Tag: Sabby

This diary entry is part 15 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  A thoughtful Lily.

So after I wrote last night’s post I went downstairs to get something to eat.   They’d all had dinner (they usually eat without me on weekends but I don’t mind, I’m doot dooting) and I hadn’t had any dinner.  While I was downstairs microwaving some leftover Dave Grilled Meat, I heard Sabby’s door open and close, then Beth’s door open and close.  There wasn’t another sound.

As the microwave beeped, I heard Sabby’s door open again, and then I heard her coming down the stairs.  I went to the fridge to snarf some leftover potato salad, and she came into the kitchen.  I offered her some potato salad, but she just shook her head and sat down at the table.  I collected my food, as well as a soda, and sat down across from her.  I was hungry.

She just seemed content to let me eat for a little bit, then she spoke.

“Would you have done it, Lily?”

“Huh?”, I said eruditely.

“Would you have done it.  Would you have taken that dare?”

“No!,” I protested, and took another bite of chicken.

Her eyes bored into me.  “Say, if Liz hadn’t taken your side, if Beth and Liz would have both pressured you to do it, would you have?”

I swallowed my chicken.  “No, I…  I don’t think I would have.”

She shook her head.  “I think you would have.”

My heart leapt into my throat and I had to stop myself from choking on a piece of chicken.  I set the chicken down.  “You…  what?”

“I think you would have.”

I was silent.  My face was red.

“Oh, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you’re that kind of girl.  I completely believe you when you say that you didn’t want to, and I think you would have protested and told them to pound sand.  For a while.  But eventually you would have been worried that you’d lose Liz as a friend and Beth as a sister, and you would have done it.”

I lowered my head.  Dammit.

“Lily, you’re a good girl.  I worry about Beth and David.  A lot.  I don’t worry about you as much.  You have a good head on your shoulders, you’re smart, you have a good heart.”  She paused.  “And you would do absolutely anything if it meant that you’d be accepted by people you loved.”  She paused.  “Or needed.”

I was quiet.

Her eyes bored into me deeper.  “I know this because I was the same way, Lily.  I know you.  I know how desperate you are to be loved, to make up for what you’ve lost, to have as normal a life as you can.  You would do anything to have that.  Wouldn’t you?”

A tear leaked out of my right eye and ran down my cheek.  Sabby reached over and wiped it off with her thumb.

She spoke more gently now.  “And it would have never occurred to you… the things I told you earlier.  Would it?”

I sniffed and put my head in my hands.  I couldn’t help it.  A sob escaped.  I heard the scrape of her chair against the floor, and then I felt her arms around me, from behind.  Her chin was on my shoulder.  I sighed and relaxed a little.

“I grounded Beth,” she said.  “She’s grounded until we go off to do our thing together.  I didn’t ground her because her dare wasn’t appropriate, though it wasn’t.  I grounded her because, intentionally or not, she took advantage of your loneliness, and I can’t have that.  She needs to understand that being a sister means to build you up, not to tear you down.”  She let me go and sat back down in her chair.  “And you need to understand that there will never be any conditions in this house for our love, and I will be most displeased if anyone tries to pull that stunt that Beth did.  In the future, just say ‘no’.  And if that is not respected, then you will tell me, and I will go all Claire Huxtable on them.  Do you understand?”

I nodded.  I didn’t trust myself to speak.

There was an urgency in her voice now.  “Never, ever, be afraid to say no.  Do you understand, Lily?  Never.  Never.”

She stood up from the chair and went up the stairs.

I looked at my food.  I wasn’t really hungry anymore.  But I forced it down anyway.

Because I fear Sabby was right.  And that is the worst feeling in the world.

I’ve had much to think about today.

This diary entry is part 14 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So today started out boring.  I went to work, doot dooted everyone into gloriously unhealthy food, and just had a decent morning.  I got home later this afternoon, and took Sabby aside.  I told her what Beth had tried to make me do in the game of “truth or dare”.  I didn’t know how to handle it, but I couldn’t let it slide either.

She only had two things to say.

The first was “I need to thank Liz for standing up for you.”  And the second was “Get Beth down here, now.  Please.”

Before I did, I asked Sabby not to be too hard on her.  After all, she was 14 and probably didn’t know what she was doing.  Sabby shook her head.  “Maybe not,” she said.  “But if you’d done it and someone’d had a camera… no.  I need to speak with her.  And I want you here as well.”

I looked hesitant.  “Sabby, she only now stopped being mean to me…”

“Has she?,” she said, barely containing herself.  “Bring her down here, Lily.  Now.  On second thought, stay here.”  She got up and went up the stairs.  She came down dragging a protesting Beth by her arm, and sat her down next to me.

“Lily tells me you made a… very inappropriate dare the other night.  Is this true?”

Beth gave me the stinkeye, but Sabby turned her face towards her.  “Lily asked me to go easy on you.  What you did rightly concerned her  Whether I take her advice or not depends on how well you can explain yourself.  So, explain yourself.”

Beth lowered her head and nodded.  “I did.”

“Why?  Do you know what you did?  You could have gotten Lily into a lot of trouble.”

“I thought it’d be just a little embarrassing…” Beth stuttered.

“Embarrassing?,” Sabby roared.  “Try humiliating!”

“I didn’t mean…”

Sabby deflated.  “No, I don’t think you did.  Lily’s right.  You’re fourteen.  Let me explain to you exactly what could have happened if she had done as you asked.”

And she did.  In great detail.  None of which I will repeat here.  I hadn’t even thought of some of the stuff that she had said.  It was awful!  No wonder Liz was upset!  I thought it was just about trying to embarrass me, but it was soooo much worse than that!  I was even a little upset at Beth when Sabby was done.

But Beth was trembling.  “I didn’t… I didn’t mean… I didn’t know…”

“You didn’t!  And that’s the problem!,” Sabby said.  “Where did you learn that?”

“My… my old friends.”

“You’ll never speak to them again.  We’re finding you new friends.  And if I ever catch wind of you ever doing anything like that again I’m going to take you over my knee and show you what real embarrassment is!  Now go to your room, I’ll come talk to you when I’ve calmed down!”

I was a little shocked.  I’d never seen Sabby even threaten to spank one of her children.  Not even David when he got into trouble with the Internet.  Beth made haste to her room and slammed the door.  I thought I heard a sob before the door slammed.

I looked at Sabby.  “Sabby, are you okay?”  She was shaking.

“No.  I’m not, Lily.  I’m going to go take a bath.”  And she went up to her room.

I sat there for a moment.  I’d never seen Sabby like that.  I went up and knocked on Beth’s door.  “Beth -“, I said.

“GO AWAY!”, she yelled.  “Just go away!  I hate you!  I HATE YOU!”

I sighed.  Back to that again.  I went to my room.  What else was I going to do?

Well, more Smith drama.  I decided to play on my tablet for a bit.

An hour or so later, I heard a timid knock on my door.  I said “Its open,” and it opened slowly.  Beth peeked in.  I sighed and put the tablet down.

“Back to hating me again?,” I said, with a tinge of bitterness in my voice.

“No,” she said, quietly.  “I’m sorry for that.  I…  I didn’t know.”

“I didn’t either,” I said.  “It could have been bad.”

She sat down on the edge of my bed.  “I was just trying to embarrass you a little.  I didn’t mean to… I didn’t know…”

I hugged her.  “I know.  I’m sorry I told Sabby.  But I had to.  I didn’t know how to approach it, either.”

She returned my hug and sat there.  “Mom hates me.”

“No she doesn’t.  She…  ask her about her childhood someday.”

“What do you mean?”

“Not my place.  Just ask her.  I think…  I think you made her remember some things.  I don’t know what.”

She nodded.  She got up and left my room.  I heard her knock on Sabby’s door.  I heard the door open.  Then close.  Then it was quiet.

It’s still quiet.  They’re still talking.  Or Sabby’s hiding the body.

Love you all!  And one week to Orlando!!!  ❤️

This diary entry is part 12 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  It’s Veteran’s Day, so we get school off today!  Yay!  I thought I’d write a bit early today, I just went for my run, and I’m all smelly and sweaty, but you can’t see or smell!  To you I smell like flowers and am sitting here in a formal gown with my hair all nicely done up!  But I’m not!

I bet I’d look so cute in a formal gown.  I should try one on someday.

Anyway, I’m doing a lot better today.  You might have wondered where Beth was in all of that.  Well, she was concerned, and I explained it to her the best I could.  She hugged me and asked if there was anything she could do, and I just said “be Beth”.  Honestly, though, I leaned a lot more on Sabby and Liz.  I didn’t want to put all of that on Beth, she has enough going on.  Sometimes you have to choose, not because you don’t want to share, but because you don’t want to relive it over and over with different people.  She seemed to understand.

I hope someday I find the answers I’m looking for, but I have to accept the possibility that I never will.  And if I don’t, well, life is okay.  I don’t know who I was, but I know who I am, and that’s a Smith.  I’ll never not be a Smith.  Maybe I’ll just add another name to that.  I think it’s most important to me, of all things, to just know if they loved me.  If I know that they did, if they’re alive, or dead, then that’s most important.  I just want to know I was loved.

Anyway, today’s Veteran’s Day.  It seems impactful to Dave for some reason, but I’m not sure why.  He’s never told me whether he was in the military or not, and I never asked.  I still don’t really know, I figure it’s not my business.  But for young folks like me, it’s a day off .  For him, it seems to be something different, not a happy occasion.  I asked last year on Veteran’s day why he seemed so contemplative.  He thought for a little bit, and then said, “I know a lot of people who served, Lily.  They were… never quite the same afterwards.  War is hell.  Respect that they cared enough to go through that, but never forget that war is hell.”

And that’s all he’d say.

Maybe that was enough.

It’s funny how he seemed a little less bothered by Memorial Day.  Maybe it’s because he’s more personally affected by those who lived through it.  I don’t know.  Dave is a good guy, but he’s hard to talk to sometimes.  Maybe he’ll work out some of his feelings with grilling.  It’s a win/win for everyone!

Ten days to Disney World!!!!  Oh I’m soooo excited!  But I’ve already said what I’m so excited about, so I guess I’ll just say I’m excited!  I still don’t know what Beth and Sabby are going to do, but Beth is really excited too!!!

Love you all!!!  And to all the Veterans out there…  I don’t know what it’s like.  I don’t understand any of it.  But thanks for caring enough to go through all of that. I’m sure for most of you your heart was in the right place.  ❤️

This diary entry is part 10 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

Sabby gave me the day off from school today.  She told me that I’m so happy and cheerful most of the time, and she forgets that I have my own… demons, is how she put it, and that sometimes they might come out and we all just have to deal with them.  She explained that her demons are her feelings of inadequacy, Dave’s demons are his temper, Beth’s demons are her jealousy, and my demons are my… loneliness.  She thinks that’s what it is, anyway.  I don’t know if it’s the right word, but it doesn’t matter.

I didn’t sleep well last night.  Usually I sleep like a baby (whatever that means) but last night I was just tossing and turning and had fitful dreams of things that were just on the edge of my consciousness and not breaking through.  That’s the worst feeling, waking up and knowing something was important but not remembering it at all.  I finally padded into the kitchen to find some chocolate, and Sabby was there, sitting at the table in her nightgown, with tears in her eyes.

I found two things of pudding and got two spoons and set one down in front of her.  She peeled the lid off of hers, but just kind of stirred it around.  She didn’t really seem to want to eat it.

I peeled the lid off of mine and took a bite or two, but honestly, I wasn’t too hungry either.  And it was chocolate!

She sighed, fiddling with her spoon. 

“I forget sometimes,” she said quietly.  I was quiet.  “I forget how much it hurts to not have your parents.  I’ve had many years to come to terms with it.  You’ve had a year.  Or more.  Or less.  Who knows.”

“How did you cope with it?,” I asked softly.

She chuckled darkly, still fiddling with her spoon.  “I didn’t.  Not for the longest time.  I was… a wild child.  I did everything a girl wasn’t supposed to do.  Drinking…  other stuff…”  She sighed.  “Anything to take the pain away, even for a little bit.”

“Did it work?”

“No,” she said bitterly.  “It never worked.  It was never anything but a distraction.  I had a hole in my heart that no one could fill.  What’s a girl to do?  People came into my life, and left, and came, and left, and the only constant was the loss…  the pain…”

I was quiet.  There wasn’t much I could add.  But I understood.

“Eventually,” she said, “I was confronted with a choice.  I could keep wishing for what I would never have, or I could move forward with my life and make the best of it.  I think it’s worse for you,” she looked down, “because you don’t know.  They might be out there.  They might not.  But I knew where they were.  My foster parents took me to their graves every year.”

“Were they nice?”

“They were,” she said.  “They were my rock.  When I was being wild, and out of control… they never gave up on me.  I always had a place to stay, I always had arms to go back to…. even when I made mistakes and got in trouble and sometimes didn’t even know what day it was.”

“So what do I do?,” I asked.  I took a bite of the pudding.  It wasn’t as good as it usually is.

She shrugged.  “No idea.  Maybe don’t focus on what you don’t have, but what you do.”  She stirred her pudding some more.  “I didn’t understand my foster parents before.  I didn’t know why they kept putting up with me.  I expected them to kick me out every time I came home drunk.  But… they didn’t.”  Her lower lip trembled.  “I understand now,” she said.  “They loved me .  I didn’t understand.  But they did.”

I stared at my pudding.

“And now I do.”  She reached over and grabbed my hands in hers, and squeezed tightly.  “I… we… can’t replace them.  We’d never try.  We’ll never be them.  But we love you just the same.  Don’t lose sight of that.”

I nodded.  She stood up and went back to her room.  Her pudding sat on the table, untouched.

I picked up both the puddings and put them in the trash.  I went back to my room and stared at the wall until I finally fell asleep.

The next morning I came to breakfast, bleary-eyed.  As I mentioned, she told me that today was a free day for me.  I could do whatever I wanted.  I could sleep all day, I could watch YouTube, I could just stare at a wall.  And she apologized for showing me that song.  It was too much, even though she didn’t realize it at the time.  I just nodded and walked out onto the patio.  It was a beautiful day, the temperature was just right, the air smelled good, and the birds would have been singing if most of them hadn’t already flown south.

I thought for a moment, and stood up, and walked back to my room.  I put the song back on YouTube, and I listened.

Somewhere out there, if love can see us through

We’ll find one another, somewhere out there, out where dreams come true…

Mom, dad…  I’ll find you.  Someday, I’ll find you.  I’ll find me.  But until then… I have Dave and Sabby and Beth and David and Liz.  And they’ll be my family.  Somewhere out there, out where dreams come true.

This diary entry is part 7 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!  The one and only!

14 days to go to Disney World!  I’m soooo excited!  So much!  I can’t believe how much I’m looking forward to it!  Roller coasters!  Lots of sugary stuff!  Chocolate that looks like mouse ears!  Liz!  Who knows what else!  It’s so much fun!  Sabby is still fussing over me a little, she’s made a list and checked it twice and is telling me not to be naughty, but nice!  I’m always nice!  I’m a good girl!  Except when I prank Dave!  Muahahaha!

But she worries anyway.  I guess I don’t blame her.  Momma Bear gonna mom.

You might wonder why I don’t call her “mom” and Dave “dad”.  Well, there’s a simple reason for that.  I love that they’ve taken me into their family, and they treat me as much like a daughter as I have any right to expect.  More, even.  And I love them, more than I’ve ever been able to express.  But they’re not my “real” parents.  I have a mom and a dad out there somewhere, though I don’t know who they are.  Are they alive?  Are they dead? Did they abandon me?  Did they want me?  I don’t know.  I wish I knew.

Maybe someday I will meet my real mom and dad and they will have had a good reason for having left me by the side of the road.  Maybe they were in the hospital, or dead, and whatever hurt or killed them is the same thing that caused me to lose my memory.  Maybe they loved me as much as Dave and Sabby, and we’ll meet and hug and I’ll have two more parents.  And if that someday happens, it kind of cheapens it to have two moms and two dads, don’t you think?

Or maybe they just abandoned me, or didn’t want me, and erased all traces of themselves just so they’d want nothing more to do with me.  I hope not, but it’s possible.  And if that happens, then, well, Sabby and Dave become mom and dad, and to hell with my real parents.  I hope it’s not the case.  I hope with everything I am that they do love me.

Sabby was an orphan too.  She understands.  She knows what it’s like to not know your real parents, and that it leaves a hole in your heart that others can’t live in.  She gets it.  That’s why she never pressures me.  She knows she’s Sabby, and Dave is Dave, and that doesn’t mean I love them any less.  I always, always will, even if I find my real parents and they love me too.  Always.

I don’t like to think about it.  I like to be a happy Lily, going to the park and twirling around with my new haircut.  I like to be bubbly and cheerful and happy and fun to be around, and I like to make new memories with the people who care about me now.  But sometimes I do lie awake in bed and wonder.  Who are they?  Who am I?  Why did they hurt me like this?  What did I do to deserve it?  Why don’t I know and why is no one telling me?  But then I look around my room at all the nice things Dave and Sabby have given me, even though they didn’t have to.  And I’ll cry.  Both at the loss, but at what I’ve found too.  Maybe losing my memory and my parents is the best thing to ever happen to me.

And that hurts just as much.

I had to work today, but the rest of the family went to watch Allison play a baseball game.  I’ve never been to a baseball game.  Is it fun?  They went to the park and Allison really whacked that ball!  It went flying and she ran and ran.  She was soooo happy!  After the game Sabby dragged David over to Allison and made him apologize to her.  She was so happy at whacking the ball that she forgave him.  I don’t think there’ll be any cute kid crushes in the near, far, distant future, or ever, but at least she doesn’t give him the stink eye anymore.  That’s something.

Then they all went to a chain restaurant and had dinner.  I was still working, but that was okay.  I still had leftover grilled meat I could put in the microwave and it’s just as good the second time around!

So we start another week.  More school…. oh!  I forgot!  Remember that $20 bill that Sabby keeps trying to give me back?  Well, somehow she got hold of my bank account info, and guess what I found in my account?  Point to Sabby.  Why is it that they’re so much better at these kinds of things?  Dave got me so good with that cayenne pepper, and Sabby is just a force of nature, I can’t keep up!  I’m not sure I want to try anymore.  Not to say I won’t jump (hah) at the chance to get Dave back if it comes up, but maybe I should just admit defeat.  Maybe next time he’ll put chocolate in a little cage, light a blowtorch, and tell me to back off or the chocolate gets it.  I wouldn’t put it past him.

I love chocolate too much.  No, I don’t.  No such thing.  I’d marry it but I don’t want kids that melt in the bathtub.  Hahaha.  Guess it’s a boy for me.  Someday.  But he’d better not get between me and my chocolate!  He can have hobbies, and prank me, and joke with me, and be a silly billy all he wants.  But he touches that chocolate and it’s the doghouse for him!  Hahah!!!

I’m only somewhat kidding.  Poor guy.

I’ve been thinking about boys.  I still feel like I’m not ready for a boyfriend or anything.  But…  there’s this emptiness inside me I can’t explain.  It’s like there’s a piece of me that’s missing and only someone who loves me that way will ever fill it.  Will someone kiss me someday?  What will it be like?  Will it be fun?  I don’t know.  Maybe someday I’ll find out.  I hope at least the first time it’s all sweet and romantic.

I should go!  Beth needs her hair brushed!  Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 6 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

OMG!  Sabby took me to the hairstylist today, and I look so cute now!!!  Kawaii!!!  I’ll post a picture.  I was sooo happy I was twirling and dancing, though I fell over dizzy and just laid there giggling!  It’s so much fun being a girl!!!  Well, sometimes.

Tonight is the end of Daylight Sabbings!  I mean Daylight Savings!  Hahah!  I get an extra hour of sleep!  And I get paid too!!!  How cool is that?  I’m having the best weekend!  And 15 days to Disney World!!!

Otherwise, it was quiet today.  I worked.  Oh, I’m getting good at riding a bicycle!  I rode it to work!  But I had to take it inside and park it near the back door because people steal bikes! Awwww! But I’m not wibbling and wobbling anymore!  I’m riding!

Anyway, short entry today.  Dave grilled today and I want some of that really good, NON CAYENNE PEPPERED chicken!  Hear that, Dave?  NO CAYENNE PEPPER!!!  haha!  Fool me once…  He is so good at it, though.  He makes the best grilled meat!  I don’t understand vegans!  I mean, meat!  Soooooo good!!!  Don’t get me wrong, I like cows and chickens and all that, and they are cool and cute and nice to have around, but so delicious too!!!

Anyway, enough.  Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 4 of 32 in Lily's diary dated 05 - November 2021

Hi!  It’s me, Lily!  And I HURT!

Let’s just say cayenne pepper doesn’t just hurt going in and leave it at that.  Dave got me so good.  Credit to him.  I haven’t decide if I’m going to escalate, but he sure does give as good as he gets.  Maybe I’ll find a prank that’s a little more jokey and a little less scary.  But hey, it was Halloween.

It’s…  what, 17 days to Disney World?  I lost count but it sounds right.  My tablet should be arriving any day!  Sabby’s going to buy Beth one too!  She’s not getting David one, though.  He’s too young, and he doesn’t need another excuse to be irresponsible with his electronics.  I still don’t know what she’s going to do with Beth, but they’re both really looking forward to it.  I’m glad.  Both Sabby and Beth seem to feel like their relationship isn’t going as well as it used to, and they need this time together.  Plus, I’ll be at Disney World!!!  It’s not exactly like I’m left out!

I think Dave is going to have a fishing trip with David.  They’ll camp out somewhere and get up early and catch the fishes.  If they’re successful, we’ll have fish for dinner for days!  If they’re not, well, at least it’s bonding time for the two of them.  It makes me happy that they’re making the effort.  You know, that’s how you can tell a bad parent from a good parent.  Both good parents and bad parents make mistakes.  Sometimes a lot of mistakes.  Sometimes good parents can hurt their children deeply.  But the difference is that good parents try.  They listen to their children when they are hurt and course correct if they have to.  And both Sabby and Dave are course correcting.  That’s what makes them good parents.

I think if someone truly loves you, almost anything can be forgiven.  And if they don’t, almost nothing can.  Probably a little bit of an exaggeration, but I think it’s right.

I talked to Sabby and I think I’m going to get my hair done this weekend with a new hairstyle.  I can’t wait!  I like my hair as it is because it’s easier to maintain, but it’s kind of boring.  I like being cute!  And if I don’t like it I can always go back.  I’ll post a picture too!!!  Maybe not the same day, but soon!!!

Anyway, I need to go to bed!  Bed is so nice!  It’s soft and warm and when the sheets are freshly washed, smells so nice!  I like bed!  But I like brushing Beth’s hair too!  And when she brushes mine!  I love having a sister, did I say that??  And chocolate!!!

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 2 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 02 - August 2021

Hi!  It’s me!  Lily!

So yesterday we went to church.  People are all concerned about that variant of the virus that’s going around.  It just doesn’t seem to be going away!  But we’re all vaccinated, and we’ve done everything we can do.  Sabby thinks we need to just live our lives normally.  I don’t know how I feel, but I trust her.  Beth and David aren’t old enough to be vaccinated yet, but so far so good.

In my state the governor has said no more mask mandates.  I don’t mind wearing a mask, but it’s uncomfortable in the hot weather, so I wear one if I need to.  But I’m glad he left it up to us.  I see what’s happening in other states and I’m glad I was found in the one I do.  Even if it’s hot sometimes.

This is all normal to me!  I was found last year in the middle of the “first wave”, and everyone wore masks and social distanced, and I have no memories before, so I don’t know any different.  Sabby tells me about how things were before, and it sounds so gross!  People should at least wear masks if they’re actually sick and sneezing and coughing!

But I don’t want to talk about that.  People get angry for some reason.

After church Dave and Sabby proclaimed that we were going to have a family afternoon.  Beth and David grumbled a bit – I think Beth wanted to go see her friends, and David just grumbles all the time anyway, but they were firm.  I don’t mind!  I like family afternoons!  I like family! They asked us what we wanted to do, and the kids were sullen about it, so I suggested we go to the local game place.   They thought about it, but said no, because David would just run off, and Beth would tell her friends where we are, and that wouldn’t be family, would it?

I thought it would be fun, but after thinking about it, They were right!  They are wise!  Or they know their kids.

Beth had had enough at that point and stomped upstairs, she wanted to see her friends!  David was antsy, he wanted to play on the computer.  Dave and Sabby were not happy with either of them, and it turned into a bit of a row with yelling and stomping and slamming doors.  David ended up grounded from all electronics, and Beth can’t see her friends for a week.

After it all calmed down, it was just me and Dave and Sabby in the living room.  Beth and David were both in their rooms sulking.  They’d come down eventually.

After an awkward silence, I cracked a joke.  “I guess fighting is doing something as a family?”

Dave didn’t seem too pleased with that, but Sabby smirked.  Dave knew he was outnumbered.

“Why don’t we play a game?,” Sabby said.  So we got out a board game.  We started playing.  Dave isn’t all that great with board games, but Sabby’s pretty good.  About halfway through, David and Beth came down and wanted to join.  We finished out the game, and then they joined us in the next one.

Before we knew it, it was dinnertime.  Beth and David had their sentences commuted to time served, and Sabby made dinner.  Did I tell you she’s an excellent cook?  She is!  I love her cooking.

I love being part of a family.  Even the bad parts.

When it was time for bed, Beth and I brushed each others’ hair.  It is so nice to have your hair brushed.  We talked about things until our eyes started to droop, and then we went to bed.  I think I would miss having a sister.  I love her already.

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 1 of 30 in Lily's diary dated 02 - August 2021

Hi!  It’s me again!  Lily!  She of the many exclamation points!

So of course it can’t be as easy as just saying “we’re sisters now”.  After I wrote the post, I took a shower, and when I got out Beth was waiting for me.  She grabbed my hand and pulled me to her room.  We sat down next to each other on her bed.  I’d never really seen her bedroom before – it looked very much like you would imagine a fourteen year old girl’s bedroom would look.  It had a surprising amount of books, though.  I didn’t know she was that studious.

She looked nervous, though.

“Umm,” she said quietly.  “About last night…”

I just looked at her confused.

“I’ve been mean to you.  I’m sorry.  But you didn’t say you forgave me.  You didn’t say anything at all.  I….” she looked down.  “I won’t blame you if you don’t.  I won’t blame you if… you don’t want to be my sister.”

I was quiet for a while.  Many things were running through my head.  A part of me did resent her a bit for how she treated me.  But a part of me knew that I had come into their family and just blew everything into little tiny pieces.

Finally I thought I had the right words.

“You were mean to me,” I said.  “Very mean.  You said things to me that you can’t take back easily.”

She lowered her eyes.

“I understand,” she said quietly.

“No, you don’t,” I said.  “Because I just came into your life and family and ruined it.”

“You didn’t ruin it!”

“But you thought I did!”, I said, a little forcefully.  “Me, a strange girl, taking all of the attention from your mom.  You had every right to feel how you did.”

“But -”

“Let me finish,” I said.  “You had every right, but you hurt me.  Your words hurt.  Especially at such an awful time for me.”  I went quiet for a while.  “But you were young.”

Neither of us trusted ourselves to speak.

“Do you really want me as your sister?”, I said quietly.  “Not just anyone, but… me?”

She bit her lower lip.  It was strangely cute.  It was something she did when she was thinking.  I could see the woman that was trying to come out in her still childlike face.  Truly a woman-child.

“It’s true I’ve always wanted a sister,” she said.  “But I like you.  You’re a nice person.  And even though I was mean to you, you’ve never treated me badly.  I think you’d make a good sister.  If you’ll have me.  I understand if -“

I launched over and took her in my arms.  She went quiet and wrapped her arms around me as well.  It was a touching moment, and a tear was threatening in my eye.  “I forgive you,” I said.  “Life’s too short to hold a grudge.”

I felt her shaking.  She was crying!  I put my hand on her head and stroked her hair.  “Ssssh,” I said quietly.  “It’s alright.”  I chuckled.  “God knows I’ve done enough crying lately.”

I heard her chuckle in between sobs.  We released each other and I saw her face.  I cupped her cheek with my hand and wiped a tear away with my thumb.  “Sister,” I said, quietly.

“Sister,” she said, just as quietly.  “Thank you.”

“So what do we do now?”, I said.  “I’ve never had a sister.”

“Me neither,” she said, softly.  “Will you braid my hair?”

“I don’t know how,” I said.

“I’ll teach you,” she said.  “It’s easy.”

Well, it wasn’t easy.  But we don’t braid each others’ hair because our hair needs to be braided.  She told me all about her life, and I told her about how I felt the last year – leaving her out of it, of course.  I was really curious about what it was like to actually remember your childhood, and she was happy to tell me.  Finally, her hair inexpertly braided, she hugged me, and went off to meet her friends.  Girls gonna girl, of course.

I went downstairs, and Sabby was sitting at the table.

“Everything OK?,” she asked.

I smiled.  “Everything’s fine,” I said.  “I was just spending time with Beth.”

Sabby looked so happy.  “I’m so glad you two are getting along now.”

“I don’t really know how to be a sister,” I said, softly.

“You’ll pick it up,” Sabby said.

I think she’s right.  I really think she’s right.

The rest of the day was quiet.  I spent some time with Liz, but she had some classes to take, so I just busied myself on my computer for the rest of the day.  Maybe it wasn’t the most productive day.  But that’s alright.  Some days are like that.  Some days are perfect just as they are.

Love you all!!! ❤️

This diary entry is part 11 of 11 in Lily's diary dated 01 - July 2021

Hi again!  It’s me!  Lily!  Silly Billy Lily!!!

I’m feeling loads better today.  Yesterday was hard, but Sabby helped me get through it.  I love her!  Dave also took me aside and told me to tell him if I ever need anything.  He’s not a hugger like Sabby, but he is a gentle man and I love him too.  If I ever have a boyfriend or a husband, I hope he’s like Dave!  Nerdy, balding, lovable, huggable, gentle, kind, silly…  all those things and more.

Oh, if Dave reads this I’ll be embarrassed!  But I hope he does anyway.  He should know.  He’s a silly Billy, but he’s my silly Billy.  Well, I guess I can share him with Sabby.  Haha!  Don’t kill me Sabby!  I’m kidding!!!  I won’t share!  hahaha!  Kidding again!!!

No, seriously, I was serious about not wanting a boyfriend, and particularly not a married one I consider like a father.  I could never see him that way.  But I love him dearly anyway.

Last night was movie night again!  This time we watched a movie called 50 First Dates.  It was about a woman who had no short term memory.  It hit really home to me, and I cried again.  That poor girl!  But she found a man who loved her anyway and was willing to put up with a lot to be with her.  I hope maybe I find someone like that someday!  But I hope more that I find my memory.  That’s a lot to ask of a boy!  It’s one reason I don’t want a boyfriend.  It’s asking too much, I think.  I’ll be a single woman with lots of cats and nieces and nephews and cousins!

But is that what I really want? No!  No more sad!  Not today!

But you know what the best thing was?  Beth came up and cuddled with me.  Beth!  The girl who hated me when Dave and Sabby first found me!  She crawled up next to me, looked into my eyes, and asked “is it like that for you?”

“Not completely, but pretty close,” I replied.  She was warm and smelled like fruit.

She snuggled into me.  “I’m sorry,” she said.  “I shouldn’t have been so mean.”

I didn’t know what to say, but I wrapped my arm around her and pulled her close.  She looked up at me and cupped my face in her hand.  “You can be my sister,” she said, quietly, but in a manner like the proclamation of a queen.  A cute, awkward woman-child queen.

I sniffled and wiped away a tear.  I think Sabby was about to blow a gasket, she was so surprised.  But before she could say anything, Beth was asleep.

Sabby’s mouth snapped closed.  “She’s always wanted a sister, you know.”

“I didn’t,” I whispered, and my hand found its way to Beth’s hair of its own accord.  Her hair was stringy, but also soft.  She shifted and mumbled softly.

Sabby smiled.  “I bet you didn’t know you wanted one either.”

I shook my head.  “I didn’t.  But…  but, I’m glad.”

Sabby smiled.  “So am I.”

David tried to jump on us but Dave “headed him off at the pass”, grabbed him, and took him squealing to his room.  “Bedtime for you, champ.  Let’s let the new sisters have some time to themselves.”, I heard, as they receded up the stairs.

Sabby kissed both of our foreheads, and went up to tuck David in.  I got a pillow and stuffed it under my head, careful not to disturb Beth.  My new sister.  My… new sister.

Oh God I’m gonna cry again.

I didn’t move until I had to.  Until I absolutely had to.  Add another precious memory to the ever growing list.   Of the time I gained a new sister.

Love you all!!!  ❤️