Category: Diary

August 4, 2021

Posted 3 years ago by Lily
This diary entry is part 4 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 02 - August 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I forgot to mention, we got thunderstorms!  Where I live, thunderstorms in the summer don’t happen a lot, and it’s usually really hot.  But this year we’ve had a lot of rain, and it’s been cool!  Or at least cooler than last year!  When I run I’m not a huge sticky pile of sweat!  Except when it’s really humid.  The other day I was running and I saw lightning and heard thunder!  I ran right home!  Storms are scary!  Not too scary, but scary!  Especially when you’re outside!

I don’t have many memories of thunderstorms, obviously.  One came through earlier this year and the sky was this scary bright blue color!  And a hailstorm came through in my area too!  Cars got damaged!  It’s scary!

But Dave told me something that helps.  If you can hear the thunder, the lightning’s already hit.  Thunder can’t hurt you!

So many things have been happening, I can’t keep track!  The Karen I talked about yesterday was charged with a few things.  Assault on a minor (me), resisting arrest, assault on a police officer.  I don’t understand Karens!  They seem to get an idea in their head and will defend it to the death, even if it’s wrong!  We don’t know when the court date will be, but Sabby doesn’t think we’ll be asked to testify.  They have video, and the other charges don’t need us to be there.  But if we’re needed, we’ll do our part to put her away!  My arm still hurts a little!  I guess she was released because Sabby got a call from her lawyer.  Sabby gave her our lawyer’s number and told her to go away.  I love Sabby, but she’s scary sometimes.

I spent some time with Liz yesterday, and it was nice to spend time with her.  I told Liz about Beth, and Liz wasn’t sure what to think.  She hasn’t forgiven Beth yet on my behalf, and Beth did say some absolutely rotten things about and to me.  But I asked Liz if we could take Beth with us.  She said sure, but she wants time with me as well, Beth is not her best friend.  I agreed, and made sure Beth understood.  We went over to Liz’s house (she lives on my street) and we played games.  Beth and Liz seemed a little awkward with each other, but I guess that’s to be expected.  Beth apologized to Liz, Liz wasn’t quite ready to forgive but she said she’d keep an open mind.  Beth seemed sad at that, but I told her that’s the best she could expect, and she seemed to understand.  Turns out Beth is actually crazy smart.  Immature, I guess, but smart.  We played some board games, and she held her own!  Even Liz was impressed.  A little upset, but impressed.

I asked Beth what she does with her friends all the time.  She says they just go to the convenience store or the library and talk about boys.  She confided in us that it’s not one of her favorite things to do, but it’s what her friends like to do.  She thinks boys are cute, but doesn’t really see what the big deal is.  Turns out she doesn’t know anyone as smart as she is, and she’s settling.

Liz didn’t look happy to hear this.  I know Liz is smart too.  This may be the best or the worst thing ever.

Anyway, I guess after the past few days, boring is good.

After we got home, Beth and I brushed each others’ hair.  I am growing to really enjoy this nighttime ritual with Beth.  She is quite a bit smaller than I am – I’m tall and wiry, she’s shorter and a still has a bit of her baby fat, but she’s surprisingly cuddly. She also lets me practice braiding her hair.  I’m getting better at it!  Almost good enough that the braids survive walking out the door.  Not quite, though.  I really don’t know what it is about us girls having our hair brushed, but it is soooooo relaxing, sometimes my eyes droop closed and I just melt into a little puddle of bliss.  When that happens, my head just starts flopping and she can move it any way she wants, and I don’t even care.  Sometimes Beth will even be saying something and I just zone out and her voice turns into this soft background noise as my mind starts drifting with all sorts of flittering thoughts that make no sense.  It’s so delightful.  She tells me a similar thing happens to her.  I love sharing that.  I sleep better after one of those hair brushing sessions.

I asked Beth to lend me her favorite book.  After some thought, she pulled “A Brief History of Time” from her bookshelf.  What’s a little light reading between sisters?

Anyway, a boring, girly update for today.  Maybe next time I’ll do a boyly update.  Cars!  Fights!  Girls!  Nah.  I’ll leave that to the boys.  I’m a girl, so my updates are girly.  Neener neener.  And I don’t understand boys’ fascinations with our bodies anyway.  They’re just bodies!  We’ve got some floppy bits and some girly bits and some skinny bits and some thick bits.  What’s so great about that?  At least it didn’t storm this morning, and I got a good run in.

Love you all!!!  ❤️

August 3, 2021

Posted 3 years ago by Lily
This diary entry is part 3 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 02 - August 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

I think some days are boring, and yesterday was one of those days.  Well, it started out that way, anyway.  I went grocery shopping with Sabby.  No one else likes to go with her, but I think it’s fun.  All the different foods and people!  We go to a supermarket chain that’s really popular in my state, so there are a lot of people going this way and that throwing stuff in their carts and playing bumper cars!  Some people wear masks, some don’t, no one really cares, and I guess that’s a good thing.

I’ve told you that I love chocolate but I don’t think I’ve ever told you what my favorite food is.  That’s because I really don’t know myself!  I mean, I know what I like.  I like hamburgers and hot dogs and brisket and sausage and lasagna and… and… I like food!  I have friends who are vegetarians and vegans and good for them, but I like meat too much.  Some friends ask me how I can eat things that have feelings, and I say “I want my food to have a good life, and a good death, and to live on in my tummy”.  They don’t really like that.  Don’t care.  Bring me meat, my pretties!!  Muahahaah!

I said before that I don’t really get into political stuff, and I don’t.  I don’t even really keep up with it.  I know some things are bad, and some things are okay, and some are good, but I have my own problems.  So when someone tries to tell me what’s important I ask them if they have my memory.  Of course, they always look at me funny and say “what?”  After making sure they don’t have my memories (of course they don’t) I tell them to help me find my memory and we’ll talk.

They hate that.  They really do.  But that’s what’s important to me.

So we went to the store and I ran into a Karen!  An actual Karen!  I’ve heard about them but never actually ran into one up close.  She was just like everyone said!  The “I want to speak with your manager” haircut, the sunglasses, the flip flops, the clothes two sizes too small, everything!  So Sabby and I were just minding our own business, walking through the bread aisle, when I heard “excuse me!”

Of course, I thought I was in the way, so I moved to the side.  “Excuse me!”, I said, and I got roughly tapped on the shoulder.  I turned around, and there she was, pointing at an empty spot on the shelves.  “Do you have any of these in the back?”

I was confused.  “Why would I have those in the back?”

“You lazy girl!  Go find me what I asked for!”

I just looked at Sabby.  Sabby was not looking happy.  “Is there something I can help you with?,” she asked, in that tone of voice that I’ve come to know means that your next answer had better be a good one.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” – and then she said a word that I’ve only ever heard on Blazing Saddles and was told never to use.  And I was about to find out why.

“Come here, Lily,” she said, and I went to go over to her, but “Karen” grabbed my arm, hard.  “You were helping me. Now go do what I said!”.  It hurt.

Sabby had, apparently had enough.  Sabby just walked over, and calmly kicked her right between her spray-tanned legs.  She crumbled to the ground and screamed “Assault!”,  but let go of me in the process.  I looked at Sabby, confused and a little scared.  She had her phone out.  A few seconds later, I realized she was calling the police.  A manager came running, but Sabby held up a hand.  I piped up, “I think she’s calling the police.”  the manager nodded.  Not much more he could do except wait for them to arrive and keep everyone separated.

The manager asked me what happened, and I told him, while Sabby finished up on the phone.  He asked us all to come to the office.  Sabby said “No.  I will not be alone with her, and if you know what’s good, you’ll keep her away from me.”  Karen was still squealing like a stuck pig, it was kind of amazing, actually, to think such a sound could come out of a human.

A few minutes later, the police arrived.  Karen had recovered a bit, and of course, had a sob story to tell.  Big mean teenage girl assaulted her, then the (insert slur I hinted to above) had the nerve to kick her, and we should both be arrested!  Of course, there was a CCTV, and once the police saw the video, they arrested her and dragged her out of the store through the bread aisle, screaming all the way.  They asked Sabby if she wanted to press charges, and she said “hell yeah!”.  I didn’t really know what that means, even with all the stories, but Sabby explained it.  Hell yeah!  Karen deserves it!

What an adventure!  I should put that on Reddit.  But honestly I don’t like Reddit.  It’s annoying.

The manager offered us a gift card, but Sabby said no.  She “got her own back”, as they say, and she was happy enough with how it turned out.  The manager did ask her politely not to kick any more people between the legs, and Sabby agreed to never do it without a good reason.  Apparently, assaulting me qualified as a good reason.  The manager knew that was the best he was going to get, and left us to finish our shopping.  Then we got home, put our shopping away, and went over the police station to file an official complaint.

I learned two things.  The first thing I learned is that you can kick a woman between the legs and it hurts.  I don’t know if as bad as with a man, but I’m certainly remembering that.

And the second thing I learned is that Sabby will hurt people to protect me.

I don’t like violence, but it still makes me feel all fuzzy inside.  She really means it when she says she loves me!  After all, don’t you protect the ones you love?

So when we got home, we told Dave all about it.  Dave just sat there, listening to everything Sabby said.  Then, after she had told our story, he said simply, “I’m glad it was you, and not me.  I might not have been so nice.”

I looked at him in shock.  He’s such a kind, gentle, silly man!  He’d never hurt a fly!  But what he said next made me feel twice as fuzzy.

“You’re our daughter now, Lily.  No one’s going to hurt you while we’re around.  No one.”

I couldn’t help it.  I ran over to him and threw my arms around him.  This time I didn’t cry, but I really couldn’t help it! He hugged me back.   Sabby just sat there smirking.  “Don’t I get a hug?  I might think you’re trying to take him away from me.”

I blushed, but she was smiling when she said it.  “Oh, you read that.”

She nodded.

“I really was joking,” I said.  I let Dave go.  The blush had left the confines of my face and was currently saying hello to my chest.

“Your silly Billy?”

I have never eeped before.  But I swear I eeped.  I actually, honest to God, eeped.  Sabby had decided I’d had enough torment and scooped me up in her arms.  “It’s alright,” she said.  “I know you were joking.”

We let each other go.

“But if you’re ever serious, remember today.”  I don’t think she was entirely joking.  But I nodded anyway.  Message received.  I am a cute sixteen year old girl.  I get it.

“Sabby -“

She smirked.  “You’re a silly Billy, Lily.”

Dave just looked at her, then me, then back at her.

“What are you talking about?”

Sabby laughed.  “I’ll spare Lily any more embarrassment.  What do you want for dinner tonight?  Spaghetti?  Or spaghetti?”

Dave sighed.  He knew when the battle was lost.

“How about spaghetti?”

She patted his knee.  “That’s a wonderful idea!  I’ll go get it started.  I’ll even make that meat sauce you love so much.”

David came down the stairs.  “And parmesan?”

“Lots of parmesan,” she said.

Dinner was, of course, delicious.  She even made garlic bread.  I love garlic bread!

After dinner, I took Sabby aside.

“I really was joking, Sabby.”

“I know, Lily.”

“Please…  Sabby…” I sniffled.  “You’ve been so nice and kind and wonderful to me and I don’t want anything to get in the way of us…”

She hugged me fiercely.  “Lily, it’s going to take a lot more than a little joking and teasing to make me think any less of you.  I love you, Lily, like my own daughter.  Please don’t worry.”

I couldn’t help it.  I started to cry again.

“I really was just teasing and I didn’t mean it and of course I wouldn’t and…  Oh Sabby I would never…”

She patted my back.  “I know.  I know you wouldn’t.”

“I don’t want to lose you Sabby!!!” I wailed.

“Is that something you’re worried about?”

I hesitated, and then nodded.

“Lily, you’re a part of this family, always and forever.  Family doesn’t abandon each other.  I will not abandon you, Lily.”

I sniffled.  “Promise?”

“Promise.”

I let go.

“Why are you so kind to me, Sabby?,” I sniffled.

She seemed lost in thought.  “Because you’re family.”

“But…”

“No,” she said.  “You’re family.  You’ll always be family.  Always and forever.”

“Why?”

“Because we want you to be a part of our family and you need a family.  Do I really need a better reason than that?”

I shook my head.

“Good,” she said.  “I teased you a bit too much.  I didn’t know you felt insecure.  I’m sorry for that.”

I nodded.  “It’s okay.”

She smiled and kissed my forehead.  “I love you, Lily.”

I smiled and lowered my head, accepting the kiss.  Then I pretty much glomped her.  “I love you too, Sabby,” I said, with more feeling than I thought I could ever put in my voice.  I let her go.

“Let’s go get some dessert,” she said.

“We already had some -“

She shushed me.  “We’re women, there’s chocolate in the kitchen, are you seriously going to argue with me about this?”

“No ma’am,” I said, giggling.  And we both had a second helping of dessert.  It was wonderful.

I slept pretty well last night.

Love you all!!! ❤️

 

This diary entry is part 2 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 02 - August 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So yesterday we went to church.  People are all concerned about that variant of the virus that’s going around.  It just doesn’t seem to be going away!  But we’re all vaccinated, and we’ve done everything we can do.  Sabby thinks we need to just live our lives normally.  I don’t know how I feel, but I trust her.  Beth and David aren’t old enough to be vaccinated yet, but so far so good.

In my state the governor has said no more mask mandates.  I don’t mind wearing a mask, but it’s uncomfortable in the hot weather, so I wear one if I need to.  But I’m glad he left it up to us.  I see what’s happening in other states and I’m glad I was found in the one I do.  Even if it’s hot sometimes.

This is all normal to me!  I was found last year in the middle of the “first wave”, and everyone wore masks and social distanced, and I have no memories before, so I don’t know any different.  Sabby tells me about how things were before, and it sounds so gross!  People should at least wear masks if they’re actually sick and sneezing and coughing!

But I don’t want to talk about that.  People get angry for some reason.

After church Dave and Sabby proclaimed that we were going to have a family afternoon.  Beth and David grumbled a bit – I think Beth wanted to go see her friends, and David just grumbles all the time anyway, but they were firm.  I don’t mind!  I like family afternoons!  I like family! They asked us what we wanted to do, and the kids were sullen about it, so I suggested we go to the local game place.   They thought about it, but said no, because David would just run off, and Beth would tell her friends where we are, and that wouldn’t be family, would it?

I thought it would be fun, but after thinking about it, They were right!  They are wise!  Or they know their kids.

Beth had had enough at that point and stomped upstairs, she wanted to see her friends!  David was antsy, he wanted to play on the computer.  Dave and Sabby were not happy with either of them, and it turned into a bit of a row with yelling and stomping and slamming doors.  David ended up grounded from all electronics, and Beth can’t see her friends for a week.

After it all calmed down, it was just me and Dave and Sabby in the living room.  Beth and David were both in their rooms sulking.  They’d come down eventually.

After an awkward silence, I cracked a joke.  “I guess fighting is doing something as a family?”

Dave didn’t seem too pleased with that, but Sabby smirked.  Dave knew he was outnumbered.

“Why don’t we play a game?,” Sabby said.  So we got out a board game.  We started playing.  Dave isn’t all that great with board games, but Sabby’s pretty good.  About halfway through, David and Beth came down and wanted to join.  We finished out the game, and then they joined us in the next one.

Before we knew it, it was dinnertime.  Beth and David had their sentences commuted to time served, and Sabby made dinner.  Did I tell you she’s an excellent cook?  She is!  I love her cooking.

I love being part of a family.  Even the bad parts.

When it was time for bed, Beth and I brushed each others’ hair.  It is so nice to have your hair brushed.  We talked about things until our eyes started to droop, and then we went to bed.  I think I would miss having a sister.  I love her already.

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 1 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 02 - August 2021

Hi!  It’s me again!  Lily!  She of the many exclamation points!

So of course it can’t be as easy as just saying “we’re sisters now”.  After I wrote the post, I took a shower, and when I got out Beth was waiting for me.  She grabbed my hand and pulled me to her room.  We sat down next to each other on her bed.  I’d never really seen her bedroom before – it looked very much like you would imagine a fourteen year old girl’s bedroom would look.  It had a surprising amount of books, though.  I didn’t know she was that studious.

She looked nervous, though.

“Umm,” she said quietly.  “About last night…”

I just looked at her confused.

“I’ve been mean to you.  I’m sorry.  But you didn’t say you forgave me.  You didn’t say anything at all.  I….” she looked down.  “I won’t blame you if you don’t.  I won’t blame you if… you don’t want to be my sister.”

I was quiet for a while.  Many things were running through my head.  A part of me did resent her a bit for how she treated me.  But a part of me knew that I had come into their family and just blew everything into little tiny pieces.

Finally I thought I had the right words.

“You were mean to me,” I said.  “Very mean.  You said things to me that you can’t take back easily.”

She lowered her eyes.

“I understand,” she said quietly.

“No, you don’t,” I said.  “Because I just came into your life and family and ruined it.”

“You didn’t ruin it!”

“But you thought I did!”, I said, a little forcefully.  “Me, a strange girl, taking all of the attention from your mom.  You had every right to feel how you did.”

“But -”

“Let me finish,” I said.  “You had every right, but you hurt me.  Your words hurt.  Especially at such an awful time for me.”  I went quiet for a while.  “But you were young.”

Neither of us trusted ourselves to speak.

“Do you really want me as your sister?”, I said quietly.  “Not just anyone, but… me?”

She bit her lower lip.  It was strangely cute.  It was something she did when she was thinking.  I could see the woman that was trying to come out in her still childlike face.  Truly a woman-child.

“It’s true I’ve always wanted a sister,” she said.  “But I like you.  You’re a nice person.  And even though I was mean to you, you’ve never treated me badly.  I think you’d make a good sister.  If you’ll have me.  I understand if -“

I launched over and took her in my arms.  She went quiet and wrapped her arms around me as well.  It was a touching moment, and a tear was threatening in my eye.  “I forgive you,” I said.  “Life’s too short to hold a grudge.”

I felt her shaking.  She was crying!  I put my hand on her head and stroked her hair.  “Ssssh,” I said quietly.  “It’s alright.”  I chuckled.  “God knows I’ve done enough crying lately.”

I heard her chuckle in between sobs.  We released each other and I saw her face.  I cupped her cheek with my hand and wiped a tear away with my thumb.  “Sister,” I said, quietly.

“Sister,” she said, just as quietly.  “Thank you.”

“So what do we do now?”, I said.  “I’ve never had a sister.”

“Me neither,” she said, softly.  “Will you braid my hair?”

“I don’t know how,” I said.

“I’ll teach you,” she said.  “It’s easy.”

Well, it wasn’t easy.  But we don’t braid each others’ hair because our hair needs to be braided.  She told me all about her life, and I told her about how I felt the last year – leaving her out of it, of course.  I was really curious about what it was like to actually remember your childhood, and she was happy to tell me.  Finally, her hair inexpertly braided, she hugged me, and went off to meet her friends.  Girls gonna girl, of course.

I went downstairs, and Sabby was sitting at the table.

“Everything OK?,” she asked.

I smiled.  “Everything’s fine,” I said.  “I was just spending time with Beth.”

Sabby looked so happy.  “I’m so glad you two are getting along now.”

“I don’t really know how to be a sister,” I said, softly.

“You’ll pick it up,” Sabby said.

I think she’s right.  I really think she’s right.

The rest of the day was quiet.  I spent some time with Liz, but she had some classes to take, so I just busied myself on my computer for the rest of the day.  Maybe it wasn’t the most productive day.  But that’s alright.  Some days are like that.  Some days are perfect just as they are.

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 11 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi again!  It’s me!  Lily!  Silly Billy Lily!!!

I’m feeling loads better today.  Yesterday was hard, but Sabby helped me get through it.  I love her!  Dave also took me aside and told me to tell him if I ever need anything.  He’s not a hugger like Sabby, but he is a gentle man and I love him too.  If I ever have a boyfriend or a husband, I hope he’s like Dave!  Nerdy, balding, lovable, huggable, gentle, kind, silly…  all those things and more.

Oh, if Dave reads this I’ll be embarrassed!  But I hope he does anyway.  He should know.  He’s a silly Billy, but he’s my silly Billy.  Well, I guess I can share him with Sabby.  Haha!  Don’t kill me Sabby!  I’m kidding!!!  I won’t share!  hahaha!  Kidding again!!!

No, seriously, I was serious about not wanting a boyfriend, and particularly not a married one I consider like a father.  I could never see him that way.  But I love him dearly anyway.

Last night was movie night again!  This time we watched a movie called 50 First Dates.  It was about a woman who had no short term memory.  It hit really home to me, and I cried again.  That poor girl!  But she found a man who loved her anyway and was willing to put up with a lot to be with her.  I hope maybe I find someone like that someday!  But I hope more that I find my memory.  That’s a lot to ask of a boy!  It’s one reason I don’t want a boyfriend.  It’s asking too much, I think.  I’ll be a single woman with lots of cats and nieces and nephews and cousins!

But is that what I really want? No!  No more sad!  Not today!

But you know what the best thing was?  Beth came up and cuddled with me.  Beth!  The girl who hated me when Dave and Sabby first found me!  She crawled up next to me, looked into my eyes, and asked “is it like that for you?”

“Not completely, but pretty close,” I replied.  She was warm and smelled like fruit.

She snuggled into me.  “I’m sorry,” she said.  “I shouldn’t have been so mean.”

I didn’t know what to say, but I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close.  She looked up at me and cupped my face in her hand.  “You can be my sister,” she said, quietly, but in a manner like the proclamation of a queen.  A cute, awkward woman-child queen.

I sniffled and wiped away a tear.  I think Sabby was about to blow a gasket, she was so surprised.  But before she could say anything, Beth was asleep.

Sabby’s mouth snapped closed.  “She’s always wanted a sister, you know.”

“I didn’t,” I whispered, and my hand found its way to Beth’s hair of its own accord.  Her hair was stringy, but also soft.  She shifted and mumbled softly.

Sabby smiled.  “I bet you didn’t know you wanted one either.”

I shook my head.  “I didn’t.  But…  but, I’m glad.”

Sabby smiled.  “So am I.”

David tried to jump on us but Dave “headed him off at the pass”, grabbed him, and took him squealing to his room.  “Bedtime for you, champ.  Let’s let the new sisters have some time to themselves.”, I heard, as they receded up the stairs.

Sabby kissed both of our foreheads, and went up to tuck David in.  I got a pillow and stuffed it under my head, careful not to disturb Beth.  My new sister.  My… new sister.

Oh God I’m gonna cry again.

I didn’t move until I had to.  Until I absolutely had to.  Add another precious memory to the ever growing list.   Of the time I gained a new sister.

Love you all!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 10 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me, Lily!

Sabby saw my post yesterday.  I forgot about that.  I guess that’s one of the problems with having a public diary.  but it’s okay.  I guess if I truly didn’t want them to know, I wouldn’t have said (or typed) it out loud.

After I wrote that post, I took a shower, got back in my pajamas, and went back to bed.  I never go back to bed, but there’s nothing else I really wanted to do.  A half hour later, Sabby knocked on my door and came in.

I had the blankets pulled up to my chin, and she didn’t say anything.  She sat down on the side of my bed and scooped me up into her arms.  I couldn’t help it.  I cried it out.  I think I spent like fifteen minutes just blubbering like a baby.  It would have been embarrassing if it didn’t feel so good.  Crying feels good, you know.  It’s like you take all of your awful feelings and hurts and pains and just let them out, and everything’s so much clearer afterwards.

I don’t know what I would do without Sabby.  I think she’s my second best friend.  Or maybe my co-best friend.  Liz would have been uncomfortable.  Sabby wasn’t.  Don’t worry, Liz!  I love you too!  But you can’t fill the same role Sabby does, and I would never ask you.  I never asked her to, either.  But she does.

She doesn’t understand.  She knows she doesn’t.  She can only guess what it’s like to be me, and probably not well, either.  She doesn’t know what it’s like to have your entire life be nothing but a blank.  But she was there.  She held me, and let me cry.  That really counts for a lot, y’know?  I love her, and she loves me.

I guess all I can do is try to make the best life I can out of what I have, and hope someday that I find answers.

Anyway, Sabby gave me a kiss on the forehead, and told me I could stay in bed for a little longer, but she wanted to take me somewhere.  I asked her where, and she said she didn’t care.  She said that if I don’t have memories, we were going to make some together.

I know I said I loved Lily Day.  I loved the presents, I loved the pancakes, I loved the waterpark.  But you’ll never know how precious that gift is, the one of memories.  Far more precious than anything anyone’s ever given me – that I can remember, anyway.  Those of you who have good memories, I envy you so much.  And those who have bad memories, I kind of envy you too.  Not the memories, but the fact that you have them.  They did shape you, right?  They may be bad, but they’re yours.  I’d even take bad memories over none at all.  I know, I might feel differently otherwise, but it’s how I feel, and I get to feel how I feel!

Sabby took me to a Korean food place, just the two of us.  We ate Korean BBQ and had boba tea, and we talked about a lot of different things.  I actually don’t remember what we talked about.  But I’ll never forget that we went.  I’ll never, ever forget that we went.

I did tell Sabby that I was thinking about learning Japanese, and she’s all for it.  She thinks Spanish might be more useful, but I said they already teach that in school.  I told Liz later, and she asked why not Chinese?  I didn’t really have an answer.  Maybe Japanese is more interesting.  But I told her if she wants to try to teach me some Chinese, she’s welcome to.  I’m a little nervous about how enthusiastic she was about that idea.  They’re both hard languages.

Later that night, at dinner, I looked around the table at everyone.  I looked at Dave, such a silly, gentle, kind, middle-aged, balding man.  I saw Sabby, a pretty, older woman showing her age but carrying it well.  I saw Beth, a young girl who is just learning what it means to be a woman, and I saw David, a little hellian who I’m sure will grow up to be a decent man.  I even saw the cat sitting on the floor washing its butt.  And I ate some of the delicious food Sabby prepared, and I couldn’t help but smile.  I had a tear in my eye, but I smiled too.

I saw my family.

Yes, these are my new memories.  This is my home now.

And you all are my family too!

See you tomorrow!  Love you all!!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 9 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi! It’s me again!  Lily!

I might not be as bubbly as I usually am.  I’m a little sad today.  Maybe it’s a let down after such a crazy weekend.  I’m not sad often but it does happen sometimes.  Lil’ miss exclamation point will have to save the exclamation points for another day.

I am so grateful to Dave and Sabby for taking me in, truly I am!  And I’m grateful that they want to take me into their family.  But I don’t know who I am.  I know I am Lily, but I chose that name.  I know Lily Day is July 25th.  I know… that’s all I know about me.  I don’t know who my “real” parents are.  I don’t know what my name is.  I don’t know what my birthday is.  I just… am.  Ever since they found me, that’s all I have to say.  I exist.

Existing is good!  But who am I?

In school they are teaching a little philosophy.  I think, therefore I am, an old guy named Descartes said a very long time ago.  I think, but I don’t remember.  I am, but am I?  I think, therefore I am, but I don’t remember, so who am I?

Some nights I have a hard time sleeping because I’m racking my brains for even the smallest scrap of memory, but I don’t have it.  It’s like it never existed.  It’s like I never existed.  Sometimes I cry out of frustration.  But I don’t let Dave or Sabby see.  I don’t want them to feel bad.

Who am I?

Well, maybe I’ll never know.  Maybe I just have to choose who I am, because nothing has been given to me except my body and some skills I don’t know how I got.

Sorry folks.  Maybe tomorrow I will be back to my bubbly and cheerful self.  But today I think I want to go back to bed.  Maybe Sabby won’t pick on me about being useful.  But she probably will.

I saw another stream with that dog-girl.  She’s hilarious!  She was playing a game called “Hidden Folks” and was going nuts with a bird noise!  Huuwwwwaaaaaaaa!!!! But she speaks a different language.  Japanese, I think.  Maybe I want to learn it.  Do you want to learn with me?  I did a little research and it’s a really hard language, but I have nothing but time right now!  There are some kids at school who are learning it, but I’m not sure I like them.  They act all weird about it, saying things like “kawai” and adding “des” onto the end of everything, and they wear cat ears and talk about cartoons.  I don’t understand them.  The other kids call them “weebs”.  But I don’t have to be a weeb to learn a language.  Right?

But dog-girl is funny.  I think I like dog-girl.

Anyway, I think I’ll either go back to bed or eat something disgustingly unhealthy.  Either way, catch you tomorrow.  Love you all!!! ❤️. Even if I’m sad today.

This diary entry is part 8 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi everyone!  It’s me, Lily!

First of all, my tech guy did some maintenance last night.  It’s all really complicated and I didn’t understand any of it, but I guess there were some bugs that made it so that bullies can attack me!   That sucks!  I don’t know many bullies, but I don’t want them to attack me!  So he pushed some buttons and tweaked some knobs and spat on something, and it’s all working again.  I hope!  But if you have problems, well, we’ll get it fixed!

He says this will make things faster too, and I hope so!  I mean it was fast already, but I like even faster!  I don’t know how much he’s spending on this but he assures me not much.  I hope not.  He’s so nice to set this up for me.

Can you believe I’ve been posting here for a week?  It’s amazing, isn’t it?  So much has happened!  And so much hasn’t happened, too!  I really loved the Lily Day!  Did I tell you that?  I don’t remember.  Haha!  I loved it!  It was so great!  And I got to share it with you all!

I got my computer all set up, and maybe soon I can try out a stream or video.  I don’t know how all this works.  I see streamers online who like to play games, that kind of thing.  There’s even one dog-girl!  She’s cute but I don’t understand it.  But it seems like a fun thing to try.  I’m good at sudokus, maybe I’ll do a sudoku!  Even if I mess it up, it’ll be funny!  I think I’m smart, but computers are so hard!

Maybe my tech guy will teach me some tricks.

Oh, did I tell you?  At the waterpark, Liz fell in the water!  I know it’s a waterpark and you’re supposed to get wet, but that was funny!  We were posing for a picture, Sabby was just clicking the button, and she slipped.  Her foot went up in the air, her arms whirled around, and she just went in!  It was so funny!  She was embarrassed, but then she grabbed my leg and I went in too!  We had so much fun that day!  Sabby was clutching her tummy, she was laughing so hard!

Anyway, it was a boring day yesterday, too.  I went to see the social workers.  They didn’t have anything new to tell me, but they were very happy that Sabby wants to adopt me!  They recommended a good lawyer, and we’re going to call him soon.  I hope they can do that, I would be so happy to be an officially official part of the family!  Sabby assures me that I already am, though.  I feel it!  I feel like part of the family!  We don’t fight much, though.  They don’t ask unreasonable things of me, and I’m just grateful for them.  I feel bad when I’m in a bad or grumpy mood though.  It happens!

I use so many exclamation points!  People call me bubbly.  I don’t think I am.  I’m just a happy, lucky girl!  Even though I don’t have my memory.  Maybe because I don’t have my memory!  I think some people are weighed down by their memories, their memories hurt them, their memories trap them.  But I don’t have that problem!  I can be happy and not worry!  But I do wish I knew what my name was.  That’s all I really want from my memories.  My name, and a birthday.

I just got back from a run with Liz.  It’s so hot out right now.  I guess that’s summer here.  It’s been very wet, though, and this summer probably won’t last too long.  Before we know it, we’ll get another freak ice storm and the power will go out!  Dave and Sabby assure me that that’s historically unusual here.  But I don’t know.  It was my first winter.

I sure picked an awful time to show up, didn’t I?

Oh well.  Today’s another boring day.  Maybe I’ll practice streaming.

Love you all!!! ❤️. Oh, and here’s a chocolate one too!  🤎 I love chocolate!  Chomp chomp!

This diary entry is part 7 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi everyone!  It’s me again!  Lily!

I say that every day, but it’s true every day!  I’m Lily!  And my teachers tell me that having something unique to identity your posts is a good thing.  So that’s what I post.  I tell you I’m Lily, and at the end I tell you I love you all.  Because I do!  I love you because you took the time to read what I have to say, even if it’s the ramblings of a teenage girl who cries too much.

Besides, I got to choose my name, and I like it. It’s really the only identity I have.  Why not shout it to the world?

Yesterday was boring.  But boring isn’t bad.  The weekend was not boring.  A lot happened, and too much happening at once can really cause problems.  That’s what my therapist tells me, anyway.  Sometimes big things happen, and then you have to take a break to let things to back to normal, and then more big things happen.  And so many big things happen to me!  It’s like a movie!

So because it was boring, I thought I’d tell you a bit about how my memory works.

I am a really strange case, or so my doctors tell me.  My amnesia is complete, but selective.  I remember things I learned, but I don’t know how I learned them.  I remember how to do things, but I don’t remember how I learned to do them.  I am a fully functional person, but every bit of my previous identity is gone.  I have no clues.  I even took one of those genetic tests – they were trying to find out if I had any matching relatives – and they still don’t know.  There were a couple of people I was a better match to than others, but they had never heard of me.  It’s like I never existed, just came into this world fully formed.  When they checked me out, they even checked if I was…  a virgin!  How embarrassing!  I won’t tell you whether I was or not, but does it really matter anyway?  I wouldn’t remember.  Even if I weren’t physically, I might as well be.  And I’m still not telling, it’s none of your business!

As I hinted yesterday, or as Sabby hinted, this leads to a lot of problems.  They can’t deport me because there’s nowhere to deport me.  They can’t give me a green card because there’s no proof I can have one.  They have no idea at all what to do with me.  It hurts, sometimes.  I don’t have any childhood memories, I don’t have any nostalgia, I even showed up in the middle of a pandemic, so I don’t even know what life was like before!

But here I am, and I guess it worked out.  I’ve talked to the immigration people, and they don’t know what to do with me either, but someone really high up issued me a visa.  I mean really high up, they tell me it was approved by the kind of people who don’t get overruled without very bad things happening.  So at least I’m here legally, even though I can’t get a job or do anything else right now.  I hope the lawyer can help.  It’s so strange, it seems like every time I hit a roadblock, someone very high up just clears it all away.  I hope that happens here as well.

I don’t have any opinion on immigration, or any other political issue.  I’m too new to this world to have an opinion on that!  But I’m glad I get to stay, anyway.  I don’t know where else I would go.

I wonder if someone knows who I am and isn’t telling.  Well, whoever you are, thank you!  And please tell me someday!

By the way, my tech friend who set this up for me tells me there’s a slight issue with the C…  CN.. oh, CDN.  He’ll have to fix it, and the site could go down for a bit.  Don’t worry, it’s in good hands!

I hope it’s a good day!  Love you all!!! ❤️

July 26, 2021

Posted 3 years ago by Lily
This diary entry is part 6 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi!  It’s me again!  Lily!

You know how after you have a really great day, no matter how good the next day is, it’s never as good?  That’s how today was.  But it was really good in its own way.  Today we went to church.  It was boring, but I brought a book and browsed twitter.  Twitter is a horrible awful place, but why not.  Full of lots of people who think they know what they’re talking about but don’t.  I guess that’s me too, but I know I don’t.

After church, Dave wanted to watch the Olympics, but I tried on the dress Sabby bought me.  It fit perfectly and it’s so gorgeous on me!  Maybe sometime soon I’ll post a pic.  I also got some pics of the waterpark too but I have to transfer them to the computer and upload them.  Maybe I’ll post those soon, too.  Honestly, I usually dress pretty modestly, but a swimsuit is for swimming, and who wants wet clothing!  Plus I think I look pretty good in one.  Liz looks better, though.

After I tried on the dress, Sabby and I went to the park, and we walked, and talked.  It was a little hot, but it wasn’t quite noon yet, and I think Sabby just wanted a little time with me.  She asked me if I liked the Lily day, and I hugged her so tightly!  I told her I loved it!  And I did, truly I did!  She smiled, but she seemed preoccupied.  I asked her what’s wrong.

She was quiet for a while, as we walked together.  The grackles and blue jays were making a ruckus in the trees.  I guess they were getting it out of their system before it got too hot to do anything but hunker down in the shade or try to find water.  Life must be hard as a bird.

“Lily,” she said, “I talked to the social workers this week, and…  you don’t have a birthday.  No one knows who you are or how old you are.  The state won’t let you learn how to drive or have a job without proof of who you are.  They had to pull a lot of strings just to get you into school…”

I felt sad.  “What am I going to do, Sabby?  I can’t live with you forever!”

She stopped and turned to look at me, and grabbed my hands.  “A situation like yours is not just unusual, it’s almost unheard of.  A girl, just appearing out of nowhere, with no documentation, no missing person’s report, no memories, no accent, even.  You could even be a citizen, they just don’t know.  They don’t know what to do.  We’re going to hire a lawyer and see if we can find a way to get around this.”

Her eyes pierced into me.  “But Lily, I don’t want you to worry.  You have a home with us for as long as you need… or want… it.”

I couldn’t help it.  The tears started flowing and I clung to her like my life depended on it.  “I love you, Sabby,” I almost wailed.  “I love you!”

Sabby returned my hug.  “I love you, too,” she whispered.  She’d never said that to me before!  I cried even harder.  What is it with me and crying?  Finally I disentangled myself from her and we started walking again.

“One of the solutions might involve legally adopting you.  Would you…  be okay with that?”

I sniffled.  “I’d… be more than okay with that.”

She smiled.  “Let’s see what the lawyer says.  Did you like the cake?,” she changed the subject.

I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone I like anything more ebulliently (how do you like that big word?  I wonder how I learned it) than I told her I loved the cake.  I positively gushed.  And I’m not a gushy girl!  And then I told her I loved the pancakes, and the waterpark, and the dinner, but most of all I just loved spending time with… my family.

“Sabby?”, I asked.

“Yes, Lily?”

“If I ever remember who I am…  I won’t forget you.  You’ll still be my family.”  I sniffled.  “You’ll always be my family.”  My lip quivered.  “Always and forever.”

Now the tears were in Sabby’s eyes.  I’ve never seen her cry before.  I didn’t this time either, but it was a close thing.  She grabbed my hand and squeezed, and not much more was said until our walk was done.

It was a quiet day otherwise.  Dave enjoyed his sports, I set up my new computer, Sabby made a wonderful dinner, Beth was out with friends, and David was quietly (for once) playing video games in his room.  I am such a lucky girl, even though I still wish with everything I had to have my memories back.  If I ever had them at all.

But what a weekend this was!  What a wonderful weekend this was!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️