case, or so my doctors tell me.  My amnesia is complete, but selective.  I remember things I learned, but I don’t know how I learned them.  I remember how to do things, but I don’t remember how I learned to do them.  I am a fully functional person, but every bit of my previous identity is gone.  I have no clues.  I even took one of those genetic tests – they were trying to find out if I had any matching relatives – and they still don’t know.  There were a couple of people I was a better match to than others, but they had never heard of me.  It’s like I never existed, just came into this world fully formed.  When they checked me out, they even checked if I was…  a virgin!  How embarrassing!  I won’t tell you whether I was or not, but does it really matter anyway?  I wouldn’t remember.  Even if I weren’t physically, I might as well be.  And I’m still not telling, it’s none of your business!

As I hinted yesterday, or as Sabby hinted, this leads to a lot of problems.  They can’t deport me because there’s nowhere to deport me.  They can’t give me a green card because there’s no proof I can have one.  They have no idea at all what to do with me.  It hurts, sometimes.  I don’t have any childhood memories, I don’t have any nostalgia, I even showed up in the middle of a pandemic, so I don’t even know what life was like before!

But here I am, and I guess it worked out.  I’ve talked to the immigration people, and they don’t know what to do with me either, but someone really high up issued me a visa.  I mean really high up, they tell me it was approved by the kind of people who don’t get overruled without very bad things happening.  So at least I’m here legally, even though I can’t get a job or do anything else right now.  I hope the lawyer can help.  It’s so strange, it seems like every time I hit a roadblock, someone very high up just clears it all away.  I hope that happens here as well.

I don’t have any opinion on immigration, or any other political issue.  I’m too new to this world to have an opinion on that!  But I’m glad I get to stay, anyway.  I don’t know where else I would go.

I wonder if someone knows who I am and isn’t telling.  Well, whoever you are, thank you!  And please tell me someday!

By the way, my tech friend who set this up for me tells me there’s a slight issue with the C…  CN.. oh, CDN.  He’ll have to fix it, and the site could go down for a bit.  Don’t worry, it’s in good hands!

I hope it’s a good day!  Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 8 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi everyone!  It’s me, Lily!

First of all, my tech guy did some maintenance last night.  It’s all really complicated and I didn’t understand any of it, but I guess there were some bugs that made it so that bullies can attack me!   That sucks!  I don’t know many bullies, but I don’t want them to attack me!  So he pushed some buttons and tweaked some knobs and spat on something, and it’s all working again.  I hope!  But if you have problems, well, we’ll get it fixed!

He says this will make things faster too, and I hope so!  I mean it was fast already, but I like even faster!  I don’t know how much he’s spending on this but he assures me not much.  I hope not.  He’s so nice to set this up for me.

Can you believe I’ve been posting here for a week?  It’s amazing, isn’t it?  So much has happened!  And so much hasn’t happened, too!  I really loved the Lily Day!  Did I tell you that?  I don’t remember.  Haha!  I loved it!  It was so great!  And I got to share it with you all!

I got my computer all set up, and maybe soon I can try out a stream or video.  I don’t know how all this works.  I see streamers online who like to play games, that kind of thing.  There’s even one dog-girl!  She’s cute but I don’t understand it.  But it seems like a fun thing to try.  I’m good at sudokus, maybe I’ll do a sudoku!  Even if I mess it up, it’ll be funny!  I think I’m smart, but computers are so hard!

Maybe my tech guy will teach me some tricks.

Oh, did I tell you?  At the waterpark, Liz fell in the water!  I know it’s a waterpark and you’re supposed to get wet, but that was funny!  We were posing for a picture, Sabby was just clicking the button, and she slipped.  Her foot went up in the air, her arms whirled around, and she just went in!  It was so funny!  She was embarrassed, but then she grabbed my leg and I went in too!  We had so much fun that day!  Sabby was clutching her tummy, she was laughing so hard!

Anyway, it was a boring day yesterday, too.  I went to see the social workers.  They didn’t have anything new to tell me, but they were very happy that Sabby wants to adopt me!  They recommended a good lawyer, and we’re going to call him soon.  I hope they can do that, I would be so happy to be an officially official part of the family!  Sabby assures me that I already am, though.  I feel it!  I feel like part of the family!  We don’t fight much, though.  They don’t ask unreasonable things of me, and I’m just grateful for them.  I feel bad when I’m in a bad or grumpy mood though.  It happens!

I use so many exclamation points!  People call me bubbly.  I don’t think I am.  I’m just a happy, lucky girl!  Even though I don’t have my memory.  Maybe because I don’t have my memory!  I think some people are weighed down by their memories, their memories hurt them, their memories trap them.  But I don’t have that problem!  I can be happy and not worry!  But I do wish I knew what my name was.  That’s all I really want from my memories.  My name, and a birthday.

I just got back from a run with Liz.  It’s so hot out right now.  I guess that’s summer here.  It’s been very wet, though, and this summer probably won’t last too long.  Before we know it, we’ll get another freak ice storm and the power will go out!  Dave and Sabby assure me that that’s historically unusual here.  But I don’t know.  It was my first winter.

I sure picked an awful time to show up, didn’t I?

Oh well.  Today’s another boring day.  Maybe I’ll practice streaming.

Love you all!!! ❤️. Oh, and here’s a chocolate one too!  🤎 I love chocolate!  Chomp chomp!

This diary entry is part 9 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi! It’s me again!  Lily!

I might not be as bubbly as I usually am.  I’m a little sad today.  Maybe it’s a let down after such a crazy weekend.  I’m not sad often but it does happen sometimes.  Lil’ miss exclamation point will have to save the exclamation points for another day.

I am so grateful to Dave and Sabby for taking me in, truly I am!  And I’m grateful that they want to take me into their family.  But I don’t know who I am.  I know I am Lily, but I chose that name.  I know Lily Day is July 25th.  I know… that’s all I know about me.  I don’t know who my “real” parents are.  I don’t know what my name is.  I don’t know what my birthday is.  I just… am.  Ever since they found me, that’s all I have to say.  I exist.

Existing is good!  But who am I?

In school they are teaching a little philosophy.  I think, therefore I am, an old guy named Descartes said a very long time ago.  I think, but I don’t remember.  I am, but am I?  I think, therefore I am, but I don’t remember, so who am I?

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping because I’m racking my brains for even the smallest scrap of memory, but I don’t have it.  It’s like it never existed.  It’s like I never existed.  Sometimes I cry out of frustration.  But I don’t let Dave or Sabby see.  I don’t want them to feel bad.

Who am I?

Well, maybe I’ll never know.  Maybe I just have to choose who I am, because nothing has been given to me except my body and some skills I don’t know how I got.

Sorry folks.  Maybe tomorrow I will be back to my bubbly and cheerful self.  But today I think I want to go back to bed.  Maybe Sabby won’t pick on me about being useful.  But she probably will.

I saw another stream with that dog-girl.  She’s hilarious!  She was playing a game called “Hidden Folks” and was going nuts with a bird noise!  Huuwwwwaaaaaaaa!!!! But she speaks a different language.  Japanese, I think.  Maybe I want to learn it.  Do you want to learn with me?  I did a little research and it’s a really hard language, but I have nothing but time right now!  There are some kids at school who are learning it, but I’m not sure I like them.  They act all weird about it, saying things like “kawai” and adding “des” onto the end of everything, and they wear cat ears and talk about cartoons.  I don’t understand them.  The other kids call them “weebs”.  But I don’t have to be a weeb to learn a language.  Right?

But dog-girl is funny.  I think I like dog-girl.

Anyway, I think I’ll either go back to bed or eat something disgustingly unhealthy.  Either way, catch you tomorrow.  Love you all!!! ❤️. Even if I’m sad today.

This diary entry is part 10 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me, Lily!

Sabby saw my post yesterday.  I forgot about that.  I guess that’s one of the problems with having a public diary.  but it’s okay.  I guess if I truly didn’t want them to know, I wouldn’t have said (or typed) it out loud.

After I wrote that post, I took a shower, got back in my pajamas, and went back to bed.  I never go back to bed, but there’s nothing else I really wanted to do.  A half hour later, Sabby knocked on my door and came in.

I had the blankets pulled up to my chin, and she didn’t say anything.  She sat down on the side of my bed and scooped me up into her arms.  I couldn’t help it.  I cried it out.  I think I spent like fifteen minutes just blubbering like a baby.  It would have been embarrassing if it didn’t feel so good.  Crying feels good, you know.  It’s like you take all of your awful feelings and hurts and pains and just let them out, and everything’s so much clearer afterwards.

I don’t know what I would do without Sabby.  I think she’s my second best friend.  Or maybe my co-best friend.  Liz would have been uncomfortable.  Sabby wasn’t.  Don’t worry, Liz!  I love you too!  But you can’t fill the same role Sabby does, and I would never ask you.  I never asked her to, either.  But she does.

She doesn’t understand.  She knows she doesn’t.  She can only guess what it’s like to be me, and probably not well, either.  She doesn’t know what it’s like to have your entire life be nothing but a blank.  But she was there.  She held me, and let me cry.  That really counts for a lot, y’know?  I love her, and she loves me.

I guess all I can do is try to make the best life I can out of what I have, and hope someday that I find answers.

Anyway, Sabby gave me a kiss on the forehead, and told me I could stay in bed for a little longer, but she wanted to take me somewhere.  I asked her where, and she said she didn’t care.  She said that if I don’t have memories, we were going to make some together.

I know I said I loved Lily Day.  I loved the presents, I loved the pancakes, I loved the waterpark.  But you’ll never know how precious that gift is, the one of memories.  Far more precious than anything anyone’s ever given me – that I can remember, anyway.  Those of you who have good memories, I envy you so much.  And those who have bad memories, I kind of envy you too.  Not the memories, but the fact that you have them.  They did shape you, right?  They may be bad, but they’re yours.  I’d even take bad memories over none at all.  I know, I might feel differently otherwise, but it’s how I feel, and I get to feel how I feel!

Sabby took me to a Korean food place, just the two of us.  We ate Korean BBQ and had boba tea, and we talked about a lot of different things.  I actually don’t remember what we talked about.  But I’ll never forget that we went.  I’ll never, ever forget that we went.

I did tell Sabby that I was thinking about learning Japanese, and she’s all for it.  She thinks Spanish might be more useful, but I said they already teach that in school.  I told Liz later, and she asked why not Chinese?  I didn’t really have an answer.  Maybe Japanese is more interesting.  But I told her if she wants to try to teach me some Chinese, she’s welcome to.  I’m a little nervous about how enthusiastic she was about that idea.  They’re both hard languages.

Later that night, at dinner, I looked around the table at everyone.  I looked at Dave, such a silly, gentle, kind, middle-aged, balding man.  I saw Sabby, a pretty, older woman showing her age but carrying it well.  I saw Beth, a young girl who is just learning what it means to be a woman, and I saw David, a little hellian who I’m sure will grow up to be a decent man.  I even saw the cat sitting on the floor washing its butt.  And I ate some of the delicious food Sabby prepared, and I couldn’t help but smile.  I had a tear in my eye, but I smiled too.

I saw my family.

Yes, these are my new memories.  This is my home now.

And you all are my family too!

See you tomorrow!  Love you all!!!!  ❤️